Blog hiatus - maybe

I'm thinking about stopping the blog and only updating when something actually happens here with regards to the 'situation'. Emotionally I'm OK - I haven't taken xanax in what seems like forever - and the weekly minutiae of my life is just not that interesting. I've come to the point where spilling my guts here just seems like I'm whinging and I don't want to think of myself as a whinger.

I keep thinking about going home and it stops me from doing things - from being involved fully in stuff here because I'm think about what it would be like if we weren't here. Mum sent me a card this week with a little code on it c-home-s. Come home soon. Every time I talk to her I can hear the pleas behind her voice. She talks as if I'm just around the corner, but we both know that's not true and hence the pleading quality behind her words.

But I can't just come home, not yet. I've at least got to see this year out. What I'd actually like to happen is that we go home but leave this house as is. The beds, the furniture, the linen and the stuff we'd need if we were to stay here. Then I want to come home and perhaps visit midyear. I can drop the kids here and go stay with my friends if ex is uncomfortable being around me - or I can stay here if ex is not attached and he can go stay at the office. I don't know if this is fair or not, but having this house would give the kids something familiar - the fish, the funiture, the tv. We could come for 3 weeks at a time if I can negotiate an extra week off school in addition to the holidays . I wish we could talk openly about this but obviously not. There are so many times when I have to bite my tongue. Like when ex was talking about getting me an iPad and said that at the end of the year we could buy the iPad3 and give my one to the kids - like there's an 'us' here and it's all normal. It was all I could do not to say "well you do realise that I'm not planning to be here that long". Fuck!

My daughter is dying to get back, to go to school but I think she's forgotten that ex won't be coming with us. She asked me if he can do his type of work in Australia and I absent mindedly said 'yes' and I'm sure I gave her the impression that he could and would, come with us if we were to move. I have to fix this. She also tells me, in the quietest of moments, just before we sleep, that it's time to make a decision about next year because she wants to know. "Mummy" she says "it's not two years away now, it's NEXT year". Nobody is more aware of that than me.

Son wants to know if we are going as well, but not so overtly. He doesn't have a clue that there is anything wrong between his mum and his dad. He does wonder sometimes why we don't hug and are not affectionate, but assumes those things go on behind closed doors - he said as much in Kluang when ex and I shared a room there.

Uggh, what a mess I'm making. And I feel like such a coward and a hypocrite. Here I am talking about how my family can't say anything and I'm doing the same thing. I wish I wasn't such a wuss. I really need to get onto this, but somehow the right time never seems right.

And on top of that, it seems like ex is deliberately doing things to make leaving harder. He's been buying the kids things, taking them shopping, setting up the fish tank, talking about upgrading our technology (iPad) and avoiding talking about next year.

And the saga drags on................................