It's been a great day. Everything that I'd wanted or hoped for, came true. I hope tomorrow goes just as well. The train trip was good and not late at all. On the train, I happened to be sitting next to two older Aussie blokes who were travelling to Kl from Singapore. We had a good old chat and shared travelling stories. While they were napping (I did say they were older), I listened to the music I'd uploaded to my phone and learned all the words to Adam's songs that I didn't know. Using headphones puts the music right inside your head so I was in music heaven for a while.
Got to KL at about 3 then managed to fumble my way to the correct ticket counter and bought another ticket to Subang Jaya. My mother-in-law had told me that if I presented my first ticket to the counter, I'd get a 50% discount. That made me think that the second ticket must be expensive so when I asked how much I needed to pay, I was surprised to hear that it was only RM1.60. Had I bothered, my discount would have been all of 80 sen!
Anyhoo, I got there, my friend picked me up and asked me to join her in her bible study group, which was happening at her place upon my arrival. I gently told her that I was probably not a good candidate for bible study given that tomorrow night I'm going to idolise a singer who is clearly homosexual. She understood. It was a great excuse.
After I'd showered and got my act together, we went for dinner with two of her bible study friends who turned out to be just lovely and very good company. We ate japanese food and drank a truck load of green tea while we chatted and laughed and they didn't mind at all that I was going to see Glambert. Upon finishing dinner, my friend and I were meant to go and see the movie EAT, PRAY, LOVE, but we were running late so decided to go shopping instead.
And it was fun! I thought that if I was going to dress up at all, I'd glam up my hands, given that they are going to be up in the air nearest to Adam anyway, so I thought I'd wear some black leather, fingerless gloves and paint my nails silver. And I'd need more sparkly shoes. However, I wasn't even sure that I'd be able to get any of that stuff, but lo and behold, the first shoe shop we walked into, I walked out with a pair of shiny black slippers with a cool silver fish logo thingy with a nice subtle strip of bling. Just right. Next stop, a shop selling all manner of costume jewelry and there on the bottom shelf was a pair of black leather fingerless gloves - all mine for RM45 a pair. Yes please and add to that a black, silver studded wrist band and another silver wrist band. I'm sure the very young shop assistants thought we were nuts but I didn't care.
And on we went. I was feeling pretty happy and free by this time when we walked past a place that did temporary tatts. I jokingly asked if they had the Eye of Horus tattoo, just like Adam has on his right wrist. They did. RM13 later, I was sporting the same 'tattoo' in the same place as Adam's. :) It goes perfectly with my gloves. And to top it all off, I also bought a necklace with lots of shiny bits and a dark read feather that happens to match the little red and glittery bag I am bringing with me (courtesy of my BFF) to the concert.
So, with my black jeans, new black and glitter t-shirt and all that happened today, I am ready. This is about as glam as I get, but it was fun. I will probably only ever wear these things once (tomorrow night), but again, I don't care. The good thing about Malaysia is that most of this stuff is pretty cheap, so I have a complete glam package for RM163. And the shoes I can wear again to a dinner dance that I am going to in November.
See. When you need something, the Universe provides. :) Let's hope the karma keeps going tomorrow. If it does, I will go back home a happy woman!
Cheers.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Well this sucks - but not as much as it could have
I REALLY don't like the Malaysian government. Because he is gay, Adam Lambert has to abide by restrictions placed on him which include staying 25ft from the audience. And he has to keep his clothes on - NOT THAT HE TAKES THEM OFF! And he's not allowed to kiss any band members, especially the male ones - which he does do, consistently, to the cheers of his fans.
But this really sucks. Even though I'm in The Pitt, I won't be able to get close to him. I really wanted to see those eyes up close.
Hmmm, I'll just have to close my eyes and listen to that voice.
I guess at least I get to go - other artists have cancelled in the face of such demands. Hope there are no protests. Come to think of it, I was a little surprised that the government agreed to let him perform here at all, as homosexuality is a crime here. So I guess we're lucky in that way!!!
I'm off today. I little more nervous than excited now, but Adam's promised a fun show. My train leaves at 11.40 and I get to KL at about 3. I have to take another train to the outlying suburb of Bandar Sunway and my friend will pick me up from there. Wish me luck people. I'll be back Friday night at 5.30 but then have to rush home, change and eat and go teach a class at 7.15. Then I'm going out with my friends to blurt it all out. That way I won't need to feel like I have to talk to ex about it. I'm sure he's not interested anyway.
Take care people.
But this really sucks. Even though I'm in The Pitt, I won't be able to get close to him. I really wanted to see those eyes up close.
Hmmm, I'll just have to close my eyes and listen to that voice.
I guess at least I get to go - other artists have cancelled in the face of such demands. Hope there are no protests. Come to think of it, I was a little surprised that the government agreed to let him perform here at all, as homosexuality is a crime here. So I guess we're lucky in that way!!!
I'm off today. I little more nervous than excited now, but Adam's promised a fun show. My train leaves at 11.40 and I get to KL at about 3. I have to take another train to the outlying suburb of Bandar Sunway and my friend will pick me up from there. Wish me luck people. I'll be back Friday night at 5.30 but then have to rush home, change and eat and go teach a class at 7.15. Then I'm going out with my friends to blurt it all out. That way I won't need to feel like I have to talk to ex about it. I'm sure he's not interested anyway.
Take care people.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Weekly round up.
So, I think I'm over the almost meltdown that I was having on Tuesday. I worked out later in the week that what it really was is that I do all these things for him - I jump through proverbial hoops to get him money, to pay his taxes, to look after our affairs back home and I get not a single word of thanks from him. He might mumble 'ok thanks' now and then, but a heart felt thank you is what I really want. Instead I get his bullshit about how difficult I am and how WE could do things better. It's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at him that in case he hasn't noticed, there is no fucking "WE" anymore - it's ME and YOU and WE are separate and I don't have to do these things with and for you but for the good of our children, I do them anyway and I take the bullshit that comes along with it.
He fails to notice that I am not the emotional mess I once was. He doesn't seem to realise that if he was keeping up his part of the bargain, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS FOR HIM!
I'm angry because I feel cheated and I don't know what to do about it. Our agreement was that we would stay together in the same house. He would take care of the financials and I would take care of my emotional instability. At the time, he even wanted me to write down that if I didn't meet a certain set of criteria and was still an emotional mess, that I would leave and go back home by myself "to sort myself out". I didn't write it down though it was kind of understood that if I couldn't get my act together it would be detrimental to the kids and I would leave. But what about his part of the agreement. He's not doing it and it's been 3 years since that first conversation after I came back. HE is the one who hasn't kept his part of the deal. And even as I write this, I don't know how to bring this up with him.
Now is not a good time anyway. He's agitated and pre-occupied because his computer has had a power failure and he's not having any luck fixing it. It's best to keep out of his way because most things I say just end up annoying him. He will need his xanax tonight. I found out the other day that he takes his xanax at home when he comes back from the office. After he said "I take it when I need it" the look he gave me told me that he has to take it because we are here. Fuck him and his bullshit.
*
I learned today that a fellow blogger, Nicola, will be going home (from the US to the UK) soon - assuming all goes well. I cried. Happiness for her, sadness for me. Her situation and emotions mirror mine in a way that's just staggering. But, she's had a tough summer and doesn't want to get too excited in case it doesn't happen. I get that. What if the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a fucking train that's headed straight for you! No, best to keep a lid on it, as I do. I tell people that next year is 'probably' going to be my last year here. I refuse to confirm it 100% basically because even the best laid plans are apt to go arse up and we only have the present anyway. Live in the now and all that. But cross your fingers for her people, send her good vibes - she deserves it.
*
The concert is this Thursday. I am nervous and excited and anxious all at once. I'm going as myself, not as some glammed up girly diva thing. That's not me. Adam is all about being yourself and with me, what you see is what you get. I am going shopping for a glittery t'shirt though. I haven't got my train ticket yet because the booking system was down last week. I should be able to get a seat though. I've planned the travel, the accomodation and the shopping. I have the money. And soon, I'll be looking at this:
The first time I saw this I almost fell off my chair. It's my favourite Whole Lotta Love performance. Probably not everyone's cup of tea, but definitely mine.
Cheers
He fails to notice that I am not the emotional mess I once was. He doesn't seem to realise that if he was keeping up his part of the bargain, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS FOR HIM!
I'm angry because I feel cheated and I don't know what to do about it. Our agreement was that we would stay together in the same house. He would take care of the financials and I would take care of my emotional instability. At the time, he even wanted me to write down that if I didn't meet a certain set of criteria and was still an emotional mess, that I would leave and go back home by myself "to sort myself out". I didn't write it down though it was kind of understood that if I couldn't get my act together it would be detrimental to the kids and I would leave. But what about his part of the agreement. He's not doing it and it's been 3 years since that first conversation after I came back. HE is the one who hasn't kept his part of the deal. And even as I write this, I don't know how to bring this up with him.
Now is not a good time anyway. He's agitated and pre-occupied because his computer has had a power failure and he's not having any luck fixing it. It's best to keep out of his way because most things I say just end up annoying him. He will need his xanax tonight. I found out the other day that he takes his xanax at home when he comes back from the office. After he said "I take it when I need it" the look he gave me told me that he has to take it because we are here. Fuck him and his bullshit.
*
I learned today that a fellow blogger, Nicola, will be going home (from the US to the UK) soon - assuming all goes well. I cried. Happiness for her, sadness for me. Her situation and emotions mirror mine in a way that's just staggering. But, she's had a tough summer and doesn't want to get too excited in case it doesn't happen. I get that. What if the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a fucking train that's headed straight for you! No, best to keep a lid on it, as I do. I tell people that next year is 'probably' going to be my last year here. I refuse to confirm it 100% basically because even the best laid plans are apt to go arse up and we only have the present anyway. Live in the now and all that. But cross your fingers for her people, send her good vibes - she deserves it.
*
The concert is this Thursday. I am nervous and excited and anxious all at once. I'm going as myself, not as some glammed up girly diva thing. That's not me. Adam is all about being yourself and with me, what you see is what you get. I am going shopping for a glittery t'shirt though. I haven't got my train ticket yet because the booking system was down last week. I should be able to get a seat though. I've planned the travel, the accomodation and the shopping. I have the money. And soon, I'll be looking at this:
The first time I saw this I almost fell off my chair. It's my favourite Whole Lotta Love performance. Probably not everyone's cup of tea, but definitely mine.
Cheers
Friday, October 8, 2010
Is it just me or is this weird
Ex has some weird ways of thinking. Of course, I can't pinpoint anything from the past that has led me to this conclusion, but I know I've written about them here. Anyway, his latest is this.
He washed his mum's car that he uses on and off. I knew we were out of car wash because I'd used the last of it a month ago, so I asked him what he used to clean it with. His answer:
Ex: Floor cleaner.
Me: Floor cleaner?... the same one I use to get the grime off the floor?
Ex: Yes.
Me: But I thought you couldn't use household detergent on cars...that's what you've been telling me for years...
Ex: No, you can't use dishwash detergent, but you can use floor cleaner.
It didn't make sense. Is it just me? I was stunned that by his standards, you can use a combination of chemicals known to strip every particle of dirt and 99% of germs from a floor but not a detergent that is "soft on hands".
So, let me ask you readers, would you clean your car with FLOOR CLEANER?
I'd be grateful for any replies on this matter because you all know that my purpose in life is to prove to him that I'm not stupid and not crazy, so I really need to know - is it just me who thinks this is a bad idea?
Love you all.
He washed his mum's car that he uses on and off. I knew we were out of car wash because I'd used the last of it a month ago, so I asked him what he used to clean it with. His answer:
Ex: Floor cleaner.
Me: Floor cleaner?... the same one I use to get the grime off the floor?
Ex: Yes.
Me: But I thought you couldn't use household detergent on cars...that's what you've been telling me for years...
Ex: No, you can't use dishwash detergent, but you can use floor cleaner.
It didn't make sense. Is it just me? I was stunned that by his standards, you can use a combination of chemicals known to strip every particle of dirt and 99% of germs from a floor but not a detergent that is "soft on hands".
So, let me ask you readers, would you clean your car with FLOOR CLEANER?
I'd be grateful for any replies on this matter because you all know that my purpose in life is to prove to him that I'm not stupid and not crazy, so I really need to know - is it just me who thinks this is a bad idea?
Love you all.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
underneath the facade of stability
Rational Me:What's wrong?
Emotional me: Nothing.
RM: C'mon, something's bothering you
EM: I don't know...
RM: Something's up... c'mon, be honest... did someone do something
EM: No, not really, things are just the same...
RM: Then why the tantrum this morning... it was a bit over the top wasn't it?
EM: I guess...
RM: You slammed the door... you must be angry
EM: Yes I was, but it wasn't anything anyone did. It was just there and it blew up inside. Better to let something that horrible out don't you think?
RM: Maybe, but not if it hurts other people, like it did to your son. He thinks you hate him now.
EM: I know. I've talked to him about it and I think we're OK, but yes, not good to expose him to that in the first place. I'll have to make sure he knows I love him to no end.
RM: You've got your work cut out for you haven't you? So, back to what things are making you so angry now...
EM: The usual, but I think I'm focussing on the fact that I'm bored and then I get angry that I have to waste more of my days here.
RM: Are you wasting your days?
EM: Not really, because I'm still teaching and looking after the kids so that's something, but I can feel myself being torn in two. My life here and my life back home, waiting for me. If it wasn't for ex, I'd be back home, the kids would be enjoying their school and I'd be able to move on...
RM: Maybe you can focus on the good things, try to make it better for you and the kids.
EM: I try, but I'm so tired. Just. So. Tired. I don't really get up before 10 and then I go lie on the couch because I'm still tired. After lunch I need to drink more coffee so I don't fall asleep because I'm still tired. I hate myself for it.
Yes, I know, it's tough. But only another year to go.
Last time I really thought about this, one year didn't seem like such a long time, but it's taking forever now. It just seems to stretch itself out.
So what can you do to make it better?
Focus on the moment...
See you know what to do...
Yes, but even if I do, I feel like there's a huge chunk of my life missing, things that I'd be able to do in Australia that I can't do here.
Like what?
Work, for one thing. Be more social, perhaps make some new friends, meet someone nice, the kids could have more friends... they're bored too.
Do you think you're making more of your life there than it would be in reality?
Probably, I mean, I've never really been social, but I think for the kids, the fantasy of their life there could become a reality.
But your reality now is that it can't happen can it?
No...but I want it to so much... I want to say something to him
Like what?
Like, he still can't support his family properly and he should just give us up so he can sort himself out
Like he wanted you to do?
Yes, he wanted me to go away to sort myself out and I did for a while, but then I came back and did it. I'm pretty much sorted, for now anyway.
Yes, you did good, but you didn't go away entirely did you? You came back...
Yes, but I did in two years what he hasn't been able to do in 4 or 5. It's been 5 long years already.
But you want him to give up the kids when you weren't prepared to do that...
Kids need their mum...
And they need their dads. Isn't that all he is doing? What you did?
Yes, but mine didn't have financial complications.
So your worried about money?
Yes... and no. We still have some, I'm still earning a bit... but I wish he would earn more. what's the point of going into more debt. We've been there already, I hated it but it doesn't seem to be a big deal for him.
So why don't you talk to him? Are you afraid?
Yes, he'll think I'm just doing it as an excuse to take the kids. I don't want to hurt him, not like that, because I think that if he's hurt like that one more time, he'll try something stupid.
So you're worried about his suicidal thoughts?
Yes, I don't want to be the catalyst for that kind of thing. I couldn't bear it, knowing that he'd offed himself for something I said. I've got enough guilt on my plate, knowing he blames me and only me for fucking up our marriage.
So can you be strong and wait it out, knowing that if you do, your kids will have many more years to know their father... even if it's from a distance?
I don't know... maybe
You've done more than this you know... facing yourself was a bigger thing than just maintaining the peace...
I know.
You can do this, just one more year. You've come this far, don't throw it all away now.
No, you're right, I can't.
Emotional me: Nothing.
RM: C'mon, something's bothering you
EM: I don't know...
RM: Something's up... c'mon, be honest... did someone do something
EM: No, not really, things are just the same...
RM: Then why the tantrum this morning... it was a bit over the top wasn't it?
EM: I guess...
RM: You slammed the door... you must be angry
EM: Yes I was, but it wasn't anything anyone did. It was just there and it blew up inside. Better to let something that horrible out don't you think?
RM: Maybe, but not if it hurts other people, like it did to your son. He thinks you hate him now.
EM: I know. I've talked to him about it and I think we're OK, but yes, not good to expose him to that in the first place. I'll have to make sure he knows I love him to no end.
RM: You've got your work cut out for you haven't you? So, back to what things are making you so angry now...
EM: The usual, but I think I'm focussing on the fact that I'm bored and then I get angry that I have to waste more of my days here.
RM: Are you wasting your days?
EM: Not really, because I'm still teaching and looking after the kids so that's something, but I can feel myself being torn in two. My life here and my life back home, waiting for me. If it wasn't for ex, I'd be back home, the kids would be enjoying their school and I'd be able to move on...
RM: Maybe you can focus on the good things, try to make it better for you and the kids.
EM: I try, but I'm so tired. Just. So. Tired. I don't really get up before 10 and then I go lie on the couch because I'm still tired. After lunch I need to drink more coffee so I don't fall asleep because I'm still tired. I hate myself for it.
Yes, I know, it's tough. But only another year to go.
Last time I really thought about this, one year didn't seem like such a long time, but it's taking forever now. It just seems to stretch itself out.
So what can you do to make it better?
Focus on the moment...
See you know what to do...
Yes, but even if I do, I feel like there's a huge chunk of my life missing, things that I'd be able to do in Australia that I can't do here.
Like what?
Work, for one thing. Be more social, perhaps make some new friends, meet someone nice, the kids could have more friends... they're bored too.
Do you think you're making more of your life there than it would be in reality?
Probably, I mean, I've never really been social, but I think for the kids, the fantasy of their life there could become a reality.
But your reality now is that it can't happen can it?
No...but I want it to so much... I want to say something to him
Like what?
Like, he still can't support his family properly and he should just give us up so he can sort himself out
Like he wanted you to do?
Yes, he wanted me to go away to sort myself out and I did for a while, but then I came back and did it. I'm pretty much sorted, for now anyway.
Yes, you did good, but you didn't go away entirely did you? You came back...
Yes, but I did in two years what he hasn't been able to do in 4 or 5. It's been 5 long years already.
But you want him to give up the kids when you weren't prepared to do that...
Kids need their mum...
And they need their dads. Isn't that all he is doing? What you did?
Yes, but mine didn't have financial complications.
So your worried about money?
Yes... and no. We still have some, I'm still earning a bit... but I wish he would earn more. what's the point of going into more debt. We've been there already, I hated it but it doesn't seem to be a big deal for him.
So why don't you talk to him? Are you afraid?
Yes, he'll think I'm just doing it as an excuse to take the kids. I don't want to hurt him, not like that, because I think that if he's hurt like that one more time, he'll try something stupid.
So you're worried about his suicidal thoughts?
Yes, I don't want to be the catalyst for that kind of thing. I couldn't bear it, knowing that he'd offed himself for something I said. I've got enough guilt on my plate, knowing he blames me and only me for fucking up our marriage.
So can you be strong and wait it out, knowing that if you do, your kids will have many more years to know their father... even if it's from a distance?
I don't know... maybe
You've done more than this you know... facing yourself was a bigger thing than just maintaining the peace...
I know.
You can do this, just one more year. You've come this far, don't throw it all away now.
No, you're right, I can't.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Things I love...
This... the best song ever! "Can't Let You Go" by Adam, of course. That voice. OMFG.
Phenomenal voice.
Phenomenal voice.
letting loose... just a bit
I was selfish for another night this week, last night in fact. It was my best friend's birthday and she invited me to go for dinner with them. A 9-course Chinese meal at one of the better restaurants around here. After that, a stint at a local karaoke place. It wasn't my kind of thing, but I went anyway, to watch and really, just to stay out of the house.
I sat there, listened, smiled and... had a beer! Huh? Now, I don't drink beer, I never have because I don't like the taste, but there it was. It was the only drink this stupid place had, besides water, so I braved it. Not bad. Not great, but OK. I could probably get used to it. As I sat there, sipping my first beer, watching my friend and her family were belting out all manner of Chinese songs, laughing and having a great time, the thing that struck me was that ex and I have never had this much fun together. Never! I'm not kidding. Not even when we were young and stupid. We've done things together that we've enjoyed, but we've never had the all out, make an idiot of yourself, rolling on the floor laughing fun that these people were having. Hmmmm, I'd never noticed that before. We didn't laugh that much at all together. We'd laugh and have a good time with friends and really enjoy ourselves (well I did anyway), but not like this. I found it a bit sad really.
And I think, now that I've seen it, that it's important. My friend's husband can (and does) carry on like an idiot, poke fun at her, dance hideously and step on her feet doing it, and she doesn't care. She still loves him and he her. They're not embarrassed by each other's antics, they don't tell each other to 'cut it out', there's no awkwardness. It's just fun and they are happy for each other to have it. Of course, this type of behaviour is not for everyone, but that's not the important part. The important part is how comfortable they feel with each other and the fact that they can make each other laugh .
I've never really noticed that before about ex and I - that we could never be that comfortable with each other. There was always a mutual degree of inhibition with us and while that might be good in front of a group of strangers, I'm not so sure it's what I want to have with the person in my life that should know me better than anyone else. So when I think about it now, how uptight we were with each other, I think HUGE RED FLAG and think no wonder it didn't work!
At least I'm aware of it now. If there's ever going to be a time when I am with someone else, I know that I should be able to feel like I can belt out a song and that person will still be smiling at me afterward, even if they are cringing a little - which they would do, given I can't sing to save myself.
On a lighter note, I did join in the singing last night. Not on the microphone, because mics just make me clam up, but as a background voice to help them sort the timing of the English songs that they'd selected. They played Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and really, they had no idea. It was fun.
Cheers.
I sat there, listened, smiled and... had a beer! Huh? Now, I don't drink beer, I never have because I don't like the taste, but there it was. It was the only drink this stupid place had, besides water, so I braved it. Not bad. Not great, but OK. I could probably get used to it. As I sat there, sipping my first beer, watching my friend and her family were belting out all manner of Chinese songs, laughing and having a great time, the thing that struck me was that ex and I have never had this much fun together. Never! I'm not kidding. Not even when we were young and stupid. We've done things together that we've enjoyed, but we've never had the all out, make an idiot of yourself, rolling on the floor laughing fun that these people were having. Hmmmm, I'd never noticed that before. We didn't laugh that much at all together. We'd laugh and have a good time with friends and really enjoy ourselves (well I did anyway), but not like this. I found it a bit sad really.
And I think, now that I've seen it, that it's important. My friend's husband can (and does) carry on like an idiot, poke fun at her, dance hideously and step on her feet doing it, and she doesn't care. She still loves him and he her. They're not embarrassed by each other's antics, they don't tell each other to 'cut it out', there's no awkwardness. It's just fun and they are happy for each other to have it. Of course, this type of behaviour is not for everyone, but that's not the important part. The important part is how comfortable they feel with each other and the fact that they can make each other laugh .
I've never really noticed that before about ex and I - that we could never be that comfortable with each other. There was always a mutual degree of inhibition with us and while that might be good in front of a group of strangers, I'm not so sure it's what I want to have with the person in my life that should know me better than anyone else. So when I think about it now, how uptight we were with each other, I think HUGE RED FLAG and think no wonder it didn't work!
At least I'm aware of it now. If there's ever going to be a time when I am with someone else, I know that I should be able to feel like I can belt out a song and that person will still be smiling at me afterward, even if they are cringing a little - which they would do, given I can't sing to save myself.
On a lighter note, I did join in the singing last night. Not on the microphone, because mics just make me clam up, but as a background voice to help them sort the timing of the English songs that they'd selected. They played Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and really, they had no idea. It was fun.
Cheers.
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