You know that lately I've been having a tough time of it and there are a few contributing factors, one of which is "Everytime I go anywhere, do anything, I compare."
My ego has taken over my mind and is comparing whatever I'm doing here to a pseudo-life I think I would be having in Melbourne.
If it's driving, I think about how inconsiderate and downright stupid the drivers are here. And since I drive up and down to school twice a day, go out shopping, go out to K's place, it adds up to a fair amount of COMPARING.
If it's helping the kids with their homework, I convince myself that they wouldn't be having homework if we lived in Melbourne and I wouldn't be having to deal with the stress and tears, getting up at 5.30 or ringing around after dinner trying to get someone who can help my daughter with her Chinese homework. School IS a tough slog here and I'm not the only one who thinks so. But the kids get through it and there still is some time for playing, reading, swimming and dancing.
If it's cooking dinner at home, I think about what Western meal I could be cooking instead, what ingredients I could get at home that would allow me to make this, that or the other whatever, how we'd be eating potatoes or pasta instead of rice. Watching Jamie Oliver prepare mouth-watering meals using ingredients I can easily get at Coles does not help either.
When I'm shopping, I compare how expensive milk and bread is, the lesser quality of the food we buy and again, the things I'd like to buy to eat, but can't because they're just not available here. And when it comes to buying meat, well, Australia wins hands down. The meat is literally beautiful in Melbourne. It's fresh, well kept, nicely presented with every cut imaginable available (to me anyway).
If I'm shopping for clothes, I long for Target or Rockmans instead of the Reject Shop (which sells cast offs from designer brands) or a Brands Outlet. It's hard to get my size (14 - 16) here and often I don't like the styles - so gaudy. I'm a Target Girl now, (down from Sportscraft and Country Road many, many years ago).
So you can see the dilemma I'm creating for myself. I'm not doing myself any favours by doing this and I can stop if I set my mind to it. It's nothing less than self-inflicted torture. I have to again, go through the process of Radical Acceptance. I am here. Now. I have to at least see this year out. Don't look back, don't look forward. Head down, get on with it. Money issue aside that is.
The problem is, I'm afraid I'll forget. Forget to want go home. It sounds crazy and probably is, but if I set myself to enjoy my life here, it'll be so much harder to come back. It's going to be wrenching as it is, what with the friends and the students and the family. But is that the way we should live? My instinct is telling me NO. It's no way to live, but I'm fighting that instinct in the same way I fought with ex for so long.
So I find myself in a dilemma. I still want to want to come back. I do want to move back home. But I don't want to like my life here so much that I don't want to let go. So there you have it. The reason for living the two lives. The imagined one and the real one. The fucked up mess I've gotten myself into.
4 comments:
So with those comparisons what the heck is different to the daily choices here?
What do you compare your alternative life with?
OK so you would have a life that is yours, very shortly a house that is yours, food that is fresh, schools of your choice, a car that is driven on roads with relatively commonsensical people, a financially rewarding job at short notice, a larger variety of people you relate to readily, laughter at short notice along with unplanned fun and a dozen or so other things that do not immediately spring to mind.
• Does that sound virtually the same as what you have now?
• Just run all those tangible reasons for staying there past us again!
It is May now so at some point Jo YOU need to make the decision.
For some reason I think I can empathise with your situation.
• Do you think “J” find a reason to tag along with you back here?
Cheers to all.
Jo You are allowed to like where you are now but if you really want to be home where you feel more comfortable and have the familiar things around you there is nothing wrong with that. It does not have to be cut and dried.
I hope for the childrens sake J will come over.
Also now that I have spent time in the IT industry I can see a huge demand for him here and pleanty of well paid work.
Love to all
I don't think J will find any reason to come back, but then I don't really know because we haven't explored that option at all - or any other option for that matter.
Peter,
Thanks for dropping by, it's good to hear from you again. How's the new job? Lots of well-paying jobs??? He's way behind in his programming skills I'm afraid, even though he did some great work in the past and I'm sure any young techie would easily pass him. He doesn't have a degree either and he's getting older. Anyway, it's up to him. I will look at convincing him to come back with us because I really can't see a future for him here either, but then, what do I know?
Jo just a passing thought.
As the saying goes "ego is not a dirty word". Come to think of it neither are the terms “self esteem” and “self image” when used in conjunction with you.
Ego allows you to have a personality and having known you for a few years now I can honestly say that you have NEVER allowed your ego or self image to dominate your thinking nor produce fear in others except for your matric year. Actually I am still having flashbacks but the tablets do help.
If I can offer some advise it would only be to ensure that you enjoy a level of “self esteem” equivalent to what you deserve and that is a good deal more than you currently have you "silly bugger".
If you dare use "ego" in this context again I will swear again and that is not good for my health at my age.
Do me (all of us) a favour and stop using the word ego as some sort of personal “put down” because in your case it is not true, it is idiotically out of place with you and it only serves to warp reality.
If there is one thing you do require it is at the very least a heaped teaspoon of “ego”.
Why not go to the chemist right now and buy a packet of ego.
So there!
Now darn well smile, jolly well put your head up and do not live in fear of being too self centred and stop making me swear like this.
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