...because you need to! So says Eckhart Tolle. Well, now I don't think so. I'm yet to find the lesson in what's happening right now, but I know that my mum doesn't need to have this in her life - neither does a friend and her mum. So I'm going with my sister's philosophy today - shit happens, deal with it!
After a serious bout of food poisoning, my mum still hasn't recovered - or more accurately, something else has gone wrong and the doctors have yet to find out what it is. Tonight she is in the hospital, on morphine for the pain in her back that just won't go away. She can't breathe properly because when she takes a breath, to hurts too much. Well, enough I say. She doesn't need this. She's had pain enough to last her two lifetimes. I wish the universe would give her a break and get this sorted.
Of course getting angry doesn't help. Neither does melting down about it. Monday was a very bad day for me. On top of everything happening with mum, ex came and talked again. Except this time I found out why he was really coming in to see me. It wasn't as I thought. He's been coming to talk to me because for the last week or two, he's been seeing 'signs' around the house that I'm emotionally fragile and headed for a spiral. So he's been trying to talk to me to help me not go there because that impacts on him and the kids (also read, otherwise he wouldn't give a rats).
Signs. That word is enough to send me spinning. I leave the coffee and sugar out. I forget things
and the washing chokes up. He makes a big push to get the ironing done but yet it still piles up. I'm short with the kids. My personal favourite "there are multiple points of failure" - though he didn't say those words this time, he has in the past. It was just the type of conversation I didn't need and brought back so many bad memories of sitting with him night after night dissecting my bad points. So of course after that, I went into a spiral. I couldn't believe it. No compassion, not for me anyway. Just talk of how I'm showing signs of getting depressed followed by what he is doing to help himself and that the happy person you see before you now didn't just happen overnight. Yes, yes, I KNOW, I WAS THERE WATCHING IT HAPPEN....
He asked if I was down because he was up. I said no, I'm happy for him that he's got it together. I'm not threatened (though I probably am a little) and I'm glad he's doing good things. Afterwards, I thought about it and thought about it. What was I doing wrong? I don't want to stop the momentum he's built up - he asked me the other day, "please, just keep it going" - I'm trying, I really am. I don't want to stuff it up. But I've got stuff in my life too. Things on my mind that take up my attention. It's no wonder I've been forgetting things. Give me a break, please. Maybe I should write him an email and tell him what I need.
Melba, I've been thinking a lot about your last comment and after Monday's conversation, I'd have to say that his fundamental opinion of me hasn't changed so I don't think he's going to be asking anything of me anytime soon. He still thinks I have BPD! I'm a little disappointed but not really surprised.
Anway, I'm so tired. I'm going to end this halfway, thinking of mum and a friend and her mum.
Hugs to all, treasure those close to you.
1 comment:
Sorry to hear this JO, but more importantly sorry about your mum.
Hopefully they'll find what the problem is soon and it will be an easy fix.
Thinking of you.
In Buddhist meditation class this week the topic was Karma. I haven't read Eckhart Tolle but have picked up a bit by what you've written here.
Karma makes a little more sense, but they say it's not punititive, ie if you do bad things, it doesn't necessarily mean bad things will happen to you; only that there are negative consequences.
I tend to agree with your sister. Shit happens sometimes, and sometimes it seems to happen all at once and that's when it becomes overwhelming and we have to remind ourselves "this too will pass."
Hugs from Melbourne
xxxx
PS Re ex. Beware of him projecting. It might not suit him to actually have you thriving and functioning and coping well. Even subconsciously, HE might find it threatening to see you are happier and better...
Just think about it, and please don't second-guess yourself too much. You are doing so well.
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