I bit and now I'm paying for it.

Yesterday was not a good one for me. I spent the morning recovering from a mild cold and so wasn't feeling good anyway. My arm, now out of its cast, is now bent at a ??degree angle and looks hideous because the injured muscles have shortened in the healing process - as they do.

The afternoon came and I spent my time looking for someone who could possibly help my daughter with her Chinese homework. I sent out 5 messages to people who had previously offered to help should I need it and no-one had gotten back to me. I was getting stressed and when that happens, I start thinking about how, if we weren't here, if the kids were doing their schooling in Australia, I wouldn't need to search for such help and wouldn't be having this stress.

As it turned out, the mother of my daughter's friends came around and helped her, so that was good, but too late, I was already in a crabby mood. To top it off, I'd sent a sms off to ex to tell him of the evening plan and sent it to the wrong person. He ended up ringing me and I ended up sounding like a dill because he hadn't got the message I'd 'sent'.

Later when I went to pick him up, I got stuck behind every slow driver and the traffic jam in the main street made it very difficult to pick up ex from our agreed point. Thinking 'this is dangerous, I can't stand here' I did a block and ended up on the wrong side of the road. By this time, ex had come out of his office and was at the previous point and had to cross back over, through the mad traffic. First thing out of his mouth was "this is a very dangerous corner" - I should have said 'yes I know but I didn't have much choice' but instead I shut my mouth and fumed. He picked up on it and closed his eyes as if taking a nap. That tells me he can't stand to see me drive in this condition and pushes all my sensitive buttons and makes things a whole lot worse. We drove to my english class where he was supposed to drop me off and take the kids for dinner. When we stopped, I couldn't just get out of the car.... no, I had to open my big mouth. I told him to "look at me!" and then told him back "all corners are dangerous", referring to the mess of a town that is our main street. He replied that OK, he wouldn't ever say anything again and we left it at that, both of us fuming.

I could have kicked myself and of course, went into meltdown mode. I went to my English class and really, just got through it. By the time my friends and I met up after class to go for dinner I was feeling a little better and then of course a lot better after we ate and saw their beautiful new house which they will move into next month.

During dinner with my friends, I texted (is that a word?) ex an apology and told him I'd had a bad day. He replied that it was OK, that he'd taken xanax and 80% of 'it' was already gone. I was a little relieved but knew that the 20% residual anger would show up somewhere.

The spiral feelings kept tugging at me all night, wanting to pull me down into a pool of self pity and anger. I did not want to go. Scathing comments flew around in my brain, making ex out to be such a prick that by the time I was at home and in bed, all I could feel was hate and fear. So I guess it did end up pulling me down after all.

I always think "what if this is it, what if this is the last straw. What if he can't take anymore." And then of course the panic and fear set in. I blame myself, I should have just shut the fuck up, then I wouldn't be in this mess. I kept telling myself, it's going to be OK, this will pass, etc etc and actually did get some sleep that night.

This morning the atmosphere was still a little cool as we drove the kids to school. After they'd gonehe said I could drop him at the market where he would get some things and that he wouldn't be home for dinner and that he'd find his own way home tonight. That kind of pushing away sent me into another tailspin. I grudgingly went home, took some xanax and slept the morning away.

Recovery from what seems like such a minor thing will take a little while. It's a far cry from the good weekend we had at his family's home in Kluang where we belatedly visited for Chinese New Year. We even managed to share a bed and were grown up enough not to find it awkward. He took us shopping and bought his mum, our daughter and me a present for stupid Valentine's day. My gift was from my son. Sweet I guess, but we've never celebrated it before and I find V-day awkward and artificial.

Anyway, time to make dinner and try to carry on as if nothing has happened at all.

Uggh!