Great things my kids have said to me

Daughter, (18 mo) I wuv mummy arm (cuddling me arm as she went to sleep)
Daughter (2) Mummy got pretty eyes
Daughter (3) That's mummy's bum (referring to a picture of me she's made with magnetic shapes)

Son (5) Mummy! I'm going to take your skeleton out and put it in the trash (when he was mad at me)

Son (6) Mummy, do you know your food goes down to your anus? (in a reasonably loud voice while we were eating lunch at a cafe)

Daughter (6) Mummy, you go if you need to go, but I'll miss you (hand on my shoulder, looking into my eyes)

Son (6) Now, I'm going to read this, I need to know what's going on (opening the newspaper and putting it beside him, while eating his breakfast in the hotel in Malacca)

Son (6) Now, do I put a vowel or a consonant (writing his first story about Tom and Jerry)

These are the things currently burned into my brain. I'm sure there are many more, they've just got to surface. Just needed to finally get these things down in print, before I forget. So precious, the things kids say.

Uh-oh

I knew it would happen and it has. I'm in full on silent spiral mode. Despicable, hateful, vengeful thoughts are taking over my mind. This is where, every time, I vow never to let myself go again. But, here it is, of it's own accord. On the surface, I am quiet and look a bit moody. Inside, I'm a raging, hateful maniac. I want to run away, take the kids and leave. Instead, I bottle it all up and try to make it go away.

Almost ex knows what's going on. And even though I told him nothing's happening, he's knows it is. He knows my face, he knows my thoughts, and I hate him for it. I hate myself for not being able to hide it. i hate myself for being like this. I always think, what's wrong with me. why can't i be like him - calm and normal. I feel so broken and ashamed.

I can't stand the sight of him, yet I know if he smiled my way or said something nice to me, I'd be ecstatic. Why, I don't know.

I hate that we can't talk. About anything at all - news, weather, us, the kids, life, his life, money, my life, friends, anything. The dominant view around here is that it's my fault, 100% my fault. If only I was this or that way, if only I had better conversation skills, if only I wasn't so dysfunctional, we'd be able to talk. Who could talk to a person like me, with so many bad thoughts going in inside.


(Don't cry... your daughter is near and she might hear you and then you have to lie to her about why you are crying. Big breath.)

But then, when we do talk, I hate it so much because it's never a real conversation. It's forced, cautious and always ends up being something about me. I can't stand it. If I say what I really feel, I'm being emotional, hurtful, cutting him off etc. There's never a point where we can share an opinion or talk about a topic without some bullshit baggage getting in the way. I don't know why I'm crying over it.

When I started this post, I was raging. Now I'm neutral. Maybe this is helping. 2 years of therapy didn't help. Anti-depressants didn't help. Talking to other people helps but then I don't want to dump this shit on them, reading about BPD helps (even though I don't really think I have it, I do have some of the signs) because it tells you how to change your thought patterns. And that's what I need - a change in thought.

It's over for the moment. Til the next storm comes. Normally I love storms, but not these types. I crave neutrality, calmness and happiness, but for better or worse, life is always much more than that.

Here we go again...

I can feel it...feelings of contempt rising in me like a poison. Scathing replies run rampant in my head, snapping at the kids, not wanting to do anything for almost-ex, not wanting to talk to him about anything... it's all there. I have to be soooo careful that I don't spiral into a black mood. I've managed 20 days without a vicious spiral into the world where all I want to do is run away. According to my mood charts, this is one of my better stretches.

I note my mood everyday and give it a colour on a calender in the front of my diary.
Blue - going along nicely, smiling, getting things done, feeling neutral towards almost-ex and even doing some nice things for him - coffee etc.
Green - still ok, but I know there's a slight undercurrent of tension, sarcastic comments going around in my head. Still getting things done and on the surface, everything is OK.
Pink - Comments getting louder in my head. I withdraw and want to sleep alot, sometimes will bring up contentious issues with almost ex, probably just to pick a fight. I can go from pink to black in .1 of a second.
Black - positively seething, crying desparately for him to listen, the need to be right is overwhelming (things like - no I didn't say that, I said this and I didn't mean that, arrrghgh!) Last time I was like this, I took half a xanax (anti-anxiety medication) and almost -ex took the kids out for dinner. The xanax worked and calmed me down.


The only way I've been able to stop going into the black is if I don't think about or analyze things. There's a price to pay - I don't have an opinion, about anything. I just say Yes ex, no ex and agree with everything almost ex says. I basically keep all opinions to myself. He even said as much - we're not in a position now to have opposing opinions and be able to express them. He's allowed to express whatever about anything, but I'm not. I've resigned myself to the fact that things are not going to change in that respect, but it's OK. I'd rather share my thoughts with people who can stand to listen.

Things in my mind are changing again. When I got back, I was convinced that everything was my fault and that I had the strength to change and when I did change, things would get better. I changed, alot. But by then, it was too late. Too much water under the bridge so to speak.

Now I'm biding my time. I'm waiting til the time comes for the kids to prepare and start their secondary education. Til then, I'm going to do everything 'right' - keep house, teach, exercise, cook most nights, care for the kids, take them on holidays and above all, stay calm. That way, when I present the case for educating the kids in Australia, he'll be hard pressed to say no. He won't be able to say "I don't think so, you're not stable" or "you're not a good mum" etc etc. And then, I will relocate and get on with my life and the kids. That's the plan anyway.

Will write more later

Another day out....you've just got to Live

Well, another day out for me... you'd think I was on holidays! My 2 friends (Kim and her husband, Wilson) had to go to Kualu Lumpur (capital city of Malaysia) for some business thing and asked me if I'd like to join them. Absolutley, I said, because I knew they'd go shopping too.

We motored out at around 10-ish and stopped in a very small town called Buloh Kasap (see first photo) for something to eat. Just a small, corner open-air stall that's been there forever, and looks like it. Rundown, creaking tables and chairs, not the cleanest floor, locals stopping in to eat - not the kind of place tourists visit.


However, the noodles were very nice and the people friendly and very curious about me, because I don't think an orang putih (white person) has stopped to eat there before. 2 bowls of noodles, 2 nasi lemak (coconut rice with sambal wrapped in banana leaf, a malaysian speciality), 3 drinks and the whole thing cost less than 10 Ringgit (about 3- 4 Aussie dollars).




After that, we were off. It's a 3 hour drive to KL, so we settled in to drive and chat. I love these drives because we normally end up talking about all manner of things (you know how women love to do this). Wilson just quietly does the driving, pretending not to listen, but listening (intently) all the same.

So, there we were, three buddies, driving along the long and winding road that leads, to (Beatles flashback) ....KL, chatting and laughing, until the noodles decided to make their presence known. Luckily for me, I have amazing control over this particular reflex and can detect an upcoming chunder way before it actually happens. So Kim suggested I drive and Wilson, being the gentleman that he is, let me and the chunders disappeared. Of course, I'm sure he just didn't want me throwing up over the newly upholstered seats.

We went to the newest shopping mall called the Pavillion. It's a very upmarket kind of place and not normally the kind of place I'd frequent because I don't have a spare RM 10,000 to spend on a watch or a handbag - I'm a Target kind of gal!!

The contrast of this place to where we'd eaten breakfast that morning is striking!!


Anyway, window shopping aside, the food there is good. The highlight of the day was when Wilson disappeared, only to be tracked down by mobile phone (how did we go shopping with friends before mobiles came along) and found sitting in a steakhouse waiting for a meal. (Why didn't he just phone us and tell us where he was - that's a whole other other blog entry)

So we joined him, perused the menu and I noticed the steak (this guy LOVES beef), was rather expensive. So I ordered the pasta to share with Kim, while he ate his steak. Then he casually pointed out which steak he'd ordered - it was the RM200 Japanese waygu beef, supposedly THE most tender beef in the world. A casual lunch for RM200 (about AUD 70)!!!

Now, even though these guys earn a decent living, they are not really wealthy by anyones imagination, so to spend that much on a single meal was rather extravagant. He only redeemed himself by sharing with us (Kim was still put out because he didn't tell her where he was going). Kim and I got a few little morsels each and it WAS the best steak I'd ever had. So soft and juicy , and it tasted divine! We were so enraptured by this little piece of cooked cow on his plate, we forgot to take a damn photo. Oh, and the pasta was OK, the fettucine sauce a little thick!

The rest of the day was consumed with eating more food (you've got to taste what's good) and window shopping (these guys can really eat, especially Wilson, yet he's not overweight at all, though I'd hate to know his cholesterol level) and then finally heading home.

As it was getting on to 8.30 pm we still stopped to eat dinner on the way out (I told you they could eat) and I asked Wilson, how do you make a decision to eat 200 ringgit steak on the spur of the moment and his answer... you've just got to live!!

And you do...so I'm going to put away 200 ringgit and I told Wilson if he ever gets that particular urge to live again, he should call me and we'll both do it!!!

Malacca for a day

Well, almost ex decided to go away for a weekend, leaving me and the kids to our own devices. Good really, my mind space clears alot when he's not here, though he would never understand why. I had the car and know my way to Malacca, so I decided to take the kids there for a spot of fun and shopping.

It's about an hour and a half driving and it's not a difficult drive but you have to be careful because the drivers here can be positively suicidal when it comes to overtaking. So slow and steady it was and we MADE it. Feeling a bit wild (for me anyway :), I also booked us into a 5 star hotel - The Equatorial - so we could stay the night and not have to rush home.

Have fun we did. Malacca is a bustling, historical town with Dutch (that's me) and Portugese influences. Lots of small one-way streets filled with everything and anything, markets, restaurants and shopping malls to empty your bank account on, it's a tourist haven.

So we arrived, checked ourselves in and proceeded to our room on the 13th floor. Now, for the kids, staying in the hotel is IT. That's what they want to do. They had a warm bubbly bath (we don't have a bath at home) and were content to sit and colour in their new colouring books, occasionally checking out the fridge for things they weren't allowed to have (who's going to pay RM7.50 for a coke - not me). And while mummy flaked it on the king size bed, they played games with the pretend pets they currently have - Tom and Jerry, Nibbles, Spike and Tike from the Tom and Jerry cartoon show.

We had pasta for dinner - fettucine carbonara and lasagne. You might be wondering why we didn't indulge in the local food... it's because we live here. We don't get a chance to eat good pasta very often, so when it's there, we indulge. Garlic bread, perfectly cooked, fresh fettucine, lovely lasagne, the rain drizzling down gently as we ate in the outdoor section of the hotel's casual restaurant, laughing at silly jokes and watching the people go by, taking our time. A perfect dinner with my two gorgeous ones.

Try as I might to get them to want to come shopping with me, they didn't want to. The hotel was right next to two big shopping malls - so close yet so far - and I thought, OK, it's their trip too, so back to the room we went for a shower and more playtime and TV (turns out watching TV in bed was THE coolest thing we did, according to my daughter (7).

Next morning we went swimming in the lovely pool - Malaysia is great for that, you can swim anytime of year - and had ourselves a nice cereal and fruit breakfast which we'd bought from the supermarket on the way.

Best thing of all, I put it on my Australian credit card and the whole thing - dinner and accommodation - cost me about $120 dollars. Fantastic value people.

We'll do it again, soon!!

So...what's new

Nothing really, going along smoothly, waiting for the next mood. I'm actually grateful when I can get along just normally. We eat well (though I'm not a fine cook like some people I know, Melba) and the house is clean. Haven't been blogging much though and I keep thinking, I must blog my teaching sessions.

I have a very cute little girl who comes to me for 2 hours a week. Though not diagnosed, she's definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum disorder, more likely towards the severe end. She's been coming to me for about a month (5 sessions). When I first met her, I saw a little girl completely entrenched in her own world. She would acknowledge her father, but any other adult is like a piece of furniture to her - that is, something to be used as a means to an end.

She doesn't communicate, make eye contact, or sit still for any significant length of time. My job is to find something that she will want to communicate about and then set up the situation so that she has to say or sign something for her to get it. I usually start by using chocolate to get their attention, because most kids like chocolate and are very motivated to get at it. Hence, they end up looking, saying or signing "I want..." to get it.

Well, this little girl is hyperactive, so chocolate's a no go. After a few sessions, I found she enjoyed playing the marble track - a track set the kids have built up where they put there marbles in at the top and watch them go down along all sorts of different tracks. One marble going down gets this girls attention - 10 marbles send her off in a flapping frenzy!! Bingo, now she will say "Yow yow" an aproximation of "wo yau" which is Mandarin for I want.

She's made progress which is wonderful, given that I wasn't really sure what to do with her in the first place. Her dad, who adores her, has high hopes, but will try anything to bring his little girl out of her world. I hope I can help her.

An older boy I'm working with, whom I worked with last year but didn't make much progress, is now responding more positively to giving me the correct photo of what he wants. He still gets confused, but he's getting there. There's so many things to teach him, like following instructions, calming himself when he laughs too much, letting his mum know when he's not feeling well and basically to stop flapping, long enough to learn these things.

I have my work cut out for me, even if it's only for the few kids I'm working with. Sometimes I am glad I'm here.

Cheers

meltdown - rambling thoughts in BPD mode

why can't you do what I want you to do
just once, listen to the real me
the crying is frustration
years on end, not being able to speak my mind
it's hell, being stuffed into a round hole
when you're positively square

I can't take it, I want to rage
to throw you, hurt you and hate you
but wait... we had kids together
in the next room
can they hear how crazy their mother is

oh my god, you're going to take them away
aren't you....AREN'T YOU
you think you know everything...
and I know nothing....

these thoughts get me nowhere
put them aside til the kids get older
then leave... and you don't have to tolerate me anymore
I'll be someone else's burden
Someone elses mistake

and you can live your life the way you meant it to be.
without me