Drama or not?

How to write what I really think is going on. Is there really anything going on? Is there drama or isn't there? Watched a movie today and the boy accused the girl of taking things the boy said and infusing them with her own twist and making something out of nothing. All because she (and we women) loved the drama of it all.

I am guilty of this. I can make drama in my life, if I want to. I can react to the gossipers who've been talking about ex and asking each other whether I know what my 'husband' has been up to. Does she know, they whisper, that he goes to far away places to look for women. Gossip travels fast in such a small town. Friends of friends of friends will look at me, as I take my children shopping and either feel sorry for me, or think I'm an idiot. Either way, they will come to the conclusion that I'm not pleasing my husband. If I was, he wouldn't have to look elsewhere. They don't know the real story. Their snapshot of my life is so different to the reality. You can't tell what goes on behind closed doors. And yet they judge, both of us, on a single sentence uttered by an inconsiderate. The story they are talking about now, actually happened a few years ago and I was aware of it. When he rang me from where he was to ask if the kids were OK, he sounded so happy. I could hear it in his voice and then I knew that being with me was not a good thing for him. My knowledge did not make it easier to endure the separation.

He went away often then, and within 4 months of the separation, he was in another relationship. He said to me once back then that because I came back (from my 4 month stay in 07), he'd had to put 'this thing' (the relationship) on hold - I still had hope then, hope of saving my family. I don't know what that meant because he was still in contact with her after that. He hasn't been back to see her since December. As far as I know. She could be here though. Maybe that's what has stirred the gossip. Maybe she visits him here, at the office, where we don't go. Someone asked me if there was a child involved. Of that I have no idea. It's possible of course and would explain his need to send money over there, even now. But that's fiction in my head.

I found the receipt for money inadvertently, thinking it was a telephone bill ex had asked me to look for. They always take you by surprise these things. You're having a good day, he says - can you find that thing for me and mistakenly you grab something else, look more closely and see it for what it really is. Money sent overseas. My money, our money, that we need. And your day falls apart. And you nearly fall apart and want to completely, but you can't because then he will know that you know and then who knows what will happen.

So I haven't said anything, but I have to say something about anything, sometime because keeping everything in, all the issues that I see with him, are going to come out somehow and I'd rather it be because I want it to, not because it has to and I blurt it out stupidly.

I want to ask him, why the hell aren't you getting your computer fixed if it's so annoying?

Don't you need it to work and if not, what are you working at anyway?

How much do you really want to be here?

Are you earning any money?

Why can't you own up to your problems?

Why can't you let us go?

Why, on a public holiday, do you choose to sleep for hours instead of spending time with the kids.?

If you so desperately want to take the kids away on holiday, why aren't you booked yet?

You do realise the holidays are next week.

Again, why can't you let us go?

And these are just the simple things. Yet, if I didn't ask these questions to myself, would the drama disappear? Am I just creating it for the attention, for something to write about?

I can't answer honestly. I just know that the small voice in my mind is asking me these questions and getting mighty pissed that no answers are forth coming.

PS. Don't forget that a lot of what I have written here are the stories I make up in my head. For instance, while he did send money overseas to her, it may have been the repayment of a loan or something similar. Who knows for sure? Only he does.

No worries

Son: I just love my mummy sooo much.

Me: Why? Why you love mummy? (In Malaysian English - Manglish)

Son: I don't know

Me: There must be a reason...

Son: Uhhm, no, but don't worry...blah, blah, blah, LEGO, blah blah, blah Spongbob LEGO, blah, blah, blah, kiss....


No, I'm not worried, but I am very happy.

Putting it out to the universe

Dear Universe,

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE:

I've been strong and lived up to my word. I supported all those around me and tried to do my best. I've done beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. I've searched my soul and studied and have come out a better person. So, PLEASE, could you find a way for me to go see ADAM LAMBERT in concert at the Singapore Grand Prix - 25th and 26th November, 2010.

And I will forever be grateful, just because it would be so much fun - and I need a bit of relief right now.

Yours,

Jo

Uh oh... mind swirling and I'm still stuck here

I can't actually remember the last time I felt really shitty. A couple of weeks ago, perhaps months, I don't know. But I can feel it beginning - it's been rumbling around deep inside for quite a few days now. The usual shit is coming out of the closet I put it in and is going to clobber me if I don't get hold of myself.

It shouldn't be starting because Saturday, my son's 8th birthday, was really good. He got up early, we gave him his precious box of LEGO from the CREATOR series and he proclaimed it to be the greatest LEGO set ever! During our Saturday morning English session, I turned it into a celebration and we decorated cupcakes and the kids played games and had a great time. At the end, we wrote about what we did and looked at the use of past and present tense, thus validating the time as an English class. It was all good. The afternoon saw my mother-in-law joining us for more cake (the rest of the in law family was supposed to come too, but they went to KL instead, thanks to their thoughtless father) and we had a quiet, relaxing afternoon. A simple dinner, tv for me and another night out for ex.

He goes out a lot these days, for hours upon hours at a time. At night, he leaves around 9pm and doesn't come back til 3 or 4am, four or five nights a week. I try to sleep the whole night through so I don't hear him coming back, but my mind is not obeying my wishes. Every night I wake up, see the outside light on and wonder where he is and of course, who he's with. I can't help myself, or so I claim.

Everyone is getting on with their lives and I'm stuck in this fucking shithole of a place. It's like I can't move. I finished my book EAT, PRAY LOVE (about one woman's journey to finding herself and happiness) and wonder about my own journey. It made me want to leave here to go and find myself, meet new people and create a different life for myself than the one I have. But it's not possible. I have kids and I can't just take off on them - well, technically I can but I'd then be up for the 'worst mother in the world' award, not to mention what it would do to them, especially since I've promised my daughter I'd never leave her like that again.

I've had 3 people in the last two weeks tell me that they don't know how I do it. I tell you how I do it. I ignore it and don't think about it and have trained myself to look away from reality so that I don't see it. THAT'S how I do it. Because if I don't, this happens and it's not a pretty sight.

I really thought I'd be beyond this now. I should be used to it. I had a think about it this afternoon though and I know what it is. I'm not feeling connected to anything or anybody really. I see my friends twice a week but it seems that isn't enough. At my very core level, for my 'happiness', I need to be strongly connected to someone. But at the moment I just feel empty.

So empty in fact that my thoughts are doing all sorts of flips and turn-arounds. Just yesterday I convinced myself that I still have feelings for ex and would get back together if the opportunity ever arose, even though rationally, I know that's such a bad path to follow. I've been doing the rounds of 'what if...' and then feeling really resentful and angry because he wouldn't ever consider reconciling. At times like this, I recognise that I'm still living in the shadow of his approval - wanting and needing it to make me feel good. I think to myself that I do so well now in the areas that he used to criticise me in, why couldn't he ever think about getting back together? How come he doesn't want to save his family - am I really that bad? I must be. Stupid I know, but people, emotions are stupid and this is purely emotional. It would never work, no matter how much I wanted it too. Uggh, I'm SO angry that I wasted so much of my life with this man who doesn't want me and hasn't for a long time. Angry with him and angry with myself for being such a wuss and not being able to leave. FUCK!

Him going out as much as he does, doesn't help either. If I'm not careful, I concoct all sorts of stories about where he is and with whom. My mind just goes crazy. Sometimes I feel like grabbing and shaking him and asking him point blank - are you really earning any money? and why are we even here if you're going to spend so much time out of the house WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Bad thoughts, I know.

Truth be told though, he is spending time with the kids and they are enjoying it. Ex took them out for Sunday breakfast followed by some shopping and then took them for a test drive in a new car that my son wanted to see. They had a good time and I had a quiet morning.

But yes, it's the connection I miss so, so much. I had a five minute conversation at the petrol station with the owner's daughter who continually asked me how it is I manage to stay sane here because there's so little to do. We talked and chatted and she seemed to think I was somebody she could finally talk to. I have to admit, I went home a little lighter, a little happier. I think I'm just stagnating really. Just waiting to go home. I probably just need a day out so I'm going to see if I can go with my friends on Wednesday if they are going somewhere - they usually do.

I may just be able to turn this around.

Daily Diary - 10th Birthday

Daughter at 3 or 4 weeks.

Tuesday morning started early. At 6am, all 4 of us were up with my daughter who was celebrating her 10th birthday. It made getting up easier for her, knowing we were going to give her presents before school. She's into science-y things so I got her a robot kit and her brother had chosen a secret message kit for her to use with the little science club she's formed with her friends. I also bought her an etch-a-sketch, which, surprisingly, she just loves.

I know it's cliche, but those baby and kiddie years just pass by so fast. Like all mum's, I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. She was tiny, just over 6 lbs and I was so proud of her. She didn't cry much, those first few days. In fact, I think I cried more than she did (hormones dontcha know). Today I can see how different she is from me when I was that age and yet, I can see myself all the way through her. She is shy when she's with strangers, just like me. She is a bossy big sister, just like me. She's responsible and sensible, just like me. But perhaps the most striking similarity to me that she has is her way with children. She can really get down to their level, loves to take care of them, plays with them and is not scared of their differences. She loves to help my special ed students and understands how hard it is for them to achieve what they do and is gloriously happy when they succeed. At the same time, she has a curiosity about things and life that I just never had. She likes to talk, I never did. She's not scared of trying new things and I always was. She loves maths and science and that's just not me. But as she grows and I get to know more of what is inside her mind, I love what I see. Her thoughtfulness, her way of thinking, her ability to size up a situation and make a decision quickly (so not me but all ex in this regard) and most of all her ability to see beyond herself and her own needs.

So Tuesday was a happy day. We went for lunch, just us two and then spent the afternoon together as my student had cancelled. We ate pasta for dinner and the kids came with me to my English class that night. Their Chinese tutor is the receptionist there, so they can bring their homework, hang out with some of their friends and it's like a night out for them. Afterwards, I dropped them home with ex and went out to be with my friends. She was good about me going out again.

Ex had the nerve to ask my daughter what exactly did I do on Tuesday nights, as I go out every Tuesday night and don't come back til late. I'm a bit mad that he asked, he should have asked me. Maybe I'll call him on it because it's not fair to her, though she said she didn't mind telling him and I hadn't told her not to because I don't want her to think she has to keep my 'secrets' or anything like that. She told him I go to an exercise class and when he asked what kind of exercise, she told him.

So the cat's out of the bag. I go to a modern line-dancing class with 3 other people. It's not really my thing (I'm so uncoordinated) but the thing is it gets me out of the house, we laugh and dance and burn calories, we have fun and I love watching the instructor dance. He's really very passionate about his craft. He's also really gay, which is not easy in a society as conservative as this one (where homosexuality is concerned) and so I feel a bit sorry for him (in a nice way)! He speaks with a high voice, so for Jerry Seinfeld fans, he's a high-talker. But when he clears his throat, you can hear the masculine deepness. Strange. When the global economy fell, he lost a lot of his students and now he's really struggling just to live really, so our class gives him a bit of extra support. (note to self: remember to buy him some dinner next Tuesday).

So that was Tuesday. We cha-cha'd til 11.30 and then went home, tired and sweaty, instead of going out for teh tarik like we normally do.

Happy 10th birthday to my gorgeous girl.

Daily Diary Monday - The Almost Flood

Monday started in the same way as all our weekdays. A 6am start, a 7am school drop off and walk and an 8am snooze to recover from the 6am wakeup. Except this time at 8 am ex came knocking at my door and proceeded to tell me that a cleaner was due any minute and he was going to work. He mumbled something about not giving me much notice and left.

I've been waiting for him to organise the cleaner for a couple of weeks now, because we need someone to clean the security grills which are heavy with dust and the drains need cleaning out. She arrived 5 minutes after I got up.

"Boleh cakap Bahasa Inggeris (can you speak English)?" I ask her "Tak Aunty (no aunty)" "OK, saya boleh cakap Malayu sikit (ok, I can speak a little Malay) ."

She goes to work and I work alongside her. Picking things up, showing her how I want it done, trying to think of the words I need to tell her what to do next. She cleans all the grills, ex's room, the kitchen and my room. She sweeps and it looks like I haven't done that particular job in months, even though I did it a few days ago. She leaves the dirt lying on the floor while she starts another job and I need to tell her "habis semua menyapu dulu, kerana saya nak jalan disini - finish all the sweeping first because I want to walk here." The words are right, but not sure about the grammar. I also get her to help me remove the sofa frame from my room because it's bugging me. Ex has the mattress at the office and was supposed to take the frame as well but hasn't got around to it yet. My floor is incredibly dusty and I'm embarrassed about it, so clean it myself. She cleans out the cupboards and wipes away the grime and grease. In five hours she's done jobs that would take me days to do. Later she washes out the outside drains and clears away all the leave from the durian tree behind us.

A little later, sweet Mrs Ong, the mother of one of my students, calls past to give me something for my itchy hands. The cream turns out to be hand sanitizer, which I politely accept because she's so sweet. She says when she has itchy hands the sting of the sanitizer makes the itch go and she likes it. It very good she tells me. I take it and try it out and my hands sting like crazy. Ouch. The itch goes away.

Ex comes home and brings lunch. It's pork and rice and deliciously sweet. We eat and leave and the cleaner is left to finish up outside. Son is dropped off at school, ex is dropped off at the office and I am left to go shopping quickly before I need to pick up my daughter. I shop, getting the things that, with all my anxiety, I'd forgotten to pick up yesterday. I pick up daughter and go to the pharmacy to get some Benadryl for her cough. She has this annoying (for her) cough at the moment and nothing is helping her. She's not sick, she's just got a dry cough that keeps happening. The doctor does not know what is wrong. At first she had a sensitive throat, then a post nasal drip, now it's a sensitive gullet and no matter what medication they prescribe for her, she's not responding. So, I'm giving her Benadryl, which I grew up on, for the next week to see if it helps. 3 times a day for 7 days. If there's muck there, Benadryl will fix it. If not, at least it will soothe the cough. If this doesn't help, I want to take her to a pediatrician because a cough like that is not normal I tell you.

Back home, in my room, I am reading my new book and she is doing homework. My student has canceled for the afternoon. I hear thunder and lightening. It starts to rain. Drop, drop, drop-drop, drop-drop-drop, and then the downpour begins. Heavier and heavier. Daughter is worried and goes to look outside and comes back to tell me that the drains are filling up fast. We go into 'possible flood mode'. First, get the shoes in because if the compound (yard) floods, they will float away. Next, clear anything that can float away and get caught in the drains, adding to the problem. It's raining even harder now and the drains are at capacity. We take a walk outside with the umbrella and go to look at the roadside drains.

The umbrella proves useless and we get very wet. The drains are all full and overflowing and the excess water is rushing into our yard like a little river. I can't do anything about it but prepare for the worst. We go back and I change into shorts and an old t-shirt and start clearing the house floor. The water is now lapping at the doorways, the bathrooms are filling with water (the outside drain back fills into bathrooms via the drain). We get boxes and things off the floor and onto the tables, just in case. When it's all clear, we go back to reading and homework but I can't concentrate and walk around monitoring the two doorways. The car sitting in the driveway has water a third of the way up it's wheels and I make a note to check the brakes when I go out. Though it's still raining hard, it's not getting worse and after two hours, the water slowly starts to recede.

By 5.30, the whole drama is over and I'm back cooking dinner as per normal. 6 o'clock comes and we're off to pick up son and ex. Son has wet socks and shoes from walking in the water because the schools drains cannot handle that amount of rain, despite the drains outside the school being refurbished last year. Ex tells us the story of how his upstairs neighbour left the windows open and the rain came in and turned the stair well into a waterfall. Everybody has stories and we're buzzing from the excitement. The small river near our place, Sungai Genuang has reached capacity and my thoughts drift to stocking 'flood food' - canned goods and rice, water and an extra gas bottle.

Later that night, dinner is enjoyed and we start thinking about upcoming birthdays. Homework is completed, 4 loads of washing has been done and is drying, the house is clean and the air is cool. Ex is subject to a cockroach attack in the bathroom (LOL) - 3 cockroaches are in there and proceed to run up his jean leg and the kids are screaming, son is naked because he was about to have a shower when the creepy little bastards appeared. It's all I can do not to laugh, so I walk away! Aircon for sleeping is not needed tonight and as ex again steps out for a drink (I guess he needed one after the cockroach fiasco), I make myself a cup of tea and watch a rerun of American Idol, season 8, smiling to myself and think how much I hate roaches and how far Adam Lambert has come.

Good night.

Daily Diary Sunday - the shopping trip

Left home around 9-ish to go to Johor Baru so in order to buy a decent present for my daughter who is turning 10 on Tuesday. Son was worried that we hadn't 'packed' enough, forgetting that this was a day trip instead of an overnighter. The drive was good, not many cars on the road and the car is travelling better now than it has in months. The repairs to the spark plugs, back end, wheel bearings and the new starter motor means that we have a car that's actually road worthy but ex is about RM1000 poorer.


At the almost there mark, ex asks me if I can remember the turn off? Skudai highway, Kota Tinggi or Pasir Gudang. Oh no! I don't know why he asks me because I can never remember - why can't I ever remember. Then I do remember. I consult my phone which has a note entered from the last time we made this trip. Note says take turn off to pasir gudang and follow big sign to terbrau city. Ex says it's useless because it doesn't tell us the landmarks leading up to the turn-off. As he's saying this, we pass a turnoff to Skudai and he thinks we should have turned there. His stress face and my anxiety level increases accordingly. I assume he's right and proceed to shut up. We drive on, not having much choice to do otherwise and ex changes his mind. This is looking familiar, he speculates, ah, yes, this is the right way. So you're saying I'm right then, I suggest, wanting to be right. This is correct, the other way is longer, I remember now, he says. We spot the correct turn off and onwards we go, still not sure if we are going to find this place in a timely manner. We proceed to a flyover where I'm expecting to see a huge sign pointing us to this place. The sign is gone, I get confused, ex doesn't know either and we miss the turn. We have to drive on for a couple of k's before we can make a U-turn. Cue lecture on including all landmarks in notes to tell us how to get there. Eventually we do and there's a line of six cars at every entrance to the parking lot. Cue lecture, we should leave earlier next time to ensure we get a parking spot. We go in and the parking lot is half empty and we get a decent car space.Cue thoughts: we left on time, it's OK, we don't need to leave at 8am next time to get here.


We go for lunch. Ex insists that we try something different and we end up at a try-too-hard-mexican place with teriyaki chicken on the menu. That's certainly different. The wait staff are wearing cowboy hats, trying to look Mexican. That's different too. Nearly every 'mexican' dish has chilli in it, so I'm reduced to ordering the teriyaki chicken 'pizzarina', whatever the hell that is, and we order nachos and dips and some bruschetta (isn't that Italian) - hmmm, very mexican. We order milkshakes too, which are fantastic, by the way. But the food - ho-hum. Nachos and dips is really thin warmed corn chips and with mayo and thousand island dressing (???) and the pizzarina is a toasted flat bread sandwich with teriyaki chicken inside. The kids loved it, but for me, it's the last time I visit a mexican restaurant having an identity crisis.

So on with the shopping. Ex suggests I go off and have some time to myself. My daughter looks at me pleadingly and I go anyway, off to try on some clothes if possible. My size does not make this easy but I find a shop that stocks XXL. I try on some white jeans and bright tops and it all looks terrible so I look at the kids clothes and buy a nice little T-shirt dress for my niece and talk to my sister on the phone instead. It's a nice 15 minute interlude. I then proceed to 'have time to myself' and I don't know what to do so I go to the toy store to suss out the birthday present for my daughter. Of course, who do I run into but ex and the kids. He promptly hands them to me and goes off to have some time to himself. We look at LEGO (my son's current interest) and science stuff for my daughter and she makes a wish list which I later choose from. We go to the bookstore and browse and I buy 'EAT PRAY LOVE' by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Ex meets us at the bookshop and takes daughter while I take son to buy a present for her. Son's job is to choose a present that he thinks she will like (as opposed to buying her LEGO which he likes) and he does and we take it down to the car. After that we browse through the shops a bit and I get a call from ex asking me if I've finished my grocery shopping yet because he wants to go home. Cue anxiety attack! No, I say, I'm just going now and as I'm talking, I'm walking and dragging son to the supermarket. Give me another 20 minutes I say. OK, he says and tells me to buy some cookies or something so we can have afternoon tea in the car. I should have said that I didn't know we were leaving so early, so while I go grocery shopping, can you take the kids for afternoon tea and we'll leave after that! I can never think on my feet.

I had no idea I was supposed to finish the grocery shopping as well. There was no plan! See, we need plans. I race around the supermarket trying to get only those things that I can't get in my town and end up with 4 packets of mince beef (Australian) and some other stuff, but because there seems to be a million people in there, I start to stress (I hate crowds) and sweat and can feel a headache coming on. While standing in line to pay, I call ex and ask him to come to me. He does and I want him to take over but instead, I just give him the parking ticket to pay. He goes and I pay and then I wait for him to come back. The anxiety is increasing and I keep willing him to turn up. I try to look for him amongst the crowd of Chinese people who look just like him, but it's useless and I'm committed to standing there waiting for him because he said he'd come back. I get sick of waiting and take son and shopping to bakery to buy afternoon tea and as I'm pulling out some money, I also look at my phone which now has '1 unread message' on it. It's from ex telling me he's waiting at the entrance to the car park. I pay and tell my son to hang on, mummy's got to get out of here. I'm not rushing to ex, I'm rushing to get away from the people, the crowd and the noise which seems to be getting louder. With son hanging on to my back pocket I'm almost running and finally, we are in the clear. I see ex, who is sitting calmly with my daughter on a bench, waiting. We go to the car, load the shopping, hand out the afternoon tea, leave the car park and everything is OK.

On the drive home, despite a cracking headache, I take copious notes on the directions for getting back home (for the time when I want to come by myself) and then fall into a post shopping mall stupor. An hour into the drive, I've recovered enough to suggest we buy dinner before we get home. We do just that and the rest of the night passes peacefully. Ex goes out later leaving me and the kids to ourselves and all is OK. But I do really hate shopping.

And that was Sunday.