Be prepared for
Anger
Resentment
The twisting of words.
From my perspective, all of these have happened, but more on that later.
After yet more thinking about last night's disaster of a conversation, I wrote the following in my journal. One word had lodged itself in my thoughts. He used the word "inevitable". Now of course, given what has gone down in the previous conversation, I am not going to just focus on that word. I'm not going to take it literally. But he did use it.
Inevitable????
Ex, of course I want what I do, because I think it's the best choice for the kids and that's why I want it. You may not agree with me, but then, you're entitled to your opinion.
But am I going to take drastic action to get it, like you say I would? Am I going to take the kids away if they are unwilling to go? No, I am not going to do that.
What I will do is reasonably advocate for what I think is best for the kids. I will put forward my version of what I think should happen and if you can show me a better way for all of us, then I will seriously consider that too.
But I don't think you can because if you logically examine all aspects of the things that should influence this decision, the results work in my favour and point to RETURNING HOME WITH THE KIDS.
If you presented this as blind evidence to anybody with a sound mind, they would come to the same conclusion I do: that we are better of financially, educationally and emotionally in Australia. This is not me fighting tooth and nail for 'what I want, when I want it'. It's not my fault that this is the better option.
He doesn't think I can put the needs of the children beyond my own. This was staggering to me because of course it's what I've been doing for the past 3+ years. I proceeded to tell him that and the fact that my needs often came in second and even third. He needs to start to trust me and treat me like a functioning adult, not like some crazed woman with a mental illness (no offence to people with mental illness - BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE).
After yet more thinking about last night's disaster of a conversation, I wrote the following in my journal. One word had lodged itself in my thoughts. He used the word "inevitable". Now of course, given what has gone down in the previous conversation, I am not going to just focus on that word. I'm not going to take it literally. But he did use it.
Inevitable????
Ex, of course I want what I do, because I think it's the best choice for the kids and that's why I want it. You may not agree with me, but then, you're entitled to your opinion.
But am I going to take drastic action to get it, like you say I would? Am I going to take the kids away if they are unwilling to go? No, I am not going to do that.
What I will do is reasonably advocate for what I think is best for the kids. I will put forward my version of what I think should happen and if you can show me a better way for all of us, then I will seriously consider that too.
But I don't think you can because if you logically examine all aspects of the things that should influence this decision, the results work in my favour and point to RETURNING HOME WITH THE KIDS.
If you presented this as blind evidence to anybody with a sound mind, they would come to the same conclusion I do: that we are better of financially, educationally and emotionally in Australia. This is not me fighting tooth and nail for 'what I want, when I want it'. It's not my fault that this is the better option.
He doesn't think I can put the needs of the children beyond my own. This was staggering to me because of course it's what I've been doing for the past 3+ years. I proceeded to tell him that and the fact that my needs often came in second and even third. He needs to start to trust me and treat me like a functioning adult, not like some crazed woman with a mental illness (no offence to people with mental illness - BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE).
As I was saying, he needs to trust me, but I don't think that's on the cards at all. Not even after all the work I've done.
After such a positive start a few days ago, I really feel like everything is in the toilet right now. I'm tossing up whether to send him an email and asking him not to treat me like that again because it goes against what we are trying to achieve. The more attention he pays to my 'issues' the more he will focus on that instead of what we want to achieve.
That said, if the laws of the universe really do work, his focusing on the inevitable... well, I don't need to explain that. Do I?
Send me good vibes people. My own energy and determination to see this through to a positive outcome is very strong. I can feel it in my very core. AdamLambert, I'm taking a step and falling into the glitter and rewriting the role I play.
BRING THE KIDS HOME ~ cb, May 2011
DON'T LET HIM HOLD YOU BACK - yc, June 2011
IMAGINE WHAT COULD BE IF YOU REWRITE THE ROLE YOU PLAY ~ Adam, Aftermath
2 comments:
I like the idea of the email because it will give his time to digest what you say.
1. Reinforce the issue that you have always returned as you said you would because that is what you said you would do!
2. The concept of "introducing" the fact that others in Malaysia who are familiar with your situation agree that it is best that you return to Australia with the children is a powerful tool. He will obviously want to know who said that though so be prepared.
3. I think it is important that you get him to acknowledge the fact that he “incorrectly or otherwise” indicated that after two years you could return with the children etc etc.
4. Can you close your eyes, shake your head and smile when he says something you believe belittles you followed by the words “please do not say that again”?
5. It was you that said “this is war” and while an amicable agreement ( a truce?) is what you are after no one has won a war by losing.
6. No one has ever convinced another by arguing.
Good Luck
Mr S,
I may send the email, with the disclaimer that this is not meant to upset him and is not an example of me fighting for 'what I want, tooth and nail'.
2. If I acknowledged that I talk to other people about my situation, he would get angry and use it as another excuse not to trust me so that's not an option. He's told me previously that I'm not to talk to anybody about our situation. Hmmm....
3. This would be hard. I may try it if I can find the right time.
4. Nope, it gets him riled because then he'll feel like 'he can't say anything'.
5.I did say this. Maybe I shouldn't have. Still, I feel I need to stick up for what I think is right.
6. That's why he doesn't want to go there.
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