An apology

Not from me this time. A rare and genuine apology to me from ex for his behaviour the other night, when he left in a rather distressed state. I didn't melt down that night. Nor the next day. After I mulled it over a bit, I thought it's his stress, his problem, he needs to sort it out. I let him be and got on doing what needed to be done. I didn't contact him. I thought when he is ready, he'll be back or he'll contact me. I made my own plans, centred around my own commitments.

He was away for the one night only and when late afternoon rolled around the next day, I got a message from him saying he'd be back and did I want him to pick up the son. I said no, the kids were coming with me to my class. That was it. There was no arguing, meltdowns or anything of the sort. It was like nothing had happened. There was no use talking about it because he'd said everything he wanted to say and I understood where he was coming from.

This morning he got up early and came in to talk. I'd been up since 5.30 anyway so it wasn't like he was getting me out of bed. He told me he was sorry about the other night and that he realised it was his problem. He doesn't like being like this. He hates it when he gets angry at the kids, but sometimes he can't help it. Their misbehaviour reminds him in so many ways of when we were together. I don't necessarily agree with him, but that's his story and he can have it. I'm not going to argue over that. He realises he has no patience with them. I told him I understood (and I do, which is different I think, from agreeing with him) and that if he couldn't deal with the kids, then I would be there. I will step in, every time. If that meant calling me home to avert a meltdown, then so be it.

He still referred to me in the past in ways that another person might find hurtful, but I've heard it so many times, it doesn't hurt (that much) anymore. I'm really hard to live with he says and I came with minimal life skills. How much time did we waste, he went on, making up for my mistakes (lost keys, tissue in the washing, etc). Most people are getting on with their lives he said, and we're still stuck talking about how to keep the bench clean. He said given the choice now, he'd never do it again (be with someone like me). I feel sorry for him because if he cuts out all the "people like me" from his life, he's going to be very lonely. Not to mention the fact that his children are very much "people like me".

Issues aside, he said he realises he's a mess at the moment (not his words) and he needs to sort himself out. He's managed to let go of the hate and the anger, but there's still a lot of work to do on himself. He needs time to build himself up. He needs to get cash flow going. He needs to make this office thing work for him because it was a big step and an investment of sorts.

I told him he should take whatever time he needs. I will still be here. I will take care of the children and he can see them and interact with them when he feels able to cope. He said he'd help out by getting someone in to clean (which I don't want actually) and taking over when he can. Out of all this, I appreciated his honesty about what was happening and for once, I felt like I WASN'T responsible. These are his demons and he needs to deal with them. He's not very happy with himself at the moment, that I can tell. I'm glad he realises it because that means I don't feel like I should be saying something when I can't. He's been to see his mum too and I think he's talked to her. She's really good in a crisis, very supportive. I know she worries about him, because she knows that last time he was really depressed, he became suicidal (thoughts only, no actions).

Today he left for the office early and I've just had a phonecall from him. He asked us all to join him for dinner at Pizza Hut. I can see he's making an effort because he hates Pizza Hut, but he knows our son loves it. He spoke to me with more patience than I've heard for quite a while, asking me if I'd started cooking yet, whether I had any plans tonight - he never usually asks and often gets impatient when I talk to him.

So we're having a family dinner. I've told the kids they need to be on their best, happiest behaviour because their papa is a bit stressed and he needs us to make him feel good. I hope they can do it. I will let you know how it goes.

Cheers and thankyou lovely people, for being there for me.