Another talk.

On a normal day last week, it wasn't too late, the kids were asleep so I asked if he wanted to talk. I had something to say! He accepted and came into my room. Good start. Much prefer my room where i am comfortable and he can't sit at the computer and do something else at the same time.

The mood was much more amicable. I had thought carefully about and prepared what i wanted to say. Above all I wanted to agree with him about "wanting what I want" but also wanted to clarify why I wanted it.

So I started. You're right I said, I do want the kids back with me, I think it's the best option. Given all the circumstances, I think it's the right way to go.

BUT

If the kids decide they want to stay here, do I get the option of staying another year too? (no answer yet)

He seemed to accept that for what it was and said something along the lines of (read precisely) "I don't have any problems with the kids going back with you, but I do have some concerns" and then we steered the conversation to "laying out all the little things on the table, to get them out of the way." The concerns we both have, as it were. He has a few, one of which I think is really important, the others not so much. I have many, which he will probably disregard.

His first concern is my moods. I still get moody, yes I admit it. I'm doing my best under difficult circumstances, but it still shows through. His moods don't really, not for the untrained eye (my eyes and ears are, fortunately, trained). He is concerned that my happy/shitty mood swings will affect the kids and that my sometimes harsh language will lower their esteem. I agreed that my mood swings are not good and that I am working on them all the time. Bear in mind that, at this stage, there is no telling him that my mood swings are a result of this tiring and unhappy situation. I read Eckhart Tolle, why aren't I living in the NOW and balancing my emotions as such?

Now before you say "no Jo, you're not like that..." let me tell you I AM. I can go from hot to cold in a flash and it can be extremely jarring for the kids. When I get angry, after the fear has subsided, the kids then worry about whether I am going to be alright. My son tells me to rest and drink water and my girl gives me hugs. They step up and take care of me and I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. Nice that they take care of me, but I''m their mum and I should be doing the 'taking care of...' In what will be a traumatic time for both them, I need to be stable, so I understand his concern.

Ex has asked me to look up articles on "children with parents who have BPD", whether or not I think I have BPD, I should still do some reading on it. Careful not to appear defensive when all I really wanted to shout "I DO NOT HAVE BPD, YOU NARCISSISTIC PERSONLITY DISORDERED IDIOT" I said, I will look it up and consider what is being said. I tell you people, it takes skills to appear that calm in the face of something like that.

That said, he was quite calm himself, not defensive like last time and I did point that out to him. I told him that he himself brings a very bad energy to a conversation when his expectations are so low. He didn't defend himself, just listened and that made me feel calmer, you know, like I'm not crazy (which I don't think I am, Mr S, but someone in this household does, even if he doesn't say it with those exact words).

After we discussed the mood swings, he went on to state his other concerns, which involved teaching the kids life skills, particularly our son. Top of his list is "sequencing" - doing things in a logical order so that they can be done faster and more efficiently! Screaming at him doesn't help me so I addressed this most important (not so much) issue and told him that I've improved a lot in the way I do things and will be able to teach them the necessary skills. I need to lead by example he said and if I don't have the skills, they will never learn! When this comes up again, I'll be sure to tell him that he's free to teach them when they spend time with him because
And then it dawned on me. He's going to bring up all his concerns, so, I CAN TOO!

So, what did I query him on? What are my concerns? I didn't want to leap into the obvious (yet) so I started small.

Taking care of them? How do you plan to do it, given your current work hours.? He said he would need to restructure his working hours to look after them. Obviously. He can and would do it.
Socialisation: He doesn't have any friends with kids, how does he plan to give the kids opportunities to play with friends their age. He told me that last time (when I went home and he looked after our daughter) he invited former best friend's son over and also took our daughter
to KL to play with her cousins. He took her for trips to Malacca and Singapore. On this matter I would think that now the kids are old enough, they'd pester him to invite their friends over anyhow, so it's not a big deal.

Of course, my next foray into 'let's get the little things on the table' will be
How are you going to support them financially?

And

How will you provide them with a rounded education so that if they want to pursue a career or university, they will have the SKILLS to do so? Will you consider a private college given that the seconday schools here are not teaching Science and Maths in English anymore?

At this point, it was getting late, so we decided to stop. We agreed to keep talking, every few days or so. He did at some point also say that he is the one in the best position to cope with any separations - meaning better for me to take the kids back than for them to be here with him and me go by myself. At least, that's the meaning I got from it. He says all these things - big important, decision-influencing things - and then takes them back or changes their meaning. So I'm not putting too much weight on whatever he says at this point in time. He also reitierated that we should keep the children's best interests at the top of the list. I agreed

When it comes to making an actual decision, I'm going to ask him to put it in writing and sign it.