Dear Ex,
Don't you know that avoiding people with a mood disorder makes it worse for them and hence, worse for you. I know I should be like you, strong and unemotional, able to control my mind or if I can't, to take time out and sleep and watch tv for hours on end til it passes. BUT I AM NOT YOU.
I AM ME and as far as I can gather, I AM NORMAL. But that's still not good enough for you is it, because as long as I am who I am, there will always be something wrong, multiple layers of failure, as you're so fond of saying.
J
5 comments:
Just remind us all again please J, who did you say had the mood disorder?
It is time for you to stand up and rock the boat I suspect. This constant barrage would frustrate most people.
Recognition of the fact that you and J have reached an “amicable?” end to the marriage has not put a stop to the emotional pressure you are both under.
“Multiple levels of failure” is not a term that is restricted to one person either. That also applies to me and most humans so I suspect ex is not immune from this criticism.
From afar it appears that the situation is less of “that you are together for the kids” and that it is more you are overseas, in the same house, both experiencing enormous emotional pressure and it is not working, at least not to the degree required.....finished.
Most likely the next 18 months will consist of constant criticism be it verbal or emotional and it will likely get worse as the time approaches to come back with the kids.
If ex is troubled now I suspect the pressure(s) will only increase over the next 18 months. Tell him “you ARE going with both kids” and he will stew on it. Do not raise the issue and he will say “typical lack of communication” so you cannot win.
Perhaps others have a clearer insight and can offer assistance.
Staying is not an emotionally stable option or either of you as I see it, despite you wanting to wait 18 months this is not going to work without some real rules and ex will want to “approve” those.
Cheers
I re-read the post
When I re-read the post I thought that it may not be the words you wrote BUT how you wrote the post that may be contributing to your frustrations.
What would happen to the post if we simply rearrange a few bits and reposition you in this ongoing emotional struggle?
What if your post suddenly changed to something like......
I AM NOT YOU.
As far as I can tell I am just another variation of normal.
I can't take time out and sleep and watch tv for hours on end until my emotional trouble passes.
I know you want me to be strong and abnormally unemotional...........
• Now Jo how could you finish this last sentence?
• What would be the trauma that would result?
From what your support base sees you do not have a gross or wildly chaotic emotional disorder.
Mr S, thankyou. I would finish that last sentence with
I know you want me to be strong and abnormally unemotional... but I'm at my limit here already. (and would like to add that I don't think I can do this much longer.)
Traumatic result:
I'm not sure there would be one. At moments like this he tends to 'talk me down' which is not the same as 'talk down to me' and say that nothing is ideal here for either of us and that we are doing this for the kids. And I would agree and the horrible feelings would pass and I'd get on with whatever it is that I have to do - kids, housework, grocery shopping etc.
That's what I think would happen.
PS. I can't bring myself to stand up and rock the boat just yet. It's way too scary.
Perhaps I used the wrong term.
Rather than "Rock the Boat" perhaps I should have said "take the lead".
What I liked about your possible reply was that it was capable of being delivered firmly without being nasty.
Is it possible for you to control your destiny in a consolatory manner?
“I promised that I would do (fill in the blanks) and I intend keeping my agreement. What I need from you, want from you is nothing more than (fill in the blanks)”.
Whether these words are the correct ones or not of course MUST be your choice.
The reason for this concept is you now taking less of ex’s sh*t with regard to being a failure on so many levels.
I wonder just how successful he would be if you all came back here because financially you were better off and let him convince you again that you are better off there.
Ex is no fool, he had a good job here, you earned good money here, you certainly have support here so why does he not wish to return here?
I know he will lose control of you and the situation BUT is that the only reason he will not wish to return?
Best wishes to all and I hope others can agree / disagree.
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