Tonight I need him to look after the kids and take them for dinner because I'm busy. He will meet me there because I'm guessing, he can't stand to be in the car with me. He would rather walk for 20 minutes to the place where he has to meet us, rather than have me come and pick him up. That's not a bad thing in itself, but his actions speak volumes about his feelings for me.
That said, I asked him to accompany me to the hospital on Monday and he said he would. I'm not reading anything into this though. His role is purely a functional one - he's the translator and token local husband so I get charged as a local, rather than as a foreigner. I just hope the cool atmosphere warms a little to make it more comfortable for both of us because I know he doesn't enjoy this either.
Last night I had a dream where he admitted that he was in a huge amount of debt to his sister. In real life, he isn't, but I woke up thinking it was true until reality came and hit me in the face. He's working, he seems to have an income at the moment. Yesterday he went out of town in his business clothes, presumably to meet a client. I hope he gets back on his feet soon.
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Yesterday I did a bit of research on dislocated elbows. The prognosis for my type of injury isn't that great. I will need to work hard and it will probably be painful, if I'm to get full mobility back into my arm. Nice! (not).
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To make my week even better, I braved the dentist this morning. I've had a painful jaw for a couple of days and thought it could be due to my teeth. 40 minutes in the dentist's chair and a cracking wisdom tooth extraction later, I'm sporting 4 stitches in my lower gum and can barely speak to save myself. I can't bring myself to eat either, so I'll survive on water and green tea today. He was a little rough with the pliers though. Trying to loosen the tooth, he kept saying it's OK, it's nearly out, all the while pushing on my cheek so hard with the pliers in order to get the right angle for the extraction, I thought he'd crack my jaw. But no, he did OK and now tomorrow I will probably be pain free.
So, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, but I know this will pass. I have Nurofen ready for when the anaesthetic wears off and I'm sure I'll be able to speak to my class tonight - if not, I'll just mime a lot. It's amazing how quiet kids are when their teachers speak softly and use gestures instead of words.
Tomorrow, Saturday, the kids have school. It's a replacement day for a day off during Chinese New Year. Not really a bad thing, though it took me ages to come to terms with school on a Saturday. Something not quite right about it though this week it's not so bad because they had (another) public holiday on Tuesday.
So that's all for now. Time to find something else to drink and cool down before my student comes. He's the young one that doesn't speak, except that now he is speaking - slowly, but surely, he is imitating new words and can count to ten in Chinese. I asked his mum if I could do anything else for them because their house was washed out by the flood and she just said "just help him to speak". I hope I can.
9 comments:
Hi Jo
Just caught up on this post and the one below.
Sorry to hear what's been going on.
I have to ask, what exactly does this mean:
I always think "what if this is it, what if this is the last straw. What if he can't take anymore." And then of course the panic and fear set in.
(From the post one down below.)
I have asked before what you are scared of. I can't remember what you said. He has got you over a barrel, Jo and even the most unreasonable of people (and I suspect he is NOT) would have to agree it's an untenable situation.
Have you ever talked with him about what his preference would be regarding your situation? Is it possible that the both of you want the same thing and because neither is bringing it up, it never gets put on the table?
Just trying to think outside the box here.
Sorry to hear about your arm as well, and a tooth. Shit. Do you know if you are clenching/grinding at night? Stress can cause it and it's not good for your teeth.
HUGS!!! XXXXX
Hi Melba,
Yes, he agrees that it's a difficult situation, but not the worst one he can think of. He can't really see why I would find it so difficult - it's not something he wants either and to him, we're almost in the same position. He says he doesn't make it hard for me, in fact, he goes out of his way to make it easier - which I know he does and so reasons that I don't have much to complain about. The argument of 'except I don't have my family here' doesn't hold much weight for him in my argument.
What am I afraid of? Yes, you did ask that before and I didn't quite know what to say. But I do now. I'm scared that he will throw me out, that he will think I'm so emotionally unstable that he will somehow take the kids and I won't see them again. I'm afraid that because he can no longer put up with 'my ways' that he will ask me to leave and just take one child. I don't know if he ever would do any of these things, but that's essentially what I'm afraid of.
He's kind of put his preference on the table. His ideal is to have the kids here another year. At least that's what I think. I don't know if he wants to have them on their own here, but if I was to walk away for some reason, he would gladly take on the task of raising and educating them here. So the kids here with me or without me, that's what I think his preference would be. I think I'll ask him outright during the next conversation.
The only thing that is the same about what we want is that we both want the kids to be happy and stable. However, we both have different ideas as to how that can be achieved. My 'best for the kids' is to take them back next year, put them in school, go back to work and work towards getting a house and a life of our own. His idea, revolves around them being here with him. He wants to (understandably) have an influence on them while they are still young.
Re: the teeth - it was just a wisdom tooth that needed to come out - the dentist recommended it last August, so it was overdue. I'll watch for the grinding though, I know I've done that before.
Hugs back and thanks again.
xxx
I'm scared that he will throw me out, that he will think I'm so emotionally unstable that he will somehow take the kids and I won't see them again.
This should be the least scary situation I hope.
Singapore is just down the road.
If it ever gets to that point buy some time and get out with the TWO children and go to Singapore NOT KL.
Should "J" really want the best for the children (and not to do an ego thing) he would not separate them.
Australian citizenship means little in Malaysia it means more at the Australian Embassy in Singapore.
Best wishes and I hope the worst cannot not occur.
Make sure you ask him how it's in the kids' best interests to stay another year.
Also ask him if he'd consider a few more years in Melb to be near them while they are still young. Suggest that you could live independently of each other but be close to each other, utilise the government support that each of you would have.
You have to get into a position where you aren't just a sitting duck waiting for him to make decisions. Sounds to me like he has indicated he wants more time.
How do you feel about staying a year longer than you'd hoped? If you're ok with that, then it looks like that's what will happen. If you're not ok with that, you have to talk to him about it.
Please don't run with the children; sorry Mr Scorpio but it's the worst possible thing you could do. You'd never repair the damage to him or to them.
I know you'd be feeling very insecure about being there with the laws etc, I know he has all the rights. I understand that's why you have to tread carefully, but please don't second-guess yourself and don't be down on yourself. Look at all the progess you AND HE have achieved and think to yourself you have to work together towards how this is to be resolved.
Have you thought about writing him an email or a letter. If face-to-face is too hard or you're too anxious about saying the wrong thing, put it down on paper. And keep a copy, and keep anything he writes back.
Just a suggestion but it could be helpful!
Hugs
Melba xxxxxxxxx
Melba I agree that just bolting with the kids is not the correct thing to do under normal circumstances.
So please do not apologise for disagreeing for I am a big boy and just perhaps I should have been clearer.
I was referring specifically to the situation where Jo said “ I'm scared that he will throw me out”.
If it ever came to that and he wanted to keep one (or both?) of the children I still cannot conceive a satisfactory alternative to Singapore. To be “thrown out with one or no children” is still an option and I still believe that requires a plan.
It was only in this scenario I meant my thoughts to be considered. I have cautioned that as the year end approaches the previously “agreed” rules may change either subtly or rapidly.
The diplomacy involved in resolving this conundrum will rival anything I have faced particularly as subtle changes to the rules are now appearing.
Alas the Malaysian Law both written and practised is not a supportive institution for a "non Malay" and to have this resolved in a Malaysian court is asking too much given their previous decisions regarding the children of Australian Nationals.
Australian passports carry no credits within their legal system.
Agree or disagree with me I can cope and I am glad Jo has the support of friends such as yourself here.
As I said in the previous post “I hope the worst cannot not occur”.
Best wishes to all
This is worst case scenario stuff but Jo, if you *were* thrown out, do no run. Do not leave. Check yourself into a hotel and things can be worked out. If money is an issue, people can help you with that.
I don't believe it would ever come to that, so put it out of your mind please and look towards working things out in a way that you are both reasonably happy. Ex can compromise, I'm sure. Be positive, it can happen. For the children you must be positive.
Sorry if I'm being melodramatic.
x
Thankyou both for your comments. Just to assure you, I'm not going to run. I just couldn't do it. The damage as you say Melba, just couldn't be repaired. If he was abusive, that would be a different story, but he's not. I don't think he would actually throw me out - that's why he takes steps to spend as little time at home as possible. It's what he can do to give us a break from each other. But it does bring up my insecurities so I'll sit tight until they pass. He's home tonight, a little warmer.
Melba, you give such good practical advice. I'm going to write it in my notebook and ask him the questions you've posed. How would I feel about staying another year? I'm in two minds about it. On the one hand, I want to come home so badly because I am so sick of this place. But then at other times, I feel I could probably last another year. And I don't want my daughter to do year 6 here - there's so much pressure and I want her to have at least one year where she can enjoy primary school in Australia and learn things without all the stress. So, I don't know the answer to that right away.
I will consider putting my thoughts down on paper. Perhaps it will spell out for him my thoughts and he won't have to just try to guess what I'm saying. It will all be there in black and white.
RE: being thrown out - I don't think he would but if it came to it, my friends are moving into their new house next month and I'm sure they would't mind having me for a few days, if it came to it. However, I don't think it will. It would upset the kids too much and he knows that.
Thanks again for your support. Love you both.
Good on you Jo, it's not easy to hear advice, sometimes, but you can work through this.
And just a word about you wanting your daughter to have a year at primary school without stress, yes that would be nice. But be reassured that Year 7 (and 8 and even 9) are still fairly relaxed here. And even beyond. The schools do not put pressure on the students; it's up to students (with the support of their families) to move through the system, not be hauled through. All my kids are now at secondary school and all at different schools and NONE of them have been pressured or pushed so if you didn't get daughter home for her final year, if it was for Year 7 that's something you shouldn't worry about needlessly.
The other good thing about writing a letter or similar to ex is that it then gives him time to process and respond, not be put on the spot. He is possibly struggling with what and how he says stuff as well. It lets you both off the hook of having to have a conversation within a certain time frame (ie 5 mins, 15 mins, 1 hour.) Find ways to take the pressure of you, and it will make things easier for him as well, which will help you (and your process) etc etc.
Gotta fly. Have a good day!
Hugs xxxx
Melba, more than having a year without pressure is the fact that I don't want her to go through year 6 here. It's all study, all the time and believe it or not, they still beat the kids if they don't meet the teacher's expectations. At this level, I really want her out of this system. If there was an alternative here, I would consider it, but there's not. An international school would suit but they are in the big cities and prohibitively expensive. (RM20,000 just to register). She hates school and longs to do so many other things beside the redundant, repetitive learning that they do here. So I think the best thing for her is to go to school in Australia, next year. That said, what ever decision is made, I will support her and see her through it.
Gotta run too.
Hugs.
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