Perhaps I used the wrong term.
Rather than "Rock the Boat" perhaps I should have said "take the lead".
Taking the lead, taking control of the situation - whatever the semantics, he's not going to like it.
What I liked about your possible reply was that it was capable of being delivered firmly without being nasty.
Is it possible for you to control your destiny in a consolatory manner?
“I promised that I would do (fill in the blanks) and I intend keeping my agreement. What I need from you, want from you is nothing more than (fill in the blanks)”.
These are good words. Quite non-confrontational, non threatening, re-iterating what has already been said and then telling him what I want from him. As to filling in the blanks, I would like to have the guts to say it like this:
"I promised that I would stay here for 3 years with you so that the kids could be together, with both their parents and I intend keeping my agreement. The end of the three years is next year. What I want from you is to remember that you said we would tell the kids what is happening and give them a choice about where they want to stay and where they want to study. And when we make the choice for them, I want my opinion to carry as much weight as yours. I don't want to you dismiss my opinions as the ramblings or emotional baggage of someone who is emotionally unstable (I have to say this because even though I don't believe it, he still does.), because I am different back home - this emotional mess-of-a-person is not the real me. I need you to trust me that I know what I'm talking about."
I don't know if I'd be able to say the last bit though. That's hard because it makes him seem like the bad guy and if there is anything that will make him angry, that would be it. So I might just say the first bit and see what happens.
Whether these words are the correct ones or not of course MUST be your choice.
Absolutely. I think they are very close to being the right ones.
The reason for this concept is you now taking less of ex’s sh*t with regard to being a failure on so many levels.
I wonder just how successful he would be if you all came back here because financially you were better off and let him convince you again that you are better off there.
I really have no idea what he would do, whether he'd be successful or not. I would want him to be, for so many reasons.
Ex is no fool, he had a good job here, you earned good money here, you certainly have support here so why does he not wish to return here?
I know he will lose control of you and the situation BUT is that the only reason he will not wish to return?
That wouldn't be his reason, if only for the fact that he doesn't think he is controlling. And sometimes he isn't. According to him, he had nothing in Australia. He's told me outright, there was nothing there for him. Shit, whatever love I had for him then, meant absolutely nothing. Whatever good memories I had of us mean nothing. But I guess that's to be expected, given the filter he is looking through - it's a very dim filter, tainted by so many years of feeling miserable / depressed and having no control over the situation. So that would be his reason. He may still surprise me and come over.
7 comments:
"take the lead"
This is not about him.
Of he is a man of honour then he will honour the agreement, you have certanly honoured your part of the agreement.
When all else is put aside. You are the master of your destiny, do not be inactive unresponsive life is not a spectator sport but do not be pressured into decisions, remain calm, on the outside at least, you know what is right for you.
I heartily agree with MrS in the previous reply.
And remember that you have our love and support always (even if from a distance and your childrens love right there with you.
I had written so much more but the above is the short version. Mr S is more articulate than I in these areas.
Pete
Folks I really do not want to “impose” my ideas it is just that I am a Scorpio and as much as I doubt the concept that being born around Melbourne Cup day is going to secure a character in the womb some personality traits do conform it appears.
Now having recognised “failings” in myself (minor naturally) here is yet another post.
• J when ex said “there is nothing here for him” it must now be readily recognisable that there is nothing in Malaysia for you and perhaps even less so for the children than here.
• Is that recognised by ex?
• Could ex concede that an unhappy situation here that caused him to lose control emotionally (yes I meant emotional) and go home can possibly apply to others?
• If finances are tight with little prospect of improvement should that alter your time frames?
Please note that in deference to your female ways I have refrained from giving an opinion as you (being a female) may not want them.
So just thoughts and questions will appear from me except when I can no longer control my male Scorpio traits and accidently lose control and post something like ...............“tell him to stick this self deluding arrangement right up his tee shirt and that you should come back with the kids sooner rather than later because this situation is not working by any sensible assessment”..... I will just post questions.
Yep, just questions. I will try and refrain from posting anything that might reflect my real thoughts.
Best wishes to all.
Mr S had the BALLS yes the Balls to write what I could not. Even though I to am a Scorpio, I feel like I have let the Scorpio team down..
Pete
Removed other post as I had no glasses and hit all the wrong keys.
Thanks Pete.
Mr S, I loved what you said. And if I thought I could say it and minimise the fallout from such comments, I'd do it. But I don't know what reaction I'd get and I'm not in a strong enough position here, so I'll leave it unsaid.
Shame, it's a spot-on comment.
I've always thought that finances should impact on the time frame, but I know that ex doesn't agree. It's his financial hole however, and he has to live in it and recover from it at some point in his life. As long as I've got money to get necessities, I don't give a damn where it's coming from.
And here's my shout-out to the Lucky Country - checked my bank account today - thank$$$$$$$ from the bottom of my messed-up heart.
Thanks Jo and best wishes to you ftom all of us on your blog I am sure.
Yes I do understand your position.
I just hope that when the time comes to resolve any issues that the range of inputs that are fed back here will assist and not hinder.
To all on the blog best wishes.
On here, it's all good. I've never found anything NOT helpful. Just the support and feedback alone is a huge help.
Cheers and as always, thank you all, SO much.
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