Loving the emptiness

Ex has been all day at the office for the last two days and really, it's remarkable how the atmosphere in the house during the day has changed - for me anyway. I'm not sure the kids have noticed that much, but I love that 'empty' feel. Knowing that what I do here doesn't impact negatively on someone else is hugely liberating. I can lie on the couch and watch tv (and he won't know), I can detox and feel shitty in peace (and he won't have to see the look on my face that broadcasts the fact that I'm not feeling well) and we can have whatever we want for lunch and I don't need to think about him because now he buys his own lunch.

I don't have to see him sleeping (or know that he's sleeping) and pretend to be OK with it, especially when it's a 4 hour nap. I mean (and I know I'm being judgemental), but, who does that? For someone who is supposed to be serious about getting his act together, a 4 hour nap doesn't seem to be the way to do that. To me, a nap this long says I can work whenever I want, if I want to or it can say "I'm just to depressed to work, leave me alone".

I do know though, how exhausting 'finding yourself' can be - the stress, anxiety and the despair can truly leave you whacked. You just want to sleep some, just to be rid of the stress - so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

Anyway, I'm surprised at the difference this has made for me. Not that I'm leaping around the house doing things I didn't do before - no, the house is still a little messy, the table needs clearing but the dishes are done, the bench is clean and I'm less self conscious, which for me, is always a good thing.