I don't know why he's not sleeping, but he does seem a little down, depressed even. Angry, very angry occasionally, as he was when he heard the news that I'm going to KL ON MY OWN - you're very selfish mummy, he reminded me, you only think of yourself. Last night his anger at this flared again and he was literally sobbing - a meltdown that is quite out of proportion to my going away for two nights. I don't know how to make him better because all the comforting and reassurance in the world is not making him feel better. Last night he told me he felt so bad, he wanted to die. I don't know what to make of this. Do I take it seriously, dismiss it as just bad feelings that will pass, is he manipulating me to get his own way, does he need therapy and that god-awful question, is this normal for an eight year old boy? The questions abound and quite frankly, I have no answers.
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping well. It does concern me, his behaviour. He still bounces around rather than walking normally, he's still OBSESSED with the current topic of choice, LEGO, he never lets up with the talking, even when we tell him to. He's very sensitive at the moment and he's starting to notice that he doesn't have many friends, something which I am trying to remedy by inviting another young boy around to our house to play.
On the plus side, he's funny, creative, lovable, thoughtful (to me), affectionate and deeply attached to his mummy and more so, to his papa. He has a good life, I wish he could see it.
*
My thinking is starting to slow down now. I took some xanax about 15 minutes ago. The tightness in my chest from the frustration and thoughts going around in my head wouldn't go away so I took it. The feeling was so raw, that same feeling of being unable to change my situation and make a certain someone listen to my side of things. A horribly raw feeling which l cannot tolerate for long.
*
The feeling started this afternoon when my student, Feng Ying, came for a session. This month she has attended a total of 3 times - 5 short of her usual eight - and I don't know why they're not sending her regularly. The result is that she's regressed. A month ago, she actually answered my question "what do you want?" with a spontaneous, appropriate answer "want biscuit" and I was overjoyed. It's taken me three years to teach her that. Two words, three years. Good grief. But after that, she didn't attend for the rest of the month and now of course, it's gone. We have to start again. Except I don't think I have it in me to start again. When she's locked in her own little world, singing constantly to herself, I am beside myself with frustration and I end up letting her do whatever she's doing. Not good for her and not good for me. It's the burn-out stress that so many special ed teachers have.
Anyway, it's time to sleep. It's 6.30 or so. Ex is getting dinner for him and kids and picking up son from school. He's in charge tonight and I will get up later when I feel better. I hope if you're reading, that you are not too stressed, or that if you are, you can get away for a while, like I can.
I am soooo lucky!
:)
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