Ex to me "You made it so clear that you didn't like me, that you didn't want to stay with me and those things are burned into my psyche forever."
Ugggh, I don't remember saying those things. If only.....
Saturday, July 12, 2008
so very boring and other thoughts
I'm bored. I'm calm, collected and utterly bored out of my brain. Today, after finding evidence of another squirrel in the kitchen, I set the trap in the morning and bingo, caught the little sucker by 2pm. I've cleaned the kitchen, taken the kids to the dentist and to piano lessons, read the paper, watched the news, eaten the necessary meals and well, that's about it. I don't have a million things to do like lots of other people. I'm not complaining, just saying. But that said, it does get a trifle quiet sometimes.
Yesterday was OK. I was feeling comfortable with myself, did the grocery shopping without stressing out, went for coffee and a milkshake with my son to kill some time and in the meantime ran into the parents of one of my students who then paid for my coffee, leaving me feeling quite good (what a nice gesture). Their girl is so cute, but very autistic. She's a real challenge. It's difficult to tell parents whose only wish for their daughter is to be normal, that it's going to take a long time. So far I've managed to teach her to say I want, to sit for about 5 minutes and she's just starting to say the beginning sounds of some english words. She's been coming to me for a few months now and her progress is very slow. Still, she is improving.
So we went to my mom in laws for dinner. She's a good cook and cooked us some chicken in black sauce, eggplant and other vegies in a slightly spicy very tasty sauce. Really good stuff. Then on to the inlaws so the kids could play. At 11.30, we getting ready to go home when almost ex calls. I knew he was calling us to come home and I was right. "Where are you?" "We're still here..." "You'd better come home."
He thought we'd overstayed our welcome. It's worth noting here that the kids were playing really well, sis in law and I were having what I thought was a mutually good chat about things in general and 11.30 is not particularly late here - really, on the weekend, their kids are up til 1am and they themselves are up til 3 or 4am.
Here's the thing. According to ex, I don't have very good social skills and I admit, there are times when I'm particularly clueless. On the other hand, he's very aware - sometimes too much so it's hard to relax. Where's the balance? Why does he need to decide for me what's acceptable? For god's sake, let me make my own mistakes.
I guess I'm just pissed that he felt he needed to impose his version of what's acceptable. I can't stand it. Let me fail, if that's what's going to happen. But maybe, MAYBE, I'm just competent enough to not fail.
Uggh
Yesterday was OK. I was feeling comfortable with myself, did the grocery shopping without stressing out, went for coffee and a milkshake with my son to kill some time and in the meantime ran into the parents of one of my students who then paid for my coffee, leaving me feeling quite good (what a nice gesture). Their girl is so cute, but very autistic. She's a real challenge. It's difficult to tell parents whose only wish for their daughter is to be normal, that it's going to take a long time. So far I've managed to teach her to say I want, to sit for about 5 minutes and she's just starting to say the beginning sounds of some english words. She's been coming to me for a few months now and her progress is very slow. Still, she is improving.
So we went to my mom in laws for dinner. She's a good cook and cooked us some chicken in black sauce, eggplant and other vegies in a slightly spicy very tasty sauce. Really good stuff. Then on to the inlaws so the kids could play. At 11.30, we getting ready to go home when almost ex calls. I knew he was calling us to come home and I was right. "Where are you?" "We're still here..." "You'd better come home."
He thought we'd overstayed our welcome. It's worth noting here that the kids were playing really well, sis in law and I were having what I thought was a mutually good chat about things in general and 11.30 is not particularly late here - really, on the weekend, their kids are up til 1am and they themselves are up til 3 or 4am.
Here's the thing. According to ex, I don't have very good social skills and I admit, there are times when I'm particularly clueless. On the other hand, he's very aware - sometimes too much so it's hard to relax. Where's the balance? Why does he need to decide for me what's acceptable? For god's sake, let me make my own mistakes.
I guess I'm just pissed that he felt he needed to impose his version of what's acceptable. I can't stand it. Let me fail, if that's what's going to happen. But maybe, MAYBE, I'm just competent enough to not fail.
Uggh
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I'm not saying it's not art
In the Herald Sun today there's an article relating to the publication of artistic nude photos of a girl when she was 6. She's now 11. The photos appear in Art Monthly.
Her mother took the photos, but her father wrote an essay that points out that the photos could provoke inappropriate responses and "sinful desires".
Now, I looked at the cover and didn't see anything sexual in it. But that's just me (and lot of other people I'm sure). What did bother me is what the Australian Classification Board will do. In due course, it will classify the photos.
Quote "Under the law, a publication can be classified unrestricted, category one or two restricted or "refused classification" - in which case it is banned from Australia.
If it is deemed to be in either of the two restricted categories it will only be available to people aged over 18."
If the content is deemed inappropriate (and I'm not arguing whether it should or shouldn't be), why would you want to make it available at all, especially when (and I know from personal experience), the perpetrators of child sexual abuse (which is what they are talking about but beating around the bush) are generally males over 18. They say it will need to be sold in a sealed cover - exactly like bloody porno mags are! If they do this, they are just baiting those who have the "sinful desires".
Stuff like this makes my head spin. What a sad world we live in.
Her mother took the photos, but her father wrote an essay that points out that the photos could provoke inappropriate responses and "sinful desires".
Now, I looked at the cover and didn't see anything sexual in it. But that's just me (and lot of other people I'm sure). What did bother me is what the Australian Classification Board will do. In due course, it will classify the photos.
Quote "Under the law, a publication can be classified unrestricted, category one or two restricted or "refused classification" - in which case it is banned from Australia.
If it is deemed to be in either of the two restricted categories it will only be available to people aged over 18."
If the content is deemed inappropriate (and I'm not arguing whether it should or shouldn't be), why would you want to make it available at all, especially when (and I know from personal experience), the perpetrators of child sexual abuse (which is what they are talking about but beating around the bush) are generally males over 18. They say it will need to be sold in a sealed cover - exactly like bloody porno mags are! If they do this, they are just baiting those who have the "sinful desires".
Stuff like this makes my head spin. What a sad world we live in.
I think I did good...
Of course that's a matter of opinion. Daughter was crying at bedtime today, over the homework that remained incomplete. She hates homework. She used to love it. She doesn't like school, she used to like it. Now she's afraid of the teachers, stressed out by what she thinks will happen when she does something wrong, like forgetting to complete a piece of homework. She wants to go to school in Australia.
So, fighting a very strong instinct to say, yes I agree with you, lets leave tomorrow, I talked to her about all the good things we get to do here. Things like, we're lucky to be learning another language, most people don't get that in Australia. We have our own big house here but if we lived in Australia, we'd have to live with Oma and Opa (my parents) at least for a little while because there are not many houses for rent there, we have nice friends here, some of our family is here and we get to go to nice places like Kuantan, Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. And mummy gets to help some children who don't have a school to go to because they're autistic. So we really need to stay here and while we are here, we'll enjoy ourselves, OK?
So I'm wondering, how'd I do? Did I say the right thing? I don't want her to always think about what we'd have in Australia because it makes it harder to be here - the grass is always greener on the other side. And truth is, I don't know what it would be like living there again. Living there is not the same as staying for a holiday. Living is always harder because you've got the little everyday details of life to think about - job, money, car, etc. I have to think about those things here too, but I have most of what I need at the moment, so it's not really an issue. Almost ex takes care of most things and is there to take care of the kids when I'm a mess.
Of course, I would like them to have most of their education in Australia. That's what I need to focus on - being stable so I can take them back to have the education I want to give them. Not some half baked developing-country education with archaic discipline methods. The way I am now, or have been, almost ex wouldn't have a bar of letting me take them back.
Something to spur me on in the effort to get better control over my emotions. I must do it.
So, fighting a very strong instinct to say, yes I agree with you, lets leave tomorrow, I talked to her about all the good things we get to do here. Things like, we're lucky to be learning another language, most people don't get that in Australia. We have our own big house here but if we lived in Australia, we'd have to live with Oma and Opa (my parents) at least for a little while because there are not many houses for rent there, we have nice friends here, some of our family is here and we get to go to nice places like Kuantan, Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. And mummy gets to help some children who don't have a school to go to because they're autistic. So we really need to stay here and while we are here, we'll enjoy ourselves, OK?
So I'm wondering, how'd I do? Did I say the right thing? I don't want her to always think about what we'd have in Australia because it makes it harder to be here - the grass is always greener on the other side. And truth is, I don't know what it would be like living there again. Living there is not the same as staying for a holiday. Living is always harder because you've got the little everyday details of life to think about - job, money, car, etc. I have to think about those things here too, but I have most of what I need at the moment, so it's not really an issue. Almost ex takes care of most things and is there to take care of the kids when I'm a mess.
Of course, I would like them to have most of their education in Australia. That's what I need to focus on - being stable so I can take them back to have the education I want to give them. Not some half baked developing-country education with archaic discipline methods. The way I am now, or have been, almost ex wouldn't have a bar of letting me take them back.
Something to spur me on in the effort to get better control over my emotions. I must do it.
A web site for everything
Now here's something that has never, ever crossed my mind - people, I give you beedogs.com .
Who knew there would be an entire web site devoted to this. I found it linked from another site, I wasn't sitting around thinking, hey, I wonder if there's a site devoted to bee dogs, I'll have to Google it! I know only 2 people read this blog, but we need a list of these types of sites - sites devoted to subject matters that almost no-one thinks about.
Cheers
Who knew there would be an entire web site devoted to this. I found it linked from another site, I wasn't sitting around thinking, hey, I wonder if there's a site devoted to bee dogs, I'll have to Google it! I know only 2 people read this blog, but we need a list of these types of sites - sites devoted to subject matters that almost no-one thinks about.
Cheers
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Ever downwards and slowly upwards
Days like this convince me I have borderline personality disorder. I don't know if it's true and recently read somewhere that you should never diagnose yourself. I don't need to, I've got almost ex to do that for me, though he says he's just considering the "problem" (I'm the problem). Biding my time is difficult. The Suckfulness has not yet passed. In fact, the intensity of it has gotten to the point where taking Xanax was the only sensible solution. Three xanax in two days. The hate and anger were just sitting in my gut, waiting to explode. Poor kids. Cranky mother. The xanax made the anger go away, but made me dopey and sleepy. Had to cancel my classes. Poor autistic students - an inconsistent teacher is the last thing they need. Ugggh, I loath myself. My friends don't see this side of me - I have situational competence, as I've heard it called. I can be perfectly normal in most situations, but being with almost -ex (and it's not his fault), I'm a mess. At times (not all times) he just has to look at me the wrong way and it starts.
I couldn't think straight. Loved him, hated him (with even more intensity), loved him again, wanted him back, just wanted a second chance, I've changed a lot, can't you see. I can't stand this anymore, wait, I know it will pass. Please, I need a hug, I need someone to take care of me. I can't do this alone. you're ok, you get to go out, party with friends, drink and do god knows what else until you pass out. I resent that, I'm jealous of it - you get to do whatever you want and I'm supposed to make a life for myself in this hole of a town. Classic BPD. Take xanax and it's gone.
People with BPD are convinced that whatever they are feeling is real - and it is, but it's usually 'overdone'. The feelings, for me are very physical - painful to the point where I could bang my head on something and that would be less painful. We convince ourselves that 'if only' he loved me, if only this or that, we wouldn't be experiencing this terrible pain. The thing is, we would find something else to spin out on. If he did love me, it would be something else - he ignored me, he doesn't love me enough etc. And the worst part is, that the intensity of the emotions and the desperateness are the things that drive the very people we're supposed to love, away from us. We have trouble accepting that the other person is affected by us too and it's stressful for them, because we blame them for everything. Yet we expect them to be there for us and when they are not, all our fears of being unlovable and being abandoned are realised. And it's damn painful. You can't undo damage like that.
I'm OK now, but waiting for the next episode to strike. When it does I will remember, minimise the children's exposure, take xanax and IT WILL PASS.
I couldn't think straight. Loved him, hated him (with even more intensity), loved him again, wanted him back, just wanted a second chance, I've changed a lot, can't you see. I can't stand this anymore, wait, I know it will pass. Please, I need a hug, I need someone to take care of me. I can't do this alone. you're ok, you get to go out, party with friends, drink and do god knows what else until you pass out. I resent that, I'm jealous of it - you get to do whatever you want and I'm supposed to make a life for myself in this hole of a town. Classic BPD. Take xanax and it's gone.
People with BPD are convinced that whatever they are feeling is real - and it is, but it's usually 'overdone'. The feelings, for me are very physical - painful to the point where I could bang my head on something and that would be less painful. We convince ourselves that 'if only' he loved me, if only this or that, we wouldn't be experiencing this terrible pain. The thing is, we would find something else to spin out on. If he did love me, it would be something else - he ignored me, he doesn't love me enough etc. And the worst part is, that the intensity of the emotions and the desperateness are the things that drive the very people we're supposed to love, away from us. We have trouble accepting that the other person is affected by us too and it's stressful for them, because we blame them for everything. Yet we expect them to be there for us and when they are not, all our fears of being unlovable and being abandoned are realised. And it's damn painful. You can't undo damage like that.
I'm OK now, but waiting for the next episode to strike. When it does I will remember, minimise the children's exposure, take xanax and IT WILL PASS.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
A weekend away
I knew I didn't feel like it. Going away that is (see previous post). The bad mood, black cloud, call it what you will (inc, can I use The Suckfulness?) continued on. I was ready on time, almost-ex was late. Good thing we weren't in a hurry, so I didn't really care.
We're on our way to a lovely place called Kuantan, to stay at the Hyatt hotel and the rooms were free (courtesy gift vouchers from almost ex's brother). Anway, this place had a brand new shopping mall and we were keen to see it because we hadn't been shopping in a while. But the thing about malaysia is that nothing is signed properly, so we end up going round in circles. Then almost ex thinks he sees the turn and makes a quick turn to the left and boom, we hit something. That something turned out to be a motorcyclist. Lucky the guy wasn't hurt. But after talking with the guy and calming him down, almost ex gets in the car and acts like nothing has happened and goes to drive off. No apology, explanation about what happened or what words were exchanged, nothing. And the spiral starts.
When the 'spiral' is present, I can't make a decision about the simplest of things. What to eat, what to do - it's all just very difficult. So there we were, in the shopping centre, I'm in a spiral and getting worse by the minute and I just want to go home.
Fast forward a few hours, we've checked in, had a look around and a swim and we're eating dessert when daughter says "mummy, are there any nuts in this cake". No I say, I don't think so. "Well I've got a really itchy throat". I lept into action - bugger the seething rage sitting underneath the surface of me. An itchy throat means an allergic reaction and that means swelling and vomiting, all within the next few minutes. I order almost ex to take care of the bill and race with her to the room in the hope of getting some anti-histamine into her to control the swelling. We make it, but her mouth starts to swell anyways and she's got a sore tummy, poor thing. And of course, just as almost ex has settled on the toilet, she needs to vomit. The only place to let it go is in the bathroom basin, so we try not to look at almost ex, sitting there behind us while she empties the contents of her stomach.
Upon finishing, she perkily says, Hey, I feel better! I don't think she noticed the stench building. It turned out I had to call the hotel maintenance to help clean the basin out and they brought in their big vacuum sucker thingy to empty the pipes with. I did give that man a nice tip for his work.
Taht night though, the Borderline me really kicked in. Love him, hate him, want him back, no I don't, if only he said this and this etc etc, muscles turning into molten lava in a jealous fit because he gets to go out and I don't. Uggh I hate myself.
Sunday morning was better. I took the kids out on a kayak in the morning and it was great fun. More shopping and swimming, dinner at the hotel restaurant and a beachside walk - the four of us - later. Monday morning we drove back and were in time to get daughter ready to go to school at 1pm (she goes to school from 1 - 6 pm)
Sunday night was worse. Kids are sleeping and almost ex goes out. Returns at 2am to a seething BPD and I spiral and say all the things I promise myself I would say in front of him - I hate my life, situation everything about everything blah blah blah..... Oh my god, what is wrong with me. Why am I like this and why can't I make it go away!
It passes and monday morning, though very tired, we head back and things return to normal.
Ahhh, lovely holidays. Can't wait to have one of those again.
We're on our way to a lovely place called Kuantan, to stay at the Hyatt hotel and the rooms were free (courtesy gift vouchers from almost ex's brother). Anway, this place had a brand new shopping mall and we were keen to see it because we hadn't been shopping in a while. But the thing about malaysia is that nothing is signed properly, so we end up going round in circles. Then almost ex thinks he sees the turn and makes a quick turn to the left and boom, we hit something. That something turned out to be a motorcyclist. Lucky the guy wasn't hurt. But after talking with the guy and calming him down, almost ex gets in the car and acts like nothing has happened and goes to drive off. No apology, explanation about what happened or what words were exchanged, nothing. And the spiral starts.
When the 'spiral' is present, I can't make a decision about the simplest of things. What to eat, what to do - it's all just very difficult. So there we were, in the shopping centre, I'm in a spiral and getting worse by the minute and I just want to go home.
Fast forward a few hours, we've checked in, had a look around and a swim and we're eating dessert when daughter says "mummy, are there any nuts in this cake". No I say, I don't think so. "Well I've got a really itchy throat". I lept into action - bugger the seething rage sitting underneath the surface of me. An itchy throat means an allergic reaction and that means swelling and vomiting, all within the next few minutes. I order almost ex to take care of the bill and race with her to the room in the hope of getting some anti-histamine into her to control the swelling. We make it, but her mouth starts to swell anyways and she's got a sore tummy, poor thing. And of course, just as almost ex has settled on the toilet, she needs to vomit. The only place to let it go is in the bathroom basin, so we try not to look at almost ex, sitting there behind us while she empties the contents of her stomach.
Upon finishing, she perkily says, Hey, I feel better! I don't think she noticed the stench building. It turned out I had to call the hotel maintenance to help clean the basin out and they brought in their big vacuum sucker thingy to empty the pipes with. I did give that man a nice tip for his work.
Taht night though, the Borderline me really kicked in. Love him, hate him, want him back, no I don't, if only he said this and this etc etc, muscles turning into molten lava in a jealous fit because he gets to go out and I don't. Uggh I hate myself.
Sunday morning was better. I took the kids out on a kayak in the morning and it was great fun. More shopping and swimming, dinner at the hotel restaurant and a beachside walk - the four of us - later. Monday morning we drove back and were in time to get daughter ready to go to school at 1pm (she goes to school from 1 - 6 pm)
Sunday night was worse. Kids are sleeping and almost ex goes out. Returns at 2am to a seething BPD and I spiral and say all the things I promise myself I would say in front of him - I hate my life, situation everything about everything blah blah blah..... Oh my god, what is wrong with me. Why am I like this and why can't I make it go away!
It passes and monday morning, though very tired, we head back and things return to normal.
Ahhh, lovely holidays. Can't wait to have one of those again.
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