I was just reading another blog where the person mentioned that everyone has an Achilles heel, that point of weakness that no matter what 'personal development' you've done, no matter how strong you think you are, a blow to that nerve point will send you crumbling.
I found mine on Friday morning, thanks to ex. He'd left to go away for 4 days rest. So stressed out was he about our conversation on taking the kids back and my reactions, or his perceptions of my reactions, that he just had to get away. We were both stressed.
I drove him to the bus station. OK, holding it together then, but still wondering why I hate it so much when he leaves us here. Then, giving in later on to the 'need' to call him (and torture myself), we talked over the phone and he was calm and I wasn't. It was all about me, why I wanted to go back, why I have nothing here, no family, shit schools, what if something happens blah, blah, blah. Talking, talking about I don't know what and the 'same old thing' and he says
"you could have done 1000 things differently and we could have been back together already"
and a hot knife, went straight through and hit me right in the middle. My muscles turned to lava - they were literally hot - and I LOST it, ending the self inflicted call with "WHAAAAT... (splutter, guts turning inside out) DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. And I hung up. I wanted to slam the phone down in his face, but these damn cordless phones....
To say I was angry and hurt would be a complete understatement. It was a thousand times that. In that single moment, he made his point so completely about all this being my fault. And he said it so calmly. Like I should know. Like I should be able to list the ways that I could have saved our marriage - something that has always alluded me. Like I could have done it all by myself. Like I HAVEN'T FUCKING TRIED MY ARSE OFF, TO FIX THIS HORRIBLE MESS.
I almost upped and left then. No suitcases, nothing. Me, the kids, the passports and the car. Fuck you....pig. Too bad I was so upset I couldn't even drive. I calmed down a bit and rang him back. Asked him why he said what he did. He apologised, said sorry and he just meant it as a reference to our past. Still... it was said and there's no taking it back.
Of course, me being the people pleaser I am, racked my brain for the next 3 hours wondering how things could have been different if only....
Ugggh, I'm so tired. I'm going to bed now so that wake up tomorrow and look the next three years in the face with a minute bit of clarity.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
honesty in hindsight
The past two weeks, I have to admit, thoughts of going home have consumed me. It was lurking just under the surface of everyday life, willing me to plan, fantasize and make decisions all based on coming home at the end of next year.
Anwar is taking over the government - good, I'd think, now maybe if the racial tension gets bad enough, it will be a good reason to go home.
Ex asked to transfer some money - great I'd think, he's running out and won't be able to support us. I'll be able to go home, work and support the three of us.
My daughter was unhappy at school - poor thing, but hey, maybe I can put this to ex to see if he will agree to let me take them back for their education. Never mind that 12 months ago, I'd already agreed that we'll wait a few more years til they get older.
Son's behaviour is getting worse - OK, I was thinking, this is not good, maybe if I explain that this situation is affecting our son's behaviour, he'll agree and let me take them back to Australia so that they can settle down.
What I didn't consider, as people with BPD never do, was the reality. That, none of the above reasons is as important as the kids having their father around to influence them. That if i work at containing my moods, the situational tension doesn't impact as much and we can function like most other families. That ex can still get work from outside home to pay our expenses. That talking to the children about what's happening around them and spending more time with them instead of laying on the couch will help them to settle down and cope. And that with a few adjustments to the current situation (I get a car, a job and the freedom to travel to and from Australia), we can make this situation acceptable.
This is Borderline Personality Disorder mode (or emotional dysfunctionality). I feel strong, confident and most of all, RIGHT! I am the victim and ex is the one with the problem. Oh yes, I say that I know I have problems, but on the inside, I'm blaming him for not trying, for not being a better person. I catalog his behaviours and build my case. There, see how you did this and that and what a bad person you are too. I chart my own behaviours and look at how well I'm doing at keeping the house, getting the kids off to school and if I have a mood, well, who wouldn't be angry, look at how I'm living. Poor me. I blame it all on something else. I'm selfish and self centred. It's all about me.
The time has come to take responsibility for my own situation, instead of blaming it on something or someone else. I've been here before though and I always, always slip back. I need to step up to the plate myself and be the person that this situation needs. It's been a long 12 months since I got back from the extended stay. It's going to be a very long 3 years if I just keep thinking about what I want and what I think is best. I need to put my children's needs first so that they come out OK on the other end. Just because this is hard for me, doesn't mean it needs to be hard for them. It shouldn't be hard for them. They are just children and shouldn't have to deal with the big stuff yet.
People tell me I'm strong, but they don't see the weak, selfish parts of me. The mean parts that don't care about what ex's perspective is, that don't consider what will happen to the children if they lose their father at this stage of their lives. My empathy doesn't exist, hidden away and dominated by what I want and what I need. I can shamefully admit that my compassion for ex fades completely when I am like this and that I always feel justified in my anger and resentment. Never mind the toll this is taking on him. I want what I want, and I want it now.
I'm not giving in, though. I can make this work if I stay focussed and minimise the harm that these moods can do.
I've always had trouble going out of my comfort zone and when I was younger, my whole life was about staying within the realms of what I felt was right for me. Now I'm right out of my comfort zone in every way possible. I need to speak another language and instead of embracing the opportunity, I shun it and speak broken malay and pitiful chinese. I need to make use of my skills as a special education teacher but I've limited myself by not learning the language and not turning up as much as they need me to. I'm not anonymous here, being the only white female. But I resent it instead of working it to my advantage. By not embracing life here, I've just made it more difficult for myself. Now that I'm committed to the next three years, I can plan to turn this around. I can make a difference here and my kids can enjoy their time and have their father around. Then, when it comes time to go back, maybe we can all move back and ex and I can share custody and the kids will be OK, because they know that their parents love them and will move heaven and earth for them.
I'm going into bat for my kids. They deserve it. Cheer me on people, I'm going to need it. But don't feel sorry for me, I am not the victim.
Anwar is taking over the government - good, I'd think, now maybe if the racial tension gets bad enough, it will be a good reason to go home.
Ex asked to transfer some money - great I'd think, he's running out and won't be able to support us. I'll be able to go home, work and support the three of us.
My daughter was unhappy at school - poor thing, but hey, maybe I can put this to ex to see if he will agree to let me take them back for their education. Never mind that 12 months ago, I'd already agreed that we'll wait a few more years til they get older.
Son's behaviour is getting worse - OK, I was thinking, this is not good, maybe if I explain that this situation is affecting our son's behaviour, he'll agree and let me take them back to Australia so that they can settle down.
What I didn't consider, as people with BPD never do, was the reality. That, none of the above reasons is as important as the kids having their father around to influence them. That if i work at containing my moods, the situational tension doesn't impact as much and we can function like most other families. That ex can still get work from outside home to pay our expenses. That talking to the children about what's happening around them and spending more time with them instead of laying on the couch will help them to settle down and cope. And that with a few adjustments to the current situation (I get a car, a job and the freedom to travel to and from Australia), we can make this situation acceptable.
This is Borderline Personality Disorder mode (or emotional dysfunctionality). I feel strong, confident and most of all, RIGHT! I am the victim and ex is the one with the problem. Oh yes, I say that I know I have problems, but on the inside, I'm blaming him for not trying, for not being a better person. I catalog his behaviours and build my case. There, see how you did this and that and what a bad person you are too. I chart my own behaviours and look at how well I'm doing at keeping the house, getting the kids off to school and if I have a mood, well, who wouldn't be angry, look at how I'm living. Poor me. I blame it all on something else. I'm selfish and self centred. It's all about me.
The time has come to take responsibility for my own situation, instead of blaming it on something or someone else. I've been here before though and I always, always slip back. I need to step up to the plate myself and be the person that this situation needs. It's been a long 12 months since I got back from the extended stay. It's going to be a very long 3 years if I just keep thinking about what I want and what I think is best. I need to put my children's needs first so that they come out OK on the other end. Just because this is hard for me, doesn't mean it needs to be hard for them. It shouldn't be hard for them. They are just children and shouldn't have to deal with the big stuff yet.
People tell me I'm strong, but they don't see the weak, selfish parts of me. The mean parts that don't care about what ex's perspective is, that don't consider what will happen to the children if they lose their father at this stage of their lives. My empathy doesn't exist, hidden away and dominated by what I want and what I need. I can shamefully admit that my compassion for ex fades completely when I am like this and that I always feel justified in my anger and resentment. Never mind the toll this is taking on him. I want what I want, and I want it now.
I'm not giving in, though. I can make this work if I stay focussed and minimise the harm that these moods can do.
I've always had trouble going out of my comfort zone and when I was younger, my whole life was about staying within the realms of what I felt was right for me. Now I'm right out of my comfort zone in every way possible. I need to speak another language and instead of embracing the opportunity, I shun it and speak broken malay and pitiful chinese. I need to make use of my skills as a special education teacher but I've limited myself by not learning the language and not turning up as much as they need me to. I'm not anonymous here, being the only white female. But I resent it instead of working it to my advantage. By not embracing life here, I've just made it more difficult for myself. Now that I'm committed to the next three years, I can plan to turn this around. I can make a difference here and my kids can enjoy their time and have their father around. Then, when it comes time to go back, maybe we can all move back and ex and I can share custody and the kids will be OK, because they know that their parents love them and will move heaven and earth for them.
I'm going into bat for my kids. They deserve it. Cheer me on people, I'm going to need it. But don't feel sorry for me, I am not the victim.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
And the winner is....
Choice 3. Stay here and tough it out. I can't leave her or them. I would be miserable and their memories would be of me abandoning them at a young age. Choice 3, with a few conditions, is the only choice I can make.
Now I'm going to have coffee and chocolate strawberries with my two lovely children who are in the midst of making the background sets for a (pretend) movie - sorry, that's DVD/video - together. LOL. Life really does have it's wonderful moments, so I'm not always miserable here.
Now I'm going to have coffee and chocolate strawberries with my two lovely children who are in the midst of making the background sets for a (pretend) movie - sorry, that's DVD/video - together. LOL. Life really does have it's wonderful moments, so I'm not always miserable here.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Decisions
choice 1: Leave now, with son. Daughter will stay here with her father
choice 2: bus it down to Singapore with both kids and hop on the next plane to Melbourne. Traumatise kids and father badly, but get what I want.
choice 3:tough it out for 3 more really unhappy years and ex will let me take them back to melbourne to finish their education at the end of 2011. that gives him 3 more years with them to influence their growing up. Parents are, after all, the biggest influence in the children's lives.
choice 4: Just leave. Just me, no kids. Go to whereever I feel like going.
I wonder what choice other people would make.
My parents don't know this yet. I haven't told them and don't know how to tell them. If you read this and know them, please don't tell them.
choice 2: bus it down to Singapore with both kids and hop on the next plane to Melbourne. Traumatise kids and father badly, but get what I want.
choice 3:tough it out for 3 more really unhappy years and ex will let me take them back to melbourne to finish their education at the end of 2011. that gives him 3 more years with them to influence their growing up. Parents are, after all, the biggest influence in the children's lives.
choice 4: Just leave. Just me, no kids. Go to whereever I feel like going.
I wonder what choice other people would make.
My parents don't know this yet. I haven't told them and don't know how to tell them. If you read this and know them, please don't tell them.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Just life
- Poor son has a cold and is sleeping with mummy tonight because he is sick
- Daughter hates the teachers at school and the noisy, naughty boy who sits next to her.
- Ex is saying very little.
- We've had western food for dinner two nights in a row. Must. cook. rice. tomorrow.
- Daughter has another two hours of homework to finish before school tomorrow
- The house is a mess and I don't have the energy to clean it up
- My room is a mess
- Truth is, I don't want to clean up unless I'm packing.
- This Anwar take-over-the-government thing is giving me the shits. Hurry up and do it already so the rest of the country can get on with their lives.
- Close friends say Anwar is bluffing - he doesn't really have the numbers for a takeover, even though he says he has
- I want to rip into ex and tell him 'we have no future here, let me go home' - but I know that wouldn't be the best thing to do.
- Having a positive attitude is not making this easier. It really does seem to be getting harder.
- I needed half xanax today because I was angry with everyone. It worked surprisingly well.
- I'm frustrated because no matter how hard I try, I just cannot get my son to do any sort of 'homework' in order to build up his English skills. I'm sure he'll be fine though.
- My sis in law was nice enough to invite us to some lantern festival thing on Saturday night.
- Interviewed a potential new student today but told the mother to give her another 6 months. The little girl is only 2 and a half, so I said that not-talking at this age doesn't necessarily mean she has a problem.
- Went out for breakfast yesterday with another friend who I'm starting to see more regularly. My friend list has now expanded to 3. Woo-hoo.
- Went for lunch today and ate rice and curried lentils (dahl) off a banana leaf, accompanied by sweet, milky tea (teh tarik). Yummo.
- Despite the political turmoil in KL, things are quiet here. Life goes on as normal.
- I'm worried that next year when my son attends the chinese school his sister goes to, he'll get many more beatings (smacks on the hand with a ruler from the teacher) than she does and he'll end up hating school.
- One of my students parents took her son to KL for some speech therapy workshop and found out he knows more english than chinese. Score 1 for the Australian spec ed teacher that has been working with him for the last 6 or 7 months (that would be me).
- When it rains and the frogs croak it sounds like we live in the jungle.
- Damn mosquitos
- The Malaysian stock market keeps dropping - damn global economy.
- I've had 3 showers today - damn heat
- Damn internet connection keeps dropping out.
It's not about me
I think I figured it out. The reason we weren't able to stay in KL. It's number 1. So, not about me after all. The political situation here is dicey. The opposition party want to take over. The current ruling party are denying that they have a chance, even though they look like they have a very good chance. Stability will depend on how far the government is willing to go in order to retain the power that they have. In 1969, there were race riots. The malays against the Chinese and Indians. It stands as a shameful part of Malaysia's history. This link goes to a mirror site of this independent news source, as the original one is being blocked by the government. The Editor of this news site was one of those arrested under the Internal Security Act.
It's hard not to get caught up in all the fear and the talk. Not that I'm sitting at home locking all the windows or anything, but I do wonder what will happen. The Malaysian people are nice people. I'm sure they can see what's happening. I hope they can see the bullshit the government is putting out to convince the public that they are in control and Anwar is just bluffing. I don't think he is. I hope he's not. The government here is corrupt and the people want and need a change. But while the government is putting on a brave front in the face of a very real threat of their power being taken away from them, you have to wonder, how far will they go?
No wonder ex didn't / doesn't want to talk about this. It's a very good reason to pack up and leave. But seriously, we are not in any danger. None. I don't feel threatened and I'm sure if ex thought that there was any chance of us being hurt, he's drive us to Singapore and stick us on the plane himself. Now we'll just wait and see.
It's hard not to get caught up in all the fear and the talk. Not that I'm sitting at home locking all the windows or anything, but I do wonder what will happen. The Malaysian people are nice people. I'm sure they can see what's happening. I hope they can see the bullshit the government is putting out to convince the public that they are in control and Anwar is just bluffing. I don't think he is. I hope he's not. The government here is corrupt and the people want and need a change. But while the government is putting on a brave front in the face of a very real threat of their power being taken away from them, you have to wonder, how far will they go?
No wonder ex didn't / doesn't want to talk about this. It's a very good reason to pack up and leave. But seriously, we are not in any danger. None. I don't feel threatened and I'm sure if ex thought that there was any chance of us being hurt, he's drive us to Singapore and stick us on the plane himself. Now we'll just wait and see.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
xanax-less in KL
We had to go to KL. Had to. A matter of necessity, otherwise we would have stayed at home. I got up at 7am. It's my job to organise, his job to drive us there. In the car, the kids play and whine, eat breakfast and spill things. Argue, talk and play games. Ex and I do not speak, unless ex brings up something he wants to talk about. I've given up talking to him unless it's absolutely necessary. We both talk to the kids, on and off, so it sounds like we're a family.
But sounds and pictures are deceptive little buggers. The never tell the true story. Our sounds and pictures depict a normal family, but we are far from. We are tense, sad, happy, angry, confused and worst of all, divided. It's me and my son, ex and our daughter. But when ex isn't around or is unavailable, it's definitely the three of us, together.
Back to KL. Despite the drive, we weren't staying overnight, which caught me a little by surprise. And I couldn't just accept the decision without a good reason. Usually we stay overnight at ex's brother's place to catch up and rest. The kids play with their cousins and we have dinner together. It's all nice, or so I thought. But when I asked about why we weren't staying, ex went into stress containment mode. He said that he couldn't tell me because I'd spin it any which way I wanted to, so he's rather not tell me. Thing is, I'm going to make up a hundred different stories in my head anyway, so he's be better off telling me. Yadah, yadah, yadah, we talk for a while and ex says "I need to be able to make some decisions around here too and you have to trust me" Seeing the potential spiral flash in front of my eyes, I quickly reigned in my emotions and said "OK, I'll respect your decision. We won't stay and I won't make a fuss"
In my head, reasons for this decision were knocking around. This is what I came up with
1. Political unrest, possible riots in KL, therefore danger lurking.
2. We're so badly behaved, he can't bear to take us to his brothers' anymore because we're embarrassing.
3. We didn't say a proper thankyou to them for buying us a discounted weekend in Kuantan. How do you say thankyou for nightmare and possibly the worst family holiday ever.
4. We're too messy - we are a bit untidy, but we always clean up after ourselves.
5. They hate me for making ex's life a misery.
6. Ex is pissed off with them because last time we were there, my sis in law was a little frosty and short with us and we didn't feel very welcome at all.
7. They've got better things to do than accomodate us at a days' notice.
Ahh the stories. I wonder which one it was. I'm betting on reason number 2. But then again, it may not be about me. As ex is fond of telling me, "It's not always about you".
But I digress. Three hours later, we're in KL. With xanax tucked away safely in my purse, we proceeded to a shop that provides orthopedic services. My son, again, has a problem with his feet. He has hyper extensive ligaments throughout his whole body and as a result, an ankle that pronates (leans inwards) and a severely collapsed arch. End result, he needs custom made othotics for his shoes.
Now the preparation for this trip had been to contact a particular shop (that provides orthopedic services) to make sure that they could provide what my son needs. I even sent photos via email to one of their experienced staff members so that I could make sure they were the right people to help us. They weren't. There I was, 3 hours from home, being told that my son would require a much stronger support than the one they could provide and that we needed to see a podiatrist instead who would then make an insole from carbon fibre. Podiatrist on a sunday? No way.
Look out, stress coming, breathe, breathe, breathe!
But then things got better - for a while. A few deep breaths later, I said thankyou to the guy for his time and went to another orthopedic services shop, which by chance had opened up since we'd been there last. Ex had found it while I was in the other shop. Normally I'd by in such a state of stress, I wouldn't even consider going in, but I was OK so stopped by and found out that these people not only make carbon fibre, corrective insoles, but can make them there and then and they were cheaper by RM 160 (AUD $50.00). AND, I was able to pick them up a few hours later. Way to go, German technology.
Now the bad news. The RM 220 I'd spent 4 days earlier on good sports shoes and temporary inserts for my son (as per advice from the first shop), was wasted. The shoes weren't good enough. When buying good shoes for children, you need a strong back and the backs of these shoes collapsed slightly when we pressed them together. Not good. I should have waited. I was impatient. I knew we were going to KL on the Sunday, but ex said 'you make the decision (about whether to buy him new shoes then or to wait), and I did. I bought them and they look really good. The temporary inserts seemed to straighten his ankle a little so I thought I'd done well. NO! Ex couldn't keep the "I told you so" look out of his eyes. He said he didn't say anything, I said he didn't have to. It's amazing the communication you can do with just your eyes.
Again, the potential to get really stressed out over having made yet another mistake. When I'm with ex, my mistakes are glaring horrible things that threaten to tear me down to a whimpering mess. But I couldn't go there. Over lunch, willing my voice to be strong and sure, I said, "ex, I was wrong, you were right. I should have waited to buy (son's) shoes, but I was impatient and made a bad decision. I'll pay for his shoes." He acknowledged me with just a look and it was over.
Facing mistakes is one of the things I find hardest and has been a major bone of contention in our relationship. I've even got a book called "Mistakes were made, but not by me" about why humans find it necessary to cover up or minimise their mistakes. Good book and I learned a lot from it.
So, after lunch, we went to the book shop to hang around while the insoles were being made. I LOVE bookshops, especially buying books for the kids. I always let them buy something, I can't help myself. children's literature is my main weakness. Some women buy clothes and /or shoes, I buy books. I love to read myself, but don't get the opportunity much. When I'm earning money, books will be what I spend it on - and a car and a house and a computer and a gym membership so I can take up Pilates again.
At the bookshop, daughter got to participate in a Roald Dahl storytelling workshop, which she really enjoyed. She's enjoyed only 4 of his books, but we will get through them all, one day.
After we'd collected the insoles, I wanted to go shopping at Cold Storage. It's the Safeway of KL and while I hate Safeway, I love Cold Storage. It's upmarket unfortunately, with prices to match. No matter, I'd packed the esky so that I could buy meat to take home (save me buying it from Giant and the local pork man with his dirty old truck). And buy I did. Mince chicken, mince beef, fish fillet, pork fillet and pork mince. The meat display was beautiful. Then, button mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, Australian chat potatoes and 1 bag of ice. I could have bought more, but I was being mindful of the money situation. With my meat packed away safely in the esky, I was a happy shopper, all thoughts of mistakes and wasting money gone.
So off to the next shopping centre to buy son another, better pair of shoes and to have dinner before the long drive home. Now, on the weekends, about 90% of malaysians go shopping - it's what they do. They shop and shop and shop. So parking is an absolute bitch. Really. We were lucky this time though, we only had to drive around for 10 minutes before we spotted someone leaving and snaffled the car space before anyone else could.
Dinner was easy, though I could see ex getting stressed out over son's eating skills. He's a kids for god's sake, leave him alone (I shouted to myself in my head). After that, we shopped for shoes and bought the last pair in the last shop we'd found. RM 189 worth of gorgeous Adidas running shoes, with a strong back and enough room inside for our precious insoles (RM499).
We did it. Insoles, shoes, meat, 2 shopping centres and we were still intact and I was not sprialling, no where near it in fact. AND, I'm very proud to say, I did it all without xanax.
Phew!
But sounds and pictures are deceptive little buggers. The never tell the true story. Our sounds and pictures depict a normal family, but we are far from. We are tense, sad, happy, angry, confused and worst of all, divided. It's me and my son, ex and our daughter. But when ex isn't around or is unavailable, it's definitely the three of us, together.
Back to KL. Despite the drive, we weren't staying overnight, which caught me a little by surprise. And I couldn't just accept the decision without a good reason. Usually we stay overnight at ex's brother's place to catch up and rest. The kids play with their cousins and we have dinner together. It's all nice, or so I thought. But when I asked about why we weren't staying, ex went into stress containment mode. He said that he couldn't tell me because I'd spin it any which way I wanted to, so he's rather not tell me. Thing is, I'm going to make up a hundred different stories in my head anyway, so he's be better off telling me. Yadah, yadah, yadah, we talk for a while and ex says "I need to be able to make some decisions around here too and you have to trust me" Seeing the potential spiral flash in front of my eyes, I quickly reigned in my emotions and said "OK, I'll respect your decision. We won't stay and I won't make a fuss"
In my head, reasons for this decision were knocking around. This is what I came up with
1. Political unrest, possible riots in KL, therefore danger lurking.
2. We're so badly behaved, he can't bear to take us to his brothers' anymore because we're embarrassing.
3. We didn't say a proper thankyou to them for buying us a discounted weekend in Kuantan. How do you say thankyou for nightmare and possibly the worst family holiday ever.
4. We're too messy - we are a bit untidy, but we always clean up after ourselves.
5. They hate me for making ex's life a misery.
6. Ex is pissed off with them because last time we were there, my sis in law was a little frosty and short with us and we didn't feel very welcome at all.
7. They've got better things to do than accomodate us at a days' notice.
Ahh the stories. I wonder which one it was. I'm betting on reason number 2. But then again, it may not be about me. As ex is fond of telling me, "It's not always about you".
But I digress. Three hours later, we're in KL. With xanax tucked away safely in my purse, we proceeded to a shop that provides orthopedic services. My son, again, has a problem with his feet. He has hyper extensive ligaments throughout his whole body and as a result, an ankle that pronates (leans inwards) and a severely collapsed arch. End result, he needs custom made othotics for his shoes.
Now the preparation for this trip had been to contact a particular shop (that provides orthopedic services) to make sure that they could provide what my son needs. I even sent photos via email to one of their experienced staff members so that I could make sure they were the right people to help us. They weren't. There I was, 3 hours from home, being told that my son would require a much stronger support than the one they could provide and that we needed to see a podiatrist instead who would then make an insole from carbon fibre. Podiatrist on a sunday? No way.
Look out, stress coming, breathe, breathe, breathe!
But then things got better - for a while. A few deep breaths later, I said thankyou to the guy for his time and went to another orthopedic services shop, which by chance had opened up since we'd been there last. Ex had found it while I was in the other shop. Normally I'd by in such a state of stress, I wouldn't even consider going in, but I was OK so stopped by and found out that these people not only make carbon fibre, corrective insoles, but can make them there and then and they were cheaper by RM 160 (AUD $50.00). AND, I was able to pick them up a few hours later. Way to go, German technology.
Now the bad news. The RM 220 I'd spent 4 days earlier on good sports shoes and temporary inserts for my son (as per advice from the first shop), was wasted. The shoes weren't good enough. When buying good shoes for children, you need a strong back and the backs of these shoes collapsed slightly when we pressed them together. Not good. I should have waited. I was impatient. I knew we were going to KL on the Sunday, but ex said 'you make the decision (about whether to buy him new shoes then or to wait), and I did. I bought them and they look really good. The temporary inserts seemed to straighten his ankle a little so I thought I'd done well. NO! Ex couldn't keep the "I told you so" look out of his eyes. He said he didn't say anything, I said he didn't have to. It's amazing the communication you can do with just your eyes.
Again, the potential to get really stressed out over having made yet another mistake. When I'm with ex, my mistakes are glaring horrible things that threaten to tear me down to a whimpering mess. But I couldn't go there. Over lunch, willing my voice to be strong and sure, I said, "ex, I was wrong, you were right. I should have waited to buy (son's) shoes, but I was impatient and made a bad decision. I'll pay for his shoes." He acknowledged me with just a look and it was over.
Facing mistakes is one of the things I find hardest and has been a major bone of contention in our relationship. I've even got a book called "Mistakes were made, but not by me" about why humans find it necessary to cover up or minimise their mistakes. Good book and I learned a lot from it.
So, after lunch, we went to the book shop to hang around while the insoles were being made. I LOVE bookshops, especially buying books for the kids. I always let them buy something, I can't help myself. children's literature is my main weakness. Some women buy clothes and /or shoes, I buy books. I love to read myself, but don't get the opportunity much. When I'm earning money, books will be what I spend it on - and a car and a house and a computer and a gym membership so I can take up Pilates again.
At the bookshop, daughter got to participate in a Roald Dahl storytelling workshop, which she really enjoyed. She's enjoyed only 4 of his books, but we will get through them all, one day.
After we'd collected the insoles, I wanted to go shopping at Cold Storage. It's the Safeway of KL and while I hate Safeway, I love Cold Storage. It's upmarket unfortunately, with prices to match. No matter, I'd packed the esky so that I could buy meat to take home (save me buying it from Giant and the local pork man with his dirty old truck). And buy I did. Mince chicken, mince beef, fish fillet, pork fillet and pork mince. The meat display was beautiful. Then, button mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, Australian chat potatoes and 1 bag of ice. I could have bought more, but I was being mindful of the money situation. With my meat packed away safely in the esky, I was a happy shopper, all thoughts of mistakes and wasting money gone.
So off to the next shopping centre to buy son another, better pair of shoes and to have dinner before the long drive home. Now, on the weekends, about 90% of malaysians go shopping - it's what they do. They shop and shop and shop. So parking is an absolute bitch. Really. We were lucky this time though, we only had to drive around for 10 minutes before we spotted someone leaving and snaffled the car space before anyone else could.
Dinner was easy, though I could see ex getting stressed out over son's eating skills. He's a kids for god's sake, leave him alone (I shouted to myself in my head). After that, we shopped for shoes and bought the last pair in the last shop we'd found. RM 189 worth of gorgeous Adidas running shoes, with a strong back and enough room inside for our precious insoles (RM499).
We did it. Insoles, shoes, meat, 2 shopping centres and we were still intact and I was not sprialling, no where near it in fact. AND, I'm very proud to say, I did it all without xanax.
Phew!
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