From 2 nights ago...
Another hour long conversation. Expectations, teaching the kids skills so they feel good about themselves, no resentment or anger on his side for what he went through in the past, I talk about living in the now but don't do it, he's enjoying his moments with the kids these days, he tries to take things one step at a time.anger and the question why never help a situation. Water off a ducks back when he says things like, "I'm not saying this to put you down " - I can't remember what he even said about me. I just remember not feeling anything anymore.
Kept wishing I could liven in the now all the time but then I always remember that I'm not where I want to be.
Guilt flooding over me when he talked about how parents use guilt to get their kids to do stuff or to listen. Voice in my head saying "you do that". More guilt when my attention wavered and followed the guilt thread and made me think about the other day when I lost my cool with Jilian because she turned an issue that was about her into an issue about me. It felt so much like being judged and controlled by ex I couldn't help myself. Bad mother. Ex always seems like a better parent than me, even now. I told him last time he was wrong to fake his emotions and pretend to be happy for the kids. Of course, he's not wrong, but I can't do that well. It doesn't work for me, but I'm getting better at it. Bad mother.
Must remember the plan. Act happy, all the time. Don't let him find fault with you.now he say he tries not to be too critical when he comes home. He let's a lot of things go. But when he makes a mistake all he gets angry with himself. What he cares about is that it doesn't happen again. It doesn't bother him if I get angry because he will always be more angry with himself. Makes me think I'm too slack on myself.
He's still doing alot of work on himself. He listens to motivation tapes before he starts his work to get himself going. He spends his spare time reading up on articles about expectations, motivation and being present.
Must remember that I need to match him to be able to cope with this situation. Must also get strong and fitter. Have been letting my self go. Am now 86 kilos. Bad stuff.
The kids love being with him because he is doing more things with them now, really enjoying them, especially his daughter. They are of like minds.
Keep thinking about the promise I made to daughter. I promised her I would never leaver her again. Must keep promise to her or risk hurting her very badly. Cannot do that.
No further talk about the future. Need to discuss renewal of visa, due in 5 weeks time. That means I have to plan now be us it takes two weeks to process so we have to go din three weeks time, at the latest.
Head full of crap. Going to sleep now. Have typed this on the 'Pad, so if there are a lot of errors, that's why. I can barely see what I'm typing and i certainly can't feel anything on this onscreen keyboard.
5 comments:
No resentment or anger on his part! What a generous good natured chap he has proven to be.
Better described I suspect as condescending.
Here is a separate issue and I ask....Why do these things happen?
Just a random look at your blog had me all stirred up again.
I looked at your blog Wednesday, February 2, 2011 and I got all fired up at the second last bit on your blog entry.
Is it possible that you only did this to irk me?
Having re read this entry I seemed to recall my response. It did make me smile though.
Actually it gave this Scorpio a hearty laugh thinking back.
Cheers to all
You seem to be careful to do all the right things.
If you are worried about the children and what you are doing don't be. Children while they can hurt you emotionally I have seen how you bond.
Wait until they are teens and only then will you know real emotional pain.
With regard to parents using guilt would it be acceptable to respond "yes WE do that sometimes" rather than personalise it?
Mr Scorpio, we may think he's condescending but he honestly believes that he was very badly done by in our marriage. When he saw that I had problems, he did all the giving while I did all the taking and I accepted that situation as normal. In the meantime he was thinking why isn't she giving or noticing what I'm giving? A few years on and he starts to question our situation but instead of agreeing, I fight back saying that he's wrong, he's controlling etc. I fight back so hard he starts to think he's the crazy one. And so on to our present situation. Now you can see what a tough time he had of it when we were together. It was so bad for him he now suffers from PTSD and some BPD traits.
I say this all as someone who has heard his story. This is not my story. But it's his reality and nothing I can do will change it.
And isn't that Mr Virgo nice! So tactful!
:D
Jo let us go though some of this blog entry with your reply to that too sensitive Mr Virgo guy and others.
You wrote
“he honestly believes that he was very badly done by in our marriage”.
Yes so?
There would not be too many folk out there that have a marriage that meets at all times the fantasy world we would all like.
So what is the surprise here?
We all have and deserve Great Expectations.
“he starts to think he's the crazy one”
The other side of that is that you are (or were) the crazy one?
That we know is not true so that statement tends to infer you are again accepting the blame and we know that is not fair and certainly not true.
So no matter how you think or write it please just stop rearranging words that say “it must therefore be my fault”!
“he now suffers from PTSD and some BPD traits”
So you have somehow “infected” him with these alphabet diseases and he lacks the ability to get his head right.
If I am to believe all I read today everyone it seems has alphabet diseases. ADD, ADHD, ABCD, ABCDE, PTSD, BPD and probably many yet to be invented.
Yes, what we need are more diseases to be invented and cured by chemicals already created that have no present use.
I am also well over the situation where it is always the fault of someone else. In this case as far as Ex is concerned it is YOU!
Just as you have largely emerged from this dysfunctional emotional storm created by a less than successful union so he needs to toughen up psychologically and face reality.
“But it's his reality and nothing I can do will change it”.
You may not change it, you may just be able to help him a little.
You survived this mess all the stronger with a clearer vision and although he may not like it (and it may have taken a while) he now needs to do what you have already achieved.
Reading the blog some I suspect are left wondering what his "reality" will be when the money runs out.
With only 6 months to go there is no likelyhood of a better parallel universe suddenly appearing.
Kind thoughts and best wishes to all can still be issued though.
So kind thoughts and best wishes.
Mr Scorpio,
The words I use are from him and though it sounds like they are coming from me. I should have put them in quotation marks or something. The part about our marriage being so miserable for him that it caused him to develop the alphabet diseases, about him inferring that it was actually me that was the crazy one who made life so bad for him, those are the things he says to me when we are talking. It was almost lie a revelation for him when he decided that it wasn't him after all.
I will never agree that all this was my fault. I may nod my head to him and let him think that but I don't. It's a lie I live with every day because he refuses to acknowledge his part in the breakdown and so I never get to tell my story. I've accepted that will never change, so I live with my version of what happened in my head. There is no point fighting for it and I risk hurting everything I've worked for if I did. Not to mention that if I really did say it out loud, it would be the hugest betrayal to him and I have no desire to hurt him that way.
I do feel bad that I'm essentially lying to him though, but I can't help what I feel. It is what it is.
So in my own words, I can categorically state that I am not responsible for the development of any alphabet diseases in this family, I did my best with what I knew, I am not wholly responsible for the breakdown of this marriage, he was at fault too, I also did not get what I needed, I also went through so much trauma that I now have an inner rage that needs to be kept in check and not everything is my fault. Oh yeah, and I'm not unlovable, nor do I have BPD and my friends really do care about me, they are not
being polite.
An despite what he thinks about himself, he can be controlling, self-centered, arrogant, pedantic and aloof.
Cheers all of you.
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