Today I am happy inside, but I feel a bit mean for feeling this way. You see, ex went to see our doctor today, the doctor who knows both sides of our story and has known us for many years. He's a good doctor, an intelligent, generous and compassionate man.
Ex went to get some xanax - I gave him all of mine because I rarely take it and don't like it when I do, but he needed a little more and I reminded him to ask the doctor on his thoughts about ex having acquired ADD. I posted on this a little while ago. After he returned from the doctors, he seemed a little quiet and I asked him what had transpired
Ex said "well, he's given me Sertraline". It took a moment to sink in. Sertraline sounded so familiar and then I realised what the doctor had asked him to try. My jaw dropped and it was all I could do to not smirk at him. I'm so mean. Sertraline is what the doctors here gave me for my depression. And in classic ex form, he said after that - "But I'm not happy about it!" After that he went to his room to research the side effects.
I don't think anyone is happy when they are looking for answers to a problem and get back something completely different (especially people like ex). I could tell he wasn't expecting the doctor to give him an anti-depressant. After months and months of taking things like Piracetam (so called smart drug for concentration), magnesium and calcium (helps negate the side effects of certain substances and is good for overall brain function), 5HTP (a natural mood enhancer) and various other supplements to help fix his brain, he's been prescribed something that I reckon he sees as something only for other people - you know, those of us with 'personality disorders'.
He asked me about side effects and there are a few noticable ones. I told him that on Zoloft (a branded form of sertraline), I would yawn all day, though this decreased when I switched to a generic brand. I also gained weight (10kgs, which I lost the minute I went off it), some people get suicidal, I stopped crying (couldn't actually cry and went without crying for months and months - really unusual for me) but the one that I forgot to tell him about is that it negatively affects your libido - you just don't feel like it and the urge to do the wild thing just disappears! I'm going to drop that one on him tomorrow because it could be significant for him. You also have to be careful about the substances you abuse when you're on this stuff - it doesn't mix well with a lot of things.
So, I don't know how this is going to affect him, whether he'll stay on it or what. But I hope it damn well helps him, because nothing else has. I think at the time of him telling me, I felt a little bit validated (see, it's not me) but that's faded now and I just want it to work. I have to admit though, it didn't really help me much. Two years on this blog and reconnecting with family at home did so much more for me than the two years I spent taking that stuff. But we're all different, so it might work for him.
God knows, he's been depressed for so long, so I do wish him well.
3 comments:
In a similar way that I was sorry for you when you were depressed so I feel the same for J.
While I suspect what caused your depression was the deteriorating family relationship, what caused J’s depression I do not know although various failed business efforts must be in there somewhere I suspect.
Just that one issue must hurt him deeply.
No one deserves mental issues and it will probably have a run off effect with others around him.
The little I know of J may mean he will probably have real trouble coping with this issue because he believed that you should have coped simply by applying yourself or simply “you were damaged goods” and he was THE example how things can be handled with a clear head.
This was his attitude way back in the days of Burwood and as he said ......well he said lots of things that may make it hard for him to face this situation.
Where you managed yourself and the children when you were depressed I am left wondering if J can actually manage as well as you did.
You nearly ran yourself into the ground attempting to cope a few years ago looking after a house of three and a half, can J manage essentially while looking after only one?
Yes I know that you often comment that he is not a bad father and I do accept that, I just feel that he is no longer a doting father and this may actually give him some free time resolve his “messy mind”.
It was interesting to read recently that you did not require the Xanax and that confirmed to me just how mentally strong you were.
Where you managed I hope J can also.
Best of health to all.
P.S This is NOT your fault can we get that straight because it may be used as a “one liner” during future discussions.
I note that Sertraline is not just for that generic term "depression" and is used for some other specific concerns.
What is the dosage strength that J has been given?
PRESCRIBED FOR: Sertraline is used for treating depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Sertraline also is used for treating social anxiety disorder and postmenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).
DOSING: The recommended dose of sertraline is 25-200 mg once daily. Treatment of depression, OCD, panic disorder, PTSD, and social anxiety disorder is initiated at 25-50 mg once daily. Doses are increased at weekly intervals until the desired response is seen.
OK, NOT MY FAULT! How he manages this latest news is yet to be seen. He's been prescribed 25mg of sertraline plus, 75mg of xanax per day. In terms of dosage, these are very small, but perhaps enough to make a difference. Coping with being flawed? Well the xanax should help with that little issue.:) I should say here that he knows he's flawed - he can't avoid that one (failed uni degree, failed business, failed marriage - it's all there, which makes his life look like one huge train wreck, but it's not), but sometimes the way he acts makes it seem like he thinks he isn't.
And you are more compassionate than me. I'm sorry for him having to face this, but my feelings remain mixed. The horrible part of me is almost glad the doctor told him this and put him on medication. The dysfunction is with him now, not with me - well mostly not with me.
Doting father? No you're right on this one. He is not. He has a lot of free time which I thought he would spend with the kids but doesn't. In contrast, if he is looking after them, I often find them in front of the tv, amusing themselves. On weeknights, he will put them to bed, cut them some fruit, make them Milo, but I'm not sure how much quality time they get from him. On the weekends, they hang out with me in my room or go with me if I go out.
Xanax for me? I don't think I will need it anymore, especially if he keeps acting the way he has the last 2 days - the arrogance has gone and he is softer, but we'll see if it lasts. When I was on sertraline, after a while I got more aggressive because I felt better and wanted to assert myself more, so fought harder to get my point across. I hope that doesn't happen here.
PS What were the "lots of things" ex said when we were living in Burwood. A lot of things from that time are a complete blur.
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