kids

I've written before how my two kids are just like their two parents. Daughter is like her father, son is like me.

But as you may well know, it's thoughts about my son that keep me awake at night. He is bubbly, happy, smart, passionate, bouncy. He loves to dance and loves to talk even more. He is funny and creative and wants to be a voice actor when he grows up. Sports are not his thing but he's happy to wobble around on his rollerblades if I prompt him. He can catch a ball and kick it too, but he'd rather be sitting down on my yoga mat putting together whatever lego set is currently taking his fancy. He loves his lego and I do mean loves it. It consumes him and all his thoughts. Once, when he was sitting at my computer, looking up something to do with lego, he told me "Mum, I know you probably won't like this, but I'm on 'date' with my lego block." I had no response! LOL - It cracks me up just thinking about it. When he's older he wants to live alone with his lego. He probably won't get married he said.

I love him to bits. He's way out there and I love that about him too. But, (there's always a but, isn't there), I don't think his life is going to be a smooth one. He's incredibly sensitive and has had meltdowns where all he wishes is to not exist. His emotions are very strong and he struggles to get through the bad ones. I've been at his side nearly every single day of his life and because he is who he is, I shower him with affection and tell him how special he is. He loves his mum unconditionally and if I happen to get angry at him and he melts down over it, he begs forgiveness - I'm not joking. If I happen to use the words "yiethen" and "bad person" in the same sentence, it shatters him. I told him once, that to deal with his cousin's bullying him, he should just jokingly agree with him and say "yes, W, I'm a terrible person." It was the worst thing I could have said. He cried and cried and it took me another 20 minutes to get him back from the despair that had engulfed him.

I don't know how he ended up with such a fragile self esteem or if that is what the real problem is, but my heart breaks for him. I've never put him down, we don't use the words stupid, idiot, shut-up, hate or anything worse than that around the kids. But I have coddled him. For the longest time, when ex and I were still together but yet so far apart, there was only me for him. Especially after we'd come to Malaysia, I was the one that took on the care of the kids. Ex (it seemed) just stood by and criticised. Sometimes he'd show me what he could do (put the kids to bed in 20 minutes, snap!) but for the most part, it was me. When we moved from KL to Segamat and we could barely be in the same room together, I was still doing the caring while ex was busy going out and away. Relatives noticed the coddling too but did not offer to help. Yiethen came with me when I decided to go back to Australia to get my shit together and since then we've been closely connected. Even though he's 9 this year, (OMG 9!)he still doesn't mind holding my hand when we leave school.

So maybe that's what has happened. His messed up mum and avoidant dad have created an atmosphere that has stealthily infiltrated this little boy's esteem and made it paper thin. And while I was quite soft on him, ex was hard. All he saw in his son was shadows of me, behaviours that brought up bad memories and the stress he used to feel. As a response, ex thought it would be best that he try to coach our son out of those behaviours. If you're wondering what the 'behaviours' were, it was things like making excuses, covering up mistakes and saying things like "but I didn't mean it", not really listening but saying that you are and saying over and over "I know" when clearly, according to ex, you don't.

Ex is different with him now though. He's realised that scolding him doesn't work, forcing him to behave a different way is not possible and the only way is to let go and explain what he should be doing in certain situations (ie when you get water for yourself at dinner, it's polite to ask other people if they want water too - and then get it for them). Ex can't get over how self centred our son is - and he is but it's not something he does maliciously. It's just who he is. In time, when he matures a little bit, he'll be able to see the point of view of others, but for who he is now, he's not able to do that. YEs it's frustrating but we need to support this little boy first so that he can think good things of himself first.

And in time, he will get skills. A year ago, he didn't play well with other kids - he'd "parallel play" instead, but now he has a friend who regularly comes over and they do homework and play games together. At Christmas time, he found some soulmates in the form of a friend's two boys who love lego as well.

So I think with some gentle guidance and support for the things he's so passionate about, he'll be fine. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy every little bit of the person he is now, because, even though I'm biased, I know that he's truly one of a kind.