Oh f@&*, I'm a mess

Ican't even begin to sort the huge tangle of thoughts that began to invade my mind last night, after dinner. Truly, it's like one of those storm surges - little niggly bits here and there, a few thoughtless comments, a look, a gesture and then WHOOSH - all those things band together and come crashing down into my mind.Then it becomes, should I say something, why did he look at me that way, who would say something like that, he never makes sense, he's such a hypocrite. And I feel so bad feeling this way about him because now he's a bit of a local hero, as you can see from Segamat.com, and I quote from a friend of his:

"YEE JIN did a fantastic job but he is on his own. Solo. Long Ranger. He asked me to be his Tonto during the flood crisis along with my new buddy Dusty. Personally - I had great fun helping out. After some thoughts - Segamat needs to be rebuilt. The economic losses are terrible. The only thing I can think of is to use Segamat.Com as a platform to encourage more tourists, more investors to bring in the $$$. It's a beautiful place, Segamat - this natural disaster has taught us not to mess with nature. We need to co-exist with nature." ~ MK

I saw this and felt like writing that cliche that says "behind every good man..." because they don't see (and of course they can't) what he's like to live with. I don't know if it's me being over-sensitive or him just being really annoying, but the past few days have been tough with him. He's constantly locking his bedroom door behind him when he goes in there (to keep us out???), his comments are continuously peppered with referrals to having to cater for "the Lowest Common Denominator" and having to be patient because "people are who they are". (I can't help but take this personally because when we used to talk about our problems, he would refer to me as our "LCD".) I keep hearing "see, we can do better", "there's always a better way" and it clouds my reality so I end up missing it when he does say something good, like aren't we lucky that mummy makes us such a nice dinner" and "you have changed a lot".

Talking with him is hard because we end up talking about how we're talking, or how I don't give proper context, or, or, or so many other trivial things that ultimately end up trashing whatever good intentions I had of talking to him. What I would give to have a decent conversation with someone that I really connect with.

Our reunion dinner, which we ended up going out for at an open air food court, was REALLY nice. We'd changed our plans and made it so that everybody would come back to our house, which meant, after having 4 extra kids to stay, I had to clean up the house - one handed, albeit with a little help from the kids. We did it and we did a great job. The house looked clean, we'd decorated a bit more and overall did what ex wanted to. We were late thanks to ex who decided that in the late afternoon, he wanted to wire up some outside lanterns, which proved more challenging than he expected.

On the way home from dinner, after hearing more comments about how it's always OK to follow the advice of someone else, I asked him whether we could drop off some things that belonged to the little girls who'd stayed with us. He said no, it wasn't ok, because it was a time to be spent with family, but added that if I chose to ask my sis in law to take me, that would be my business. I'd actually asked her if she could during dinner and she'd agreed but when I told her that ex wasn't happy about it, she offered to deliver it for me on their way home - she's married to his brother so she understands my situation. The thing that pissed me the most though was that after we got home, he went straight to his computer and stayed there! After telling me that I should be spending time with family AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY! Hence the hypocrite thoughts mentioned above.

And i was (unreasonably) mad at him also for not talking to me at all after everyone had left and the kids were in bed. He went to his room, locked the door and that was that. Day done. Not a thankyou for playing host while his family were here and he was in his room, not a comment or a bid goodnight. Nothing. Oh how I crave to sit with someone, drink tea and mull the day over, with someone who's on the same page as me.

So even though I know this will pass, what with the floods, and my damn useless arm and everything else, you can well imagine how much I hate living here this week.

goodnight.

Ps And I miss driving, oh how I miss driving.