Lava blood

This post is not about those poor people in Indonesia who are suffering through yet another volcanic eruption/earthquake/tsunami thing. I do feel for them though. I wouldn't live in Indonesia if you paid me.

No this is all about me - me, me, me. I"m sitting here, having just finished my cheese and mustard on wholegrain and a can of 100+ (isotonic sports drink). I couldn't stomach anything else. As I sit here, the trembling is starting to fade and my blood which felt like lava is getting back to normal.

He went out last night. And I knew when he left that he was going to be out all night, though he never explicitly says so. When he's out all night, he gets wasted - not on alcohol, on other stuff. When he comes home, it's like there's nothing out of the ordinary. I was up when he came home, having woken at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep. I wanted to, but just couldn't. So when he rolled in at 5am, all perky and calm, it was like he was coming home from a day at the office. Can't sleep, he said, want some xanax? No thanks I replied, thinking that if I did take it, I wouldn't be able to get up again at 6 to take my girl to school. He offered to take her, but I refused, because I'd planned a 7am walk with a friend. He went to bed, taking some magnesium supplements to help counter the side effects of the stuff he took.

Oh well, I thought, he can do what he wants and went about my business of getting my daughter up and ready for school. Did that, walked with friend, came home, showered and went back to sleep til 9.30. Got up for the next morning routine - made coffee for me, milo for my son, toast with vegemite, a bit of play and a chat, some study for his exams. Got ready for school and got into the car.

As I put my son's bag into the car, I spotted something that shouldn't have been there - a pair of thongs (shoes, not the underwear type), women's thongs.

And my mind went wild! Furious overload, though I was really careful not to show it outwardly, lest my poor son notice. He didn't notice the shoes, only I did.

Another woman's shoes, in MY car, MY space. WHAT the FUCK?

Is he seeing someone else now? How dare he have someone else in our/MY car. What if the kids see and ask me whose they are? Has he been having sex in the back of our car with god knows who? Why are these shoes here? Why doesn't he have the good sense to check things when he comes back.

My blood boiled and my hands shook. It was the same (though milder) feeling that I had when I found out that he was seeing someone). Years ago, when we split and agreed on this stupid fucking arrangement, we said that, yes we could see other people but we were to never bring anyone home and it couldn't be here, in this town (because of the gossip). And here it looks like he's broken that rule. Just so my son wouldn't see them, I picked them up, like you do with something that's completely disgusting and threw them into the back section of the car. I was utterly repulsed. I have better reactions to shit.

Gossip about how he went to Indonesia to 'look for women' is still circulating among the 'coffee shop crowd', even though that was at least two and a half years ago. Now this. And by 'this' I mean seeing someone within the borders of this town where we live as a family and I am still seen as his wife!

Under a facade of calm, I drove my son to school. I wanted to dump the shoes by the roadside, get them out of the car, but I also wanted to confront him with it. What the hell are you thinking ex?, that sort of thing. But I didn't know what to do. So I sat and thought. I had to wait another 10 minutes before my daughter was finished with school and I found myself not wanting to sit there and make polite conversation with my friend who usually joins me while we wait for the kids to come out.

So I started up the car again and drove off. I found myself outside ex's office. I pondered going up there and venting about this and everything else. But I didn't do that. I knew I had to stay calm. So I rang him instead.

"Hell0"

"Hi, it's me. Ahhh, somebody from last night has left something in our car" I told him.

"OK, what is it?" (voice quiet, a little puzzled)

"A pair of shoes" I said and I could feel my voice shaking. I didn't say 'women's shoes" because it's obvious that they don't belong to a man. Too small, wrong colour.

Then I told him I was outside the office and could he please come down and get them. I wanted to throw them at him, then I decided that I would go across and give them to him, then I changed my mind and sat in the car and thought he can fucking come and get them himself. So that's what I did.

As he approached, I got out and handed them to him. My face showed him every. thing. I. felt. - and I was glad for it. I can never keep my emotions off my face. I've tried and for me, it's just impossible. I didn't make eye contact, just handed him the offending item and then as he said "ahh, I dropped someone off last night" (again with the quiet guilty voice which also showed annoyance at the 'person')I got back in the car and said, "yeah....sure" I wanted him to know I was annoyed and angry. I'm sure he noticed.

So..... after all that, he'd dropped someone off. It's possible that that's the honest truth (he is polite like that) and I'm making up this drama, but I don't trust him, so I'm not believing him. Men need sex, he said so himself, so my version is also viable. I'll believe the worst so that if it does come true, it's not a complete surprise.

It's another xanax day. I just can't seem to manage without it at the moment - sorry MrS. It's working too - I'm feeling calmer and I know I won't need this stuff when I'm back home, but for now, better this than the alternative. The writing has also helped, just to be able to put it all out there and not have to keep it to myself so that it builds up inside.

Tonight he will come home and we'll act like everything is normal. I'll be very surprised if there's any apology forthcoming. If he does, I'll say that something like, "you know what it looks like? And I have to deal with this in front of the kids... don't contaminated my space, our car or our home because here, in this fucking country, those two things are all I have, so keep your junk out of it. And get the upholstery in the car cleaned!

'Nuff said.