Life is quite good right now, on this warm day. The breeze is blowing, though it's tarnished by someone burning off close by. It's Thursday and we are getting ready for our trip to KL. The kids are on holidays and while I was hoping to spend a one or two days in KL, ex is saying we should make the most of it and go for most of the week. He will drop us off and pick us up later.
Initially I was quite surprised that he would want us to go for that long. He's never suggested it before. Perhaps he did this time because he thought I'd handle the stressful bits better. Perhaps because he wants time to himself. Whatever! I'm not going to buy into my own behaviour and torture myself with WHY. It doesn't matter. The kids and I are going to KL and we're going to have fun.
We are going to stay with ex's Aunty, who's more like a friend really. She's a high paid executive with a fantastic new condo with the works - swimming pool, Gloria Jean's coffee house and mini mart at the bottom of the complex and best of all, a shuttle bus that goes to the mall. I don't know which one, but I don't care. We're going to hang out for hours in the bookstores at "The Curve" a shopping mall close by to where we used to live. We're going to eat pizza at Vivo's and Japanese food for dinner - my son likes the 'Japanese' fries - this restaurant has kids meals and they serve fries with it - hence the fries there are Japanese and healthy. We're going to play at some indoor playgrounds and hopefully visit the kids theme park at Berjaya Times square. We're going night shopping and swimming at Sunway Lagoon, a water park which is conveniently close to one of ex's relatives. She's very nice, though not long ago lost her husband to cancer - he was 34. Now she's concerned that their son, 2, may have autism and would like me to observe him. I'm happy to help her. She's been through so much.
On our last trip to KL, we saw her and she asked me then if I thought he was autistic. I was careful not to say anything too dramatic and hedged around the issue a bit, but also careful not to be too dismissive of her concerns. Mother's instincts are usually right, so said a bit of this and a bit of that. I then made the mistake of telling ex what she'd asked me to do and he responded by telling me to be careful about these things, sighing and then telling me again how careful I have to be because you know how people are. I walked away and wondered why I'd bothered, remembering in the past how he'd always tell me how to do things without really asking me what my response was and just assuming that I'd stuffed it up. I hated that so much and having the freedom to walk away from that kind of response and not give a damn about what he thinks has been really liberating, allowing me to interact with other people and having more confidence than I've had in a long time.
I feel like I've reached a milestone in not caring about what he says and thinks. Of course, I care that he thinks I'm a good mother because now, that is our only connection. But for the rest of it, what he thinks doesn't matter. I'm the one who keeps tabs on me now and I put pressure on myself to be the best 'me' - allowing for the 'situation' of course.
So I'm packing for a week. There's lots to pack but hopefully it'll fit into my smaller suitcase. Otherwise it'll look like I've gone over the top. And I've still got two classes until I'm officially on holidays. This month I have a new student starting with my English class, which I've decide to move out of the back 'class' room to the front of the house. We have a big living room, which we only use half of as a tv room. The other half is for storage and ironing. While I'm away, ex is going to install a proper whiteboard on the wall and move our 'dining' table, which we never use and which sits in the small dining room I use as a laundry, to the front to be used as the students work table. I'll put my teacher's chair nearby, a small table or bookshelf for my stuff, a mat on the floor and hey presto, a classroom will be born. With this arrangement I can fit my two kids and six other students into this class. Oh yes, I need soemthing for the cd player because we sing - well, I don't but I get the kids to - it's good for fluency, reading (I give them the lyrics), pronunciation and it's FUN. Believe it or not, I get most of my songs from the Wiggles first two albums - yummy yummy and big red car and a playschool songs cd, which my kids have had since they were babies. The songs on these albums are classics, easy to understand and have a good simple melody. I'll try Hi5 later in the year. What fun - we may even put on a concert for the parents. That'd be interesting - to teach and to watch.
See, it's not all bad and ex, this past week or two, has been incredibly supportive, helping out with the housework (dishes, because my hands are raw and itchy from my allergies, even though I no longer have contact with detergent) and getting stuff around the house fixed up. It's funny, this is a side of him I haven't seen in a very long time. I hope it's because he feels happier. I want him to be happy and productive. And i could go on and on about it, but alas, it's midnight and time to read and plan for tomorrow.
I don't have a bad life, not at all - that's my mantra right now - I have a good life. Better than a lot of people's and if I stay positive, the only way to go is UP!.
Goodnight, my friends who read this, I'm so glad to have you.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
So how are things going for you?
Simple question, yes? No. I was trying to gauge whether ex was stressed out or not, given that he'd spent most of his time in his room these past few days. Answer to question was "Well, it's hard to tell you because there are issues of trust, appropriateness and whether you can handle stuff or not, so lets not go there. We'll stick to talking about the simple things." My reply - "OK, that's it then, seeya" and I walked out.
I could let this melt me down. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Sitting there like a drama-queen, waiting to pounce and create a spectacular, attention-getting meltdown. I can't let it, even though I know I would love to scream at him about him being condescending and what the fuck have I been doing all this time anyway, trying not to meltdown - where has it got me, NOWHERE! Nothing I EVER do will change me in his eyes. Never, nothing.
That's what my egotistical mind is saying. And I know how unreasonable the above sounds and I make it sound like I'm doing all this for him and his damn approval. So where to from here.
There's only one thing for it. Not tapping, though I might try that later if the pit of my stomach doesn't settle. The solution is to turn away and not buy into the emotion of it all. Pay it no attention and IT WILL PASS and then things will go back to normal. Simple, yes? Easier said than done. So I distract myself with all manner of things - Adam Lambert being among those things that are successful in turning my mind away from all things negative. I play with the kids, I read to them, I watch tv and try to cook and as I'm setting out his (ex) dinner, I think that although I don't have to do those things, I do them for the good of our family atmosphere, in the same way he iron's my clothes.
So... onto other matters. I made my daughter cry today because I got angry at both of them. They'd been playing on my computer and then decided that they'd like to jump on my bed and hurl a few things around the room. Boy, did I lose it. And while I'm telling them off, my daughter thought the whole thing was a joke - and that really pushed my buttons. So I talked to both of them about how something like that can really hurt a person's feelings and that they shouldn't be using my room as a playground etc. I was visibly mad at them because they treat my stuff like well, like kids treat stuff. I know this sounds like I'm over-reacting, but honestly, I can tell them ten times quietly not to do something, but if I raise my voice a little, or a lot, then they stop and listen. And I've tried every other damn quiet way to tell them, positively (gee, I like the way your sitting quietly at my computer) and negatively (DON'T JUMP ON THE BED!). For the moment, the raised voice works, though I'll try to use it sparingly.
Anyway, after they'd had their talking to, my daughter was still crying and when I probed as to why, I finally got her to tell me that she thinks I'm going to leave now. That's the precedent I've set for her - when I get angry, I leave and she's left behind. Rather than just tell her I wasn't going to leave, I decided to go into a little more detail about why I left before. I said that at that time, I wasn't feel very well in my mind and the only way I could get better was to be with my family. She felt bad for me and cried some more, until my reassurances that it worked and I was feeling better now finally got through. I wonder if one day she will understand and whether it will make a difference. I hope she can see it, though if she doesn't, I'll accept it and do whatever I can to reassure her that I won't leave her like that again. I feel terrible about leaving her, but I knew at the time, leaving was my only option. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have left - I would have found some other way to deal with what I was feeling.
However, we all know how wonderful hindsight is. That said, she seemed to recover OK and we had a pleasant dinner, which elicited the following exchange between my son and I:
Son: Hey mum, I don't see bean and onions. I see lemon pepper chicken but are we NOT having beans and onions?
Me: No, not tonight, I thought we'd have a break from beans and onions (according to my kids, we have beans and onions every night)
Son: Ahhh, that's the life! Walks away happy and relaxed.
I'm still a little worried about him. He's just so 'quirky' and fixated on things. All he talks about is school, teachers, their timetables (he knows his and my daughter's school timetable off the top of his head and knows some of the timetables of other classes too. I told his maths teacher this and she has a new respect for his abilities).
Then yesterday I was asking him why, if he could follow the rules at school, why couldn't he follow them at home. His answer "well, there are millions of workers in my brain, and that's why my brain is so big and the workers are bad workers and they make me jump around"
Me: They do?
Him: Yes, and when I put on my uniform, well those workers hate school so on the way they jump out and then I can follow the rules. But when I'm home, they're back in my head.
It's almost like he controls himself all day long and then, when he gets home, he just explodes. I know of an autistic kid that does this. At school, he doesn't flap his hands at all but when he gets home, he flaps so badly, his can't concentrate on anything else. This is what my son is like. That and the talking. The boy never shuts up - never. Except when he's sleeping. I hope when he's older I can channel his energies into something constructive.
My biggest worry for him is that he feels like we're telling him what to do all the time - or rather, what not to do. It'll affect his self esteem in the same way it affected mine. He won't feel accepted and he'll feel like he's the naughty one. And his sister is so tired of having to battle him all the time to get some things to go her way - he's rude to her (and us somtimes), he's stubborn and obsessed and just wants things his way and she's losing her patience. I have to teach her that while it's OK to tell him what he's doing wrong sometimes we just have to accept him for who he is so that he feels like we love him.
Even I have to work at that, because I can see it in his demeanour that with everyone telling him what not to do, it makes him feel like we love him less. And that of course leads to him saying things like "I wish you didn't born me mummy, I wish in the year 2000, I didn't come out of you" and "can't you just create me another sister because this one's being rude to me".
When I read it, it sounds cute and funny, but hearing it is quite different. It's heart breaking because I know from personal experience what he's going through. I just hope I can make it better. Maybe, in the spirit of "you're having this experience because you need to have it", I'm the one that's going to help him because I know what it's like to be him and I know what I need to teach him so that he can control himself better and be better at doing things with other people.
We all have a purpose and for the moment, I think I've found mine.
I could let this melt me down. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Sitting there like a drama-queen, waiting to pounce and create a spectacular, attention-getting meltdown. I can't let it, even though I know I would love to scream at him about him being condescending and what the fuck have I been doing all this time anyway, trying not to meltdown - where has it got me, NOWHERE! Nothing I EVER do will change me in his eyes. Never, nothing.
That's what my egotistical mind is saying. And I know how unreasonable the above sounds and I make it sound like I'm doing all this for him and his damn approval. So where to from here.
There's only one thing for it. Not tapping, though I might try that later if the pit of my stomach doesn't settle. The solution is to turn away and not buy into the emotion of it all. Pay it no attention and IT WILL PASS and then things will go back to normal. Simple, yes? Easier said than done. So I distract myself with all manner of things - Adam Lambert being among those things that are successful in turning my mind away from all things negative. I play with the kids, I read to them, I watch tv and try to cook and as I'm setting out his (ex) dinner, I think that although I don't have to do those things, I do them for the good of our family atmosphere, in the same way he iron's my clothes.
So... onto other matters. I made my daughter cry today because I got angry at both of them. They'd been playing on my computer and then decided that they'd like to jump on my bed and hurl a few things around the room. Boy, did I lose it. And while I'm telling them off, my daughter thought the whole thing was a joke - and that really pushed my buttons. So I talked to both of them about how something like that can really hurt a person's feelings and that they shouldn't be using my room as a playground etc. I was visibly mad at them because they treat my stuff like well, like kids treat stuff. I know this sounds like I'm over-reacting, but honestly, I can tell them ten times quietly not to do something, but if I raise my voice a little, or a lot, then they stop and listen. And I've tried every other damn quiet way to tell them, positively (gee, I like the way your sitting quietly at my computer) and negatively (DON'T JUMP ON THE BED!). For the moment, the raised voice works, though I'll try to use it sparingly.
Anyway, after they'd had their talking to, my daughter was still crying and when I probed as to why, I finally got her to tell me that she thinks I'm going to leave now. That's the precedent I've set for her - when I get angry, I leave and she's left behind. Rather than just tell her I wasn't going to leave, I decided to go into a little more detail about why I left before. I said that at that time, I wasn't feel very well in my mind and the only way I could get better was to be with my family. She felt bad for me and cried some more, until my reassurances that it worked and I was feeling better now finally got through. I wonder if one day she will understand and whether it will make a difference. I hope she can see it, though if she doesn't, I'll accept it and do whatever I can to reassure her that I won't leave her like that again. I feel terrible about leaving her, but I knew at the time, leaving was my only option. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have left - I would have found some other way to deal with what I was feeling.
However, we all know how wonderful hindsight is. That said, she seemed to recover OK and we had a pleasant dinner, which elicited the following exchange between my son and I:
Son: Hey mum, I don't see bean and onions. I see lemon pepper chicken but are we NOT having beans and onions?
Me: No, not tonight, I thought we'd have a break from beans and onions (according to my kids, we have beans and onions every night)
Son: Ahhh, that's the life! Walks away happy and relaxed.
I'm still a little worried about him. He's just so 'quirky' and fixated on things. All he talks about is school, teachers, their timetables (he knows his and my daughter's school timetable off the top of his head and knows some of the timetables of other classes too. I told his maths teacher this and she has a new respect for his abilities).
Then yesterday I was asking him why, if he could follow the rules at school, why couldn't he follow them at home. His answer "well, there are millions of workers in my brain, and that's why my brain is so big and the workers are bad workers and they make me jump around"
Me: They do?
Him: Yes, and when I put on my uniform, well those workers hate school so on the way they jump out and then I can follow the rules. But when I'm home, they're back in my head.
It's almost like he controls himself all day long and then, when he gets home, he just explodes. I know of an autistic kid that does this. At school, he doesn't flap his hands at all but when he gets home, he flaps so badly, his can't concentrate on anything else. This is what my son is like. That and the talking. The boy never shuts up - never. Except when he's sleeping. I hope when he's older I can channel his energies into something constructive.
My biggest worry for him is that he feels like we're telling him what to do all the time - or rather, what not to do. It'll affect his self esteem in the same way it affected mine. He won't feel accepted and he'll feel like he's the naughty one. And his sister is so tired of having to battle him all the time to get some things to go her way - he's rude to her (and us somtimes), he's stubborn and obsessed and just wants things his way and she's losing her patience. I have to teach her that while it's OK to tell him what he's doing wrong sometimes we just have to accept him for who he is so that he feels like we love him.
Even I have to work at that, because I can see it in his demeanour that with everyone telling him what not to do, it makes him feel like we love him less. And that of course leads to him saying things like "I wish you didn't born me mummy, I wish in the year 2000, I didn't come out of you" and "can't you just create me another sister because this one's being rude to me".
When I read it, it sounds cute and funny, but hearing it is quite different. It's heart breaking because I know from personal experience what he's going through. I just hope I can make it better. Maybe, in the spirit of "you're having this experience because you need to have it", I'm the one that's going to help him because I know what it's like to be him and I know what I need to teach him so that he can control himself better and be better at doing things with other people.
We all have a purpose and for the moment, I think I've found mine.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Still here...wanting what I don't want.
Still wishing I was somewhere else, but not dwelling on it. Well trying not to. I remember some time ago, when I had the last serious meltdown and I was really wanting to reconcile with ex, just to make all the pain go away and of course, so we could spare our kids the pain to come in the future. Somewhere in that conversation, I remember ex telling me "don't come to me again when you're having a meltdown because I don't want to know - I can't handle it." I said I couldn't either.
And since that day, I haven't. I've had moods and crappy days, but nothing close to resembling what I'd done that day. I often wonder why this is. Did I finally understand that this was it - that neither of us could put up with the 'behaviour' any longer? Or did something else happen? I think about that day, on and off and I can feel the switch going off in my head - the switch that told me to just stop it - you can't have meltdowns anymore. You just can't, no matter how desperate you are, no matter how you feel, you just can't.
I think I also see that conversation as the last piece of hope for us drifting away. The words "an there are other people's feelings involved" often run around in my head. There was a finality to it all that had not been present in any of our other conversations. That was it, we were finished, finally... now lets do the best we can to get through this.
I don't even know why I'm thinking about all of this, when I've vowed to myself not to. It's almost like it's been knocking at the door, wanting to come in and be recognised and I've been doing everything possible to ignore it. Instead of confronting it, I've been reading news, checking email, reading more stuff, listening to and watching Adam Lambert on the American Idol website (I swear, that man reminds me of Elvis) and I've been really pushing myself to do more stuff around the house. Just so I don't have to face it. In free moments, and I have a lot of them, this issue always comes back. Knock, knock, knock, just fucking go away!!!
Interestingly, I haven't tapped (EFT) on this issue. Maybe I want it there, maybe I want my life to be a drama - because if I didn't, why would I be still thinking about it? The tapping guy, Robert Whathisface, on youtube, says that most of us get what we don't want because we spend so much time thinking about just that - what we don't want, instead of focussing on what we do (want). Makes sense, especially if you apply the laws of attraction, which I do believe in.
Tonihgt, my daughter and I showed my son how, if you relax and think about what you want and you have a good 'spirit' (mood, thoughts) in your heart, it will come. We were playing Monopoly Junior and my son was losing and not being happy about it, was considering cheating - we knew that because of the way he started counting and then trying to move his piece to where he wanted it to be. So we told him if you're happy for other people when good things happen, the same thing will happen to you and you will get more money. At this point, I was 'praying' it would work, just to prove the concept to him and you know what? It did, he relaxed a little and we encouraged him to congratulate his sister when good things happened to her and he started winning and eventually came second. So the lesson is, think about what you do want, not what you don't.
(Except that I know that I can think all I want about reconciliation here and I know I'm not going to get it - but I think that's just telling me it's time to move on - great! you try it and see how easy it's not).
Another late night. When I'm asleep, I'm good, but getting there is the hard bit these days. Don't know why. Mr Scorpio, thanks for the SMS the other day, it made my day. See, two words from you and I'm happy as I'll ever be! :)
And since that day, I haven't. I've had moods and crappy days, but nothing close to resembling what I'd done that day. I often wonder why this is. Did I finally understand that this was it - that neither of us could put up with the 'behaviour' any longer? Or did something else happen? I think about that day, on and off and I can feel the switch going off in my head - the switch that told me to just stop it - you can't have meltdowns anymore. You just can't, no matter how desperate you are, no matter how you feel, you just can't.
I think I also see that conversation as the last piece of hope for us drifting away. The words "an there are other people's feelings involved" often run around in my head. There was a finality to it all that had not been present in any of our other conversations. That was it, we were finished, finally... now lets do the best we can to get through this.
I don't even know why I'm thinking about all of this, when I've vowed to myself not to. It's almost like it's been knocking at the door, wanting to come in and be recognised and I've been doing everything possible to ignore it. Instead of confronting it, I've been reading news, checking email, reading more stuff, listening to and watching Adam Lambert on the American Idol website (I swear, that man reminds me of Elvis) and I've been really pushing myself to do more stuff around the house. Just so I don't have to face it. In free moments, and I have a lot of them, this issue always comes back. Knock, knock, knock, just fucking go away!!!
Interestingly, I haven't tapped (EFT) on this issue. Maybe I want it there, maybe I want my life to be a drama - because if I didn't, why would I be still thinking about it? The tapping guy, Robert Whathisface, on youtube, says that most of us get what we don't want because we spend so much time thinking about just that - what we don't want, instead of focussing on what we do (want). Makes sense, especially if you apply the laws of attraction, which I do believe in.
Tonihgt, my daughter and I showed my son how, if you relax and think about what you want and you have a good 'spirit' (mood, thoughts) in your heart, it will come. We were playing Monopoly Junior and my son was losing and not being happy about it, was considering cheating - we knew that because of the way he started counting and then trying to move his piece to where he wanted it to be. So we told him if you're happy for other people when good things happen, the same thing will happen to you and you will get more money. At this point, I was 'praying' it would work, just to prove the concept to him and you know what? It did, he relaxed a little and we encouraged him to congratulate his sister when good things happened to her and he started winning and eventually came second. So the lesson is, think about what you do want, not what you don't.
(Except that I know that I can think all I want about reconciliation here and I know I'm not going to get it - but I think that's just telling me it's time to move on - great! you try it and see how easy it's not).
Another late night. When I'm asleep, I'm good, but getting there is the hard bit these days. Don't know why. Mr Scorpio, thanks for the SMS the other day, it made my day. See, two words from you and I'm happy as I'll ever be! :)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Positive Weekend
It's been a good weekend. As I sit here, I'm reflecting on all the good things that have happened this weekend and in the previous weeks, which I will continue to make happen.
~ Got loads of housework done - washing, floors, cleaned the stove, wiped the cupboards, and most importantly of all, got the kids room spotless - no more dust, junk or rubbish. There are clean sheets, the toys and books are organised and even under the beds is clean.
~ The kids and I had a lovely few days to ourselves while ex was away - we went to KFC (their favourite fast food) for dinner on Thursday night, then they got to come to work with me where they always ace the worksheets I give my class. Most importantly I handled the 'ex is going away' issue very well. There was little emotion attached to his going away this time. Previously I'd go to pieces when he left, recover and be normal for a few days and then go to pieces again on the day he was due back. Not this time, but that's not to say it will never happen again. It may. But I will build on this, remember it and do it again. Do what works. Keep myself busy and emotionally detached from the whole thing and I'll be fine.
~ I'm also starting to be able to interact with ex on a 'more than civil' level and not get all emotional about what our relationship is now. Previously, I'd start to think about getting back together and say to myself "look how well we're getting on now, why can't we blah, blah, blah" - but now, not so much. Being able to do this is so important to me because I want our children to see that we treat each other well and with warmth and caring - not like two robots just living in the same house and tolerating each other.
~ Exam results are in and the kids passed with C's, B's and a few A's. We're just waiting for English exam results - I'm sure they'll get A's. My son is sure he'll get 100% - I like his confidence.
~ Managed to drop into the austistic centre twice last week. I've told them I can't help out as much these days and they really are doing quite well on their own. I need the extra time to read, think, and just be. It's the exact reason I didn't want to take a job with them.
~ Have decided to fly with Emirates Airlines for our trip home after finding out that you have to pay extra for entertainment - 30 Ringgit per person and that's just for tv. Outrageous. No thanks. We need tv and entertainment and all the other things that come with an airline that provides service.
~ My old friend, whom I emailed a few weeks back has returned my emails. Nice to have new old friends.
~ My best friend from Melbourne and I talked on the phone for an hour yesterday. I joked to her that I needed at least 10 ringgit credit and a spare hour to talk to her - anything less and I don't even consider calling her because it's just not enough. The kids were good and gave me the space. She's dealing with lots of stuff too - just bought her own house, separated from her husband of a few years and now has to sort out all the co-parenting stuff as well as deal with all the 'cons' of being single - the loneliness being on the top of that list. I can relate oh so well. Had to hang up when the signal started breaking up thanks to low batteries. Next time I'll have to have a spare handy.
~ My dad continues to do well. He's getting regular exercise on the treadmill and sounds happier everytime I ring him.
~ My kids played well together all day today. They are playing a continuos imaginary game called - schools! My only concern is that they will lose some of their books, but it's a good game because my son gets to practice his chinese and it keeps them occupied for hours.
~ Got blonde foils in my hair today and I actually like it because this time my hairdresser (Teddy - that's his name) went out on limb and did a combination of blonds. I think that he's knows I'm a quite conservative person and always tones down the colour, even though I ask him not to. Last time he did foils for me, I could hardly see it. So anyway, today I like it, the light colours brighten me up a bit.
~ We finally got some gardening done on Saturday and filled a big black bag with weeds and rubbish from around the house. I was a little surprised at how much there was. We spent about 2 hours doing the garden, which is a long time, given that our garden consists of concrete and one garden bed. There were lots of weeds in the drains though, that needed to be pulled out and the garden bed is full of weeds and grass, with a little bit of vegie growing at the end. This vege is actually very good - we call it kang kong - it's a green leaf that you stir fry with some garlic, dried shrimp and soy sauce. I planted it ages ago but then it got attacked by insects and after that I didn't want to eat it, so my mom in law came and cut it all and took it home. Since then, I haven't seen it. This time I'll see if I can cut it before the insects come, because it does cook up well.
So there you have it, I feel happy-ish and reasonably settled. Ex is helping out around the house with the dishes, the ironing and washing the kids shoes, so that's a good thing and so far he hasn't had to 'pay' for it with me melting down. I've been trying really hard to just stay focused on the positives and it's paying off. I live in the present and don't let myself contemplate the future at all. It's how I need to live.
~ Got loads of housework done - washing, floors, cleaned the stove, wiped the cupboards, and most importantly of all, got the kids room spotless - no more dust, junk or rubbish. There are clean sheets, the toys and books are organised and even under the beds is clean.
~ The kids and I had a lovely few days to ourselves while ex was away - we went to KFC (their favourite fast food) for dinner on Thursday night, then they got to come to work with me where they always ace the worksheets I give my class. Most importantly I handled the 'ex is going away' issue very well. There was little emotion attached to his going away this time. Previously I'd go to pieces when he left, recover and be normal for a few days and then go to pieces again on the day he was due back. Not this time, but that's not to say it will never happen again. It may. But I will build on this, remember it and do it again. Do what works. Keep myself busy and emotionally detached from the whole thing and I'll be fine.
~ I'm also starting to be able to interact with ex on a 'more than civil' level and not get all emotional about what our relationship is now. Previously, I'd start to think about getting back together and say to myself "look how well we're getting on now, why can't we blah, blah, blah" - but now, not so much. Being able to do this is so important to me because I want our children to see that we treat each other well and with warmth and caring - not like two robots just living in the same house and tolerating each other.
~ Exam results are in and the kids passed with C's, B's and a few A's. We're just waiting for English exam results - I'm sure they'll get A's. My son is sure he'll get 100% - I like his confidence.
~ Managed to drop into the austistic centre twice last week. I've told them I can't help out as much these days and they really are doing quite well on their own. I need the extra time to read, think, and just be. It's the exact reason I didn't want to take a job with them.
~ Have decided to fly with Emirates Airlines for our trip home after finding out that you have to pay extra for entertainment - 30 Ringgit per person and that's just for tv. Outrageous. No thanks. We need tv and entertainment and all the other things that come with an airline that provides service.
~ My old friend, whom I emailed a few weeks back has returned my emails. Nice to have new old friends.
~ My best friend from Melbourne and I talked on the phone for an hour yesterday. I joked to her that I needed at least 10 ringgit credit and a spare hour to talk to her - anything less and I don't even consider calling her because it's just not enough. The kids were good and gave me the space. She's dealing with lots of stuff too - just bought her own house, separated from her husband of a few years and now has to sort out all the co-parenting stuff as well as deal with all the 'cons' of being single - the loneliness being on the top of that list. I can relate oh so well. Had to hang up when the signal started breaking up thanks to low batteries. Next time I'll have to have a spare handy.
~ My dad continues to do well. He's getting regular exercise on the treadmill and sounds happier everytime I ring him.
~ My kids played well together all day today. They are playing a continuos imaginary game called - schools! My only concern is that they will lose some of their books, but it's a good game because my son gets to practice his chinese and it keeps them occupied for hours.
~ Got blonde foils in my hair today and I actually like it because this time my hairdresser (Teddy - that's his name) went out on limb and did a combination of blonds. I think that he's knows I'm a quite conservative person and always tones down the colour, even though I ask him not to. Last time he did foils for me, I could hardly see it. So anyway, today I like it, the light colours brighten me up a bit.
~ We finally got some gardening done on Saturday and filled a big black bag with weeds and rubbish from around the house. I was a little surprised at how much there was. We spent about 2 hours doing the garden, which is a long time, given that our garden consists of concrete and one garden bed. There were lots of weeds in the drains though, that needed to be pulled out and the garden bed is full of weeds and grass, with a little bit of vegie growing at the end. This vege is actually very good - we call it kang kong - it's a green leaf that you stir fry with some garlic, dried shrimp and soy sauce. I planted it ages ago but then it got attacked by insects and after that I didn't want to eat it, so my mom in law came and cut it all and took it home. Since then, I haven't seen it. This time I'll see if I can cut it before the insects come, because it does cook up well.
So there you have it, I feel happy-ish and reasonably settled. Ex is helping out around the house with the dishes, the ironing and washing the kids shoes, so that's a good thing and so far he hasn't had to 'pay' for it with me melting down. I've been trying really hard to just stay focused on the positives and it's paying off. I live in the present and don't let myself contemplate the future at all. It's how I need to live.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Need to write
So many things are going around in my head and with no-one to talk to, this is where all the thoughts end up. Again I say, not very interesting stuff, but you know, it's my blog and all that.
I've been watching American Idol, which ended this week with Kris Allen unexpectedly taking the title. I promised myself that I wouldn't watch it this season, but then I happened to catch Adam Lambert and couldn't stop watching. Those eyes and that smirk, WOW, I was hooked! He reminds of a young Elvis -the jet black hair and the blue eyes and MAN, what a voice, even if he did scream a little. I found myself looking forward to AI, just to watch his performance and then watching all of his performances again and again on the AI site. My absolute favourites are Mad World, Born to be Wild and Feeling Good - the way he moves, god, he knows how to move. LOVE. IT. And when he plays to the camera with those blue, guy-linered eyes, I was SO pulled in. I couldn't believe myself. He's a really great performer, destined for great things. On the AI stage, he was in a league of his own.
LOL- reality check - isn't being single great - you can carry on like an idiot and you don't have to worry about bothering anyone or bullshit like that.
So anyway, life is normal. The mood in the last post passed without too much drama. Since then, I've had a few anxious moments, and been a bit crabby here and there, but on the whole, things are stable. Bit boring really, but good for me and the kids. And even ex is noticing. When I said that we'd go by ourselves to KL on the holidays and give him a few days of peace, he said there was no need, it wouldn't make a difference - that's a compliment if you didn't catch it. It means that things are stable and quiet and he's able to work.
Ex is doing quite well too. He's working, programming again and on his desk I even saw that he'd pulled out a programming book! Good for him. Lately, he's clearing out the shit in his head from the past. He's been using a method called EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques. This method promises freedom from anxiety, negative thoughts, depression etc. The Wiki says: "EFT theorists claim that thinking upon disturbing memory or emotion and simultaneously tapping on a series of 12 specific pressure points on the body helps the person to free himself or herself from such disturbing thoughts through altering the body's energy field, thus restoring it to balance."
Some people say it works just because you distract yourself from all the negative thoughts in your head rather than because you actually restore your balance, but you know, if it helps him and us and he can let go of some of the anger that's built up, then it can only be a good thing. I'm not a total convert yet, but some of the theories about holding onto the past and what it does to you are good to listen to. There are lots of videos on youtube about it, so I've been watching those, listening to a different take on how we can rid ourselves of past angst.
The kids had exam week this week and were so excited by it all. Why? Because in exam week, there's no homework. So this weekend we are homework free. Ex is out of town, the English class has been cancelled because 2 of the kids can't make it (so it's not really worth it and I'll do a replacement in the holidays) so tomorrow the kids and I are going out for breakfast (roti canai and tea and sugar and dahl), then we're going on a shopping expediton. In Segamat, that's not really exciting but I've got a talent for making housework sound exciting if I have to, so the kids are looking forward to it. In the middle of the day, I get a break because the kids are at their beloved piano lesson and then it's cookie making time. So it's 2am now, I'd better get to bed. Reading all this back makes me realise that tomorrow could be a biggish day.
'Night
I've been watching American Idol, which ended this week with Kris Allen unexpectedly taking the title. I promised myself that I wouldn't watch it this season, but then I happened to catch Adam Lambert and couldn't stop watching. Those eyes and that smirk, WOW, I was hooked! He reminds of a young Elvis -the jet black hair and the blue eyes and MAN, what a voice, even if he did scream a little. I found myself looking forward to AI, just to watch his performance and then watching all of his performances again and again on the AI site. My absolute favourites are Mad World, Born to be Wild and Feeling Good - the way he moves, god, he knows how to move. LOVE. IT. And when he plays to the camera with those blue, guy-linered eyes, I was SO pulled in. I couldn't believe myself. He's a really great performer, destined for great things. On the AI stage, he was in a league of his own.
LOL- reality check - isn't being single great - you can carry on like an idiot and you don't have to worry about bothering anyone or bullshit like that.
So anyway, life is normal. The mood in the last post passed without too much drama. Since then, I've had a few anxious moments, and been a bit crabby here and there, but on the whole, things are stable. Bit boring really, but good for me and the kids. And even ex is noticing. When I said that we'd go by ourselves to KL on the holidays and give him a few days of peace, he said there was no need, it wouldn't make a difference - that's a compliment if you didn't catch it. It means that things are stable and quiet and he's able to work.
Ex is doing quite well too. He's working, programming again and on his desk I even saw that he'd pulled out a programming book! Good for him. Lately, he's clearing out the shit in his head from the past. He's been using a method called EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques. This method promises freedom from anxiety, negative thoughts, depression etc. The Wiki says: "EFT theorists claim that thinking upon disturbing memory or emotion and simultaneously tapping on a series of 12 specific pressure points on the body helps the person to free himself or herself from such disturbing thoughts through altering the body's energy field, thus restoring it to balance."
Some people say it works just because you distract yourself from all the negative thoughts in your head rather than because you actually restore your balance, but you know, if it helps him and us and he can let go of some of the anger that's built up, then it can only be a good thing. I'm not a total convert yet, but some of the theories about holding onto the past and what it does to you are good to listen to. There are lots of videos on youtube about it, so I've been watching those, listening to a different take on how we can rid ourselves of past angst.
The kids had exam week this week and were so excited by it all. Why? Because in exam week, there's no homework. So this weekend we are homework free. Ex is out of town, the English class has been cancelled because 2 of the kids can't make it (so it's not really worth it and I'll do a replacement in the holidays) so tomorrow the kids and I are going out for breakfast (roti canai and tea and sugar and dahl), then we're going on a shopping expediton. In Segamat, that's not really exciting but I've got a talent for making housework sound exciting if I have to, so the kids are looking forward to it. In the middle of the day, I get a break because the kids are at their beloved piano lesson and then it's cookie making time. So it's 2am now, I'd better get to bed. Reading all this back makes me realise that tomorrow could be a biggish day.
'Night
Monday, May 18, 2009
electricity and other matters
This is a dump post and probably of no interest to anyone but myself. The therapist who 'cured' me said that if I expect moods to happen, they will. No surprise there, except that I hadn't thought that I actually expected them to happen. I did and still do. Trying to change that.
Am writing this through the veil of a mood now. I wonder how it will read - not very well I expect.
The reason for the mood is that the electricity bill came today and it was a shocker. Over $600 Ringgit. Normally it's about 400 ringgit. Of course, ex and I were both shocked. Who's to blame for this one? Me. Always me. I leave lights on, fans, my computer is on all day, and I occasionally leave the aircon on. Am I the only one living here? No I'm not. Am I the only one leaving electric things on? Again, no I'm not. But it's my fault. Fuck I hate that.
Of course now this mood is colouring all sorts of things and twisting horrible things all through my mind. It's a struggle to see through this most awful of filters. For instance, ex has someone with him at the moment, a guy he's doing work with. Normally I wouldn't care, but for some reason, right now, it's bothering me. I can't ask him who it is, why he's here nor what they are doing together and I hate that. My mind tells me that I have a right to know who is in my house and he's a bastard for not telling me. Last week, I went to talk to ex and found this guy there sitting behind his computer - ex was there too - but somehow, for some reason, I was upset that I didn't know this person was here. I think it's reasonable - it is my space too afterall, my safe space and I don't want it 'violated', so to speak, though I think that's too strong a word for it.
I just don't want other people here when I don't know about it. It makes me uncomfortable. And in this mood I'm in now, it's magnifying this issue to no end - I could cry about it.
In other matters, my Dad is due to come out of hospital tomorrow. I'm glad for him. He'll be able to sleep well and sit back in his chair, watch his own tv and mum will cook for him. I wish I was there with him. Enough said, before the mood takes over this issue as well.
Yesterday's trip to KL was so successful, it made me wish we were still living there. I got meat, new bathers, shoes for my daughter at half the price I was going to pay here and even managed to buy some new pants to replace my old fat pants which I've been holding up with a belt since I lost weight. The new pants look so much better - no more baggy bum at the back and you can see my legs which now look like legs instead of tree trunks.
Now I've got to work hard to get over this mood. I've got to teach tonight and I don't want ex to think he's had to pay any price for bringing us out yesterday. So to the xanax I go and a hot shower.
Remember negative emotions are not your friends.
Am writing this through the veil of a mood now. I wonder how it will read - not very well I expect.
The reason for the mood is that the electricity bill came today and it was a shocker. Over $600 Ringgit. Normally it's about 400 ringgit. Of course, ex and I were both shocked. Who's to blame for this one? Me. Always me. I leave lights on, fans, my computer is on all day, and I occasionally leave the aircon on. Am I the only one living here? No I'm not. Am I the only one leaving electric things on? Again, no I'm not. But it's my fault. Fuck I hate that.
Of course now this mood is colouring all sorts of things and twisting horrible things all through my mind. It's a struggle to see through this most awful of filters. For instance, ex has someone with him at the moment, a guy he's doing work with. Normally I wouldn't care, but for some reason, right now, it's bothering me. I can't ask him who it is, why he's here nor what they are doing together and I hate that. My mind tells me that I have a right to know who is in my house and he's a bastard for not telling me. Last week, I went to talk to ex and found this guy there sitting behind his computer - ex was there too - but somehow, for some reason, I was upset that I didn't know this person was here. I think it's reasonable - it is my space too afterall, my safe space and I don't want it 'violated', so to speak, though I think that's too strong a word for it.
I just don't want other people here when I don't know about it. It makes me uncomfortable. And in this mood I'm in now, it's magnifying this issue to no end - I could cry about it.
In other matters, my Dad is due to come out of hospital tomorrow. I'm glad for him. He'll be able to sleep well and sit back in his chair, watch his own tv and mum will cook for him. I wish I was there with him. Enough said, before the mood takes over this issue as well.
Yesterday's trip to KL was so successful, it made me wish we were still living there. I got meat, new bathers, shoes for my daughter at half the price I was going to pay here and even managed to buy some new pants to replace my old fat pants which I've been holding up with a belt since I lost weight. The new pants look so much better - no more baggy bum at the back and you can see my legs which now look like legs instead of tree trunks.
Now I've got to work hard to get over this mood. I've got to teach tonight and I don't want ex to think he's had to pay any price for bringing us out yesterday. So to the xanax I go and a hot shower.
Remember negative emotions are not your friends.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Saturday
I love Saturday afternoons. It's the time I use to relax a bit. From Thursday afternoons to Saturday midday, I'm busy with the kids or teaching, both during the day and at night. It can get a bit tedious sometimes, but then if I didn't have it, there'd be nothing to spur me on, to keep me on track, so to speak.
It's been a good week. My Dad, who I'm speaking to everyday, is recovering well. He could be out as soon as Tuesday, but we'll have to wait and see.
Found some better plane tickets this week too. Emirates Airlines has a flight from Singapore to Melbourne for about 500sing dollars less than Singapore Airlines. Reason? Their taxes are so low. Airline taxes are so confusing and well, stupid. Singapore Air charge SGD 900 in taxes and Emirates charges just SGD 249? Go figure! If anyone knows why this is, let me know.
Air Asia also fly direct to Melbourne for slightly cheaper, from KL. They are Asia's leading budget airline yet, the price is about the same as Emirates, but Emirates is one of the best airlines in the world. I want to fly with them. They have extensive meal choices, 30 kg's of luggage per person and a very good entertainment system. And the drop off and pick up times are good, whereas Air Asia land in Melbourne at midnight and there's a stopover somewhere, though they don't specify where. I'm assuming this because their flight time is 12 hours and it doesn't take 12 hours to reach Melbourne. Flight time on Emirates is just 7 hours, 15 minutes. I do love a comfortable flight. The other issue is food. Though airline food is often mediocre, I'm travelling with the kids and they will need to be fed at least twice in the seven hours. On the Air Asia flight, we get one meal. One! And it's a twelve hour trip. On the Emirates flight, we're guaranteed the usual dinner and breakfast arrangement, or one meal and one snack and as many drinks as we need. Air Asia requires you to buy your meals and drinks. It would probably end up costing more anyway. So much for budget travel. It would be alright if I was on my own, but with the kids and all, there's no telling what they'll need.
Now the reason the whole 'choose an airline' is an issue is because, though he's not involved at all in this trip, ex took it upon himself to research the price of flights and came up with Air Asia as the obvious choice. Because of the luggage restrictions and the meals etc it wasn't the obvious choice for me. I prefer Emirates to be honest. I tried to explain why I didn't fancy Air Asia and he took it to mean that I'm narrow-minded and only focus on one thing (ie the luggage factor), so that was stopping me from considering them as a serious choice. He doesn't trust me to make a good decision, though I'm pretty confident that I can make the best choice for us and I'm pretty sure it's going to be Emirates, unless Malaysian Airlines comes up with a good fare between now and July - though the food on there last time was almost inedible. Ex thinks he's helping when he does this, but he's not. I just get uptight and shitty at him. So now I'm trying not to shoot the messenger. Instead of thinking of this as I have above, I can think differently. He's just trying to show me all the options, which, due to his past experience with me, has shown him that sometimes I miss the best options. He's trying to help me save money. He's got no other agenda here than to help me get the best ticket for my trip. OK then.
Tomorrow we're off to KL for a day trip. We'll shop, and then drop by the inlaws for dinner. I'm making them some cookies so we have something to give them when we get there because they always go to so much trouble for us when we visit. I really wish they wouldn't - I don't want to be the cause of someone elses stress. We're happy with just a simple meal, but lately, they've been going all out. Of course, they have their housekeeper to help them, but still. Regardless, it should be a good day. I need to shop for clothes, because I'm sick of all my fat clothes hanging off me. And my daughter needs running shoes because she's exercising with me in the mornings and has grown out of her sneakers. So it's off to Kl we go. I'm a bit nervous, given the potential for a meltdown and the stress that comes with travelling together with ex, but I'll put xanax in my pocket and take it if required.
Have a good day with Dad, Mr Scorpio.
Cheers
It's been a good week. My Dad, who I'm speaking to everyday, is recovering well. He could be out as soon as Tuesday, but we'll have to wait and see.
Found some better plane tickets this week too. Emirates Airlines has a flight from Singapore to Melbourne for about 500sing dollars less than Singapore Airlines. Reason? Their taxes are so low. Airline taxes are so confusing and well, stupid. Singapore Air charge SGD 900 in taxes and Emirates charges just SGD 249? Go figure! If anyone knows why this is, let me know.
Air Asia also fly direct to Melbourne for slightly cheaper, from KL. They are Asia's leading budget airline yet, the price is about the same as Emirates, but Emirates is one of the best airlines in the world. I want to fly with them. They have extensive meal choices, 30 kg's of luggage per person and a very good entertainment system. And the drop off and pick up times are good, whereas Air Asia land in Melbourne at midnight and there's a stopover somewhere, though they don't specify where. I'm assuming this because their flight time is 12 hours and it doesn't take 12 hours to reach Melbourne. Flight time on Emirates is just 7 hours, 15 minutes. I do love a comfortable flight. The other issue is food. Though airline food is often mediocre, I'm travelling with the kids and they will need to be fed at least twice in the seven hours. On the Air Asia flight, we get one meal. One! And it's a twelve hour trip. On the Emirates flight, we're guaranteed the usual dinner and breakfast arrangement, or one meal and one snack and as many drinks as we need. Air Asia requires you to buy your meals and drinks. It would probably end up costing more anyway. So much for budget travel. It would be alright if I was on my own, but with the kids and all, there's no telling what they'll need.
Now the reason the whole 'choose an airline' is an issue is because, though he's not involved at all in this trip, ex took it upon himself to research the price of flights and came up with Air Asia as the obvious choice. Because of the luggage restrictions and the meals etc it wasn't the obvious choice for me. I prefer Emirates to be honest. I tried to explain why I didn't fancy Air Asia and he took it to mean that I'm narrow-minded and only focus on one thing (ie the luggage factor), so that was stopping me from considering them as a serious choice. He doesn't trust me to make a good decision, though I'm pretty confident that I can make the best choice for us and I'm pretty sure it's going to be Emirates, unless Malaysian Airlines comes up with a good fare between now and July - though the food on there last time was almost inedible. Ex thinks he's helping when he does this, but he's not. I just get uptight and shitty at him. So now I'm trying not to shoot the messenger. Instead of thinking of this as I have above, I can think differently. He's just trying to show me all the options, which, due to his past experience with me, has shown him that sometimes I miss the best options. He's trying to help me save money. He's got no other agenda here than to help me get the best ticket for my trip. OK then.
Tomorrow we're off to KL for a day trip. We'll shop, and then drop by the inlaws for dinner. I'm making them some cookies so we have something to give them when we get there because they always go to so much trouble for us when we visit. I really wish they wouldn't - I don't want to be the cause of someone elses stress. We're happy with just a simple meal, but lately, they've been going all out. Of course, they have their housekeeper to help them, but still. Regardless, it should be a good day. I need to shop for clothes, because I'm sick of all my fat clothes hanging off me. And my daughter needs running shoes because she's exercising with me in the mornings and has grown out of her sneakers. So it's off to Kl we go. I'm a bit nervous, given the potential for a meltdown and the stress that comes with travelling together with ex, but I'll put xanax in my pocket and take it if required.
Have a good day with Dad, Mr Scorpio.
Cheers
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