I said something to him about it. I had to. Melba suggested letting him stew. Mr Scorpio wanted to present him with a list of disorders, but I didn't, couldn't do that. I knew exactly which words had upset him. So I apologised. Even though I didn't do anything wrong. I said what he wanted to hear. It went something like this:
Me: I need to talk to you. Look, I'm sorry for what I said.
Him: And that was...
Me: Well, when I said "sometimes the way you say things"
Him: Because...
Me: it makes it seem like I'm putting everything on you and that what you say is the cause of all our problems, so I'm sorry I said that. I shouldn't have said something like that.
Him: Yes.
Very parent-child.
He proceeded to tell me that it wasn't just this incident that had bothered him. He'd let go so many things in the past few weeks and this was the last straw. The look on my face, my body language, the way I look when I'm concentrating - he said I look like someone's died. It sounds harsh, but I know that sometimes, even when I don't mean to, I look miserable. I think it's the chronic unhappiness coming through. And he can't stand to look at it, so he stays in his room, a prisoner. When I'm feeling moody, he said I should just come and stay in my room like he does - at this point, I was wondering then if the kids were up to raising themselves, what with me in my room and he in his. He said that he'd had suicidal thoughts, that living like this wasn't worth it and that living with me was like living in a black hole, what with all the negativity that I exude. He still can't understand how I live with myself and he said as much. He doesn't understand how my family can stand to be around me.
It was water off a duck's back. I've heard it all and for people reading this, what he says might seems really hurtful, but it doesn't hurt me because I know it's not true. If I was as bad as all that, I wouldn't have any friends and my family would have thrown their hands in the air ages ago. But I do have friends and family that I cherish more than anything in the whole world and I know they care about me. And my kids adore me, that I know for sure.
*
As I write this 2 days later, I realise that it's not water off a ducks back and yes, his words do hurt. They hurt so much. I just can't understand how one person can say this about another with a straight face, no emotion, like it was plain fact. He says it like we're talking about everyday things. To him, I am a complete failure.
The anger didn't dissipate on it's own, even though I aopologised (as I have so many times) and it took 6 xanax to calm him down - 3 in the afternoon and 3 at night. He went out in the evening for a drink with friends and got up this morning with his news. He calmly told me he's moving out and before he could finish, I stupidly said well, if you're not here, I'm not staying here. The look on my face must have be awful because then he reassured me that it wasn't as bad as I thought. True. He's moving out during the day - he's going to rent a room where he will work from 7 am to 7pm and stay if he needs space. Otherwise he will continue to use his room here and spend time with the kids at night. He said he would give me an allowance of 1 - 2K a month and I will have the car. He won't ask anything of me, nor expect anything. If there's dinner here he will eat, but I never have to cook for him. He will do his own washing and ironing. He also wants first dibs on what to do with the kids on the holidays because he wants to spend time with them before they go back to Australia with me. He knows that the 3 year period ends next year. I asked him very quietly the other day while we were talking whether he knew and he said, yes, he knows.
He mentioned that perhaps he's not suited to working at home and that this arrangement will allow him to focus solely on working - he won't have to worry about turning off lights and fans and cleaning up after me and the kids. He's decided that he can't afford to be angry about this and that it's just another situation he has to manage. So, there's no anger, he's not doing this for recrimination purposes and it is what it is. As he said the other day, we're just not compatible. I think it's a very good solution to what has become a very untenable situation.
It's not happening overnight, but it will happen.
4 comments:
Is it possible that both of you are correct at least in part in identifying issues?
Just perhaps you are exactly right and it is indeed the “the chronic unhappiness coming through”. That sentence holds no surprises for me what so ever.
It must be extraordinarily difficult for both of you to manage this situation.
Jo, from what I have read it appears that while he is prepared to explain the issues he has with you (in detail), I suspect he is far less aware of the difficulties you have with him because of your fear of “rocking the boat”. Is that correct, or am I missing something?
If he remains unaware of these problems as you see it (you apologise if it is your fault or not to keep the peace) it remains a one sided issue ....”it is always about you”. Should you speak up a little more often?
With “J” moving out through the working day and staying (at work?) overnight when it suits him does this help you?
Sometimes I wish I was not as brutally honest here because I know others can be hurt so it is no surprise “that it's not water off a ducks back and yes, his words do hurt”.
Still I believe that you are correct when you say that what he says “is not true” because there are many people that delight in your company. As I recall “J” has lost a good friend recently and that is not your fault is it?
That he has accepted and recognised the 3 year situation does a somewhat greater separation may make the transition back to civilisation easier for you and the kids?
I hope so.
Best to all.
What you say is correct, Mr S, it's always been a one sided issue. If I so much as try to present my side, it's seen as not listening, being defensive and not accepting what he is saying. I would speak up if I thought it would make a difference, but it won't, so I can't. I spent the good part of 10 years trying to do this only to come to the conclusion that it doesn't help, ever - not with him. And so it remains to be all about me.
Him working outside for the whole day will help me because then I can just get on with doing what I need to do and not worrying that I'm going to stress him out.
Ex did lose a good friend recently and it had nothing to do with me at all. I know that and so does he, but we rarely talk about it.
I think that the fact that he is not very close to the kids will make the transition easier for them and him, but you never know about these things. It could come back and bite us in ways I can't imagine yet.
I understand but it is just so important now.
This portion of your post (below) is some of what is eating away at you I suspect.
I would speak up if I thought it would make a difference, but it won't, so I can't. I spent the good part of 10 years trying to do this only to come to the conclusion that it doesn't help, ever - not with him. And so it remains to be all about me.
Wow Jo.
Firstly of course it's untrue, those hurtful things he says, but he is projecting probably, and he is even more miserable than you can possibly be I reckon.
Interesting shift, to taking a room somewhere. Bit of a difference between 1 and 2K? Hopefully it's the upper end of the scale, rather than the lower, but what price for peace and a house empty of tension?
Sounds like he is truly moving towards the plan as negotiated. Good. But I worry about the meds. That's too much xanax and if he's drinking and taking other stuff, you have to be worried about od. It does happen. But I'm not sure if it's appropriate for you to say anything; ultimately it's his bloody life. Sounds harsh but I can't imagine he could ever take concern from you as anything other than judgment or something.
xx
HEY! Word verif - scargear.
Post a Comment