With the internet problem still continuing but knowing it's not my fault, the frustration has started to subside and I am once again able to focus on getting my thoughts out of my head. I really started to think it was just me because everytime (and I mean EVERY time) I sat down to browse, read and write, I'd be disconnected almost immediately. Ex didn't help matters when he said "bad Karma" one time when I sat in front of the computer.
I guess I could write my thoughts down in a journal when I can't get online, but for some reason (probably the fact that I feel more connected here because of the feedback), I can't seem to find the motivation to write and the words don't come as easily. And my thought have a path here - it's been over two years since I started this blog and what a sanity-saving journey it's been.
My mum is well and truly on the mend now and gets to go home today. She'll be so happy, I wish I was there with her. I gave ex a heads up that I might go and see mum by myself for a couple of weeks, you know to help them cook and clean and provide support for mum. All ex heard was that I would go over if they needed me to cook for them and he came out with "Geez, flying all that way just to cook" - compassionate man that he is. And it's strange because he tells me that whenever he gets angry with the best friend who dumped him a few weeks ago, he tells himself "don't be angry, be compassionate. [Friend] probably has other issues." I wish I could get a little bit of that, except that I think I must have used up all my share over the years we were married (though I don't remember it that much). Whatever, I'll make the decision that's best for me and mum and just put his comments aside.
One of the things I've noticed since he's at home more is that when he talks to me now, it's not much different from when we were married. And the feelings I experience are the same. However, the difference is that now I can keep them under control because I know I don't have to follow what he says. It's just an opinion after all, whereas before it seemed like a directive - and because I couldn't follow the directive (much as I tried) it made me feel like I was at fault - all the time. It seemed that he was somehow this person who had it all together and knew best and so I should follow what he said. What a crock of shit that was!
Ex came in again for a chat yesterday, in the morning I think it was. He spoke about the things he's learning and thinking about from the motivational speakers he listens to on his phone. He downloads this stuff from the internet. I know I've sort of stopped paying attention to what he's saying because I really can't report on what he said - something about finding what you want to do and then developing a passion for it and then planning the steps and doing it. And you've got to have realistic goals. Sounds simple doesn't it, but I guess for a person coming out of a deep depression like he is, maybe not. He said at the moment he's a bit scattered and lost so he's listening to these people to try to get himself back on track. I'd love the chance to get him back on track. He'd be out pounding the pavement convincing clients to advertise on his site and then in the mornings, I'd have him programming to put the ads up on the site. Then I'd send him to KL on the weekends to network with people so that he could convince them that they needed him to do a web site for them. He could do programme web sites at night and in the early hours of the morning when he can't sleep. I'd have him working his arse off.
Sometimes I think his problem is that he has no-one to answer to - only himself and that isn't enough to motivate him. I just really don't know what to say to him anymore, so when he does talk, I comment little and nod my head alot. I guess he comes in because everytime I meltdown I tell him that talking to me helps. He told me he doesn't like coming in and talking to me. I think I'll tell him that he doesn't need to anymore - the universe knows that I've burdened him enough (or so he would make me think) - except that when I meltdown it does help. He can't win, can he?
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The kids are happy that school holidays have started. School is tough this year. There's more work and it's harder. In Maths, daughter is multiplying simple fractions - I'm not sure, but I don't remember learning about fractions until grade 6 - I could be wrong. It seems awfully hard though. However, that works in my favour. This week she told me she'd like to study in Australia. I was glad she told me but I think I just mumbled some reply about getting her through standard 4 first. And my son snuck in a comment the other night during one of our chats. He was telling me how much work standard two is (it's not that much really) and he said quietly "Well, I think Australia might be better". We're not talking to them about the future just yet and that's a whole other matter on it's own - argghh not looking forward to that. But it's good to know that they are aware that a choice exists. I don't talk about school in Australia much because it unsettles them. However, I answer simply and am very matter of fact when they do ask about it (ie do they use a cane in Australia? Me: no, they don't, but they do have other punishments if you do the wrong thing.)
Oh, how I wish we were able to go home. I know it won't be easy, just like this is not easy, but at least at home, I can move on. I'm tired of biding my time. I could get my taxes sorted. Start working, start saving for my own place, help my parents, help my sister when she needs it and get the kids out and doing lots of other things besides homework. I'll just have to wait though.
I secretly wonder if I'd ever really have the guts to tell ex what I really think of what he's doing and then to just leave with both kids. I don't think I have it in me though, oh how I wish I did.
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