End of a long day

Yesterday was, as expected, a huge day. After breakfast, we sat down with the kids together and told them. It was worse than you could ever imagine. Ex did the talking. He kept it simple, short. There was no room for discussion and as soon as he said "mummy and papa are going to separate " the shit hit the fan. There's no good way to tell something like this. They cried, sobbed and then both, in their own way got really, really angry. Son went into denial "this is unacceptable", "we have to stay together as a family" "i'm not having this" while daughter went to her room and just sobbed and screamed a little. We just walked around or sat around and comforted them when they'd let us, making sure they were physically ok when they didn't want us near them. Son went on a rampage of denial, eventually ending up in the bathroom where he was going to live by himself and daughter just stayed on her bed and then went for a very long shower. At first they didn't want hugs or to even be in the same room as us, so we just let them be. You can't force them to calm down, you can't tell them not to cry. They have to do it. Ex tried restraining son at one stage, but eventually gave up.

When they'd exhausted themselves, they gave themselves up for some cuddles and we started talking. Just me and the kids. I'd been sitting on daughter's bed, quietly waiting for her to emerge from her intial grief. She did and put her arms up to be held, just like a young child would. Son, who had been skulking around the house with his hand propped into a gun shape, was looking for me, ready to shoot. When his hand came through the door, i let him 'shoot' me and then pulled him into the room and onto my lap. "i tried to change your mind" he said quietly "but i know i can't now, so, ok, we're moving." He'd run the gamut of emotions out and finally came to accept, at least for now, that there is no choice.

Telling them that there was no choice i think helped them accept the inevitability of the situation. I'm grateful it happened this way because i think that giving them any choice in the matter would have made it more difficult.

A little later, the tears stopped flowing and we talked about what life might be like there and ex and I made sure we talked about how we were going to keep in touch. We tried to make it sound as positive as we could. We cleared up misconceptions, especially for son who thought that if ex and I divorce, ex won't be his father anymore. I told them stories of all the different kinds of families there are in the world, people that we know who don't have two parents living together and how they are ok. We made sure that they know we love them and that this is not their fault. At times when we weren't talking, we just lay down together and chilled out with the iPad and the computer, letting the whole situation sink in.

Later ex and i spoke. He wanted to know what i'd said to calm our son down. It wasn't me though. When son rants and raves against something and then realises he can't change things, he turns his thinking around talks himself into accepting it. What i realised today, and probably knew already is that the best life in the world cannot compare to having both parents around. The phrase "but i love my school" showed me that no matter what kind of life i could offer them in Australia, they would still rather live here if it meant ex and i being together. But we are not and i am going home, with them.

And so begins the new chapter in our life. For me, it is utter relief to finally have everything out in the open. The proverbial weight is off my shoulders and I can start to think and live more authentically. I am going to tell the parents of my students this week and i hsve started to think about packing. The kids are on school holidays so they are home for the week. Daughter wants to go back for a few days before we leave but son doesn't want to. This is a choice i am happy for them to make. While i think the worst is over, i know that there will be times when they are very sad and will break down when it all seems too awful. This morning, i checked on sonwho was taking longer than usual in the shower. I found him standing under the water, crying his eyes out. I picked him up, wrapped him in a towel and held him until he finished. This afternoon, my daughter would not leave the house, even though i needed to go shopping badly. I had to wait until she was ready. No point in pushing her and making things worse. She doesn't want the world to know about her sadness, so we spent most of the day in my room. When she was ready, we went to a safe place, my girlfriends lovely house, and had cake and tea.

To my two wonderful children, mummy is so proud of you both. You did well. Yu know if there was anything i could do to fix this, to make it better, i would. But for the way things are, you need to trust me that this is the best choice. Things will change gorgeous ones, but i will be there every step of the way to get you through it and catch you when you fall.

And so i begin to prepare for the future. Get through this and get home are my immediate goals. The rest can come later.
The tickets are not booked yet, but ex assures me he will take care of it. If he doesn't i will. He has given me more than enough cash to get everything organised, so i start in esrnest tomorrow.

Thank the Universe and thankyou all for your unending support and wise words.

Love jo