Looking up

I'm still happy and I just can't believe it. Yes, I had a bit of a shitty weekend, what with the xanax and all, but it was over really quickly and I've gotten on with things. The day after, I had a biggish headache, just to remind me that I don't need that kind of stress. After a good night's sleep, it was gone and I'm up again.

I feel strange, like I'm not me, but knowing that it is me. I can look out and see situations from other people's viewpoint, I can appreciate who they are and what their story might be. I understand a lot more about what makes people behave the way they do and realise it's not all about me. The focus is off me and I love it. For the first time in my life, I can say that I'm truly comfortable with myself. Not that I'm perfect, definitely not, but I'm comfortable with my good and bad points.

I can say I'm lazy and I don't cringe or try to hide it. I can look at the past with a new appreciation of what ex went through, how I was and where I was coming from. I understand why I was like that, and why I can still return there, given the right circumstances and mindset. When I'm stressed, I know it and do something about it, rather than try to push through it in impossible circumstances. And I can smile, even when someone tells me I 'should' be doing something this way or that.

I can look up and be grateful for what I have and what I've been through, because I know that it's brought me to this place where I never thought I'd be. This place, where my mind has stopped chattering meaninglessly and my body has started doing stuff, is reasonably peaceful, fresh and happy - it's the only way I can describe it.

My parents always wanted us to do things that made us happy. I've struggled a long time and been very unhappy. Now, after all the reading, writing, searching, arguing, talking (uggh, the hours of talking), after everything, I can say that I'm happy and I enjoy my life. Of course, I'm wary about it all - the reality that it won't last, but I'm not expecting it to. Life is up and down and we have to deal with it the best way we can. I will deal with whatever comes, in the best way I know how. I trust my instincts now, knowing that my decisions are not always made with myself in mind. I CAN put my kids first, damn it. I don't always make decisions based on what I want and when I want it. I can make decisions based on what's needs to be done and for whom.

It's a turn around that I'd never thought I'd make and honestly, if I can get here, anyone else can. Trust me, I do! :)