A very long time ago, two people walked into a store in the middle of the city. Arm in arm, they proceeded to look at the opals on display. They were buying a small present for a treasured, but difficult, family member overseas. The lady behind the counter looked at them and smiled, asking them if they'd been together for a long time. They happily and almost proudly told her that they had - this was their 5th year together. She replied that she could tell. They seemed comfortable together. The girl smiled as the boy tightened his grip around her waist. They made a purchase and moved on, secure that their relationship would last a lifetime.
21 years later those same two people no longer think the best of each other. In fact, they think the absolute worst of each other and it's heartbreaking. The man I used to love thinks that in my head I berate him constantly, for every little thing that he does. And he in turn, berates me and thinks the worst of me.
The dysfunction that has embedded itself in both our psyches is soul destroying and it was during our recent talk that the complete awfulness of it all revealed itself. He told me that when he saw me looking at his bag and with THAT look on my face (the "someone has died" look), he thought that I was berating his choice to take some toilet paper from home to the office. I was really thinking "oh, he needs toilet paper" and that was all. He really thinks I give a shit about whether he takes dunny paper from home to his office. It's that small. He had me thinking all sorts of really bad things about him in his own head. He doesn't give me any sort of credit about the progress I've made and so I'm just the same screwed up person doing the same screwed up things that I did long ago.
Hearing him tell me about what he thought I was thinking really brought home how dysfunctional he is. He told me he knows I think he goes out drinking at night when in fact he's at the office working because he can't sleep. I do think he goes out drinking but it's his choice to do that. He's free to live his life the way he wants to and I try not to judge him on it. If he wants to take substances, again, his choice. Of course, I bitch about it here but I've long passed the point where I wake up at night wondering what he's up to because he hasn't come home yet (still does happen on occasion but there's no anger).
This morning we tried to organise sharing the car. He asked if I needed it, then when I said yes, pulled a face, like I was trying to be difficult. He says it's just a yes/no question but his actions make it seem otherwise. Then when we were driving out to the office he's humming those inane songs (let it be and something else). The humming is driving me nuts. To me it says "you are so difficult to deal with, I have to hum these stupid inane songs just to keep from losing my sanity around you". Now of course, I don't know if I'm right... but oh, it's all so confusing. I kept telling myself "It's his problem, you've done nothing wrong".
The judging on both parts, the assumptions, putting words and thoughts in each other's heads, the insanity of it all. Horrible and not a healthy way to live.
Sometimes, only sometimes, I consider staying for another year but then I remember this bullshit and I know for sure, I have to get out of here.
I need to be away from this man, this man who I loved once and who I thought loved me.
I've got to be around people who trust me and like me. Who don't take my every move personally.
Tonight will be interesting. I'm thinking of my sister, who's friend passed away unexpectedly. Always sad. Such a shock. I only knew her from a distance but I'm still sad for her that she won't see her little boy grow up and her boy has lost his mummy. So, so tragic. She was a nice, cheery person. The doctors missed her illness until it was too late.
So tonight, ex, when I "look like someone has died" it's fucking true and it's not all about you.
4 comments:
With your “almost Ex” there are two thoughts here (same two that I have trouble living up to) that may apply.
• The first is attributed to Vladimir Lenin and Karl Marx when they said “accuse others of what you do".
• The second by that famous philosopher, song writer and dancer Bo Diddley when in 1957 he penned the immortal words “before you accuse me take a look at yourself”.
Heaven knows that people like me can utter these phrases and then like most others fail to see them applying to oneself. So is this the case with your “almost Ex”?
We and probably your “almost Ex” can ready point out the faults in others yet blithely ignore those very same characteristics when we execute them in daily life.
Is it possible that perhaps we might even consider them a positive personal attribute if applied to ourselves?
An example your “almost Ex” may use is “you never plan” which could suddenly become “we must remain flexible” should the situation be reversed.
Could it be that over the past many years you have simply been a dutiful sponge when it came to accepting his “you can do better”, “you are holding us back”, you need to (fill in the blanks)”, “why don’t you change your attitude” BUT my all time favourite he may use is the opening stanza “do not take this personally”?
Is it likely that the words Bi Polar will form part of any conversation?
Is it also HIGHLY unlikely that you will raise his Post Traumatic Stress crap?
I only raise the point to perhaps highlight potential imbalances in emotional weight associated with upcoming conversations.
Now you no longer require medication to cope with his daily self help “assistance” and showing initiative in resolving some of the dysfunctional issues I suspect will make your “almost Ex” decidedly uncomfortable on an emotional level.
Expect it to generate defensive comments from him relating to your emotional wellbeing albeit long past.
If it were me (a Scorpio) I know what I would do, HOWEVER, I suspect a less physical response may be to adopt the laugh it off concept with a retort along the lines of
• “Let’s move on past that, I have. Xanax and that period is history” or perhaps
• “Others have recognised that I no longer require the emotional Xanax crutch so let’s not waste time on issues long past and irrelevant”.
The reason I am thinking this is that now you have taken the initiative I believe you should ensure some control over the way this will happen. I DO NOT MEAN DOMINATE THE CONVERSATION!
While I recognise that there may be an unwanted reaction if either of those retorts were used as written, is it time to use an appropriate “hey, this is the new me and I require you to recognise that because this situation cannot work as it is” type comment?
Your “almost Ex” will I suspect be most reluctant to hear this and infer that you are being unreasonable because history ....etc, etc, etc.
Be prepared Jo.
Perhaps others have alternative thoughts for your consideration?
Regards to all.
Hmmm sounds like there's possibly projection going on from his way to you. About the toilet paper; maybe he has those sorts of thoughts and thinks you do too.
OMG Jo, tough. Past love is hard even when you're not still living together. Must be hell but try not to torture yourself with those thoughts about 'the way things were.' So many loves change, even if the people stay together, and slide into something less exciting and more comfortable, that lovely love rarely stays the same. IMO.
And so sorry to hear about your sis's friend. Sad.
xxxxx
Mr S, so many questions from you. para 4- could definitely be the case. He doesn't see himself in the same light as he sees me at all. Maybe i should say to him that we often react most strongly to those things we see, but fail to acknowledge, in ourselves. He claims to see many things about himself, but when it comes to me, i'm always the one with the biggest flaws.
Para 8- i absorbed these things like they were stone cold facts. Now some of them might be true but some are absolutely not and who wouldn't take "you are unlovable" personally?
As for future conversations, i will be as prepared as i can be. I've told him that at some stage he needs to trust me that i will respond in a reasonable manner. I don't know if he took note of that at all but i still try to show him again and again. For instance, to day the phone got cut off because he hadn't paid the bill and iinstead of freaking out about it, i calmly sent him a text stating the facts and then offered to help him sort it out by rining up the phone company. I could have freaked completely and called him all sorts of unflattering names and then shoved his whole "we've got to be responsible" talk to the kids in his face and then asked how responsible he was given he often has trouble paying the bills and by the way why can't he afford to pay the bills on time!!!! He has no idea how emotional i could get but i choose not to
A "funny" thought with the phone being cut off.
Have you considered saying "you should do what I do and plan"?
Perhaps say “you really should put these important things into your iPhone and prioritise still we all make mistakes”.
Is it possible to "store" the question about the family finances and raise the issue about the phone.
I do not mean in a nasty way though.
The rationale for this is that somehow, someway, you need to shake off his permanent image that you are unreliable.
My wife is wonderful at recalling things that need to be paid BUT occasionally she forgets.
I cannot criticise her because I have happily left paying bills up to her.
As I see it “almost Ex” has taken it upon himself to pay the phone bill so he cannot blame you.
When the stress rises to a point I can just hear the comment “I should not have to hold your hand with these simple things”.
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