Well, here we are on the other side of what happened last night. I went to see you today, to talk about it. "Can you explain to me about last night?" I asked. Well, you said, it was just a change of plans and I asked if you could come home. Is there a choice about that? I asked, knowing full well there isn't, or at least I don't feel there is. After some hesitation, you said yes, there is a choice. Because I don't feel like I have a choice, I said. It's like you call me to come home and I have to and I would never do that to you. No there's a choice you assured me. In my mind, I didn't believe him. His next point was that when I came home I gave him 'the face' and that spoiled the fun for him. I shouldn't have been angry. After all, I changed my plans three times (not my fault and he should have let me know that he did have plans in the first placed) and he only changed his once (in the middle of mine...). He hates that face (my face when I'm angry) with a passion. It sends him into a spin, similar to a spiral I guess.
So next time I should accept things for what they are (just a change of plans), graciously and not show him the dreaded 'face'. After all, he does it for me so many times... If I'm out shopping and I change what time I will get home, it's OK. If I go away and visit my mother, it's OK with him. He makes it easy for me - so, so easy, I just don't know why I can't seem to be happy with that.
Hmmmm, sometimes I hate my life.
PS Rational mind agrees with him. Just a change of plans and be nice about it and we can both do taht for each other. Ego mind can't stand it.
8 comments:
At least you talked it out rationaly with him and he seems to have given you (honest?) answers that you can deal with. Progress (ever so small) has been made?
Ah Jo but when his change of plan affects you like this, I would say first in, best dressed?
Maybe you could articulate that, calmly, and just say casually "you know I've had a bit of a think. Just to let you know, if I go out and you don't have plans (and I've already negotiated this with you) and then something comes up for you, I think it's fair that you just have to make alternative arrangements."
Otherwise you are doing more that just keeping the peace. You are being a doormat. Are you too scared of what might have happened if you'd said something like that to him?
I think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to come home so he can go out, when you are already out (and have only been there ten minutes.) Or you could have said I'll come home, but in 2 hours. I can't let my friends down. Or something like that.
These are good things to assert yourself with, knowing you have right on your side.
Or am I misreading this?
HUGS!!!
XXXXX
You know what Melba, I agree with you. This was my first reaction and I was even thinking "I look like a doormat", which is why I got so angry. And yes, I'm scared of what would happen if I said that. He may be angry (he always seems to take what I say the wrong way, like he thinks I'm trying to pick a fight), but these days it's hard to predict his reaction. He's just as likely to take it calmly.
I don't think you misread this, but, I'd actually already been out for a couple of hours doing something else and then decided to extend my time out. And he did have plans but didn't say that )so his bad luck?)and kept on saying no to his friends. When I woke him up and he couldn't get back to sleep, he decided to change his mind. Next time though, I'm not going to be so quick to rush home. I will try to use your words. Enough is enough. And I should ask more questions, especially when his actions affect me like that. Thanks Melba.
Last night he went out and I asked him when he'd be back (I never normally ask). He said 11 then had a change of plans at 10.30 and actually messaged me to ask if it was OK. First time ever.
Pete, maybe a little progress here. He did say I had a choice in whether I can come home or not. Next time I'll try to exercise that choice.
Sounds good, and also try not to be scared of his anger. Because it's his reaction and he has to own it. Not you.
Unless he's going to get violent or is unpredictable and really scary, then I'd be trying to not care so much about his reactions. Not in a callous fuck you way, but more in a "you know what, I think you're being unreasonable way" while retaining a sense of fairness.
I think enough heat has come out of the situation for you to start asserting yourself a little more. And don't think that he was so good because he "let" you go visit your mother. That was your right to do so, not his allowance or indulgence of a whim of yours.
Just don't get caught into emotion. Keep everything calm and clear and steady. You might surprise yourself, and he might surprise you too.
Next time, be prepared for things that might come up. Even write down some practice scenarios. Carry them in your handbag. If you're out and he rings and the same thing happens or whatever, say "Let me call you back in a minute, I'm just in the bathroom" or something.
Then check your note. Compose yourself. Call him back. Assert yourself. There's no harm in preparation, there's no harm in negotiation either. If this is too big a step, try saying something like "OK, but I'll be another hour. See you then."
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There is definite progress JO. If I had time I'd go back to your early posts and would be able to see it very quickly. Have you looked?
And HI Peter. Go Cats. What does you FIL say about that new guy. Only heard his name for the first time this week, there's a real buzz about him but I can't remember his name!
We all “hate” our life occasionally and it only gets put into perspective occasionally.
I mope around annoyed and left pondering “what might have been if only”, I know of wealthy people with poor health (Kerry Packer) and when we do work at places that house people with severe disabilities I mentally thank all the gods that I am so well off.
Now, that does not mean we cannot improve things does it? (Note: it was a question)
• Nah, just be thankful that you do not have everything that you desire. If you did what would there be to look forward to?
• Be thankful when you do not know something because it gives you the opportunity to learn.
• Be thankful for your mistakes. They teach you lessons.
• Be thankful when you are tired and weary, because it means you have made a difference.
Now that all that “inspirational” dot point type stuff from those “learning gurus” has been put before you the questions remain.........
1. What are you going to do to change this “door mat” situation without any emotional upheaval?
2. How can you do this before this before it all occurs again?
3. If something urgent comes up, obviously plans change. What we are all talking about is those irritations to both parties that may / will cause that “dreaded face” to appear. Lord knows we all lived in fear of that face that became so well tuned during those Matriculation years. (joke)
Just a further thought, what is ex’s equivalent facial expression of that “dreaded face”? I bet there is one and I will also bet that you know it and have not mentioned it to J.
Best wishes to all.
Ooh Melba, great comment. I will carry those words around with me so that I am prepared for the next time he rings. I like the part about being in the bathroom and then getting back to him when I was ready.
And though I try not to care about his reactions, his anger does scare me. Not that he gets violent or anything, he doesn't, but I just hate it when he gets angry at me. He does own his reactions now though - he's told me a number of times that a lot of the stuff that used to set him off, he doesn't even care about anymore and doesn't let it affect him because he's chosen not to.
Mr S, he does have one of those faces - I think we all do, but I've never told him about it seriously because I just figure it's a part of him and who am I to try to change him. You know me too well Mr S - you still remember my Year 12 - was it really that bad? God that was a tough year.
I'll try to address the doormat situation as per Melba's advice, but asserting myself in this way does seem a little scary.
And in response to a question from last time, the last time he experimented was 2 nights ago.
Ok, g'night people. I'm seriously tired and really I just want to come home and flake out on my sister's sofa.
I would be interested in the views of others.
When you are not being a "door mat" I guess you are described by J as "being irrational and of course it is always about you".
Has J established a mind set that should you not do as "he instructs, wishes or requires" that you are automatically "having one of your infamous, irrational episodes"?
More importantly have you accepted emotionally that if you do not "do his bidding" that you are automatically being selfish?
This may be particularly so if you once believed that you at fault because you were BPD.
I guess the point I am attempting to make is that being independent need not necessarily mean being inconsiderate and selfish!
Developing and establishing your independence now, in your situation is I suspect, more important than you have ever previously required.
Do you feel that we are we being too emotionally ruthless for you? I suspect we here do not.
I hope you notice that it is darned hard for a Scorpio male to do this blog thing with only questions?
See I managed to finish with a question of sorts.
Best to all.
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