This morning, I heard the postman come. No big deal. Later I was checking email and browsing Oprah.com and saw next months edition being advertised. It's headline was "Stronger than you know". Great, I thought, I'm stronger than I know/ feel, I can't wait to read the article. And then I got this strange pulling sensation in my head and that magazine cover was telling me that it was in my letterbox, because I needed to read it.
No, I thought, I wonder if it is... wouldn't it be great if it was and my Oprah magazine came today, just when I wanted to really read that article, I said to myself.
Go on, go and look, I'll bet it is... and then I knew it was here. So I went to the letter box and there it was waiting for me. The power of the universe really is true.
Now to go read and enjoy the thunderstorm that's about to hit. The weather here is gloriously wet at the moment. It's raining most days, the haze has cleared and the sun shines in the morning.
A little list:
Listening to: California Radio, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen.
Eating: brownies
Drinking: coffee and cold lime juice (not together)
Doing: Lots of house work, blogging and reading
Avoiding: Kids on new rollerblades
Reading: The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle and Oprah magazine
Feeling: Oh so tired, but settled.
Going: Nowhere - not with this flu and haze around. We're staying put for the moment and saving our money.
Here comes the storm. Got to unplug now. Bye.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Sunday, behind closed doors. Beware, contains high stress levels.
The day started off really badly. The kids were being like kids are apt to be - annoying, rebellious, and refusing to eat anything on offer, wanting instead other things that they weren't willing to tell me about (because they knew I'd say no).
Soooo.... I lost it. When my daughter opened the fridge mumbling under her breath, I got so angry I pulled her away by her arm and told her to go to her room and then realised I was over-reacting. I let her go and she and her brother went to their room and I went to mine. The anger I felt was in no way justified. Of course I felt awful, guilty and absolutely horrible. I'm definitely not a great role model for controlling my anger, the fact of which often comes up as a bone of contention between me and my daughter (I'm allowed to shout, why isn't she). The last time I pulled her like this, I ended up going on anti-depressants. Not this time though. I know they won't really help and it's not the solution. Mindfulness and presence in the Now are the solutions to this situation - they are just more difficult to achieve.
I was calming down on my bed when heard a soft knock at the door. I knew it was her coming to apologise, but I wasn't ready to face them. So angry, but not at them. At myself, mostly for letting myself get trapped into this situation and for not being able to control myself. Because it's not them, it's never them that are the cause of my anger. They just trigger it. It's not their fault. A little later, I went and got them and we sat, huddled on my bed wiping up tears, crying some more and using up yet more tissues. They do love their mummy so much, I can feel that coming from them. They were also upset that I was upset and my daughter, being mature beyond her years did her best to tell me to let it go, it's going to be OK and that this will pass and we'll be alright.
My daughter was also upset because my son had voiced his anger at me with particularly harsh words saying under his breath that "someday I'm going to kill mummy". Now I know as much as any parent that this is just anger coming to the surface and that we shouldn't take any notice, but... that doesn't stop if from being shocking and hurtful. On the bed, he said he wanted to leave so I told him that I understand why and that we should go pack his bags so that he can leave today. The look on my daughter's face was one of complete horror until I silently told her not to worry, I knew what I was doing. I wanted to make him cry, to get his emotion out because until then, he'd been quiet, only glaring at me through squinted eyes. It worked when he realised that he didn't really want to go and the tears came spilling out. And so to the hugs and tissues again. We sat there for 20 minutes, talking it out and then, because we were all hungry, had a picnic of cheese and crackers and chocolate milk on the floor of my room.
The rest of the day played out well enough. My sister in law came with two of her kids for a rare visit which was really pleasant. Her oldest (14) who's being an absolute pain to her parents because she hates school and won't stay there, enjoyed playing with our Playdough set, of all things. Mind you, our Playdough set is really good - we have the pasta extruder with all the little molds to make vegetables and condiments, and we have the ice-cream maker which is just a wizz at turning out playdough sundaes and icecreams. I've always loved Playdough as a toy for kids and the equipment you get with it is of a far better quality than what it used to be.
Later this evening, ex got up in time to go get us some dinner, which was a real change. I'd spoken to him earlier saying I'd cook noodles for lunch and I don't know what for dinner and he said never mind, we'll ta-pau (tar-pow, in chinese is take-away). So I sort of brushed it aside, thinking I'll probably end up doing it anyway, as I do most times. But right on 6.00 he came out of his room dressed and ready to go get dinner. Just 30 minutes before that, he'd been fast asleep.
Afterwards, I made sure that something good should be followed with something better and made brownies with the kids before putting them to bed (after having the said brownies for supper).
By bedtime, the kids had forgotten about the morning incident and were laughing and happy. Lovely, lovely kids who are excited about this weeks up-coming birthdays (daughter's tomorrow and son's on Friday) and who don't mind telling their grateful mother that she smells like 'stunk'!
Now to go shower and brush teeth!!!
'Night
Soooo.... I lost it. When my daughter opened the fridge mumbling under her breath, I got so angry I pulled her away by her arm and told her to go to her room and then realised I was over-reacting. I let her go and she and her brother went to their room and I went to mine. The anger I felt was in no way justified. Of course I felt awful, guilty and absolutely horrible. I'm definitely not a great role model for controlling my anger, the fact of which often comes up as a bone of contention between me and my daughter (I'm allowed to shout, why isn't she). The last time I pulled her like this, I ended up going on anti-depressants. Not this time though. I know they won't really help and it's not the solution. Mindfulness and presence in the Now are the solutions to this situation - they are just more difficult to achieve.
I was calming down on my bed when heard a soft knock at the door. I knew it was her coming to apologise, but I wasn't ready to face them. So angry, but not at them. At myself, mostly for letting myself get trapped into this situation and for not being able to control myself. Because it's not them, it's never them that are the cause of my anger. They just trigger it. It's not their fault. A little later, I went and got them and we sat, huddled on my bed wiping up tears, crying some more and using up yet more tissues. They do love their mummy so much, I can feel that coming from them. They were also upset that I was upset and my daughter, being mature beyond her years did her best to tell me to let it go, it's going to be OK and that this will pass and we'll be alright.
My daughter was also upset because my son had voiced his anger at me with particularly harsh words saying under his breath that "someday I'm going to kill mummy". Now I know as much as any parent that this is just anger coming to the surface and that we shouldn't take any notice, but... that doesn't stop if from being shocking and hurtful. On the bed, he said he wanted to leave so I told him that I understand why and that we should go pack his bags so that he can leave today. The look on my daughter's face was one of complete horror until I silently told her not to worry, I knew what I was doing. I wanted to make him cry, to get his emotion out because until then, he'd been quiet, only glaring at me through squinted eyes. It worked when he realised that he didn't really want to go and the tears came spilling out. And so to the hugs and tissues again. We sat there for 20 minutes, talking it out and then, because we were all hungry, had a picnic of cheese and crackers and chocolate milk on the floor of my room.
The rest of the day played out well enough. My sister in law came with two of her kids for a rare visit which was really pleasant. Her oldest (14) who's being an absolute pain to her parents because she hates school and won't stay there, enjoyed playing with our Playdough set, of all things. Mind you, our Playdough set is really good - we have the pasta extruder with all the little molds to make vegetables and condiments, and we have the ice-cream maker which is just a wizz at turning out playdough sundaes and icecreams. I've always loved Playdough as a toy for kids and the equipment you get with it is of a far better quality than what it used to be.
Later this evening, ex got up in time to go get us some dinner, which was a real change. I'd spoken to him earlier saying I'd cook noodles for lunch and I don't know what for dinner and he said never mind, we'll ta-pau (tar-pow, in chinese is take-away). So I sort of brushed it aside, thinking I'll probably end up doing it anyway, as I do most times. But right on 6.00 he came out of his room dressed and ready to go get dinner. Just 30 minutes before that, he'd been fast asleep.
Afterwards, I made sure that something good should be followed with something better and made brownies with the kids before putting them to bed (after having the said brownies for supper).
By bedtime, the kids had forgotten about the morning incident and were laughing and happy. Lovely, lovely kids who are excited about this weeks up-coming birthdays (daughter's tomorrow and son's on Friday) and who don't mind telling their grateful mother that she smells like 'stunk'!
Now to go shower and brush teeth!!!
'Night
Saturday, August 15, 2009
What's for dinner Mum?
It's the inevitable question I (and any other parent who cooks) gets each night, the response being greeted with squeals of glee or groans of misery.
Tonight as my friends and family are enjoying a night out to celebrate my first niece's 21st birthday, we are eating this.
Stir fried Kang kong, a green spinach-like vegetable that is picked from the garden, washed with stems trimmed. Chop some garlic and wash and chop small dried prawns (which just stink, but add a nice tasty flavour to the dish.) Heat some oil and stir fry the garlic and prawns till fragrant. Add the kang kong and watch it cook down. For a family, I do a good colander full because it cooks down to almost nothing. If I make a mistake with the quantity on this one, I miss out on a very nutritious vegetable.
Pause in blog entry to serve above mentioned dinner before kids on new birthday rollerblades starve to death.
Well, they didn't starve and they liked the chicken, which I'd first cut, deskinned and cleaned (I use leg thigh pieces) and then seasoned with 5 spice salt (chinese 5 spice and salt put together). I baked this for 30 minutes on one side and 10 on the other to brown, in my very small oven. We also had 'healthy stir fry veggies'. Heat some water in a wok, add a tablespoon or two of concentrated chicken stock and some cut garlic cloves and throw in the vegies - choose from broc, cauliflower, carrots, beans etc. 3 colours makes it look good. Don't overcook.Towards the end of it being cooked add in some cornstarch (mixed with water first) and stir. Serve with rice. Hmmm, not bad.
Of course, I'd rather be eating at the pub with my folks and friends and my niece. Samantha was the first grandchild, the daughter of my younger sister. A side note to Melba - remember when she was just a baby and we had her come and visit the kids?
I didn't see much of her when she was growing up, but now I see she's grown up into a vibrant, sensible, productive woman, with her own car, job and a place to live. I'm really proud of you darling heart, and I hope life brings you all you hope for. Happy 21st.
Tonight as my friends and family are enjoying a night out to celebrate my first niece's 21st birthday, we are eating this.
Stir fried Kang kong, a green spinach-like vegetable that is picked from the garden, washed with stems trimmed. Chop some garlic and wash and chop small dried prawns (which just stink, but add a nice tasty flavour to the dish.) Heat some oil and stir fry the garlic and prawns till fragrant. Add the kang kong and watch it cook down. For a family, I do a good colander full because it cooks down to almost nothing. If I make a mistake with the quantity on this one, I miss out on a very nutritious vegetable.
Pause in blog entry to serve above mentioned dinner before kids on new birthday rollerblades starve to death.
Well, they didn't starve and they liked the chicken, which I'd first cut, deskinned and cleaned (I use leg thigh pieces) and then seasoned with 5 spice salt (chinese 5 spice and salt put together). I baked this for 30 minutes on one side and 10 on the other to brown, in my very small oven. We also had 'healthy stir fry veggies'. Heat some water in a wok, add a tablespoon or two of concentrated chicken stock and some cut garlic cloves and throw in the vegies - choose from broc, cauliflower, carrots, beans etc. 3 colours makes it look good. Don't overcook.Towards the end of it being cooked add in some cornstarch (mixed with water first) and stir. Serve with rice. Hmmm, not bad.
Of course, I'd rather be eating at the pub with my folks and friends and my niece. Samantha was the first grandchild, the daughter of my younger sister. A side note to Melba - remember when she was just a baby and we had her come and visit the kids?
I didn't see much of her when she was growing up, but now I see she's grown up into a vibrant, sensible, productive woman, with her own car, job and a place to live. I'm really proud of you darling heart, and I hope life brings you all you hope for. Happy 21st.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
No More History for the moment but it's still a whinge.
I'm writing this because I want my thoughts recorded as something to go back to because I forget and muddle up so many things.
Ex is out and I've been watching Suze Orman, finance woman on Oprah. Maybe I shouldn't have watched it. I wasn't in a great mood to start with, having gone off at my son this morning and even threatening to smack him, as it seems to be the only thing he will listen to, hence the good behaviour at school.
Contributing to my (mild) stress is that my girl went to school today after staying home for a day yesterday. She has a residual cough from a cold she had last week and her teachers are telling her to wear a face mask to school because she's still coughing, so I kept her home to see if she'd improve by staying inside. She did, but she can't stay home indefinitely. With the haze being around (not as thick as on the weekend) and H1N1 here in Segamat, I actually don't want her attending school at all - it makes her cough worse and she's more vulnerable to catching something. Of course I'm probably over-reacting but she's had (mild) pneumonia before and so I'm concerned that if she's not 100% healthy and then catches THAT flu, she won't fare well. But today, because she does need to go to school, I've sent her, with the one face mask I have and telling her to wash her hands frequently. On a side note, you can't buy face masks here anymore, the entire Segamat stock sold out before I was even aware that we might need it.
She was talking about things that we need to do to make sure we are stable and financially fit and that we can pay for the things we think we need. It got me mad-ish that ex continues to work from home and not make that much. He's had me out of his business life for quite a while now (I was part of the cause of him not being able to succeed before) and he's still working from home but I don't know where it's leading. I'm not sure even he knows. I want him to succeed but I also wish he'd see the reality and see how much he needs to go and get a steady job that provides a steady income - because a steady income is what he needs - according to me anyway. It wouldn't be easy, I know, for him to do this, but I'm sure he could. He's intelligent and diligent and a quick learner and has maturity and experience on his side. Oh well, I guess it's none of my business. I do hope that whatever he is working on, succeeds for him. Really I do.
So that's it for today. I'm glad I'm 'helping' my students, because they are helping me live. Thank the universe for just that. Be grateful. I could be worse.
Cheers and smile everyone.
Ex is out and I've been watching Suze Orman, finance woman on Oprah. Maybe I shouldn't have watched it. I wasn't in a great mood to start with, having gone off at my son this morning and even threatening to smack him, as it seems to be the only thing he will listen to, hence the good behaviour at school.
Contributing to my (mild) stress is that my girl went to school today after staying home for a day yesterday. She has a residual cough from a cold she had last week and her teachers are telling her to wear a face mask to school because she's still coughing, so I kept her home to see if she'd improve by staying inside. She did, but she can't stay home indefinitely. With the haze being around (not as thick as on the weekend) and H1N1 here in Segamat, I actually don't want her attending school at all - it makes her cough worse and she's more vulnerable to catching something. Of course I'm probably over-reacting but she's had (mild) pneumonia before and so I'm concerned that if she's not 100% healthy and then catches THAT flu, she won't fare well. But today, because she does need to go to school, I've sent her, with the one face mask I have and telling her to wash her hands frequently. On a side note, you can't buy face masks here anymore, the entire Segamat stock sold out before I was even aware that we might need it.
She was talking about things that we need to do to make sure we are stable and financially fit and that we can pay for the things we think we need. It got me mad-ish that ex continues to work from home and not make that much. He's had me out of his business life for quite a while now (I was part of the cause of him not being able to succeed before) and he's still working from home but I don't know where it's leading. I'm not sure even he knows. I want him to succeed but I also wish he'd see the reality and see how much he needs to go and get a steady job that provides a steady income - because a steady income is what he needs - according to me anyway. It wouldn't be easy, I know, for him to do this, but I'm sure he could. He's intelligent and diligent and a quick learner and has maturity and experience on his side. Oh well, I guess it's none of my business. I do hope that whatever he is working on, succeeds for him. Really I do.
So that's it for today. I'm glad I'm 'helping' my students, because they are helping me live. Thank the universe for just that. Be grateful. I could be worse.
Cheers and smile everyone.
Monday, August 10, 2009
A bit of history
in another lifetime, we lived in a nice house, in a leafy eastern suburb. We drove a great car and had another little one to get around town in. We had nice neighbors and good friends. We had a company that developed software for children with disabilities and together with the contracting work that ex was doing we seemed to be doing quite well. On the outside we looked happy and I guess I thought we were.
We'd been living our nice life for a few years when a few different factors meant that ex stopped his contracting work. The special education software was supposed to support us, but combined with my pretty bad marketing skills and that fact that the market was quite small meant that it didn't. We began to run out of money pretty soon after and by then we'd gotten married and had our first baby, our gorgeous girl. I still thought our life was OK, except for those bad times when we had to talk about me and how dysfunctional I was. I fought back, resisted, stated my case, cried about it and pretty much melted down a hundred times more than I do now, only I thought it was normal. I went to therapy (again) when I couldn't fix myself. I kept thinking, if only I could be like this, or this or fix that, we'd be OK. I had hope then.
When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic and miserable all in the same moment because the doctor had rung me with the news while we were in the middle of a fight! It was the moment I'd been waiting for all my life and I had to let it pass me by because we'd had a fight. Four months later, I was sitting at my desk and ex and I were talking when I felt the baby move. I was elated beyond belief. Finally, she was real. I looked at my stomach and told ex and he got annoyed because I'd interrupted what he was saying. I let it go, again, but very saddened that for even this news, he didn't appreciate being interrupted. I guess I'd done it too often.
When I look back now, I know I didn't feel very supported by him then. He didn't fawn over me, or tell me he loved my baby bump. When I was upset that I'd gotten stretch marks, he said "so?" We played golf when I was 5 months pregnant and I had to stop at 15 or 16 holes and I remember APOLOGISING to him later on, saying sorry, I should have known my limits - how could I have known my limits, it was my first baby. Even with our second baby I remember trying to impress/ please him by doing physical things that I probably shouldn't have done, like climbing the steps at the local walking track and pulling up the pram behind me.
I thought that when we had a baby, he would see what strong person I was, that he would be impressed by my mothering ability and the way I tried to take care of myself and he wouldn't need to criticise me anymore. It didn't work that way, all he did was find more things to criticise me about. I remember later on my sister telling me that in the delivery room, if ex could have gotten up on that bench and had the baby himself, he would have. She was there that day and I always remember the absolute moment that she walked in. She talked to me, said it was going to be fine, that I was nearly there - it was a messy affair. Her moment then outshone any support that ex gave me. I've always been grateful for that moment. I wish I could have been as aware then, as I am now, for I would have thanked her endlessly and told her what a difference she made to me that day.
Though ex and I weren't really connected then, he began his fathering life in fine style. He got up, changed nappies and did the things I couldn't do - I couldn't really walk around for the first week, traumatic as the delivery was. He loved his daughter and told us we were cute when we came home. I loved him and us and our new baby - a pretty mix of chinese and caucasian. So happy then, still blinded to the signs that the inevitable would happen.
She was almost two when we decided to sell up and pay off all the debts we'd accumulated. We moved to Portsea, to start afresh. I was pregnant again - with a boy this time. I worried about my morning/travel sickness and he was worried about my weight. The first time I'd put on 9 kgs and lost 13. The second time I put on 15 kgs and only lost nine or ten. I was officially fat and my stomach now sat on my lap whenever I sat down. Much to my dismay, it still does, even though I'm a few kilos lighter.
I loved living in Portsea. For the first year and a half, we lived off the money we made from selling the house. Ex was writing a technical program that had gone way over time and we were still developing and selling the special ed software. I'd made good friends, taken up Pilates and was very much into life there. The surroundings were beautiful, the food was spectacular and life was good. And of course, I still had hope, even though we still fought, I though we were normal and doing Ok personally.
However, eventually the money ran out and we survived on occasional royalties from the software that ex had finally finished writing and our numerous credit cards. That software was going to be our financial security, the one that would enable us to live out our dreams of owning a house on the Peninsula and freeing us up to travel. But even though the program was good, the royalties didn't come as frequently as promised. I became an expert at moving money around, from one card to another to minimise the interest payments. I became increasingly worried about how much debt we were getting into while we were still living in (upmarket) Portsea and driving a rather nice car. Ex didn't seem worried at all. By the end of three years, we were staring at $50,000 of credit card debt in the face.
And then the power of the universe stepped in. During the last year in Porstea, ex had been working on our own website, making it an affiliate site for a large online store. In the last 3 months of 05, the search algorithm in Google favoured our web site so that if you searched for anything that this store sold, we'd come up in the top ten listing. It was a virtual goldmine, sending us money right before our very eyes. Every night we'd log in to our account and see what things were sold and literally watch our account grow. At the peak of it, we were making an astounding US$1800 a day.
Things looked good. They were finally going our way. In 3 months, we earned a staggering US35,000, enough to pay off the debt and set us up for yet another 'fresh start'.
This time, we'd decided to move to Malaysia, to soak up the culture, to live cheaply and to get to know ex's family. I stupidly agreed, thinking it was what we needed to get our relationship back on track.
Can you guess what happened? I think so. But I will write about it in the next post, so stay tuned.
Night, it's 1am.
We'd been living our nice life for a few years when a few different factors meant that ex stopped his contracting work. The special education software was supposed to support us, but combined with my pretty bad marketing skills and that fact that the market was quite small meant that it didn't. We began to run out of money pretty soon after and by then we'd gotten married and had our first baby, our gorgeous girl. I still thought our life was OK, except for those bad times when we had to talk about me and how dysfunctional I was. I fought back, resisted, stated my case, cried about it and pretty much melted down a hundred times more than I do now, only I thought it was normal. I went to therapy (again) when I couldn't fix myself. I kept thinking, if only I could be like this, or this or fix that, we'd be OK. I had hope then.
When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic and miserable all in the same moment because the doctor had rung me with the news while we were in the middle of a fight! It was the moment I'd been waiting for all my life and I had to let it pass me by because we'd had a fight. Four months later, I was sitting at my desk and ex and I were talking when I felt the baby move. I was elated beyond belief. Finally, she was real. I looked at my stomach and told ex and he got annoyed because I'd interrupted what he was saying. I let it go, again, but very saddened that for even this news, he didn't appreciate being interrupted. I guess I'd done it too often.
When I look back now, I know I didn't feel very supported by him then. He didn't fawn over me, or tell me he loved my baby bump. When I was upset that I'd gotten stretch marks, he said "so?" We played golf when I was 5 months pregnant and I had to stop at 15 or 16 holes and I remember APOLOGISING to him later on, saying sorry, I should have known my limits - how could I have known my limits, it was my first baby. Even with our second baby I remember trying to impress/ please him by doing physical things that I probably shouldn't have done, like climbing the steps at the local walking track and pulling up the pram behind me.
I thought that when we had a baby, he would see what strong person I was, that he would be impressed by my mothering ability and the way I tried to take care of myself and he wouldn't need to criticise me anymore. It didn't work that way, all he did was find more things to criticise me about. I remember later on my sister telling me that in the delivery room, if ex could have gotten up on that bench and had the baby himself, he would have. She was there that day and I always remember the absolute moment that she walked in. She talked to me, said it was going to be fine, that I was nearly there - it was a messy affair. Her moment then outshone any support that ex gave me. I've always been grateful for that moment. I wish I could have been as aware then, as I am now, for I would have thanked her endlessly and told her what a difference she made to me that day.
Though ex and I weren't really connected then, he began his fathering life in fine style. He got up, changed nappies and did the things I couldn't do - I couldn't really walk around for the first week, traumatic as the delivery was. He loved his daughter and told us we were cute when we came home. I loved him and us and our new baby - a pretty mix of chinese and caucasian. So happy then, still blinded to the signs that the inevitable would happen.
She was almost two when we decided to sell up and pay off all the debts we'd accumulated. We moved to Portsea, to start afresh. I was pregnant again - with a boy this time. I worried about my morning/travel sickness and he was worried about my weight. The first time I'd put on 9 kgs and lost 13. The second time I put on 15 kgs and only lost nine or ten. I was officially fat and my stomach now sat on my lap whenever I sat down. Much to my dismay, it still does, even though I'm a few kilos lighter.
I loved living in Portsea. For the first year and a half, we lived off the money we made from selling the house. Ex was writing a technical program that had gone way over time and we were still developing and selling the special ed software. I'd made good friends, taken up Pilates and was very much into life there. The surroundings were beautiful, the food was spectacular and life was good. And of course, I still had hope, even though we still fought, I though we were normal and doing Ok personally.
However, eventually the money ran out and we survived on occasional royalties from the software that ex had finally finished writing and our numerous credit cards. That software was going to be our financial security, the one that would enable us to live out our dreams of owning a house on the Peninsula and freeing us up to travel. But even though the program was good, the royalties didn't come as frequently as promised. I became an expert at moving money around, from one card to another to minimise the interest payments. I became increasingly worried about how much debt we were getting into while we were still living in (upmarket) Portsea and driving a rather nice car. Ex didn't seem worried at all. By the end of three years, we were staring at $50,000 of credit card debt in the face.
And then the power of the universe stepped in. During the last year in Porstea, ex had been working on our own website, making it an affiliate site for a large online store. In the last 3 months of 05, the search algorithm in Google favoured our web site so that if you searched for anything that this store sold, we'd come up in the top ten listing. It was a virtual goldmine, sending us money right before our very eyes. Every night we'd log in to our account and see what things were sold and literally watch our account grow. At the peak of it, we were making an astounding US$1800 a day.
Things looked good. They were finally going our way. In 3 months, we earned a staggering US35,000, enough to pay off the debt and set us up for yet another 'fresh start'.
This time, we'd decided to move to Malaysia, to soak up the culture, to live cheaply and to get to know ex's family. I stupidly agreed, thinking it was what we needed to get our relationship back on track.
Can you guess what happened? I think so. But I will write about it in the next post, so stay tuned.
Night, it's 1am.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I'm back
I'm Ok, but still unsettled. The xanax did it's little trick though in the end I had to go to bed and sleep and ask ex to pick up the kids and take them to dinner. He did. No fuss.
Things are annoying me and I'm hating living here. The mosquitoes, the inconsiderate drivers, the way they park their cars, the people that stare at me like I'm something out of space and the Haze, that dreadful smoke cloud wafting over from Indonesia and poisoning the precious air. It stinks, it hurts your eyes when it's really thick. It makes you stay inside. It's horrible and people talk about it, but no-one does anything. It was thick this morning, thicker than I've ever seen it in this part of the country. Luckily, in the afternoon, a strong wind visited and saved us from having to breathe it any longer. Other than that though, we've only seen a little of it. It looks like it's getting worse though. The government blames it on 'hot spot's' in the jungle, peat fires that start because of too little rain and burn underground, releasing a toxic cloud of smoke. It's more than the peat fires though. It's the malaysian corporations using fire to clear land in Indonesia to plant next years crops or build houses or whatever. They are polluting themselves. Stupid, selfish idiots.
On another note, we all seem to be having allergic reactions to something, though it's affecting us in different ways. My daughter gets an rash on her legs, both my hands are prickly and itchy and my right fingers are raw. My son gets itchy eyes, though he's the one that least affected and ex, he's in a class of his own. He has what looks like hay fever, really bad hay fever. I feel sorry for him. He can't sleep or work and the best we can do is to stay out of his way. Could it be the water? I've just washed my hands and am feeling my hands react as I write this. Small, itchy bumps running along the sides of my finger, driving me crazy - so small, yet so irritating. The doctor told me I'm allergic to soap, and that may be, but sometimes it just happens and I haven't been near soap. Ex does the dishes now, though I still do them once a day or wash stuff while I'm cooking. I miss my dishwasher.
School is annoying. The kids are coming home with a lot of homework, some of it they can't do. They don't have the language or the skills to complete the task. Son was crying tonight because if he doesn't get it done, his teacher will beat him. I want to go there and smack her and show her what it's like when someone bigger than you threatens to hurt you. I won't of course, but sometimes I feel like it. Instead, I've called the kids tutor to come in tomorrow and help them. Though she's only been working with them this year, I just don't know what I'd do without her. She's the perfect person for the job because her English is good, her chinese is good and she's nearly always available in the mornings when we need her. I am grateful we found her, so thank the universe and it's again time for bed.
Things are annoying me and I'm hating living here. The mosquitoes, the inconsiderate drivers, the way they park their cars, the people that stare at me like I'm something out of space and the Haze, that dreadful smoke cloud wafting over from Indonesia and poisoning the precious air. It stinks, it hurts your eyes when it's really thick. It makes you stay inside. It's horrible and people talk about it, but no-one does anything. It was thick this morning, thicker than I've ever seen it in this part of the country. Luckily, in the afternoon, a strong wind visited and saved us from having to breathe it any longer. Other than that though, we've only seen a little of it. It looks like it's getting worse though. The government blames it on 'hot spot's' in the jungle, peat fires that start because of too little rain and burn underground, releasing a toxic cloud of smoke. It's more than the peat fires though. It's the malaysian corporations using fire to clear land in Indonesia to plant next years crops or build houses or whatever. They are polluting themselves. Stupid, selfish idiots.
On another note, we all seem to be having allergic reactions to something, though it's affecting us in different ways. My daughter gets an rash on her legs, both my hands are prickly and itchy and my right fingers are raw. My son gets itchy eyes, though he's the one that least affected and ex, he's in a class of his own. He has what looks like hay fever, really bad hay fever. I feel sorry for him. He can't sleep or work and the best we can do is to stay out of his way. Could it be the water? I've just washed my hands and am feeling my hands react as I write this. Small, itchy bumps running along the sides of my finger, driving me crazy - so small, yet so irritating. The doctor told me I'm allergic to soap, and that may be, but sometimes it just happens and I haven't been near soap. Ex does the dishes now, though I still do them once a day or wash stuff while I'm cooking. I miss my dishwasher.
School is annoying. The kids are coming home with a lot of homework, some of it they can't do. They don't have the language or the skills to complete the task. Son was crying tonight because if he doesn't get it done, his teacher will beat him. I want to go there and smack her and show her what it's like when someone bigger than you threatens to hurt you. I won't of course, but sometimes I feel like it. Instead, I've called the kids tutor to come in tomorrow and help them. Though she's only been working with them this year, I just don't know what I'd do without her. She's the perfect person for the job because her English is good, her chinese is good and she's nearly always available in the mornings when we need her. I am grateful we found her, so thank the universe and it's again time for bed.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
August Flying By
It's already the 4th - woo-hoo. We started the month with a day trip to KL, something we can now do with our hands tied behinds our respective backs. I slept in though due to my not setting my alarm properly. Ex didn't blink and took it all in his stride, as he's apt to do nowadays. Live in the present, there's no point getting angry at these things and ruining the whole day is his way of living now. It's such a change from the past, when everything was so tense and awful and every mistake would lead to a silent, fuming pool of anger.
It was good day, spent shopping at 1 Utama and then visiting family. We window shopped, ate, shopped, ate some more and then shopped separately and the kids took part in a little competition on the centre stage after ex encouraged them to participate. They had to do a puzzle in a minute and a half using big block type pieces. By the time the guy had started the clock and turned back around, my kids had finished the puzzle. The other kids were still milling around trying to fit the pieces together. They were so thrilled and walked away with a little prize tucked under their arms. By 4.30, we'd all had enough so proceeded to my in-laws who consist of ex's older brother, his wife and their two boys who are 5 and 2. We spent the afternoon there relaxing and then Aunty YC (the lady who hosted us for our week long holiday) took us all our for dinner at a popular restaurant which specialises in crab. Yummmo. The crab was great and my crab-eating skills are getting better. I managed to keep my newly-acquired, soft-pink shirt clean. Crab is so hard to eat isn't it? All that cracking of shells which can only be done efficiently with your bare hands - I did try first with my fork and spoon, to no avail and had even less success stabbing at it with chopsticks, so I picked it up and used my fingers - but only after I'd checked that someone else at the table was also using their hands. My sister in law managed to successfully use her fork and spoon which is something I'll aspire to the next time I'm fortunate to be eating fresh crab. All this talk of crab reminds me of the best crab meal I ever had - I'm not sure how the restaurant prepared it (steamed or boiled) but there was no sauce - only freshly cooked crab, cut up into pieces, piled high and set in the middle of the table. We had a plate each (about 7 of us) and a hammer - that was it and you took a piece, cracked it with the hammer and ate your fill. It was fresh and bloody fantastic.
Anyway, back to KL, we left the in-laws in peace at about 10pm and by 1am we were home, as per our usual routine, the kids having fallen asleep in the car.
Things are cordial and pleasant. I do my absolute best not to think about the past or the future because neither can serve any purpose right now. It doesn't always work, but for the most part, I can do it. Live in the now, it's the only way to go. If I slip up, well we all know where I slip to, so I try not to.
Life is normal, kids are loving and hating school in equal portions. Loving the friends and teachers, hating the homework. Daughter was up till 11 today finishing her homework. Exams are coming up so there'll be some heavy homework days to come.
Birthdays are coming up too. I want to buy them some rollerblades and teach them to well, blade I guess. When I was a kid I was quite adept at skating and skateboarding - well, nowhere near what they do now with skateboards, but I could stand on the thing and move around. Our house is surrounded by concrete, so I figure they can get some extra exercise rolling around the house and it will be fun for them. I'd love to get them a trampoline but with the concrete yard I don't think it's a good idea.
Anyway, that was yesterday's entry which I didn't get to finish - good thing, it's just drivel.
Today though, right now is a different story. There's a spiral sitting in my gut, waiting to launch itself into my life so that I can have some drama to feed on. My ego wants it and strange as it sounds, my body craves to feel all that will come with it. The trigger was ex saying one of his stupid 'have to analyse it in the moment' lines, specifically "oh, OK, I was trying to say something and now you're saying something else' in a tone that just pushes all the wrong buttons - that tone that clearly tells me he thinks I'm an idiot. When that tone enters our conversations, I just have to walk away and be away from him because I'll want to tell him about it and THAT will go nowhere but down hill. I wonder if I take a xanax now, whether it will disappear. Let me try and I'll get back to you.
It was good day, spent shopping at 1 Utama and then visiting family. We window shopped, ate, shopped, ate some more and then shopped separately and the kids took part in a little competition on the centre stage after ex encouraged them to participate. They had to do a puzzle in a minute and a half using big block type pieces. By the time the guy had started the clock and turned back around, my kids had finished the puzzle. The other kids were still milling around trying to fit the pieces together. They were so thrilled and walked away with a little prize tucked under their arms. By 4.30, we'd all had enough so proceeded to my in-laws who consist of ex's older brother, his wife and their two boys who are 5 and 2. We spent the afternoon there relaxing and then Aunty YC (the lady who hosted us for our week long holiday) took us all our for dinner at a popular restaurant which specialises in crab. Yummmo. The crab was great and my crab-eating skills are getting better. I managed to keep my newly-acquired, soft-pink shirt clean. Crab is so hard to eat isn't it? All that cracking of shells which can only be done efficiently with your bare hands - I did try first with my fork and spoon, to no avail and had even less success stabbing at it with chopsticks, so I picked it up and used my fingers - but only after I'd checked that someone else at the table was also using their hands. My sister in law managed to successfully use her fork and spoon which is something I'll aspire to the next time I'm fortunate to be eating fresh crab. All this talk of crab reminds me of the best crab meal I ever had - I'm not sure how the restaurant prepared it (steamed or boiled) but there was no sauce - only freshly cooked crab, cut up into pieces, piled high and set in the middle of the table. We had a plate each (about 7 of us) and a hammer - that was it and you took a piece, cracked it with the hammer and ate your fill. It was fresh and bloody fantastic.
Anyway, back to KL, we left the in-laws in peace at about 10pm and by 1am we were home, as per our usual routine, the kids having fallen asleep in the car.
Things are cordial and pleasant. I do my absolute best not to think about the past or the future because neither can serve any purpose right now. It doesn't always work, but for the most part, I can do it. Live in the now, it's the only way to go. If I slip up, well we all know where I slip to, so I try not to.
Life is normal, kids are loving and hating school in equal portions. Loving the friends and teachers, hating the homework. Daughter was up till 11 today finishing her homework. Exams are coming up so there'll be some heavy homework days to come.
Birthdays are coming up too. I want to buy them some rollerblades and teach them to well, blade I guess. When I was a kid I was quite adept at skating and skateboarding - well, nowhere near what they do now with skateboards, but I could stand on the thing and move around. Our house is surrounded by concrete, so I figure they can get some extra exercise rolling around the house and it will be fun for them. I'd love to get them a trampoline but with the concrete yard I don't think it's a good idea.
Anyway, that was yesterday's entry which I didn't get to finish - good thing, it's just drivel.
Today though, right now is a different story. There's a spiral sitting in my gut, waiting to launch itself into my life so that I can have some drama to feed on. My ego wants it and strange as it sounds, my body craves to feel all that will come with it. The trigger was ex saying one of his stupid 'have to analyse it in the moment' lines, specifically "oh, OK, I was trying to say something and now you're saying something else' in a tone that just pushes all the wrong buttons - that tone that clearly tells me he thinks I'm an idiot. When that tone enters our conversations, I just have to walk away and be away from him because I'll want to tell him about it and THAT will go nowhere but down hill. I wonder if I take a xanax now, whether it will disappear. Let me try and I'll get back to you.
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