and it's been pretty good.
Firstly, I cooked something other than chicken for dinner. Sometimes it seems like we eat chicken all the time in some form or other because it's plentiful and fresh and cheap. Two nights ago, we ate fish that I'd bought AND I CLEANED IT MYSELF. It was pomfret, 4 medium sized fish that needed cleaning. I usually get the supermarket people to do it for me, but I'd bought it in a different supermarket where they don't offer that service. I was so desparate to cook something other than chicken, I decided I would clean it myself. I grew up watching my dad clean fish, so it shouldn't worry me and I kinda knew what to do, but that was a long time ago and now I find it much to squishy for my liking. But I did it anyway and was proud of myself and it was a good meal.
I also got over a potential meltdown and have managed to stay evenly keeled this week. I don't go out much and when I do, I enjoy every minute of it. I usually go out at night and leave ex to mind the kids. So I'd organised to go see my friends when I get an sms from ex asking me when I'll be back. I don't know, I replied, I'm in the middle of something (a very good conversation about something I can't remember now). I thought that would be enough to tell him "I'll come back when I'm good and ready" but then he asked for a time and said that he wanted to go for supper with a friend. And of course I felt like I had to go back earlier than I wanted to.
And this is what I felt like yelling at him when I got home: PICK YOUR NIGHT!! WHY DO YOU NEED TO GO OUT ON THE ONLY NIGHT I GO OUT!! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO COME BACK JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO AND YOU WANT TO GO OUT! IF I EVER DID THAT TO YOU, YOU'D BE FURIOUS AND YOU WOULDN'T COME BACK ANYWAY, SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE AND DO YOUR BIT MINDING THE KIDS WHILE I GET A BIT OF A SOCIAL LIFE. AND DIDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT LAST NIGHT AND TWO NIGHTS AGO AND GET HOME AT 3 OR 4 IN THE MORNING. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MESSAGED YOU THEN TO ASK YOU WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK BLAH, BLAH....
He's done this before when I've been out, not often, but enough for it to be annoying - and he doesn't see how or why it would upset me. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did! Clueless. Now I know I'm just whinging about him, but you know, it's been on my mind a bit and I gotta let it out somewhere.
I didn't say anything about it to him, though I wanted to so badly. I came home half an hour earlier than I was planning and just left it at that. After this, the next few days I tried to avoid him a little more because if I don't the 'things that he does' (like the things that we all do that annoy other people) annoy me to high heaven and I end up exploding and melting down.
To get over it (and it seems so minor now) I had to meditate (sit and breathe) until the horrible feelings passed and whenever I felt them coming up again, I'd do it again. I think I took xanax once too, just to give me a good nights sleep so as to lessen the grumpiness factor, lest I blow up because I was tired (not sleeping well these days either, vivid dreams and all that). And I also wake up every time ex comes home from his nights out so I thought I better take it so I wouldn't wake up at 4 in the morning listening to him clanging the gate. So I tried to take away all the factors that I had control over that I thought would contribute to a meltdown.
It seems to have worked to my benefit, not only because I didn't melt down, which is huge for me anyway, but after that, ex was a little nicer to me than usual - more friendly. Perhaps because he saw what he did and saw me take it in my stride or... perhaps not, maybe he was just in a better mood because he'd solved some problem with his work or some shit like that.
On a deeper level, I've noticed a shift in my consciousness towards him. I don't dwell on the 'things he does' - like telling me at the last minute he has to go out of town for the day and I'm left without a car or the supper thing. Today he got all motivated to do stuff around the house and even though I thought it was a good idea for him, I didn't think it was good for me - I wanted to relax because I do all these things during the week and today I had a massive hormone headache, which will only subside tomorrow night. But I tried to join him his mood and I swept and mopped and made an effort with the ironing. And when he told the kids "we all have to do better" and I wanted to say to him that his kids will grow up thinking they're never good enough, I let it go because maybe I'm wrong and they won't and he's just trying to help them see that they can always strive for more - even though they're only 7 and 9.
But with the shift in my mind has come more peace (for me) and (to him) indifference. One of my goals here is to deal with whatever he does as best I can because it's not like a normal separation where I can just shut him out of my life. He's right here, leading his own life, completely (and coldly) separated from me in any personal way and I need to do the same. I think this is harder for women. We are so emotional. Men just pull away and move onto the next woman so easily - that's what it looks like anyway and this is not just from my experience. It's like they can turn off a switch and then, hey presto, turn their affections to someone else. Ouch!
So at the end of the first week of September, I can say it's been pretty good. In between all the usual stuff, I managed to cram in reading a novel, a rare pleasure in my life. The Time-Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. It was really good, I loved it. I thought the time travel stuff would confuse me (as it tends to do) but once I got the hang of what was going on, I was fine and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Oh and on a completely different topic... I had my son's eyes checked this week, as a matter of course and the optometrist showed me my son's eyes through the camera and asked if I could see anything out of the ordinary. I looked and looked and then noticed - his pupils, in normal light, are huge! They're twice as big as a normal eye. I hadn't noticed this because his eyes are dark brown and you can't see them, but there it was. Huge pupils. This might explain why he plays in the dark, telling me he can see when I tell him to turn the light on. It's not a really big deal, just one of those quirky things that I can add to his ever growing list of quirky things. And he'll need glasses early next year. Oh well.
Another late night. Another week gone.
Cheers.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Meltdown trigger
I think the thing that frustrates me the most is the different view of our past that we had and still have. It's a non-resolvable issue, that I know. He sees our past a "blanket of misery" - the whole damn thing was miserable for him and seemingly, not one good thing has come of it - and it's my fault because he always had to fight for what he wanted. Of course, I don't remember it that way. For me, there are pockets of happiness for both of us and I've got the photos to prove it. We did a lot of good things together. I remember them. I was there too.
That's why I can't understand why it was all bad for him. How he can wipe off 18 years of his life with me and say 'it was a waste!'. Of all the things he's said to me, and many of them have been hurtful, this one hurts the most.
I want to scream at him "WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE THEN?" But he's loyal, dedicated and persistent when it comes to 'fixing' things (me) and sees this line of thinking as a huge betrayal on my part. Also, he thought being miserable with me was going to be his lot in life, that's why he never made a move to go. He just thought it was going to be like that. I find it difficult to believe, but there it is. He told me so. He had nothing, he said, just misery. I'll never forget the pained look on his face when he told me this.
Whenever I'm reminded of the above, it's a sure trigger for a meltdown, as it was this past week. The pain that comes with realising that he will never remember our good times is, at times, just too much. And I know I'm being indulgent here. I know that people go through so much more than this. But in my tiny world, the pain of this is hard to let go of. In my mind, I scream, I rage, I wonder, I cry and I'm full of anger and resentment. And the only thing for it is to let it go, because his perspective is never going to change. But letting go is damn hard.
The thing I'm grateful for is that I saved us from completely destroying ourselves, because that was the direction we were headed in. I knew it wasn't going to get any better, I knew we HAD to separate. I knew I would never survive another month longer in the situation we were in. So I used my strength to take the only path possible, the only thing we hadn't tried, even though it hurt like hell. I did it. We wouldn't be where we are today (very civil, functional family-type situation) if I'd never uttered those words "I want a separation". I know he probably sees it as taking the easy way out but it was really hard to stand up to him and say it and not be talked out of it. I stood my ground and for me, I know that I wouldn't have grown up the way I did if we'd stayed together.
(More self indulgent rubbish) I've done more growing in the past 2 years than in any other period of my adult life. I went from being a whiney, resistant 20 year old (at 40 chronological years), to being a grown up woman who knows what she wants, all in the space of about 2 years (post long stay in Aust, til now). Yep, I know I still have meltdowns. But now I know I'm having them and I know they are part of me and my life, and that my situation exacerbates them - but I've still grown up and I'm pretty comfortable with who I am now. And I know the journey doesn't end. I'll never be 'there', because there is no place to be.
I was afraid to do the growing up part, afraid of looking at myself and accepting that there were parts of me that I didn't like. I resisted the things ex said about me for so long, yet when I eventually did let go and started thinking and looking, I came through it. Eckhart Tolle says that once you stop resisting and begin to accept, you find more peace in your life and things begind to come to you. Nowadays I would never swap the current 'me' for the 'me' of years ago. I really get it when people say "I wouldn't be 20 again for anything" - I definitely wouldn't.
Ex says he sees a lot of changes, but I'm not sure that he does - and I don't care anymore. I'm glad to be out of a marriage where I was so miserable and felt so broken. I don't know how we lived like we did for so long. He says now that I do things better, yes, but here's the catch. He says"For every 1 thing I tell you about (meaning telling me how I could do something better or what I'm doing wrong) there are 90 to 100 things I don't tell you". 90 - 100 - the sheer number makes my head spin. Argggh, the pressure. He doesn't understand why I think he's looking over my shoulder all the time. Do you?
And he's told me this before, in the past, when we were married. I could never imagine saying something like that to someone I was supposed to love and support. He doesn't see why it would be so hurtful. I wonder if I am the one being sensitive. Hearing that line again makes me certain that I would never want a marriage relationship with him again, no matter what I pine for when I'm melting down. This one line says it all to me: I will never meet his standards - and it makes me certain that when I did what I did, it was the right thing to do.
That's why I can't understand why it was all bad for him. How he can wipe off 18 years of his life with me and say 'it was a waste!'. Of all the things he's said to me, and many of them have been hurtful, this one hurts the most.
I want to scream at him "WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE THEN?" But he's loyal, dedicated and persistent when it comes to 'fixing' things (me) and sees this line of thinking as a huge betrayal on my part. Also, he thought being miserable with me was going to be his lot in life, that's why he never made a move to go. He just thought it was going to be like that. I find it difficult to believe, but there it is. He told me so. He had nothing, he said, just misery. I'll never forget the pained look on his face when he told me this.
Whenever I'm reminded of the above, it's a sure trigger for a meltdown, as it was this past week. The pain that comes with realising that he will never remember our good times is, at times, just too much. And I know I'm being indulgent here. I know that people go through so much more than this. But in my tiny world, the pain of this is hard to let go of. In my mind, I scream, I rage, I wonder, I cry and I'm full of anger and resentment. And the only thing for it is to let it go, because his perspective is never going to change. But letting go is damn hard.
The thing I'm grateful for is that I saved us from completely destroying ourselves, because that was the direction we were headed in. I knew it wasn't going to get any better, I knew we HAD to separate. I knew I would never survive another month longer in the situation we were in. So I used my strength to take the only path possible, the only thing we hadn't tried, even though it hurt like hell. I did it. We wouldn't be where we are today (very civil, functional family-type situation) if I'd never uttered those words "I want a separation". I know he probably sees it as taking the easy way out but it was really hard to stand up to him and say it and not be talked out of it. I stood my ground and for me, I know that I wouldn't have grown up the way I did if we'd stayed together.
(More self indulgent rubbish) I've done more growing in the past 2 years than in any other period of my adult life. I went from being a whiney, resistant 20 year old (at 40 chronological years), to being a grown up woman who knows what she wants, all in the space of about 2 years (post long stay in Aust, til now). Yep, I know I still have meltdowns. But now I know I'm having them and I know they are part of me and my life, and that my situation exacerbates them - but I've still grown up and I'm pretty comfortable with who I am now. And I know the journey doesn't end. I'll never be 'there', because there is no place to be.
I was afraid to do the growing up part, afraid of looking at myself and accepting that there were parts of me that I didn't like. I resisted the things ex said about me for so long, yet when I eventually did let go and started thinking and looking, I came through it. Eckhart Tolle says that once you stop resisting and begin to accept, you find more peace in your life and things begind to come to you. Nowadays I would never swap the current 'me' for the 'me' of years ago. I really get it when people say "I wouldn't be 20 again for anything" - I definitely wouldn't.
Ex says he sees a lot of changes, but I'm not sure that he does - and I don't care anymore. I'm glad to be out of a marriage where I was so miserable and felt so broken. I don't know how we lived like we did for so long. He says now that I do things better, yes, but here's the catch. He says"For every 1 thing I tell you about (meaning telling me how I could do something better or what I'm doing wrong) there are 90 to 100 things I don't tell you". 90 - 100 - the sheer number makes my head spin. Argggh, the pressure. He doesn't understand why I think he's looking over my shoulder all the time. Do you?
And he's told me this before, in the past, when we were married. I could never imagine saying something like that to someone I was supposed to love and support. He doesn't see why it would be so hurtful. I wonder if I am the one being sensitive. Hearing that line again makes me certain that I would never want a marriage relationship with him again, no matter what I pine for when I'm melting down. This one line says it all to me: I will never meet his standards - and it makes me certain that when I did what I did, it was the right thing to do.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sometimes you just don't make sense
We'd finished watching a rare movie together, when ex went into the bathroom. There was a cockroach there, as there sometimes is because THE BATHROOM IS NEXT TO THE OUTSIDE DRAIN. It was my fault. I'd left the small bucket next to the toilet so the cockroach could hide in there.
Stupid me. He didn't say this, but he was thinking it. He came out from the bathroom, got the spray and went back in, killed the horrible thing and then came out again holding the small bucket. He asked me: "What do you use these for" "They are for rinsing the floor" I replied. He was a little exasperated and started on about cross-contamination and had a really bewildered look on his face that told me bookloads about what he was thinking and then said "I know this is a really stupid question but what brush do you use to wash the basin?"
He linked the cockroach, to (presumed) dirty, buckets on the floor, to me having bad cleaning habits to the possible fact that I MAY WASH THE BASIN WITH THE TOILET BRUSH. (Note, this is my interpretation of this particular scene.)
I told him there's a special brush, on the shower holder, sitting by itself, that I use, with anti-bacterial bleach product to wash the basin. He must see this brush every-fucking-day. Then I told him "No, I don't use the toilet brush" and he grunted and said oh, ok and sort of raised his hands in the air in a 'you know I had to ask' gesture.
Jesus, (pardon me INC if your reading) even I know better than that. He replied, yep it was a stupid question but the rest of his gestures and expression said "...but you know I had to ask because of who you are and some of the things you've done in the past" And here I have to admit that yes, I've let my daughter walk around with a dry toilet brush in her hand a very long time ago. So you can see why he has to ask all these stupid questions, can't you?
He ended up putting the buckets away - ON THE BENCH WHERE WE MAKE OUR BREAKFAST. IF THEY ARE ATTRACTING COCKROACHES IN THE BATHROOM, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO OUR KITCHEN BENCH!!!
Sometimes ex, you just don't make sense. Give me a little credit, drop the baggage and think about what you're doing.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so sick of living here.
Stupid me. He didn't say this, but he was thinking it. He came out from the bathroom, got the spray and went back in, killed the horrible thing and then came out again holding the small bucket. He asked me: "What do you use these for" "They are for rinsing the floor" I replied. He was a little exasperated and started on about cross-contamination and had a really bewildered look on his face that told me bookloads about what he was thinking and then said "I know this is a really stupid question but what brush do you use to wash the basin?"
He linked the cockroach, to (presumed) dirty, buckets on the floor, to me having bad cleaning habits to the possible fact that I MAY WASH THE BASIN WITH THE TOILET BRUSH. (Note, this is my interpretation of this particular scene.)
I told him there's a special brush, on the shower holder, sitting by itself, that I use, with anti-bacterial bleach product to wash the basin. He must see this brush every-fucking-day. Then I told him "No, I don't use the toilet brush" and he grunted and said oh, ok and sort of raised his hands in the air in a 'you know I had to ask' gesture.
Jesus, (pardon me INC if your reading) even I know better than that. He replied, yep it was a stupid question but the rest of his gestures and expression said "...but you know I had to ask because of who you are and some of the things you've done in the past" And here I have to admit that yes, I've let my daughter walk around with a dry toilet brush in her hand a very long time ago. So you can see why he has to ask all these stupid questions, can't you?
He ended up putting the buckets away - ON THE BENCH WHERE WE MAKE OUR BREAKFAST. IF THEY ARE ATTRACTING COCKROACHES IN THE BATHROOM, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO OUR KITCHEN BENCH!!!
Sometimes ex, you just don't make sense. Give me a little credit, drop the baggage and think about what you're doing.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so sick of living here.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Dinner, 8 and 8
Dinner last night was fresh 'wet-style' kuay teow and fried rice. RM 8 for one RM 8 for the other - 8 and 8. Total, RM16 - about AUD 9 for dinner and lunch tomorrow. That's pretty cheap and it's yummo. Here's a photo Mr Scorpio, of "wet kauy teow', chinese comfort food.
I have no information on how healthy this is - it's probably not. It doesn't seem that unhealthy but in restaurants they cook with pork lard so it's probably really unhealthy. We would eat this about 3 - 4 times a month, so hopefully that's not too bad. I remember back when we lived in Sorrento, a dish similar to this would cost us AUD $20- the 2 prawns it included were much bigger and fresher though.
Today is an interesting day. It's school holidays so the kids are at home, but I am going to give a talk to some teachers about.... discipline in the class room, which is oh so different to discipline in the home. I think we all know that. It astounds me that I can control a bunch of 30 kids and yet have trouble coping with my own two.
Enjoy your day.
I have no information on how healthy this is - it's probably not. It doesn't seem that unhealthy but in restaurants they cook with pork lard so it's probably really unhealthy. We would eat this about 3 - 4 times a month, so hopefully that's not too bad. I remember back when we lived in Sorrento, a dish similar to this would cost us AUD $20- the 2 prawns it included were much bigger and fresher though.
Today is an interesting day. It's school holidays so the kids are at home, but I am going to give a talk to some teachers about.... discipline in the class room, which is oh so different to discipline in the home. I think we all know that. It astounds me that I can control a bunch of 30 kids and yet have trouble coping with my own two.
Enjoy your day.
And there are questions...
that go around in my head. These are those:
Why does the damn fettucine stick together when I cook it and then become half undercooked, half overcooked pasta?
Are face masks really necessary? So hot, so uncomfortable and not guaranteed to protect, so it's not like we're really wearing them.
Should the child of a friend call the ex's girlfriend, Mummy? (I say no!)
Why do Americans desecrate their food and then want to stick it down their own throats? See this site: This is why you're fat
Who's drinking all the milk?
Where is my money going to?
Were rollerblades really a good idea to give to both my kids (who turned 7 and 9 ) this week?
Why does my internet connection keep dropping out? Is it the governments fault or just my usb wireless port thingy?
Why am I craving sugar and coffee? If alcohol wasn't so expensive here I think I'd be craving that too.
Should we get noodles tonight for dinner, or should I cook? "Wet kuay teow" for RM 8. Yummo!
Why does the damn fettucine stick together when I cook it and then become half undercooked, half overcooked pasta?
Are face masks really necessary? So hot, so uncomfortable and not guaranteed to protect, so it's not like we're really wearing them.
Should the child of a friend call the ex's girlfriend, Mummy? (I say no!)
Why do Americans desecrate their food and then want to stick it down their own throats? See this site: This is why you're fat
Who's drinking all the milk?
Where is my money going to?
Were rollerblades really a good idea to give to both my kids (who turned 7 and 9 ) this week?
Why does my internet connection keep dropping out? Is it the governments fault or just my usb wireless port thingy?
Why am I craving sugar and coffee? If alcohol wasn't so expensive here I think I'd be craving that too.
Should we get noodles tonight for dinner, or should I cook? "Wet kuay teow" for RM 8. Yummo!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Days flying by
Sheesh, it's already Friday. Today is my son's 7th birthday. Happy Birthday my gorgeous boy. Mummy loves you more than you know. Will write the week up tomorrow.
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