Home

I'm home. It's comfortable and cold - damn cold and I love it.

At home the first day, it was all coffee, tea, ham and bread. Bacon and eggs for the kids breakfast. Mum's been busy, the fridge is chock full of favourite foods. There's chocolate, dried apricots, cookies, biscuits and a whole lot of other stuff. Umpteen varieties of chees. Bread and more bread. Really, the food is too much. If I get any fatter, I'll need to buy yet more clothes in a different, bigger size.

Fast forward 4 days. It's Thursday now. The weather is wet, humid and warm and still nice. I've been to the docs for a checkup and she was pleased with both my blood pressure and mental health. My blood pressure has dropped from 130 over 83 to 115 over 70 - I've been here three days!! I've been walking nearly everyday since we got here. Walk to the park, walk the dog... it's nice to walk and not sweat a litre of fluid out.

Being home is a little different this year. Mum, although she's recovered from her serious health crisis this year, is not the same and dad is tired. My eldest niece is living with them now and it's not working out the way she thought it would. She is unhappy and I feel for her. I can see in her, my own unhappiness from so long ago and all the behaviours that go along with it. Her mum has told her that she should talk to me, that I could help her. I hope that if she chooses to, that I can, but seriously, I think that we are the cause of some of her stress which doesn't make me the best person to talk to.

I need to make some time to go see my brother and his kids. We are not close, so it could happen that we go the whole month without seeing them. That would be sad because my kids want to see their kids. He's had his own issues to deal with too. It seems that everyone has a lot of emotional stuff on their plate this year.

For myself, even though I've been here for a few days, I haven't really been feeling that social. I feel bad for feeling that way, but things don't seem as cheery as they did last year. Everyone is tired, walking on egg shells or otherwise bothered or sick.

But no matter. I am home and even though I feel a little out of place and a little in the way, I'm OK. Conversations between myself and my parents are stuck on "when you get back...". My thoughts are also in that space, making it difficult to just relax and enjoy being home. We'll settle in though.

We're enjoying the weather and the food and the window shopping. After last year's budget blowout holiday, I'm trying not to spend too much. I've done most of the Christmas shopping in Malaysia, so only a little bit to go.

Cheers

Leaving

We're leaving for home soon. It's tinged with a little sadness as the kids have had a great week with all their cousins and ex's sister who has come over for a holiday visit. But this is holidays, not real life. Real life here can be tough and boring, with little family support. This is the exception, not the norm.

We will see you on the other side. Melba, can you email me your phone number? Not sure I have an up to date one. Mr S, come see us at mum's tomorrow. Kids are super excited, as are parents. I can't afford to be yet, I need to keep my head together so that things go smoothly.

See you all soon.

An ex holiday

For ex's holiday with the kids, we went to Universal Studios in Singapore. It's only opened recently so everything is still new and some of it is still under construction. I'd planned the day meticulously, finding out where we could eat, what we needed to bring, packed the two backpacks up with all our stuff and we set off.

In Singapore, we were staying with some relatives of ex's and his cousin was kind and generous and escorted us around. We got to Universal Studios on Sentosa Island via the MRT and the monorail. I love visiting Singapore. Everything is organised, signed correctly, it's CLEAN, it DOESN'T smell, and everyone follows the rules (or they get fined which makes it a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there). This time around, I insisted that ex navigate and I drive. I know what works and I can't see the point in him asking me to navigate when I'm so hopeless at it. Last time I did that, I got us lost within 5 minutes of starting the drive, so this time I insisted. And it works. We got to our destination without any wrong turns, getting lost or missing whatever. We got there with pinpoint accuracy, thanks to ex's navigational skills. I do not need a gps when I drive with him.

So, because we'd worked together and planned and put our emotional shit aside, it was a great day. Ex called it good, I called it amazing, which shows the different emotional emphasis we put on things. When we got there, I was overwhelmed by the size of it - everything is so big, it takes up all your vision-space. Now when I'm faced with something like that, I need some time to look at it and work out what things are where. 5 or so minutes just to focus on stuff and get my bearings. Apparently men don't need this because ex and his cousin worked it all out in about 2 seconds. After a 20 minute wait in line to get in, we found the toilets, and set off according to the PLAN. We rode the rides, took the kids on the junior rollercoaster - which my daughter loved but my son did not. I held his hand during the ride and it was like holding on to a statue - he was that tense. We went for lunch after the 4D Shrek movie which was quite good and then split up so that I could take son, who was still rattled and whinging from the rollercoaster ride, on some of the tamer rides while ex took daughter for the Jurassic Rapids ride.

After a very slow jeep ride, I let him get wet playing in one of those ground level fountains that spurt up water when you least expect it. It was so nice to see him free and happy and feeling better. He tends to be a bit of a kill-joy on these kinds of days. After the rollercoaster ride, he told me he didn't really want to be here and he wished that he didn't exist! That's why I took him off by himself because I didn't want him to spoil his sister's day and I know how to manage his 'moods'.

We met up later at the Waterworld show which, incidentally is much better than the movie it's based on. It was funny and wet and daughter loved it. After that, we meandered through the park down to 'New York' and 'Hollywood' where we ate hot dogs, fries and milkshakes and saw the Steven Spielberg 'Behind the Scenes' of a disaster movie show. Quite good but really, but they mentioned the fact that it was 'hosted' by Steven Spielberg TOO MANY TIMES.

And that was our day. We got through it. No fights, tension or otherwise bothersome behaviour. We came home the next day and because ex seemed to be plagued by allergies and I was high on having got through the whole thing without melting down and had my sights set on packing for home, I drove most of the way home, got the unpacking done, organised the kids to go out for dinner, had a nice time with ex's sister who is here from the US (nice woman, nothing like her brothers) and then got us home again for bed. Finally went to bed at 2 after taking some xanax because I realised I was not going to get to sleep otherwise.

See you all soon.

Deep breath... talk

So, as always, it's been a week of ups and downs between myself and ex. The closer I am getting to coming home for a while, the more I want it and the less tolerant I am of him and his ways. I'm sure that holds true for him too - as in I'm getting more annoying as our trip gets closer.

But, yesterday he seriously crossed a boundary and I was not happy. He'd come home from the office because I'd asked to use the car so I could go and get my son's glasses fixed, as he'd dropped them the day before. Because we don't communicate well together, he'd assumed we would be going out together and then going to see his mum who has just arrived back from India. I, of course, had completely opposite plans, having accumulated a couple of extra kids and was planning for a student to come later. So I went out... and he went on my COMPUTER!

I don't normally mind but this time I wasn't home and didn't have a chance to log out of all my accounts - fb, twitter, gmail and of course, blogger - and yes, the blog was on a tab underneath my son's lego manuals tab.

When I came home I could see someone else had done a search on my computer and pretty soon figured out it was ex - and he confirmed as much when I asked him via sms. I was angry that he'd disregarded my privacy so blatantly but also because it seems, he feels like he can come into my room anytime he wants when I'm out and use my computer. It was one of those things where I really wanted to give it to him, but I held my tongue and thought about it instead. My options were:

1. go off the deep end at him - and be all emotional and paranoid

2. send an sms to him saying something like "please don't go on my computer while I'm not home" - I love the distance sms gives us from each other.

3. write him an email - again, no emotional contact.

4. Speak to him and try to remain in control.

I let it sit for a day, thinking about it, hoping I could let it go but it wouldn't leave me. I HAD to do something or let yet another thing eat away at me. The opportunity came early this morning. He'd been out all night and I'd woken up early to discover he wasn't home yet. I couldn't sleep so I got up and made myself a hot drink and that's when he came in. Knowing what he does and how it affects his mood I decided to ask him if I could talk and he agreed (ie.getting wasted= good mood). I was nervous, but I still went ahead. I told him that what I wanted to tell him was really difficult because of the way we (don't) communicate but felt I needed to say something, so I was just going to say it and I didn't want to come across like some emotionally paranoid woman. That said, I told him that in this situation that is difficult for both of us, we've drawn some boundaries around the area of privacy and it was agreed that we don't cross over that but that he had crossed that boundary when he went on my computer without me knowing, when I was out. I explained that I don't have much personal space here except for my computer and my room and that I want those areas to be respected.

And he said....

yes, I'm sorry, it was insensitive of me to use your computer in that way.

I apologise for making you feel uncomfortable and putting you in that position

I only did a search for something and looked at a page on the Age and didn't click on any other tabs

I didn't go on there to pry and I have no need to know about what you do privately

I apologise for using your computer and I can understand where you are coming from.

RELIEF. That I wasn't over-reacting and that he said all the things I wanted to hear and taht he thought it was fair enough and that he'd made a mistake. He said he didn't even think about it - the door was open, the computer on, our son was playing in my room and he had some time to spare (and his computer was at the office) so he thought he'd do some normal browsing. It was innocent, but still a mistake he said and he understood completely how I might feel the way I do, even though no harm was intended.

That led us to talking about how often we interpret each other's actions in the wrong way - like when I came back from getting son's glasses fixed and he was at the door (looking like) frantically unlocking it - he wasn't trying to get away as fast as possible, he was just trying to unlock the door for our daughter and his key got stuck. We both agreed that we'd try not to jump to conclusions where the other is concerned - ie I don't go around with a sour face just to piss him off or because I'm unhappy with him...

Other things he said included we are still doing a great job with the kids and he's trying hard to accept our son with all his quirks and 'behaviours'. He notices that they are happy and often a lot better behaved than other kids and that he credits me with that. He said he's noticed that he's having more fun with them now that he spends more time with them and I can see that it's benefiting the kids too - this was what we originally wanted for the kids, but when you're checked out, as he has been for some time, it's not always easy to achieve.

MUSIC TO MY EARS. That he can acknowledge the effort I've put in and knows that our kids are better than OK, under my care.

And with that conversation dealt with I happily went back to my room, knowing I'd shown him that I can be reasonable and do in fact, know how to communicate. A weight lifted. Phew!

Saturday Night in Pictures

I love electronic media, so far anyway. I've decided to post some photos from my 'big-ish night out' so that I can show my parents when I get back home for a while.

My two dear friends who coaxed me along.

Shake your booty people: Belly dance lesson

All I can see in this picture is: I'm huge!

For Melba: My sweetie dance instructor who will dance until he dies (his words).

I got through it.

Sounds like torture doesn't it. Of course, I'm talking about Saturday night's 'dance party' courtesy of my good friends here who paid for my ticket and insisted that I go after I told them I hadn't been to any function like this in what seemed like years - and I really think it has been that long. The last time I got 'dressed up' in anything that didn't resemble jeans and a t-shirt, I think I was getting married and that was 10 years ago. Yes, I know, I don't get out much.

So there I was, long black skirt, my black glitter t-shirt and new shiny black shoes with a little bling on them. I'm so awkward in a skirt, uggh! I don't like wearing them because I'm just not comfortable but I thought I'd better match the occasion this time. Not that it was a really big function but 200 other people all dressed up and ready to dance and party (without alcohol mind) was reason enough.

So there I was, smokey eyes and hair swished over, in a skirt for the first time in years and at least looking the part, and my dance instructor came over and asked me to accompany him on the floor- and I froze. I was MORTIFIED, and yet at the same time slightly pleased, but not really, that he'd thought to ask me. But I couldn't. Mostly because there was no-one else dancing and it would have been just us, but also because I'm really not good enough and I didn't want to embarrass myself or him so I strongly declined. I hurriedly said, maybe later and he was kind enough not to force me. I was so grateful for that. I just couldn't imagine being out there, all eyes on us, in a black outfit with flaming red cheeks (and I do get embarrassed easily, as Mr S well knows).

The thing about these kinds of functions here is that there's no alcohol. Not a beer nor a bottle of wine or anything. There's chinese tea, but when it comes to getting some liquid courage, that doesn't quite cut it. After he'd asked me to dance with him, I was really wishing I'd bought some with me but if I had, I would have been the only one on my table drinking and that wouldn't be a good look. So I had to scrape up my own courage later on, when he again asked me to dance and this time insisted I join him. As he took my left hand, my right hand reached out to my two friends, K and W, and dragged them along with me. At least they had each other and I was so glad that I had them.

Dancing with him, I was all nerves, so had to keep counting and taking deep breaths. I did OK, only taking a few wrong steps which he laughed off. But I knew what he was doing. He wanted to boost my confidence, push me to the boundaries of my comfort zone (which I was already way out of, thanks to the skirt and shoes) and make me feel like I was part of the crowd. There was no other agenda and I certainly wasn't the only one he danced with. In a way, I'm glad he did - at least it meant I actually got up out of my chair for something other than visiting the loo and it showed me that I can do it. But I really could have used a drink afterwards.

It turned out to be a fun night. A professional belly dancer entertained us, there were some demonstration line dances by some of the other students and a bit of a 'disco' at the end. Afterwards, a small group of us went out for supper and ate, drank (more) tea and talked and laughed.

So it was a good night. I did actually enjoy myself and during the function, as I looked around I realised that I've managed to create a good life for myself here, despite the fact that I don't actually like living here. I have good friends who think of me, I get to go out and socialise and I even get asked to dance (in all my years, that's never happened at home!!!)

Random Thoughts

Why is ex home all day today - and sleeping all afternoon. He must have had a big night last night. Not that I care. Just sayin'.

Damn it's hot today. Unusually dry and hot. The wind is warm, not like Malaysia at all. More like Australia. I must say, I don't miss this weather at all.

I think I know why my newest student can't talk. It's because he CAN'T talk - I think it's a physical co-ordination problem. He's actually making progress under my care - he can now imitate the sounds of quite a few letters of the alphabet but sometimes he has to take the time to put his mouth into the correct shape in order for the right sound to be made. He's trying really hard and he's actually very smart, it's just the actual talking that's not happening. This makes the most sense because he also has physical co-ordination problems with his hands and his gross motor movement. Yes, that could be it. I need to teach him how to move his mouth to make the sounds and then teach him to link the sounds together - I think. He actually needs speech therapy but the closest one is three hours away.

Feng Ying, that precious little bundle of autism, who I've been teaching for three years now, has finally taken the plunge and written her name independently. It's good to see her progress. I noticed her clothing yesterday. Huge underpants, 3 sizes too big, clothes that were too big and obviously belonging to a boy. She's such a pretty little thing, I wonder why they can't dress her better. Her mum and dad both work, so I don't think it's a money issue. More likely a value issue - often these kids are seen as less worthy than others and so the care they are given is well, mediocre at best. I know her father adores her though, but he's not the one caring for her during the day. That's done by relatives.

My other student, Zhi Lin, the girl whose mother once said, "thank to you, she now can talk many" currently ranks number 7 in her class of 34 and passed her end of year exams with mostly A's and one or two B's. I like to think I've had a hand in helping her achieve that. When I leave, it will be hard to say goodbye to her.

Time to go shopping. I've got one hour before I need to be back. I hate shopping. And I need to buy another new pair of shoes for a dinner I'm attending on Saturday. I've been told that the dress code is formal (up til now I thought it was smart casual because that's what my friend told me and I always believe her)- OMG - I'm the least formal person you could ever come across and my lovely beige silk shirt no longer fits me. I do not know what to do.

Arrgghhh

:)