and it's been pretty good.
Firstly, I cooked something other than chicken for dinner. Sometimes it seems like we eat chicken all the time in some form or other because it's plentiful and fresh and cheap. Two nights ago, we ate fish that I'd bought AND I CLEANED IT MYSELF. It was pomfret, 4 medium sized fish that needed cleaning. I usually get the supermarket people to do it for me, but I'd bought it in a different supermarket where they don't offer that service. I was so desparate to cook something other than chicken, I decided I would clean it myself. I grew up watching my dad clean fish, so it shouldn't worry me and I kinda knew what to do, but that was a long time ago and now I find it much to squishy for my liking. But I did it anyway and was proud of myself and it was a good meal.
I also got over a potential meltdown and have managed to stay evenly keeled this week. I don't go out much and when I do, I enjoy every minute of it. I usually go out at night and leave ex to mind the kids. So I'd organised to go see my friends when I get an sms from ex asking me when I'll be back. I don't know, I replied, I'm in the middle of something (a very good conversation about something I can't remember now). I thought that would be enough to tell him "I'll come back when I'm good and ready" but then he asked for a time and said that he wanted to go for supper with a friend. And of course I felt like I had to go back earlier than I wanted to.
And this is what I felt like yelling at him when I got home: PICK YOUR NIGHT!! WHY DO YOU NEED TO GO OUT ON THE ONLY NIGHT I GO OUT!! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO COME BACK JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO AND YOU WANT TO GO OUT! IF I EVER DID THAT TO YOU, YOU'D BE FURIOUS AND YOU WOULDN'T COME BACK ANYWAY, SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE AND DO YOUR BIT MINDING THE KIDS WHILE I GET A BIT OF A SOCIAL LIFE. AND DIDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT LAST NIGHT AND TWO NIGHTS AGO AND GET HOME AT 3 OR 4 IN THE MORNING. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MESSAGED YOU THEN TO ASK YOU WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK BLAH, BLAH....
He's done this before when I've been out, not often, but enough for it to be annoying - and he doesn't see how or why it would upset me. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did! Clueless. Now I know I'm just whinging about him, but you know, it's been on my mind a bit and I gotta let it out somewhere.
I didn't say anything about it to him, though I wanted to so badly. I came home half an hour earlier than I was planning and just left it at that. After this, the next few days I tried to avoid him a little more because if I don't the 'things that he does' (like the things that we all do that annoy other people) annoy me to high heaven and I end up exploding and melting down.
To get over it (and it seems so minor now) I had to meditate (sit and breathe) until the horrible feelings passed and whenever I felt them coming up again, I'd do it again. I think I took xanax once too, just to give me a good nights sleep so as to lessen the grumpiness factor, lest I blow up because I was tired (not sleeping well these days either, vivid dreams and all that). And I also wake up every time ex comes home from his nights out so I thought I better take it so I wouldn't wake up at 4 in the morning listening to him clanging the gate. So I tried to take away all the factors that I had control over that I thought would contribute to a meltdown.
It seems to have worked to my benefit, not only because I didn't melt down, which is huge for me anyway, but after that, ex was a little nicer to me than usual - more friendly. Perhaps because he saw what he did and saw me take it in my stride or... perhaps not, maybe he was just in a better mood because he'd solved some problem with his work or some shit like that.
On a deeper level, I've noticed a shift in my consciousness towards him. I don't dwell on the 'things he does' - like telling me at the last minute he has to go out of town for the day and I'm left without a car or the supper thing. Today he got all motivated to do stuff around the house and even though I thought it was a good idea for him, I didn't think it was good for me - I wanted to relax because I do all these things during the week and today I had a massive hormone headache, which will only subside tomorrow night. But I tried to join him his mood and I swept and mopped and made an effort with the ironing. And when he told the kids "we all have to do better" and I wanted to say to him that his kids will grow up thinking they're never good enough, I let it go because maybe I'm wrong and they won't and he's just trying to help them see that they can always strive for more - even though they're only 7 and 9.
But with the shift in my mind has come more peace (for me) and (to him) indifference. One of my goals here is to deal with whatever he does as best I can because it's not like a normal separation where I can just shut him out of my life. He's right here, leading his own life, completely (and coldly) separated from me in any personal way and I need to do the same. I think this is harder for women. We are so emotional. Men just pull away and move onto the next woman so easily - that's what it looks like anyway and this is not just from my experience. It's like they can turn off a switch and then, hey presto, turn their affections to someone else. Ouch!
So at the end of the first week of September, I can say it's been pretty good. In between all the usual stuff, I managed to cram in reading a novel, a rare pleasure in my life. The Time-Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. It was really good, I loved it. I thought the time travel stuff would confuse me (as it tends to do) but once I got the hang of what was going on, I was fine and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Oh and on a completely different topic... I had my son's eyes checked this week, as a matter of course and the optometrist showed me my son's eyes through the camera and asked if I could see anything out of the ordinary. I looked and looked and then noticed - his pupils, in normal light, are huge! They're twice as big as a normal eye. I hadn't noticed this because his eyes are dark brown and you can't see them, but there it was. Huge pupils. This might explain why he plays in the dark, telling me he can see when I tell him to turn the light on. It's not a really big deal, just one of those quirky things that I can add to his ever growing list of quirky things. And he'll need glasses early next year. Oh well.
Another late night. Another week gone.
Cheers.
5 comments:
Lacking drama and without bitterness would it be possible to resolve the issues you raised (in bold print) in paragraph three and later in the post regarding the vehicle without these issues turning into a squabble?
I believe that you have legitimate points in your post that require some resolution for all involved.
While you are living separate lives to a degree you are still connected via the kids, the house and even, it appears, cockroaches and transport arrangements. These are interrelated issues with the two parents’ ideally requiring consensus on some items.
There may be a valid reason for J to go away at short notice (or not) although the inconvenience issue needs to be understood.
Perhaps just see as an example if there is some way in which your evening(s) out are not impinged unduly by an almost “predictable” phone calls.
Best wishes to all.
Love the Time Traveller's Wife. Did you cry? I cried twice I think. The bit when he sees his daughter, she's on her school excursion.
Princess has big pupils as well. Huge sometimes. It can be a sign of emotionality as well I believe, a sensitive, feeling person. That's what my mum says.
Nice post!
x
Loving your new attitude more and more girl. You are the cool chick on the block.
Love from Me
Mr Scorpio, nup, no chance of resolving issues, though I could quitely say "please don't ring me tonight when I go out because I'm going to be very busy" and that might work, though I don't think so because he knows where I go, with whom and pretty much what we do. I guess he sees it as interruptable and unimportant stuff. But next time he does ring, I'll make it harder for him by not answering or some shit like that.
Actually, I think I'm gonna say something like - I'm not happy about something and I want some rules drawn up about how we respond to certain situations. I'll have to script it so I don't get nervous and yell at him.
Melba, I didn't cry - there must be something wrong with me. I did love it though and want to get my own copy and do a re-read as I'd borrowed a friend's. I think I read it too fast to appreciate some of the finer details. My friend says it's going to be a film - I wonder who they'd choose to play Henry and Clare. For some reason, my mind came up with Liam Neeson for Henry and I don't know who for Clare. Who would you pick?
And that's a nice thing your mum said. My son is definitely a 'feeling' kind of person - very sensitive to what other people say about him.
Thanks Pete, you're a sweetie. :)
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