The last week has not been a good one. Messy mind, spiralling down, minimal contact and words between ex and myself, Wednesday spent lying all day on the couch when I found myself with so much angst, I decided to take the whole day off and just 'be'.
Ex spent every night of the week out for 5 or 6 hours at a time, probably to get away from me which of course, prompted more angst in my mind. On Friday morning when he came home at 6.30am while the kids were having breakfast, it was all I could do to contain myself. Luckily they were too sleepy to notice whether he was coming or going. But still, had they noticed, I would have then had to make up stories about why their father was coming in at that time of the morning. I must have been giving off bad vibes because I didn't see him for the rest of the day and at night, only for 20 seconds as the kids went from me to him because I was meeting my friend that night. He took them to the carnival after that and got home late. Saturday morning he went to the office and didn't come back. He messaged me that he was going to spend all of Sunday with the kids at the office. He would pick them up at 10am and come back at 8pm in the evening.
I asked him via sms what was wrong, that he sounded upset. He messaged back that I was freaking him out (I'M freaking HIM out - what about HE'S freaking ME out, not talking about what's going to happen next year?). I'm worried I wrote back and that's why I've been on edge. Is it possible for us to talk? I also told him that I've been wanting to talk to him for the past few weeks but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. We'll talk Monday he said.
This morning I packed the kids up for their 'exciting day' with their dad in the office. The kids and I had spent the night in my room together. They probably sensed something wasn't right and couldn't sleep so we all slept together. They're getting bigger, it wasn't an easy night but I didn't want them to be by themselves if they felt uneasy. I didn't really tell them what was going on, mostly because they didn't ask about it. Daughter did wonder this morning why her father went to the office so early and I told her that he had to work late so decided to stay there. It didn't worry her she said as long as he was OK.
Expecting a meltdown, I rang my best friend and said that I needed her. They've moved into their house so I asked if I could spend the day with them and she generously told me that of course, I was welcome. I don't like to put those things on people, but I really did need her. It was a good distraction. We cooked and shopped and lay around her house and chatted about stuff. She told me to think positive, that in fact ex could be preparing for his own crisis and that I should think of him having a tough time too. She said some other things too, like we need to live in the present and be grateful for what we've got now and to think positive. I remembered that I have to focus on what I want and not what I don't want.
I got back home at 7.40 and the kids arrived with ex shortly after. We exchanged only a few words before he went to his room and went to sleep, where he is at this moment. My guess is that he'll get up later and go out again or go to the office. I have no idea what he's thinking but the kids told me he wants to do this thing twice a week, on Tuesdays and Sundays, if I agreed. I'm not going to agree, not to every Sunday. That's also the day when I get to take the kids out, one of the few times during the week when I get to spend time with them that doesn't involve telling them what to do and when, doing homework or doing chores. it's our quality time too, which I need, otherwise I end up feeling like the 'bad guy' all the time. He can't have all the fun bits!
When things like this happen, ex gets stronger. He's motivated to change things up, make new routines and pull further away from me. This morning when he came back he left with the kids, a lounge chair, our two giant sofa cushions, some extra linen, some boxes and some games of the kids. It felt like he was moving out and that didn't do my stupid messy mind any good. He told the kids he just wanted to give me a day off. I didn't need a day off and if I did, I would have asked for it. Instead my poor friends had to have me over for the entire day. I wasn't unpleasant, I just don't think they were expecting it.
I'm wondering if he's decided to move out. I'm expecting it and some other shocks that I haven't thought about. But I do know this - tomorrow, I will tell him that we need to plan for the future, I will tell him that drawing down on a credit card is not 'taking care of the finances'. I will assure him that if he lets me take the kids back home, I will do my damnedest to make sure they see him for an extended period at least once and, if possible, twice a year. I will ask him if he's aware of the implications of not paying the credit card back and whether he knows about the impact it will have on me, if any. I will tell him that just because I go back with the kids, it's not the end of him being their father - why can't we call two countries home and in a few years (7 or so), the kids can choose where they want to be. For me now, it really is about education and lifestyle opportunities for the kids - gymnastics, swimming club, theatre groups, having a pet, sleepovers at their cousins house, travelling around the country (if possible), all the things I imagined for them as they were growing up. I have to let him know that I don't want to leave right now, but I do want to leave at the end of the year and sooner if he can't support us.
Only time will tell as they say. I need to keep my emotions in check. I have to steel myself because he can say some very cruel things when we talk like this. I have to remember that I'm a normal person with normal emotional responses. If I don't like something or agree with something, I have to say so. To do less would be letting myself down.
Wish me luck and strength. If you're religious, please think of me. If not, just think my way anyway. I love you all for your wonderful support and your care.
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