Detox? Huh?

The electricity bill is down by another 60 Ringgit. He's been telling us for years - switch off lights and fans, switch off air-con when you leave the room. Turn the air con down to sleep mode when you go to sleep. He's been telling me for years and years. And I've been trying... but not really succeeding, sometimes I'd remember but every time he came out of his room, he'd still find fans and lights on. So I finally sat down with the kids and explained what we had to do - turn off every fan and light, everytime. We're going to sleep only half a night with aircon by setting the timers to switch it off at 4am. And we've improved slowly - too slowly. It's taken us 5 years to get the electricity bill under 400. At it's peak, it was 600.

Ex asks me: is what I want so bad, is it so pedantic. Is it so hard, that you can't do it. I don't know why I couldn't do it before. I am lost for words when answering this. There are no answers. It seems reasonable. Why does he have to fight so hard for something so small? He doesn't want the kids to shower together anymore. OK... I stopped that a few months ago, but he had to ask me two or three times for me to take notice. He feels like the invisible man, like what ever he thinks has no importance. He's fought with me for so long, on issues like this. Small, trivial things, like using coasters on the table, keeping the kitchen bench clear, keeping the water up so we always have some to drink, not putting tissues in with the washing and many, many more.

Now, he has nothing left to give. He has no patience for the kids. He is not the father he wants to be and he knows that's sad. He doesn't have any patience, for anyone. If I had thought that all my arguing would have led to this, I would have given it up long ago.

Tonight, after trying and failing again to help our daughter with her homework because she didn't want to do it his way, after trying to iron his shirts and having yet again, to deal with bits of tissue everywhere (because I hadn't got around to cleaning it up) and black crap coming out of the iron and having something else go wrong when all he wanted was a glass of water, he left us. He staying at the office, where he has set up a mattress if he gets tired during the day. He just couldn't take it anymore. Every time he sees the kids misbehave or fight to be right, he sees me and it floods him with the same emotions he had with me, all those years ago. In his own words, the straw on the camel's back broke a long time ago.

I watched him telling me all this, after he'd started to get his things together. I just stood there and looked at him, away from him, at the floor, wishing I could wipe all our years together away just so he'd have the energy to deal with the kids. He was almost crying, because he doesn't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix him and he knows how much he will lose. I don't know what to tell him anymore, because nothing I say ever makes it better. Nothing, ever. I must have apologised a million times over.

It's hard for him to start afresh with me when issues we fought about 15 years ago, are still things he has to fight for now. Small, trivial things. But if it's not lights and fans, it will be something else. 15 years ago, it was something else - shopping by going up and down each aisle and carrying a shopping list - which now, ironically, I can't do without. He feels like has been fighting the same stupid little battles for years and years and years. And now he has nothing left. Trapped in his room, he has had to cope by leaving. He never would have wanted it this way, I know that. He can't see why I couldn't change, why I just couldn't give him what he needed, such small things.

When he says it, it sounds so simple. If only I'd done this and that, we'd never be here. There are so many "if only's" in my life. Look at where we are because of me, because I couldn't give him those few things.

But it's not simple. There was always more too it than that. There had to be. I don't know what it was, but it couldn't have happened just because of these small, small things.

Last night I text'd him to ask if he could stay home this morning while I went for some exercise. I thought I was being considerate. He messaged me back and said Ok so, thinking I better show how grateful I was I sent one back saying thanks. I woke him up with the first text and then again with the second one. After that, he couldn't sleep for another two hours. Our timing together is terrible. When I messaged him about the electricity being down, thinking he'd be pleased, he was thinking, "why couldn't this have happened years ago, we're the only 4 person family with a bill of over 400 Ringgit." (me and my friends that is). This of course led to "why do I have to fight so hard for something so simple."

I'm so tired, I don't think I can make it through another year. Not like this. Not where every little movement counts. And it counts because it's part of such a huge ugly picture. I can't stand it where me being me, makes this household ex's enemy (his words).

My mantra for tonight, as I try to sleep - whatever happens it will be OK and it can't be just me.

Detox? What detox?