Maybe the penny is finally dropping for me

I've been mulling over ex's behaviour recently because something's not quite right about it. And not just his behaviour with me, but also towards other people. They don't see it of course, because they don't hear the denigrating comments, the impatience in his voice, the under-his-breath mumblings. I must point out that he doesn't do this all the time, but enough for me to notice.

When you meet ex for the first time, he is pleasant. He's nice, generous and can play along with the silly stuff - sometimes. With the kids he's cheery and enthusiastic (now as opposed to being almost non-existent before), always putting out new ideas about what we can do at this time or that. He's polite and aware and will help when needed. He's careful about imposing on people, about doing things the right way. He doesn't like to bother people and he doesn't like US to bother people either.

These days he's concentrating on being able to 'let things go' - as in not getting stressed when other people do things that are not to his liking, for whatever reason. He finds it hard to tolerate inefficiency and clumsiness or things that he thinks should be preventable (why make things harder for yourself than they should be). Being with me has made his impatience with these traits a lot worse.

But in trying to let go of the stress that's generated within himself, he comments, mumbles and most annoyingly hums inane tunes to fill his head with noise so that he doesn't think about what's going on around him. These are the behaviours that I'm noticing more and more now and the ones that trouble me.

With the website that he did for the flood, he was often annoyed about people asking for road closure advice when he'd mentioned umpteen times that they should look at the government website or ring the police stations. I guess it did get tedious, but that's the nature of people - they want the shortest way to get the information they need. When I mentioned to him about the nice thing a friend had said about him on the web site he dissed it and said "ahh, that guy's into all that sort of thing". I couldn't ask him to clarify without seeming sarcastic - "what, you mean appreciating other people's hard work". I mean i get it that he didn't do the website for solely for personal gain, he did it because he could and knew it would help. But if someone chooses to compliment your efforts, take it gracefully. If I was that guy, I'd be offended.

What I'm trying to say is that ex is never what he appears to be. That's showing through more now than ever before. It used to really (understandably) upset me - I can't count the times in our relationship where I thought we were doing really well and he'd say "well I've been really angry/upset with us for the past two weeks" - and it would surprise me each and every time. I had no idea and could never figure it out because it never showed up in his behaviour.

Now I know better. Now, I can see subtle (and not so subtle) cues of stress that tell me that all is not right with him. And I have no delusions about how he feels about me anymore. Unless I'm with the kids or he needs my help or I need his, I'm pretty much non-existent to him. He proved that with his behaviour in the last post. I wonder if his friends notice it. He does have friends, just not anyone super close as far as I know.

His exercise in 'letting go' looks a bit futile to me - he tells himself to but then it's seems like such an effort to do it. It's like he's not doing it with a good heart - there's resistance there and it's not helping him at all. I know from what I've been through that it's only when you truly surrender your mind and heart to what is, that genuine change will take place.

I've been writing this post for the past two days and in that time, a lot of the behaviours that really irk me have taken a back seat and a gentler, more compassionate ex has emerged. Strange. He's asked about my arm, whether it hurts and asked if the cast gets heavy and commented (without a hint of sarcasm) "I'm sure you didn't want this..." - no I didn't I replied, but left it at that. He's also been talking to me like I'm an adult and not a child, which I've appreciated. But I'm careful and reserved with him - I don't trust him to keep treating me well and I'm not buying into it.

Previously, when it's been like this, I've let my guard down and thought "oh, he's so good, it must have been me" but when I think about it like this, I think 'dysfunction' on his part and I remember that he's responsible for this mess too. Incredulous as it might seem to anyone reading this, sometimes I still forget, especially when he sounds so rational. So perhaps after all this time, the murky waters of this 'relationship' are starting to clear.

Oh f@&*, I'm a mess

Ican't even begin to sort the huge tangle of thoughts that began to invade my mind last night, after dinner. Truly, it's like one of those storm surges - little niggly bits here and there, a few thoughtless comments, a look, a gesture and then WHOOSH - all those things band together and come crashing down into my mind.Then it becomes, should I say something, why did he look at me that way, who would say something like that, he never makes sense, he's such a hypocrite. And I feel so bad feeling this way about him because now he's a bit of a local hero, as you can see from Segamat.com, and I quote from a friend of his:

"YEE JIN did a fantastic job but he is on his own. Solo. Long Ranger. He asked me to be his Tonto during the flood crisis along with my new buddy Dusty. Personally - I had great fun helping out. After some thoughts - Segamat needs to be rebuilt. The economic losses are terrible. The only thing I can think of is to use Segamat.Com as a platform to encourage more tourists, more investors to bring in the $$$. It's a beautiful place, Segamat - this natural disaster has taught us not to mess with nature. We need to co-exist with nature." ~ MK

I saw this and felt like writing that cliche that says "behind every good man..." because they don't see (and of course they can't) what he's like to live with. I don't know if it's me being over-sensitive or him just being really annoying, but the past few days have been tough with him. He's constantly locking his bedroom door behind him when he goes in there (to keep us out???), his comments are continuously peppered with referrals to having to cater for "the Lowest Common Denominator" and having to be patient because "people are who they are". (I can't help but take this personally because when we used to talk about our problems, he would refer to me as our "LCD".) I keep hearing "see, we can do better", "there's always a better way" and it clouds my reality so I end up missing it when he does say something good, like aren't we lucky that mummy makes us such a nice dinner" and "you have changed a lot".

Talking with him is hard because we end up talking about how we're talking, or how I don't give proper context, or, or, or so many other trivial things that ultimately end up trashing whatever good intentions I had of talking to him. What I would give to have a decent conversation with someone that I really connect with.

Our reunion dinner, which we ended up going out for at an open air food court, was REALLY nice. We'd changed our plans and made it so that everybody would come back to our house, which meant, after having 4 extra kids to stay, I had to clean up the house - one handed, albeit with a little help from the kids. We did it and we did a great job. The house looked clean, we'd decorated a bit more and overall did what ex wanted to. We were late thanks to ex who decided that in the late afternoon, he wanted to wire up some outside lanterns, which proved more challenging than he expected.

On the way home from dinner, after hearing more comments about how it's always OK to follow the advice of someone else, I asked him whether we could drop off some things that belonged to the little girls who'd stayed with us. He said no, it wasn't ok, because it was a time to be spent with family, but added that if I chose to ask my sis in law to take me, that would be my business. I'd actually asked her if she could during dinner and she'd agreed but when I told her that ex wasn't happy about it, she offered to deliver it for me on their way home - she's married to his brother so she understands my situation. The thing that pissed me the most though was that after we got home, he went straight to his computer and stayed there! After telling me that I should be spending time with family AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY! Hence the hypocrite thoughts mentioned above.

And i was (unreasonably) mad at him also for not talking to me at all after everyone had left and the kids were in bed. He went to his room, locked the door and that was that. Day done. Not a thankyou for playing host while his family were here and he was in his room, not a comment or a bid goodnight. Nothing. Oh how I crave to sit with someone, drink tea and mull the day over, with someone who's on the same page as me.

So even though I know this will pass, what with the floods, and my damn useless arm and everything else, you can well imagine how much I hate living here this week.

goodnight.

Ps And I miss driving, oh how I miss driving.

Floods and Cyclones

Hang in there, people of Queensland, the rest of Australia is thinking of you.

Meanwhile, here's the mess that is my children's school.

Li Chi School Blog

Mr S, after all this, all this and more, I'm really not sold on the idea that global warming is a myth anymore. We must be doing something wrong... we humans that is.

Too sad to write more. maybe tomorrow.

I think the worst may be over

And we're back. The river has surged and receded and the water is going back where it belongs. Houses near the river experienced rising waters of 6ft or more. There was at least 2 - 3ft of water going through most other places. The water near my place got as far as our corner service station. We were very, very lucky. And unlike most houses, we still have power because apparently we're on a different grid to our neighbours across the road. I don't know how it works, I'm just grateful.

People are slowly returning to their homes and starting the painful process of cleaning up. With my arm, I can't do much to help, but I can look after kids, so I'm doing that. My student Zhi Lin and her 2 sisters are spending the day and probably the night here while their mum organises their house. Even if she manages to clean it, the stench will be over-powering, so they can stay here the night.. All the mud and sludge, yuk.

Jin's efforts on the computer have made him somewhat of a local hero. His web site, segamat.com has been useful in allowing people to communicate about the best way to get back, what the conditions are like and so on. Constant updates and photos means people can make up their own minds about whether to come back home for chinese new year or not. He even got a mention in the Star, the national (english) newspaper . I was really chuffed for him, but to him it's no big deal, or so it seems. Funny, it's what he's always wanted for his site, for it to be a place for people in the community to come together and share. Good for him I say and perhaps some of the karma will come back to him.

It's interesting, the thoughts that come during times like this. On the website I'd posted something and then someone asked who I was and I had to tell them I was 'admin's' wife. I really struggled with how to describe myself and my connection to the site and for a tiny second, I was proud to say that I was married to him... after all, here's this clever, lovely guy keeping everyone apprised of what's happening and the photo of him and his daughter is all warm and fuzzy. Who wouldn't like that. Then it occurred to me that this is one of those situations where the outside picture is so different from from what really is... and for a brief minute my mind alternated between "oh, if only they knew our story" and "I wish we could have been happy together because he is such a nice guy" and "it must have been my fault". Still, no point going there, is it. It is what it is and there's no going back now.

OK, I'm off now. I've been made one of the admin people for the site, so better go check on that.

Cheers.

Floods

It's strangely quiet here, too quiet. There are no cars driving past, no firecrackers that usually mark this time of year. With Chinese New Year just around the corner, it's supposed to be a time of celebration. But the Gods have turned and tonight, many are taking shelter in relief centres or friends' homes.

It started raining on Tuesday night, the night I was in hospital and hasn't stopped. Tonight, the river burst it's banks and both bridges are under water. That means the town, shops and supermarkets are all under. No-one knows how badly, there are no reporters, news coverage or even radio reports. It's just quiet.

People have had to make their own decisions and arrangements about where to go and when to get out, or so it seems. My best friends house, with all their books and computers, two of my students homes and the autistic centre are under water. Electricity is being cut, bit by bit, to housing estates as the water rises.

The flood of 2006 was supposed to be the big one. Once every 50 years the authorities said. 5 years later, people are going through it all again, but worse. It's unbelievable, that with all the work that was supposedly done on the drains, that the same thing has happened.

My house, so far, is OK. We're cut off from town, but there's no flooding around our immediate area. I still have water and electricity. We've stocked up on food, gas and water and hopefully it will be enough. Our phones are charged and tomorrow, all being well here, we may be able to help our friends.

I feel like I should be doing something, anything, but really there's nothing to do, except keep our own house in order and help out when needed.

If I don't follow up this post, it means the elect has been cut. But I will post updates when I can, to share this scary little journey we're about to go through. Send your positive thoughts people, we need them.

Some links:
segamat town, what it looks like

2006 flood

Segamat.com

A little mishap

Ten years ago, I slipped on the back step of my mother in law's house and landed on my arm, chipping the bone in my right elbow. 24 hours ago, I did just about the same thing - slipped over in my concrete yard here and this time dislocated my left elbow, quite badly it turns out.

The cleaner we'd gotten in for the morning was with me when I slipped. I was checking on her out the back when I stepped onto a shiny part of the concrete and lost my footing. It was one of those 'oh shit' moments when you just know you've lost control and that it's going to turn out badly. When I looked at my arm I could see a lump near my elbow and thought I'd broken it. It felt broken. I couldn't move my arm and touching it was not a good idea!

My first thought was to get to my phone and call ex. With the help of the cleaner I managed to get inside and do just that. I called him and said "you need to come home, take a taxi and come home. I've broken my arm." Of course he panicked a little, then called his mum and together they came to help. They also called my doctor to find out if I needed to go to hospital. We went straight to the emergency section, which luckily for me had no other people waiting. I was seen by a male triage nurse, then admitted as a local (it costs less) because I'm married to one, and seen by a Chinese doctor. Because of their work ethics, the Chinese are often seen as more competent than the Malays. I guess I must have the same bias because otherwise I wouldn't have noticed who was treating me.

The next hour passed with ex holding my hand (which took me by surprise) and telling me that it was going to be ok, that this will pass. he kept me informed of what was going to happen. He thought they'd give me a strong pain killer and that I would trip out and said he'd always wanted to experience that. Now, which one of you guys is going to come over and break his arm for me, so I can make his dream come true. LOL - just kidding - really! As it turned out, whatever they gave me didn't trip me out and only just took the edge off the pain. I did tell him though that if it affected me in any way, he was to ignore whatever I said. I've seen my mum under the influence of morphine and it's not something you want people to take seriously, so I thought I'd put out a disclaimer for my actions while I was still lucid!

A little while later I was wheeled through a series of corridors to the x-ray room, ex in tow. More pain and 15 minutes later, they could see the results of my mishap. Only one bone had come out but it was a good distance from where it should have been! Later I was made comfortable in a ward with 12 others. The nurses shyly relieved me of my wet trousers and put me in a hospital sarong. A more senior nurse came and explained that they were going to sedate me so they could "pull my arm" and could I please sign the consent form. I scratched out something resembling my signature and shortly after they wheeled me out to the treatment room and gave me another something into my intravenous line. I thought I'b be awake but drowsy when they did my arm but while I was waiting there I took a little nap and when I woke up, I was all fixed up! The emergency splint had been removed and replaced with a sling and the pain had gone! I was so grateful and amazed! I hadn't even felt them touch me, let alone pull my arm back into place.

So I've now experienced the services of the local government hospital, which in all honesty, wasn't too bad. The doctors spoke good English, the nurses did their job and I was all fixed up in less than two hours - which seemed like more because OMG, the pain! And I'm a real wuss when it comes to dealing with pain - just ask ex who admitted to being embarrassed when I'd yelled as the doctor set my arm ten years ago with no pain killers! I was grateful that they successfully sedated me when they set my arm back because I knew from 10 years back, that that kind of pain makes you scream out loud!

I stayed overnight. The kids came and saw me and brought me little 'get well' cards and some things to eat, which I was grateful for because the food was terrible - so spicy and very basic. Rice and (not very substantial), curry. I found I couldn't eat much anyway, so I read my book - ex had picked out The Power of Now (Tolle) and I had my phone with me so duly rang my mum and my sister 10 minutes later and found that she already knew! Mums!

Am back home now and more comfortable. mum in law is cooking for us and ex is doing the school run and shopping. will write more later.

Gossip always comes back to you

Two nights ago, the hour was late when he knocked on my door and said in his serious voice, I need to talk to you. For once in my life, my insides didn't start flipping out. Usually my first thought is "what have I done?" and then my stomach and heart go crazy, but this time they didn't

He sat down heavily on my bed and I could hear him thinking, "how am I going to say this?" and for a brief minute I thought he might be coming to tell me I could leave. But no, he said a friend, who is married to a teacher at the kids' school had said something about me taking the kids back to Melbourne next year. He also said that someone else had asked him when we were getting a divorce! Then he asked if I was responsible for these bits of information getting out into the open among the coffee shop (gossip) crowd.

I told him in the firmest voice I could that yes, I'd said something in confidence to the teachers at school because they'd asked me if I intended for my daughter to sit for the year 6 exam (which is really important here) and I'd told them that I would like her to do year 6 back home. I wasn't lying or trying to be antagonistic. They asked, I thought they needed to know. So apparently this teacher has told another teacher who is a friend of ex's who then asked him about it. I didn't deliberately go behind ex's back. Only a few months before that he'd gone on about letting Child Services know that I have custody of the two children so that I could claim benefits for them if and when appropriate. For the better part of the last two years, he's struggled both personally and financially and of course, even though it wasn't 100% certain, I assumed/ hoped/ wanted the children to come back with me. With him saying things like "Well they're going back with you anyway", what else was I supposed to think? And that's why I told the teacher what I did - and I only told that one teacher and made sure she understood that the children didn't know yet and we didn't want them to know yet.

I then told him that the divorce rumour had to have come from something he did a few years back. He went to Indonesia with his best friend, hooked up with some women/a woman and had a blast. We were already separated so I couldn't and didn't say anything. He came back, we got on with our lives. Now, two and a half years later, that little story is still circulating. I didn't go around discussing it with anyone and I've had that gossip come back to me less than 6 months ago via my best friend who got told by her hairdresser. I told ex that people see that we're not together because we're never actually seen together and people will come to their own conclusions. I'm not the only one who knew what he got up to in Indonesia - his bf (edit: that's best friend, not boyfriend LOL) was with him, whom he's now fallen out with - so that divorce rumour, that's not me.

I surprised myself by not getting emotional and being brave enough to tell him what I thought. He sat and listened, head down. I don't know if that was just because he felt like he couldn't say anything or whether he thought that what I was telling him was true. I hate these damn mind games we get into when we talk about something. It shits me and means I don't trust him.

His ultimate concern, and mine of course, is that the kids will hear something first from someone else. We both don't want that. He calmly reiterated that we should ensure that we do no more harm, that we be very careful who we talk to and that we should still consider our options. Nothing is written in stone. I agreed with him.

We talked for a while longer. It was amicable. He told me that now there are no hostile feelings towards me - no anger, no hostility. He went on to say that he has finally accepted that he can't 'fix' me and never could because he just didn't have the skills. Although I found this insulting (because it assumes that I needed to be fixed, which perhaps I did but that's not for him to say), I let it go. At one point he told me how well he knows me - which I couldn't let go and so I told him "please, don't ever say that again." He didn't like that but he never likes it when I go up against him. He makes such assumptions about how I come to decisions, what my reactions will be and how I'm feeling, all based on our screwed up past. I hate it because he never listens to how I really feel or what I really think.

Having said that, he does acknowledge that I've changed a lot. I know when I write here that it sounds like he doesn't think I've changed at all - he says he's noticed the difference but I have to question that when he says things like "well, you know how you make decisions." Uggh!

Back to the conversation, I was feeling brave so I continued to be honest about what I was thinking about our whole situation. I actually told him that the finances cross my mind occasionally but that it wasn't something I obsessed over - although I probably do sometimes. I eventually want to question him about where he's going to get enough money once the current supply runs out. He's since told me that he's getting paid for the work he's doing so we should be OK. I even asked him he's set up a company yet - not yet. And that was all we said about the finances.

It's the most talking we've done about our situation since we started this bloody thing 2 and a half years back. Tonight he's in Singapore with a friend to meet up with a potential client. Good for him if he gets the job. But oh, I can't wait til this is all over.

'night. Mr S, it was nice seeing you today on Skype. We'll do it again soon now that the camera is up and running again.

Cheers.