holiday times in KL

It's very clean here, and uncluttered. We're at the designer suite of ex's Aunty. Unlike my own house, everything has a place. ALL the plastic containers have a corresponding lid and none of them are missing. There's every appliance you could ever need to make any number of dishes and the whole place has that 'hotel' feel to it. The tv, enormous as it is, provides a cinematic type experience and has been wonderful for viewing the FIFA world cup - not that I'm watching, but Aunty YC is. In fact, she's really quite into it, which is rather surprising as she's well into her fifties, works in finance and doesn't do any sport beyond the odd yoga class.

Yesterday, ex's cousin took the time to pick us up and bring us out to a different shopping mall than the one we are used to. It was good, the highlight being the LEGO shop and the centre show featuring some Toy Story characters. My son is into LEGO at the moment, thanks to a Christmas present from my mum last year of a Spongebob Squarepants LEGO set. My son loves it and I would buy him more except that it's so expensive here. Really, one box of 200+ pieces is over 200 Ringgit and if there's any branding involved (Toy Story etc) the price immediately doubles. So to build a house or something from Toy Story would cost RM$400+. Ridiculous.

Back in the afternoon, we proceeded to go swimming with the kids' cousins who were using the apartment because their home had no electricity. It was fun, the pool here is really nice and big and the kids love it. Later, we met up with ex's brother, his wife and Aunty YC to go for dinner at an open air restaurant. The food was delcious, as usual. Whenever they take us for dinner the food is always really good. The area that the restaurant was in was a little dingy and there weren't many tourists around but the place was busy (always a good sign of good food). Ex's brother is always an excellent host when we are down, as is his aunty, but we've got to make sure we don't stress them, otherwise it's pleasant for no-one. And by that I mean making sure we clean up after ourselves and don't make too much noise.

The Aunty was different this time though. Last time I felt quite comfortable and we had some good chats, but this time, not so much. There was lots of one way conversations (me talking) and I'm really bad at small talk - I hate it and I'm not good at it, so often I don't end up saying anything which some people can take as being rude. But I did get the feeling this time that she would have preferred us not to be there. She has a lot of stress with her job so it's probably that and nothing more. She didn't invite us back like she did last time though. Hmmm. The kids keep asking me if we're coming back next year. Probably not. I don't want to be someone other people tolerate.

As I'm writing this two days after I started, I am no longer relaxed. We are now at ex's brother's place and he is ex to the power of 10, though without the personal connection. I'm getting a mild flu and am very conscious that I might pass it around. I want to go home. I don't want to trouble anyone any longer as that's what it's beginning to feel like. I feel like we are in the way, which may or may not be true, just my perception of things. Ex is coming today to pick us up, but I can't expect him to just turn around and go home. After a three hour drive he'll need dinner and a good rest as the drive home will be long and dark. So we will be home tonight and in the meantime I need to be polite and not too much trouble.

Cheers

Not a complete bastard

He's not a complete bastard, even though by now, you probably think he is. He did spend a lot of time on it and I was grateful - for him rewiring the modem that is. If we ever have a technical problem, as you do, ex fixes it. And he never takes the easy way out. We could have just bought another wireless router after the one we had was accidently bumped to the floor, but money is tight so he rewired the aerial. When I wasn't getting a good signal, he did it again but with a longer cable so that the aerial is now hanging closer to my room from the lantern in the hallway - about 5 metres away. It took him quite a while to do that and when I still wasn't getting a good signal, he experimented by moving my speakers away, then moving them back again to see if it improved, getting me to clean the dust off the air vents on the cpu. Then, he moved my table 20 centimetres forward, away from the wall. And woo-hoo, the signal improved by 50% and I can now browse at a decent speed, watch my beloved Adam Lambert in concert on Youtube (currently performing his GLAM NATION tour) and do all manner of things on the internet - banking, ticket hunting etc, etc.

It was my bloody table, blocking the signal as it were. I never would have thought to move the table out and away from my wireless receiver. He did. I wish I had, but I'm completely grateful for his pedantic side because it allows him to be very thorough and a really good problem solver. I hope this spills into other areas of his life right now. He looked stressed today and admitted that yes, he has a lot on his mind at the moment. The last time he said that, his best friend had dumped him.

I think this time though it has to do with his work. He's doing / finishing a site for someone. I just hope that it's new work, not old work that he's already been paid for.

Tomorrow though, he has to take the day off and drive us to KL, where he'll drop us at his aunty's condo and then go and attend to some business and then drive home from there. We'll be staying for about 5 days. It's the same holiday we had last year and it's as much for me as for the kids. The kids are really excited and for me, I'm just happy to be away for a while.

*

Today ex's mum called around with the two nephews from KL to say goodbye. The helper was with them. I like his mum but today she really annoyed me. That poor helper (she's from Cambodia) couldn't do anything right by her. I was sitting there and wondering why my stress levels were going up - I could feel myself getting annoyed and she wasn't even talking to me. But there it was - almost to the letter, she sounded like ex - but 10 times that. Now I know where he gets his "gotta tell people what they should be doing and how they should be doing it" attitude. While she was in this mode, I happened to mention that I'd like to get a new oven because the timer on mine is broken, as is the handle and the fact that it's pretty small and she told me not to be wasteful, that I didn't need to buy a new one because I could just use an outside timer - which I could I guess. It's just the way she says it that I find annoying - like I can't make a decision on my own and need her input - it's insulting - to me anyway. Another person might not take it that way. I'll never forget when I was ironing once and she came in and said "oh, I haven't shown you how to iron pants properly yet, have I" - like anyone else's (mine) way wasn't any good.Sheesh.

OK, I'll stop complaining now. She's a nice lady and she's been good to me, just that today, her attitude hit a raw nerve and I walked out of the room thinking to myself that there was no doubt about where he got his people skills from.

Cheers

Up yours computer

I'm writing this from my friends computer. My friend who sits here with me and makes me feel so at home, I eat her cheesesticks while I write (making sure I wipe my hands first of course). I feel more comfortable with her than I do with some of my own family.

My internet connection is stuffed because one very small nephew of ex's ran down our very narrow hallway and knocked the modem off it's very small table. It was an accident and yes, I know they happen, I just wish this one didn't - because life without internet is barely worth living I tell you.

And it always happens when you least need it to - this time I was renewing domain names and again experiencing payment problems because I'm not living in the right country.

So here I sit, blogging, reading, laughing, eating and blogging some more while my friend is relaxing on her husband's computer. I'm havng a lovely time.

Actually, I'm probably suppposed to be here because I needed to get out for a while. The past three days has been a little tiring. Remember that meal I cooked? Well, I've done a similar thing (albeit with assistance from the domestic helper) yesterday and tonight. I've enjoyed doing it because it means I'm making a difference and I will not feel guilty next week when I go stay with the parents of the nephews for a night.

If my computer had been working at home, I would not be here. My computer just does not understand that it needs to work in the same way that ex's does and have a good connection to the modem. Nobody can figure out why this isn't so cos it's not like computers can think.... but I'm sure mine does. Stuff it, I hate my computer.

Time to rest. Enjoy your night good people. I love you.

It was just me

Well. I'm tired. it's been a biggish week. My mum is great, very much back to her normal self. She even took a trip out of town. My sister's lovely dog is sick. I hope he's going to be OK. I almost cried when she told me because i know how much she loves that dog. The kids cousins are down from KL, staying with my mother in law but spending most of their days here.

I took a step back yesterday and again, realised how far I've come. Ex's mother had travelled to KL in order to bring the kids down for the week. It's a long trip. The usually 3 hour train ride took them over 4 hours. Even though she had the family's helper with her (the new domestic assistant from Cambodia), it was still tough going. When she rang me she sounded tired and asked me to buy dinner for them. I know how she hates doing that - she doesn't like restaurant food that much - so I offered to cook and said they should come straight to my place to eat. She accepted, so I set about preparing to have them over.

I did it without hesitation. I cooked for 8 people and they all liked it. I made roasted pork, which was rather nice and my MIL thought I'd gone out and bought it. No I said proudly, I made that from scratch and she 'oohed' over it. We had stir fried cabbage, fish fillets in sauce (which I'd made the day before), stir fried green vegie and steamed eggs. It was easy. I didn't flinch one bit.

When ex woke up from his 2 hourly "nap" in the afternoon, I told him that his mumand nephews and the helper were coming for dinner and that I had prepared everything. I reeled off the dishes (5) and then he commented "How'd you do that? Must be all the piracetam you're taking"

"Nope I replied, "I haven't taken any for a while now. This was just me." And I walked off.

I don't know if he thought it was good. I don't care. I just know that last time she came for dinner was at Christmas about 2 years ago and I almost went to pieces. This time, there wasn't even a moments hesitation and I really surprised myself.

It feels so good to be on the ball.

And I did it again today. And it was good again. And I made lunch (fritatta) and cookies for the kiddies and looked after them AND disciplined one of the nephews having a meltdown ala Super Nanny style - " no you're not going out there like this because we don't scream in this house and if you want to go out there, you have to stop screaming"- and he did. Then he drank his milk like I told him to and then he slept like I knew he would and then he got up and he was feeling better like I predicted. I think the helper was impressed. Even I was impressed with how this technique worked because that kid was screaming the place down and in the middle of it, I had no idea whether I was going to succeed or fail. Good thing for both of us that it worked out.

Now to sleep. It's been big day, with another one coming tomorrow and I gotta squeeze ina teaching session as well.

cheers people.

Treading the fine line of diplomacy

My daughter is afraid to go to school tomorrow. Today she had a reprieve as she had been vomiting during the night, so I kept her home. She was fine all day of course, so tomorrow she has to go. And she's dreading it because she got some questions wrong on her exam papers and her teacher has a policy of using corporal punishment to try to get the kids to do better. It doesn't work. Well, it hasn't worked for either of my kids.

As you do when kids are absent, I wrote a letter to explain why she was away, but I took it a little further and explained how my daughter is feeling about being in her class. It took me three drafts and the better part of an hour to get across my message without making it sound like I was telling her off (which is really what I'd like to do - God help her if we meet up - I'll really give her a piece of my mind then).

So this is what I wrote:

Dear Teacher,

Jilian was absent today because she had an upset stomach and had been vomiting during the night. I think this was due to the stress she has been having about school. She is worried about the consequences of her exam results. Although she studied hard, her results were not as good as they could have been because of this stress. I would not like to see her punished as she has tried her best.

Please understand that we do not speak, read or write Chinese at home and quite often she cannot read the questions you ask her to do. She does have a tutor, but her tutor is not available all the time to help her when she needs it.

I would appreciate any patience and understanding you are able to give her. As a teacher myself, I know how busy you must be, but I would be grateful for your co-operation in this matter, as I want my daughter to love school, not be afraid of it.

Thankyou

Jilians Mum

What I really wanted to write was much nastier and to the point - something like "keep your fucking cane off my kids, bitch." I would not like to lay eyes on that woman right now. But I can't do that so I have to appeal to her in other ways. We'll see if it works. If it doesn't, I'll have a few words to the vice principal - again. I hate this part of life here the most. Ex just laughs it off, saying it's part of school life here. I don't agree - on so many levels. So we don't talk about this, because if he asked me something about it, I'm not sure I could contain my anger.

I wanted so much for my kids to love school, but at the moment, they just hate it. :(

Security is such a bastard

Things are never as easy as they seem, are they? This time last year I booked tickets home from Singapore to Melbourne, paid with my Australian credit card and that was that. Fast forward to March this year and I had trouble doing the same. I found myself unable to book online because of a name discrepancy I have between my passport and my credit card. One is in my 'real me' name and the other is in my married name.

When you book online now, the two names must match - all in the name of security. It doesn't matter that I am the same person in both. It didn't matter last year, but this year, a mere 6 months later, it does. And that makes it impossible for me to book my ticket home and hence get out of the country.

The security measures are put in place to stop the scum-bags of the world ripping the rest of us of. And yet the innocents have to pay for the inconvenience. If I book online, I get tickets for SGD2192. If I book the same flight over the phone, the price is SGD2692!!! Because of the stupid rule that the names must match (the person booking must be the same as the person travelling) i need to pay more - and not just a little more. It works out to AUD400 more. What a bitch!

What happens if your father wants to buy you a present and decides to get you a ticket somewhere? Can't do that because you have to pay yourself first. No surprise there. What if you need to go somewhere and you don't have a credit card, but a friend does and offers to help you out? No can do, so sorry. Fuck.

What is this world coming to where we have to put up with bullshit like this because other people have decided to make their living from ripping people's credit cards off.

I could get a card in my married name - I've never needed to before but now I have to. I don't qualify for one here because I'm a foreigner. I could get one back home if the bank would like to take a chance on me, a low income earner (according to my tax stats) who spends lots of time out of the country. I could change my name on an exisiting card if I'm prepared to go through a tonne of paperwork. I don't want to do that because I'm so over calling myself (married name) and anyway, it's too late, I need one now.

So what am I supposed to do. I'm going to have to go to a travel agent and book tickets at full price and just bite it.

Or, and I am going to do this, I'm going to ask my best friend, who has offered to help me financially before by way of opening up a joint bank account with me, to see if they will get a supplementary credit card for me, in my name. We did this when we first got here with ex's brother. I gave the card back in 07 when I returned home and wanted nothing to do with them. The card would be for this purpose only and I will be very careful with it. I will pay by withdrawing money from my Australian bank account at the ATM here (I can do that) and then either giving them the money or going to the bank to pay it myself. I've asked them and also told them that they can say no and I will understand. I don't even know if it's a good idea or what other implications there are, or even how to go about it. I just know I need a card like that, just for this purpose.

If not this, then I'll just have to phone for my tickets and cop the increase. Bastard!!

My week was OK, how was yours?

,Hi, how's your week been?

Mine turned out OK.

Ex and I have both let the argument go and I've decided that I am indeed coming back home in November. Ex didn't argue about it because I'm sure he feels he doesn't have much choice. That's his tough luck - we deserve to go and he's not paying for it after all. We are leaving from Singapore because it's going to cost so much less. I know it's a more inconvenient journey for ex, but The Universe stepped in on this matter and I happened to find 4 Singapore entry cards in the back store room while I was cleaning it out. Just what I needed. So now I just have to book and we'll be on our way again.

I was interested to see my reaction to going back. I don't have the same intense pull to home as I did last time. However, I know it will be good for me, the kids really want to go and I know my family back home will want to see us. It's not that I don't want to see them - I absolutely do, but the emotional pull is gone. Perhaps it's the desperateness that is not there anymore given that I've been back and know I can go back any time I want to, as long as I return here. That last phrase is a bit misleading - I can walk out and not return if I want to - ex would not care. But for me that is absolutely not an option. If my kids are here, so am I. Period.

So that's settled, we are coming back (27 Nov to 28th Dec) and hope, as always, to catch up with as many people as possible - Melba, Pete, Mr Scorpio and many others.

This coming school holiday we are going to KL for a few days. Hopefully we can stay with ex's lovely Aunty in her really nice apartment. We'll swim and visit ex's brother with the kids and hopefully catch up with a few other people we know. We'll swim and shop and eat and sleep in and relax. It'll be nice.

The other thing I noticed was that when I was searching for tickets to Melbourne, the stress levels went really high. I thought about it. Why would they? I've done this before, many times in fact, so I know what I'm doing. Then I listened to myself and found that I was still worried about what ex will think - about the time, the price of the tickets and also if he were doing this, he'd get a much better result - cheaper tickets, better time etc. I still do this to myself. I still think that what I do is somehow inferior to what he does. And this is despite the current reality.

Me: who has done this so often in the last 5 years. Me: who is keeping this house running and the kids on track. Me: who is helping to pay the bills despite the risks. ME: who has grown up and is so much stronger now. I have no reason to believe that he would do a better job and even IF that was true, so what! I should believe in myself more.

*

This week I found myself talking to ex in my head. It went something like this.

J, why aren't you spending more time with the kids? Why aren't you cherishing this time with them. There's 18 months left and your kids, who are the best kids around, need to get to know you. Don't you know, didn't we agree, that now is the most important time in their lives. They need you to spend time with them on their level. You can't bond and get close if you don't. I know you're depressed, but spending time with the kids will lift you. You'll see what a bundle of joy they are. You'll see that when they light up and play and laugh and hug, it wipes away their naughtiness. Spilt drinks and dirty faces don't matter. Really it doesn't. Laughter, out of the blue hugs, bright lovely smiles and excited voices and all the good things do.

Did you see their exam results? You did and you were proud of them weren't you? I was too, but because it made them feel good - success is good for them, as I know you would agree with. They studied hard this week and it worked. Did you see the cloud your son was sitting on when he got home. It was the 9th one, with a silver lining. I've never seen him so chuffed, have you? I'm glad you took us out that night and followed your son's suggestion that we go to McDonalds. It was like a reward for them, because they'd worked so hard during the week. I don't like eating there either, but they do. They are kids after all.

But that's just one tiny part in their lives. Every day getting to know them more is a day well spent. Don't have a day? Take an hour, just one hour, not counting dinner because you do eat with us every night. This KL trip, you're welcome to come. Yes I know you don't like to do that, you said as much, but they do, and because of that, you should be all over it. You should be there. I know it seems like because I'm there, it stops you, but if you let your guard down just a little bit, we could make it work. I'm a reasonable person once you get to know me. I know you think you do (know me), but you don't. Not like other people do.

Listen to me - should, should, should - I sound just like you. But consider these words. It's not a directive, but a point of view. An opinion, which you are free to consider - or not.

*

In the conversation above, I mentioned the success the kids had with their exams this week. I personally don't agree with exams at this age. I don't think it's necessary, but it's a fact of life here. In the past, I've often told the kids just to do their best, but my daughter said something to me that has made me change my approach this year. She's in one of the top two classes for her level and she has found the going pretty tough. I offered to talk to 'guru besar' (the principal) to see if we could get her switched to a lower class, where the pressure is not as intense. And she told me in no uncertain terms that that was not what she wanted. She is proud to be in that class and she likes it when she does well. I was a little surprised and then a little ashamed because I then realised that haven't been supporting her in what she wants - only what I want for her.

So to make amends, I spend time with her studying, got her tutor in for an extra session and made sure she was prepared. I did the same for my son. I studied his malay with him, made sure his English maths, science and spelling were all up to scratch and scheduled some time with his tutor and at the end of a very long week, they came home proud of themselves. Ex, I did that.

I don't know why I feel the need to chalk up every good thing I do. I shouldn't do it, but sometimes can't help myself. It's like I'm storing ammunition for the eventual confrontation. Uggh, it's going to be horrible, or so I tell myself. It may not be.

So I'm rambling now. Time to move on. Enjoy your weekend. We're out this afternoon, getting out of the house, buying groceries, stopping at Macca's again but for icecream. I would like to Skype sometime Mr Scorpio, to see if I can get it working properly and to have a chat of course. If you're free.

Love you all, my 3 readers.
Cheers