Things returned to normal for me when he rang mid afternoon and asked me about what I was planning that night. I needed to go teach a class but he wanted to work late so I said I'd take the kids with me and he could pick them up, or not as it turned out as they wanted to come for supper afterwards. When I answered the phone and knew it was him, my voice was normal, almost friendly. I surprised myself actually but when I thought about it later, I think I was also relieved that he wasn't angry at me for being angry at him. How fucked up are we?
So it passed as if nothing had happened - real head-in-the-sand stuff. It could have gone the other way. I could have been all terse and annoyed over the phone and it would have clued him into the fact that I was still annoyed and wanted him to know it. If I'd done this, the situation would have escalated, he would have been angry that I was angry, I would have had to tell him and then he would have had to tell me what happened - or not - I'm thinking 'not' as it were. It wouldn't have been pretty and I would have taken the entire weekend to recover and wasted another 2 days of my life being angry.
That said, sometimes I think I like being angry. I want to feel it. In my experience with him, I was always made to feel bad for any of the extreme emotions I was feeling - be that happiness or anger. I got so frustrated, that it made my emotions more volatile and in the end well, they just exploded! I'm not saying his way was bad, it just wasn't right for me and it still isn't although I can see the value in expressing them at an appropriate time. I need to express my feelings, whether they're justified or not. Some people can hide them, I cannot. If that makes me a drama queen, so be it. It's who I am.
But not with him. With him, I have to stuff my feelings down so that I can live here with both my children until it's time to leave. If I let my feelings about him out, I may never stop and in the process cause irreparable damage not just to our very fragile relationship, but also to my children. Their mummy letting go of those kinds of feelings is not something I want them to see and it wouldn't win me any awards for being "best mother". There's too much at risk, so I deal with the emotions another way.
That said, I don't walk around a seething mass of anger either. The feeling went and I got on with my own life. I taught a happy group of kids on Saturday morning and ran errands during the afternoon. Took my son to the optometrist for an eye test and we are now waiting for some new lenses as his myopia has doubled in ten months. Sunday came and we went on a day trip to Malacca - me, the two kids and a friend of ours who teaches the kids Chinese when they need it. We stopped by some local waterfalls on the way, went for a bit of a jungle trek then went on to Malacca for some lunch and shopping and sight seeing. It was a huge day and we came home exhausted but happy. The busy Saturday and Malacca trip were the reason I didn't get time to post an update. I couldn't believe how tired I was afterwards. This morning I am still tired, but not as sore as I'd expected (after all the walking I expected my unfit legs to be really sore).
I've just read Melba's comment in the last post where she says there seems to be something other than annoyance here. There is ... anger. If he is seeing someone here in this town, he's breaking our initial agreement. I've kept to mine, he needs to keep to his. If he is seeing someone here and using our car, he shouldn't. I feel like it contaminates our/my space - whether that's reasonable or not, I have no idea. I just know that's what I feel. And I know I won't be able to move on from him until I move home. I've accepted that but it also means that living in limbo like this is still painful from time to time. I know I haven't truly moved on from him yet because I still have nice dreams about him - not often, but they are there and with the dreams come fresh waves of hope and then of course, loss, when I realise that I am no longer in a position to be with him. Yes, "devastated wife" would be an apt description sometimes. I hadn't really thought of my reaction in that context, but it does fit at times.
Rationally, I know that he's not being unfaithful, but when he's out with someone here, TO THEM it looks like he's being unfaithful because people here are under the impression that we are still married. He goes out, is spotted by a friend of a friend of a friend of mine and my dignity is the one being compromised. He's seen as a stud and I'm seen as an idiot who doesn't please her husband!! And that makes me mad... and more than a little uncomfortable.
Sooo, it has blown over for now. If it really was what he said it was (he'd just dropped someone off and they'd left their shoes in the car), it wasn't really an issue to begin with. He's still upholding his end of the agreement. I'd like to believe that and I think, given my state of mind now, that that is what I've chosen to do.
Another thing I'm exploring here as I write all this out and think of the different aspects of something like this, is how easily I can make things up in my head and let them take over my life. I can spin certain situations and look like a real victim, whereas if I only stuck to the facts, I'm not a victim at all. It's an interesting little project and shows me that I have to keep my rational mind about me, whether I want to or not.
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