It's like, after being so happy for a couple of days, then being back here, my sub conscious realised how much my life really sucks being here and goes all out to make everyone miserable. I was so grateful that it was just me and the kids. Ex had gone off to the office and I was left at home to my own devices. I decided to clean the house in a bid to get myself back to my routine but it didn't work. All I could manage was the dishes and washing the sink which seemed to have putrified in my absence. There were ants on the counter, trails of spray and sprinklings of dead ants behind the cutlery rack where ex had sprayed and not cleaned up. There were ants on the coffee table where they'd eaten not wiped up properly. The floor was gritty and the washing hadn't been done. He did do the ironing though. And everything I came across that I thought should be clean just made me madder.
Then there was the kids, with their toys. Son with his new little lego set all over the place and daughter wanting to play the new electronic monopoly game that I'd brought back for her. We'd started the game last night and then put it on hold when the bed collapsed - uggh, I was so looking forward to being in my own bed - and she wanted to continue today. She was at the point where I was ready to declare defeat, but she wouldn't have it. It's not about the winning for her, it's about the playing but I don't have time to play for so long - yet she wouldn't let it go. And of course then I felt guilty for making her end it. Then I got really cranky and just before it got really bad, I xanaxed out. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to face the nagging, the fighting and her sour face just because I couldn't play. I didn't want to hear them fighting nor my son's constant babble about lego. Maybe I was tired, maybe I'm just grumpy. After finally seeing Adam sing, I DID NOT WANT TO COME OFF THAT CLOUD. Yet I knew I had to, because that's reality. Adam is not, much as I want him to be.
At the worst, I told the kids that I had to lie down and had a little xanax induced nap. My son outdid himself looking after me, asking me if I wanted to talk about anything, getting me water and telling me to tell myself that this is going to pass. All the things I do with him when he's in an emotional spiral, he was able to give back to me today. Adorable. He helped me get better and now I am feeling better, ready to get back on with my life.
In six weeks, as we board the plane and head for friends and family back home, I'll be able to see this for what it is. An amazing experience, where I made a couple of new friends and a little hitch afterwards. If ex knew what was happening today, he didn't say anything about it, which I'm glad for. It's not like I can tell him. Can you imagine the conversation?
******
What's wrong?
Well, after seeing the most amazing man on the planet sing his heart out and talk about love, I have to come back to this and you. It sucks.
*****
Oh well, as my son told me today, this will pass.
6 comments:
No surprises here.
Virtually (not completely) alone to raise your family with a goodly distance between you and family when you require some time off.
It does not seem ideal does it?
Your son did well though and I suspect your daughter would also have been there for you.
The emotions generated by the concert, the 2am or later before you got to sleep and then joy of joys the kids were probably up early.
Could it be that you were simply dog tired and had no assistance?
Best wishes from Oz.
I was surprised. I wanted to come home flying on a cloud of glitter and happiness and keep that feeling going and pass it onto the kids so that they could be happy too. Instead, I growled at them and made them sad.
I was actually a bit disappointed with myself which probably made it worse. And while I was tired, I did have assistance. Ex was there when I came back but he needed to go to the office and get some work done. Can't help that.
But, believe it or not, having my bed collapse probably pushed me over the edge because it's going to be a pain to get fixed and I need ex's help to do it. No matter. I just lost my way a bit and now I think I'm back on track.
6 weeks to go!
Ugh - I know that feeling of so wanting to be happy and great with the kids and then just not having the energy or patience for any of it. I was the same with my kids yesterday - we had a full day planned and every time they raised their voices even little I just lost the plot. I really wanted to enjoy the day because now they are with ex until Wed and I wanted our day to be happy and a reflection of how much I love them and will miss them, but it was just beyond me.
Oh well. There will be other days when I am less tense and stressed. When all the thoughts and doubts corralling around my brain will cease to dominate my days and influence my behaviour with my kids. At least you have your visit home to look forward to...here's hoping the next 6 weeks fly past. xx
Your reaction was normal I think Jo. I've felt flat and yuck since getting back; reality sucks sometimes.
Looking forward to seeing you when you come. Hope the weather improves!
xxxx
Thanks Melba, you know how I love to hear that I'm normal. Reality does suck.
Looking forward to breathing some fresh Melbourne air, no matter what the weather. If it's cool outside, I'll be dancing in the streets. So sick of being hot and sweaty.
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