Ambivalence

Sometimes, like this morning, I wake up and think "I just can't do this". I can't break their hearts like this.

Last night, as I was working, ex took the kids to play basketball at the little court down the road. My son shot his first ever hoop. He was so proud of himself. This morning over breakfast, he was beaming about it. They've been playing there for a couple of weeks now and ex is teaching him to throw and bounce and do stuff that does not come naturally to him. He's not the sporting kind, my boy, so to shoot a goal is a big deal.

Over the past few months, ex has been the good father I knew he could always be. If I'm busy, he takes them to dinner, plays with them, teaches them about life stuff, takes one for a day every weekend and they generally have a great time together. I, on the other hand have to do all the shitty, boring stuff - get them to eat their vegetables, make them shower, do homework with them, stop them fighting and killing each other and make them do chores. Not fun, but necessary.

In the meantime, ex gets all the good bits and I see how they've bonded with him now. I see how they love to spend time with him. I see how naturally comfortable they are when my daughter leans into him when they're sitting on the couch pouring over something on the iPad. I see how my son lights up and gets so excited when ex comes home from the office. But most of all, it's clear how much they are going to miss him if this all pans out "my way".

This is what I don't know how to deal with. To wrench them away from a life they know and for the most part, love. I've worked hard to help them make friends, to be comfortable, to deal with their homework and most of all, to create a life where they can have the best of both their parents.

It just seems wrong to wrench them away from it. And if, and when I do, I will be the bad guy once again and they will be angry and they will hate me.