We got the visas. I had everything prepared, as per KL - multiple copies of birth certs, previous passports, my passport, almost-ex's passport, etc. It went as well as it could have. We were still there for 4 hours, but that's better than 6, which it can be. They transferred my son's current visa to his new passport and extended it to match mine (due in July) and they did it for free! Now we await his new visa. We needed an extra letter to the authorities to say why we wanted to apply for the extensions so early and we were able to get it from a lady down in the carpark, who, for a fee of RM 10 (about AUD3.5) will type any letter you want. There are several people like this, who provide all the services you could need at a place like immigration - commissioner of oaths (like a JP), petition writer, copier services, and other people who made a living providing letters and such for desperate people like us. I wonder if they can make a living from this. Probably a meagre one.
The rest of the week went smoothly - my students came in for their sessions - which I will write about one day, my daughter got her report card 6 A's and 1 B (yes they grade them at this level) and we continue to wade through the onslaught of homework (at least 2 hours a day). I've set daughter up with a new study table and lamp, as her eyes are already developing myopic tendencies and I've read that dim light and close reading (both of which she's been exposed to) would have contributed to this. By september, she'll be wearing glasses. She loves the new set up - it seems more grown up I guess, but she really does know what she's doing when she does her homework. Her poor cousin, who's in the same year, is struggling to keep up at all. I can't understand why his parents don't get him some help. I'd love to help him, it's what I do, but I can see the potential for him to just slip through the cracks and it breaks my heart because he is a nice kid.
The schools here are not set up to help slow learners. If you can't keep up, the teachers 'beat' (smack the kids hand with a ruler) the kids - it's so archaic it's not funny. They think the kids are slow because they are naughty. They don't/can't consider that a child will have learning problems or perhaps the teaching is not good. It's so sad. Teachers should make kids feel good about themselves, not punish them because they don't understand. Australian kids are pretty lucky. Lovely schools, lovely teachers (for the most part) and no beatings!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
5 days and counting.
Well, this is interesting. I can't really put my pics where I want them to be - at the bottom. Nevermind. The first picture is about 20 minutes into a heavy rain, pic 2 is about 10 minutes later.It doesn't flood really, just fills up the yard, but it's heavy enough to need to keep an eye on it, so the shoes don't float away.
Pic 3 is my kiddies being brave enough to come outside - it's very loud and very wet, but they've got to get used to it, because it's a part of life here. Aren't they cute!
So it's been 5 days since the last 'mood' and things have been running smoothly - kids to school, well one anyway, the other's still on holidays - kids coming here for their sessions. Back to normal - phew. Tomorrow is another big day. I have to go to the state immigration office and renew mine and my son's long term social visit pass. We do this every year. So again, I must be prepared. Have printed the "visa knowledge document" (yes, I've really called it that) where I've recorded the steps I took last year in order to renew our visas. It's good because my memory is shocking. I accompany this with no less than 3 phone calls to the immigration department to see if anything is changed. I do it 3 times because sometimes they don't understand me and pretend they do, sometimes they give the wrong answer and of course, sometimes things change. This time around, I have a contact who has told me that when I arrive tomorrow, I should contact him directly and he will come down with the forms!! Amazing service from a bureaucracy that's famous for it's laziness. I wonder if he's expecting any money from me!!! Hope not because I don't have any - not for him anyway. I remember once we went to Singapore and my passport wasn't stamped properly, so when we came back, they weren't going to let me back in - until almost-ex handed him a 50 Ringgit note. There you go - problem solved.
On the weekend, almost ex went away so I was home with the kids. If I was a real pessimist, I'd say I had a shit weekend, but I dealt with it. My mom-in-laws car broke down (I use this when almost ex goes away) and it rained so hard, my yard flooded, leaving it full of god knows what that's come in from the drain. Inside, the roof leaked again, tripping the electricity off, and the windows leaked, leaving huge puddles on the floor - but I dealt with it. No problem and no spirals. See I can deal with my life!
Time for bed, got an early start and a big day tomorrow.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The positive stuff
OK feeling positively normal again and ready to go on. I thought I'd share the good things about living in malaysia. Here they are, I'm sure I can come up with 20 Good Reasons to Live in Malaysia:
1 Cheap rent people - where I live anyway, which probably explains it. We pay only RM 450 per month (about $130) for a big 4 bedroom house. We had to install the kitchen and it's surrounded by concrete, but it's liveable and we all sleep comfortably in an air-conditioned room each.
2. Food - the food here is cheap and tastes amazing. Just follow the locals and you can feed the family rice, meat and vegies for a mere RM 20.00. Noodles can be cheaper. Example, in Sorrento, VIC, where we hung out for a while, we'd go to the Chinese restaurant there and order Char Kway Teow - flat fried noodles with bean sprouts, chilli, prawns and a bit green vegie. Price $20. Here I can buy the same thing and pay RM 2.00!!!! Astounding.
Other things food wise, yesterday I bought fresh broccoli for RM 4.50 a kilo - good price for the best vegie. There's all different types of green vegetable that you can stir fry with a bit of garlic and soy sauce and it sells for about RM 1.50 a bunch. Bananas, the power food, are a mere RM 2.00/kilo
3. Water - cheap and there's lots of it - sometimes too much, but that's another story. Our water bill is around RM 7/ month. And we do our best not to waste it.
4. House cleaners - A lot of people have 'maids' (that's what live-in house assistants are called here) - we use a part time cleaner once a week to come and clean the bathrooms, toilets, drains and floors and other stuff we need done. Although I keep the house up reasonably well, I don't have to deal with the really dirty stuff, which I'm grateful for. House work is bad enough, housework in a tropical climate is even worse. And for this little god-send, I pay RM 30/week for 5 hours of her time. She would get paid about RM 420 per month by her employer. She comes from Indonesia and supports her family with the money she earns here. She's a lovely person, very humble and hardworking. And she's patiently teaching me more malay than I can currently speak.
5 The opportunity to learn another language. Both my kids will be fluent in Mandarin (chinese) in a few years time and not only will they be able to speak, they will be able to read and write it. My daughter is already reading. writing and speaking Mandarin - I see what she writes in her school books and am astounded (and so proud) every time. I find learning chinese extremely difficult, but malay is better and I can speak and understand basic malay.
6. Petrol is cheaper - it's subsidized by the government so we only pay about $0.75 a litre (RM1.92) whereas the rest of the world is paying much higher prices for fuel.
7. Did I say 20 postives , maybe I meant 10. Thinking... crickets chirping... Oh yes, I can get my vegies and meat from the guy down the road and it's all fresh. I don't have to go to the supermarket all the time.
8. My kids learn piano for only $20/month, at the Yamaha music school. They have one individual lesson each week.
9. I have made some wonderful friends here. K & W are wonderful people who operate two kinders and an English tuition centre. I met them via my doctor because they have a son who's autistic. I teach him during the day and at night K & W and I go for supper or hang out in their office and talk til all hours.
10. I get to swim at night (provided it's not raining) in an open air pool that's not artificially heated. Soooo nice. Under the stars, lap after relaxing lap, quiet, peaceful aloneness.
There - got 10. I'll do another 10 another day. I got a little too ambitious.
Cheers
1 Cheap rent people - where I live anyway, which probably explains it. We pay only RM 450 per month (about $130) for a big 4 bedroom house. We had to install the kitchen and it's surrounded by concrete, but it's liveable and we all sleep comfortably in an air-conditioned room each.
2. Food - the food here is cheap and tastes amazing. Just follow the locals and you can feed the family rice, meat and vegies for a mere RM 20.00. Noodles can be cheaper. Example, in Sorrento, VIC, where we hung out for a while, we'd go to the Chinese restaurant there and order Char Kway Teow - flat fried noodles with bean sprouts, chilli, prawns and a bit green vegie. Price $20. Here I can buy the same thing and pay RM 2.00!!!! Astounding.
Other things food wise, yesterday I bought fresh broccoli for RM 4.50 a kilo - good price for the best vegie. There's all different types of green vegetable that you can stir fry with a bit of garlic and soy sauce and it sells for about RM 1.50 a bunch. Bananas, the power food, are a mere RM 2.00/kilo
3. Water - cheap and there's lots of it - sometimes too much, but that's another story. Our water bill is around RM 7/ month. And we do our best not to waste it.
4. House cleaners - A lot of people have 'maids' (that's what live-in house assistants are called here) - we use a part time cleaner once a week to come and clean the bathrooms, toilets, drains and floors and other stuff we need done. Although I keep the house up reasonably well, I don't have to deal with the really dirty stuff, which I'm grateful for. House work is bad enough, housework in a tropical climate is even worse. And for this little god-send, I pay RM 30/week for 5 hours of her time. She would get paid about RM 420 per month by her employer. She comes from Indonesia and supports her family with the money she earns here. She's a lovely person, very humble and hardworking. And she's patiently teaching me more malay than I can currently speak.
5 The opportunity to learn another language. Both my kids will be fluent in Mandarin (chinese) in a few years time and not only will they be able to speak, they will be able to read and write it. My daughter is already reading. writing and speaking Mandarin - I see what she writes in her school books and am astounded (and so proud) every time. I find learning chinese extremely difficult, but malay is better and I can speak and understand basic malay.
6. Petrol is cheaper - it's subsidized by the government so we only pay about $0.75 a litre (RM1.92) whereas the rest of the world is paying much higher prices for fuel.
7. Did I say 20 postives , maybe I meant 10. Thinking... crickets chirping... Oh yes, I can get my vegies and meat from the guy down the road and it's all fresh. I don't have to go to the supermarket all the time.
8. My kids learn piano for only $20/month, at the Yamaha music school. They have one individual lesson each week.
9. I have made some wonderful friends here. K & W are wonderful people who operate two kinders and an English tuition centre. I met them via my doctor because they have a son who's autistic. I teach him during the day and at night K & W and I go for supper or hang out in their office and talk til all hours.
10. I get to swim at night (provided it's not raining) in an open air pool that's not artificially heated. Soooo nice. Under the stars, lap after relaxing lap, quiet, peaceful aloneness.
There - got 10. I'll do another 10 another day. I got a little too ambitious.
Cheers
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Mummy....why are you like this?
Since the passport thingy on Monday, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, something I told myself I would avoid at all costs, for the sake of my kids. The intense emotions that have raised their ugly arses this week are hatred, desperation, jealousy, euphoria and others like those. I can feel the toxic feelings building up inside of me, desperate to escape in an explosion of aggression. I give 'sort of ex-h' dirty looks, even when he's done nothing wrong. I snap at the kids, getting angry and impatient, making them feel like they are in my way. I seethe, I cry in the hope that the feelings will leave of their own accord. Rational mind sits at the back and tells me I shouldn't feel like this, that I will damage my kids and my relationship with all those around me. And of course, I hate myself and eventually think that the world and my kids will be better off without me.
I blame the emotions on my sort of ex-h not wanting to reconcile. Last time I blamed it on wanting to go home. These things are not to blame. I've lost my focus and I'm not at peace - why am I here? What do I have to achieve now, and in the short term future?
What a lovely mother I am. The kids noticed it too - I can tell by the way they act - my girl stomps off at the slightest misdeed to her and her anger is all-consuming for at least 10 minutes (not good for a 7 year old) and my boy gets clingy, jealous and downright angry and physical if he is not getting his way. The kids are not always like this, only when I display emotional behaviour that to them doesn't make sense. You'd think that because I'm aware of my behaviour, I could stop it. I can to a degree, but then it sits under the surface and gradually makes it's way into the outside world - a snarl here, an anger outburst there, till I'm positively seething and being horrible. People on the outside world don't know I'm like this. I'm ashamed of it, embarrassed by it and feel that when I am normal, I'm faking it. They think, oh she's a special ed teacher, what a lovely person - crap I am. I can't stand it when people think I have all the patience in the world to teach these kids. I don't.
It's been like this for the last 3 weeks. Previous to this, I'd feel like this for a few hours a month and it would pass. Last time I went down this path, I left with my son to stay with my parents. My daughter was left behind to attend school and her father looked after her. I missed 4 months of my daughters life.
The rollercoaster is damaging. For them and for me. I have to fight not to get on. It's so incredibly easy to spiral down and blame everything else for the mess that is my life. I keep coming here and will do so for the rest of my life if I don't learn to control it. Like an addiciton, I keep going back to it. God knows why, because why would anyone want something so awful.
After a talk with my sort of ex-h, (who is usually supportive during these harrowing episodes), my mind started thinking normally again. The questions that surfaced were painful:
1 what will my kids think of their childhood days, when they look back and notice that mummy was nice sometimes and completely horrible other times.
2 If I leave them here and go away to try and get help for this, how will they view the gaps in their life when their mother wasn't with them?
3 Will I lose my kids forever if this happens again? The thought of never seeing them again, or missing out on them growing up physically hurts! I'm sure all mums out there know this pain. I can't even contemplate this, but if I don't get better, I have to contemplate it.
4 If I am like this, are my kids really better off without me?
Ouch, I gotta go, it hurts too much.
I blame the emotions on my sort of ex-h not wanting to reconcile. Last time I blamed it on wanting to go home. These things are not to blame. I've lost my focus and I'm not at peace - why am I here? What do I have to achieve now, and in the short term future?
What a lovely mother I am. The kids noticed it too - I can tell by the way they act - my girl stomps off at the slightest misdeed to her and her anger is all-consuming for at least 10 minutes (not good for a 7 year old) and my boy gets clingy, jealous and downright angry and physical if he is not getting his way. The kids are not always like this, only when I display emotional behaviour that to them doesn't make sense. You'd think that because I'm aware of my behaviour, I could stop it. I can to a degree, but then it sits under the surface and gradually makes it's way into the outside world - a snarl here, an anger outburst there, till I'm positively seething and being horrible. People on the outside world don't know I'm like this. I'm ashamed of it, embarrassed by it and feel that when I am normal, I'm faking it. They think, oh she's a special ed teacher, what a lovely person - crap I am. I can't stand it when people think I have all the patience in the world to teach these kids. I don't.
It's been like this for the last 3 weeks. Previous to this, I'd feel like this for a few hours a month and it would pass. Last time I went down this path, I left with my son to stay with my parents. My daughter was left behind to attend school and her father looked after her. I missed 4 months of my daughters life.
The rollercoaster is damaging. For them and for me. I have to fight not to get on. It's so incredibly easy to spiral down and blame everything else for the mess that is my life. I keep coming here and will do so for the rest of my life if I don't learn to control it. Like an addiciton, I keep going back to it. God knows why, because why would anyone want something so awful.
After a talk with my sort of ex-h, (who is usually supportive during these harrowing episodes), my mind started thinking normally again. The questions that surfaced were painful:
1 what will my kids think of their childhood days, when they look back and notice that mummy was nice sometimes and completely horrible other times.
2 If I leave them here and go away to try and get help for this, how will they view the gaps in their life when their mother wasn't with them?
3 Will I lose my kids forever if this happens again? The thought of never seeing them again, or missing out on them growing up physically hurts! I'm sure all mums out there know this pain. I can't even contemplate this, but if I don't get better, I have to contemplate it.
4 If I am like this, are my kids really better off without me?
Ouch, I gotta go, it hurts too much.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
High commission in KL and planning
Went to the Australian High Commission yesterday, to lodge my son's passport renewal. The security surprised me - I guess not really, but it was a bit unnerving having all our stuff scanned and ID taken and walking through the metal detector.
Inside though, it was very pleasant. Free internet browsing while you wait. Calm, cool atmosphere and the best thing of all, it well organised. Clean toilets too, always a bonus here, though I expected nothing less.
It was such a pleasure dealing with the people there - they were pleasant, well-groomed and efficient. Unlike the malay bureaucrats, the Australians know what they are talking about, they all give the same answers and they are easy to understand. Still, I was soooo happy that the passport lodgement went well. Jumping up and down in fact. Go the Aussies!
My history is such that I've often disregarded the importance of being organised and had to deal with the consequences (ie I remember one time my sort of ex-h and I were going to malaysia for a holiday. One week before I casually checked my passport to see if all was in order and it had expired 4 months prior. Boy, did I have a fit!) Anyway, that being as it was, it's taken me 20 years to become organised - better late than never, I guess.
So being organised and planning to the 'enth degree is a strategy I use (thanks to my sort of ex-h) to help me cope with big events. It has saved me more times than I can count. Of course, i used to not plan anything, unless it was terribly important to me (and only me), but now I plan and organise much more and find it's something I can't do without. I come from a family of non-planners and they can't understand my need to do this - I'll plan what I want to say in a telephone call if I think it will help - but I've got to do it.
So here's to being organised and planning, fellow BPD'ers. You can do it too.
Inside though, it was very pleasant. Free internet browsing while you wait. Calm, cool atmosphere and the best thing of all, it well organised. Clean toilets too, always a bonus here, though I expected nothing less.
It was such a pleasure dealing with the people there - they were pleasant, well-groomed and efficient. Unlike the malay bureaucrats, the Australians know what they are talking about, they all give the same answers and they are easy to understand. Still, I was soooo happy that the passport lodgement went well. Jumping up and down in fact. Go the Aussies!
My history is such that I've often disregarded the importance of being organised and had to deal with the consequences (ie I remember one time my sort of ex-h and I were going to malaysia for a holiday. One week before I casually checked my passport to see if all was in order and it had expired 4 months prior. Boy, did I have a fit!) Anyway, that being as it was, it's taken me 20 years to become organised - better late than never, I guess.
So being organised and planning to the 'enth degree is a strategy I use (thanks to my sort of ex-h) to help me cope with big events. It has saved me more times than I can count. Of course, i used to not plan anything, unless it was terribly important to me (and only me), but now I plan and organise much more and find it's something I can't do without. I come from a family of non-planners and they can't understand my need to do this - I'll plan what I want to say in a telephone call if I think it will help - but I've got to do it.
So here's to being organised and planning, fellow BPD'ers. You can do it too.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Exams for 7 year olds
This week has been busy with studying for my daughter's exams. She has malay, chinese and english language exams, maths and science in chinese and english and morals - yes, they have a whole subject devoted to good manners here - right up til grade 6!
I'm not crazy about the school system here, but it is what it is. But the exams really get me. To see my daughter stress because she doesn't think she knows enough is awful. I do my best to coach her, but in the end, she has to do it. And at her age, I don't think she should have to do anything of the sort. In fact, I feel for all the kids here, not just her. She's actually not that disadvantaged anymore, now that she can speak chinese. As far as reading and writing are concerned, when she started school, she was better off because she was already reading and writing in English - hence, one less language to learn.
These kids go to school and then their free time is taken up with tuition classes till late, english classes and most of them learn piano or other instrument. their time is never their own. I often wonder when they get to play. I make sure my kids get time to play, but it's still not as much as I would like them to have.
But, we'll support her in whatever way we can and just tell her to try her best. I hope she believes me when I tell her that even if she doesn't do well in her exams, she'll be OK.
I'm not crazy about the school system here, but it is what it is. But the exams really get me. To see my daughter stress because she doesn't think she knows enough is awful. I do my best to coach her, but in the end, she has to do it. And at her age, I don't think she should have to do anything of the sort. In fact, I feel for all the kids here, not just her. She's actually not that disadvantaged anymore, now that she can speak chinese. As far as reading and writing are concerned, when she started school, she was better off because she was already reading and writing in English - hence, one less language to learn.
These kids go to school and then their free time is taken up with tuition classes till late, english classes and most of them learn piano or other instrument. their time is never their own. I often wonder when they get to play. I make sure my kids get time to play, but it's still not as much as I would like them to have.
But, we'll support her in whatever way we can and just tell her to try her best. I hope she believes me when I tell her that even if she doesn't do well in her exams, she'll be OK.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
It's been a tough week
This week my mind has been on a quest of it's own it seems. My mind operates in two main modes - the rational mode and the emotional mode. This week the emotional mode barged it's way through. Triggered by thoughts of an uncertain future (ie what is going to happen down the track in our situation), all of a sudden I found myself wanting to get back with my sort of ex-husband. It was all I could think about and I actually, stupidly, went to him and told him about it. Against all my better (rational) judgement (which was lurking around in the back of my mind) I went to him and told him what I was thinking. Will I never learn?
The response was predictable - no, there's been too much hurt and hate and while that can be put aside so we can live functionally and the kids can be together, there are no guarantees that we will get back together. Arrggghh. Don't you know I've been hurt too and that if I can put that aside, why can't you - I screamed to myself inside my head. Well, it seems not. My unforgivable act of leaving him last year and going back to Australia with one of our children (ie breaking up our family), plus all the anguish and hurt I've caused him (which I initially didn't think I was doing, but have now come to realise that he did go through it) are too much. There is no chance.
A day later, after crying my eyes out for an hour or two and really letting it all out, it was like it never happened. I didn't feel anything like the day before and certainly didn't want to get back together. There were no thoughts about what the future might hold (negative or positive), no urge to reconcile and a calm acceptance of the situation. I felt normal - rational mode was back.
The last 20 years for me has been like this - up, down, up, down - an emotional rollercoaster. It's one of the features of Borderline Personality Disorder - flipping from one set of beliefs to another within the space of a day or even a few hours and while you're in one mode or the other, you honestly believe the thoughts and feelings - they ARE the reality. I found myself wanting to get off this rollercoaster about 10 months ago. So instead of ending it forever, I decided to leave (with the kids). He said no, not both kids. You can take one (boy, 5) and I'll have one (girl 7). I didn't have the strength to fight him, tired and drained as I was. I left, boy in tow and went back to Australia and lived with my parents for 4 months. Came home a month earlier than planned because girl needed me and I was strong enough to come back and face him.
Being at home was like lying down in soft comfy chair. It felt right and comfortable. I could be myself and not be criticised (what I see as criticism, he see as 'just telling me how it should be'). I could laugh and talk and say the things that were on my mind. In fact, I laughed and smiled more in those 4 months, than I had in the last 15 years. My family and friends rallied around me and supported me and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was worth something. It was an amazing feeling - I felt solid inside, instead of weak and tangled. I felt strong, which funnily enough, is something he has been wanting from me for the longest time.
As I sit here and write this and think back to that time, I know I wouldn't be here, if I didn't go back. Thank God for families. Love you mum and dad, C and M and kids, D and K, V, W and all the others.
Now I try to take each day at a time, remembering my committment to stay here with the kids and be stable and predictable. I plan. I keep data to help me remember what my moods are like and even write a journal to help me remember what I did yesterday and what money I spent. I make lists for everything so I don't forget stuff and I ignore the intense feelings that keep telling me what an awful life I have. I don't judge my sort of ex-h or anybody anymore - you do what you want, anything, I'm fine with it.
It is only in this way, that I can be stable and keep the emotional demons away and cope with what ever happens. Til next time.
The response was predictable - no, there's been too much hurt and hate and while that can be put aside so we can live functionally and the kids can be together, there are no guarantees that we will get back together. Arrggghh. Don't you know I've been hurt too and that if I can put that aside, why can't you - I screamed to myself inside my head. Well, it seems not. My unforgivable act of leaving him last year and going back to Australia with one of our children (ie breaking up our family), plus all the anguish and hurt I've caused him (which I initially didn't think I was doing, but have now come to realise that he did go through it) are too much. There is no chance.
A day later, after crying my eyes out for an hour or two and really letting it all out, it was like it never happened. I didn't feel anything like the day before and certainly didn't want to get back together. There were no thoughts about what the future might hold (negative or positive), no urge to reconcile and a calm acceptance of the situation. I felt normal - rational mode was back.
The last 20 years for me has been like this - up, down, up, down - an emotional rollercoaster. It's one of the features of Borderline Personality Disorder - flipping from one set of beliefs to another within the space of a day or even a few hours and while you're in one mode or the other, you honestly believe the thoughts and feelings - they ARE the reality. I found myself wanting to get off this rollercoaster about 10 months ago. So instead of ending it forever, I decided to leave (with the kids). He said no, not both kids. You can take one (boy, 5) and I'll have one (girl 7). I didn't have the strength to fight him, tired and drained as I was. I left, boy in tow and went back to Australia and lived with my parents for 4 months. Came home a month earlier than planned because girl needed me and I was strong enough to come back and face him.
Being at home was like lying down in soft comfy chair. It felt right and comfortable. I could be myself and not be criticised (what I see as criticism, he see as 'just telling me how it should be'). I could laugh and talk and say the things that were on my mind. In fact, I laughed and smiled more in those 4 months, than I had in the last 15 years. My family and friends rallied around me and supported me and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was worth something. It was an amazing feeling - I felt solid inside, instead of weak and tangled. I felt strong, which funnily enough, is something he has been wanting from me for the longest time.
As I sit here and write this and think back to that time, I know I wouldn't be here, if I didn't go back. Thank God for families. Love you mum and dad, C and M and kids, D and K, V, W and all the others.
Now I try to take each day at a time, remembering my committment to stay here with the kids and be stable and predictable. I plan. I keep data to help me remember what my moods are like and even write a journal to help me remember what I did yesterday and what money I spent. I make lists for everything so I don't forget stuff and I ignore the intense feelings that keep telling me what an awful life I have. I don't judge my sort of ex-h or anybody anymore - you do what you want, anything, I'm fine with it.
It is only in this way, that I can be stable and keep the emotional demons away and cope with what ever happens. Til next time.
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