Today i'm at a seminar being held in my town, with the subjects being colon cancer and mental health. My MIL asked me to come along, sayng it would be good, i could learn something. I sort of said i would and encouraged by the fact that they would be speaking in English, here i am.
I didn't wan to come because i didn't want to plan with ex. It's always hard to do that. I'm so awkward and uncomfortable with him, just asking if he wants a coffee is difficult.
But i did plan, at the last minute which is never a good thing, because his mum was really keen for me to come. So i'm really here because she wants me to be here, not because i really want to be.
And although she was sure it would be in english, it is not. It's in malay, a language i only know a bit of. Don't bother to ask me why, after living here for almost 6 years, i still do not know enough of the local language to understand what is being said here. I will put forth a barrage of excuses such as, all the people speak in a local slang anyway, i didn't have time to learn it to "i have an emotional block thst makes it impossible for me to learn a language of the country where i feel trapped. I have many more in case you dare to ask. All of them are just excuses and really i should be fluent in malay by now.
So, ipad in hand, connection to the hotel wifi established, I'm off to translate any visual presenttions they provide so that i at least get something from my 4 hours spent here.
And guess what, i'm not the only one who can't understand malay and mandarin -my MIL can't either and she was born here. She speaks hokkien, a chinese dialect and was educated in english when the British were in charge.
NOT JUST ME
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
I don't agree with you
I love passion. Or rather, people who are passionate about what they do. I think it's the key to a good life. We all have our thing. Some people solve problems, some people write, still others sing or dance. Me? I teach kids who are slow to do things. That's my thing and I've known it since I was a teen. I love what I do and have never regretted getting a job in that field. I'm good at it and I know it. I'm not bragging, but know in my life what I was supposed to do here on earth.
Good things come from passion. Life happens in a good way. Passion takes us places. It gives us joy and makes life full. I feel for anyone who doesn't love their job or doesn't have a passion in life. To me, it's one of the most important things we can have. And I want my kids to have that, to love what they do.
And I think that by exposing them to a well rounded education, they have a good chance of finding whatever it is that they love in life. If they get to try lots of different things and explore the world, they're bound to find something that fills them up like no other thing can. And I'm not talking about money or love. I'm talking about stuff like building or science or the environment or kids or animals or performing. A place where they can shine and be all they were meant to be.
And that's where the difference of opinion comes in. Last night I heard him say that life skills are important. More important than education! MORE IMPORTANT THAN EDUCATION! Life skills he considers important, according to last night's conversation include doing the housework in a timely manner, logical sequencing of events, being aware of the impact of your behaviour on people, conducting yourself in a manner that won't embarrass yourself those sorts of things. Those things are also areas he considers me lacking in, so how can I teach something I don't have. He has it of course. He can do the dishes properly in 10 minutes. He knows to sweep from one end of the room to the other and not to pile the dirt where people will walk.
Good things come from passion. Life happens in a good way. Passion takes us places. It gives us joy and makes life full. I feel for anyone who doesn't love their job or doesn't have a passion in life. To me, it's one of the most important things we can have. And I want my kids to have that, to love what they do.
And I think that by exposing them to a well rounded education, they have a good chance of finding whatever it is that they love in life. If they get to try lots of different things and explore the world, they're bound to find something that fills them up like no other thing can. And I'm not talking about money or love. I'm talking about stuff like building or science or the environment or kids or animals or performing. A place where they can shine and be all they were meant to be.
And that's where the difference of opinion comes in. Last night I heard him say that life skills are important. More important than education! MORE IMPORTANT THAN EDUCATION! Life skills he considers important, according to last night's conversation include doing the housework in a timely manner, logical sequencing of events, being aware of the impact of your behaviour on people, conducting yourself in a manner that won't embarrass yourself those sorts of things. Those things are also areas he considers me lacking in, so how can I teach something I don't have. He has it of course. He can do the dishes properly in 10 minutes. He knows to sweep from one end of the room to the other and not to pile the dirt where people will walk.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The weekly purge
Written on Sunday, not sure why I didn't publish.
It's been a full week, which is why this is the first real chance I've had to sit, think and write.
Monday was interesting. Ex and I dropped the kids at school and then went to Johor Baru, our state capital, to renew my visa. I'd told my mum I didn't want to go. I had been feeling the resistance inside me for a couple of weeks and managed to work myself into a spin about it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to go, I really didn't want to spend that much time alone with ex, doing something that felt so wrong.
It took us two hours to get there, the drive was pleasant. Ex talked a lot about expectations and while he was doing so, I'd rumble around in my bag to make sure I had EVERYTHING I needed. I'd rung the Immigration Department in the previous week, to make sure we had the time frame right and that we would bring the right amount of money. I didn't stop and think why they'd changed their telephone number.
We got there and funnily enough, got lost in the small car park that we've parked in for the past 5 years. It took us 10 bloody minutes to find the exit and, of course, working in the way the universe does, this should have been a warning. Outside, the street was quiet. It should have been busy. At the foot of the building, there were fewer stalls. We were both muttering 'this doesn't look good' and it just got worse as we made our way to the second floor of the building. When we got there, the doors were locked, lights off, not a soul in sight. WTF????
We went down a floor to the Malaysian passport office, hoping against hope that they were there. They weren't. The whole office had moved, to another part of town. They gave us the new address and sent us on our way. Now, in Melbourne this wouldn't be a problem. Get the address, take out the Melways and you really are on your way. Not so in Malaysia. The process is a little different. Firstly, we didn't have a map of JB and finding our way through the tangle of roads with the constant roadworks just wasn't an option. The one thing in our favour at this point was that we'd decided to take the iPad with us.
So, we went down to the car where ex, knowing that this kind of situation can lead to a complete meltdown between us, pleaded with me not to have one. He needed me to help him and didn't need a "boil-up" (that's ex for meltdown!!!LOL). What we needed to do was to find a McDonalds because they always have free WIFI, so that we could get some food and find our way to this new place. I was completely with him I said, but he said it again just in case I didn't get the message the first time. I could see him actively trying to manage his own stress but knew that he had to be thinking that this was my fault and that I should have know about the change in address. I didn't and wouldn't have anyway because even if I'd seen the new address, I didn't know enough of the old one to know that it had changed. Understand????
Anyway, we drove around for half an hour looking for a McDonalds or an unlocked WIFI signal or both. We ended up in the back of some industrial estate then drove on some more, before we finally saw those wonderful Golden Arches that signal you are back in the civilised world. We went in, ordered some food and coffee and thanks to GOOGLE MAPS, found our desired route. As it was, according to the map, we were only ten minutes away. In the meantime, ex was talking about how I should get to know my iPad more so it would be more useful, because I couldn't tell him how to save a map. These things are very useful he said, but we must know how to use them properly. OK THEN!
We got out, we drove there, we found parking, we filled in the forms, I had what I needed (passports, forms, marriage certificate, birth cert etc and surprised ex by also having some passport photos of both of us. This year they also needed thumb prints on one of the forms. I tell you, I think they change it every year to discourage people from renewing. It's easier to just get on a plane and go home! Really, it is.
At five, we were finally finished and the visa was done and paid for and in my pocket, three weeks before expiring. When he walked out of there, he said, "It's been a good day." Phew.
We got lost again after that, ended up in a dive of a shopping centre, drove around some more and eventually found the shopping centre we were looking for. He wanted to do some shopping, while I would have been happy to just drive home. At this point, my back was killing me because I'd aggravated an old back injury on the weekend and driving around in his mother's old car (it uses less petrol he said), which is low to the ground, was not helping. However, not wanting to be a whinger and because he was in charge of driving, I said OK and we went shopping. As soon as we'd had coffee and something to eat, we split up. We needed to break from each other and I needed to clear my head. We met again at 7 and drove the 2 hours home.
Phew! No meltdowns, despite the circumstances and a new visa, valid for one more year, of which I only plan to use for 6 months.
*
So that was Monday. The kids started back at school this week, so we're back into the school routine of getting up early, lunch picnics in the car, getting homework done in the afternoons and trying to find time to play in between all that. The son's homework load is not as bad as I thought it would be. One or two pieces, sometimes three or four a day and he gets it done. Daughter is also coping quite well with her workload. Both kids passed their exams well, topping their classes in English. Son's improvement has been significant. He's gone from 1A, B's and C's to 6A's and B and a C. It's made him feel good and for that I'm glad.
*
Today ex has taken son for the day, to spend some quality time with him. Ex is trying to teach son to be a bit more flexible, to open his mind a bit more, to challenge him. All noble pursuits, except that he tends to throw our son in the deep end. Like today when he told son that they were going to do a project together that would probably involve glueing his lego blocks together with some hot glue!! That was it for Yiethen, all he could imagine was his lego being destroyed. Ex eventually retracted the plan and told son they'd do it his way. The way he said it though, he sounded like a child talking to another child.
I do wish he'd be more subtle with YieThen though. I think he pushes him the way he does because he thinks I coddle him. And I probably do, but then again, I think all mothers do. But to push him that hard is not always the best idea. It makes Yiethen push harder back and ex already knows from his experience with me that the harder you push, the more the other person will push back. But I can't tell him that. Their relationship has to play out the way it will so that they can both learn from it.
It's been a full week, which is why this is the first real chance I've had to sit, think and write.
Monday was interesting. Ex and I dropped the kids at school and then went to Johor Baru, our state capital, to renew my visa. I'd told my mum I didn't want to go. I had been feeling the resistance inside me for a couple of weeks and managed to work myself into a spin about it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to go, I really didn't want to spend that much time alone with ex, doing something that felt so wrong.
It took us two hours to get there, the drive was pleasant. Ex talked a lot about expectations and while he was doing so, I'd rumble around in my bag to make sure I had EVERYTHING I needed. I'd rung the Immigration Department in the previous week, to make sure we had the time frame right and that we would bring the right amount of money. I didn't stop and think why they'd changed their telephone number.
We got there and funnily enough, got lost in the small car park that we've parked in for the past 5 years. It took us 10 bloody minutes to find the exit and, of course, working in the way the universe does, this should have been a warning. Outside, the street was quiet. It should have been busy. At the foot of the building, there were fewer stalls. We were both muttering 'this doesn't look good' and it just got worse as we made our way to the second floor of the building. When we got there, the doors were locked, lights off, not a soul in sight. WTF????
We went down a floor to the Malaysian passport office, hoping against hope that they were there. They weren't. The whole office had moved, to another part of town. They gave us the new address and sent us on our way. Now, in Melbourne this wouldn't be a problem. Get the address, take out the Melways and you really are on your way. Not so in Malaysia. The process is a little different. Firstly, we didn't have a map of JB and finding our way through the tangle of roads with the constant roadworks just wasn't an option. The one thing in our favour at this point was that we'd decided to take the iPad with us.
So, we went down to the car where ex, knowing that this kind of situation can lead to a complete meltdown between us, pleaded with me not to have one. He needed me to help him and didn't need a "boil-up" (that's ex for meltdown!!!LOL). What we needed to do was to find a McDonalds because they always have free WIFI, so that we could get some food and find our way to this new place. I was completely with him I said, but he said it again just in case I didn't get the message the first time. I could see him actively trying to manage his own stress but knew that he had to be thinking that this was my fault and that I should have know about the change in address. I didn't and wouldn't have anyway because even if I'd seen the new address, I didn't know enough of the old one to know that it had changed. Understand????
Anyway, we drove around for half an hour looking for a McDonalds or an unlocked WIFI signal or both. We ended up in the back of some industrial estate then drove on some more, before we finally saw those wonderful Golden Arches that signal you are back in the civilised world. We went in, ordered some food and coffee and thanks to GOOGLE MAPS, found our desired route. As it was, according to the map, we were only ten minutes away. In the meantime, ex was talking about how I should get to know my iPad more so it would be more useful, because I couldn't tell him how to save a map. These things are very useful he said, but we must know how to use them properly. OK THEN!
We got out, we drove there, we found parking, we filled in the forms, I had what I needed (passports, forms, marriage certificate, birth cert etc and surprised ex by also having some passport photos of both of us. This year they also needed thumb prints on one of the forms. I tell you, I think they change it every year to discourage people from renewing. It's easier to just get on a plane and go home! Really, it is.
At five, we were finally finished and the visa was done and paid for and in my pocket, three weeks before expiring. When he walked out of there, he said, "It's been a good day." Phew.
We got lost again after that, ended up in a dive of a shopping centre, drove around some more and eventually found the shopping centre we were looking for. He wanted to do some shopping, while I would have been happy to just drive home. At this point, my back was killing me because I'd aggravated an old back injury on the weekend and driving around in his mother's old car (it uses less petrol he said), which is low to the ground, was not helping. However, not wanting to be a whinger and because he was in charge of driving, I said OK and we went shopping. As soon as we'd had coffee and something to eat, we split up. We needed to break from each other and I needed to clear my head. We met again at 7 and drove the 2 hours home.
Phew! No meltdowns, despite the circumstances and a new visa, valid for one more year, of which I only plan to use for 6 months.
*
So that was Monday. The kids started back at school this week, so we're back into the school routine of getting up early, lunch picnics in the car, getting homework done in the afternoons and trying to find time to play in between all that. The son's homework load is not as bad as I thought it would be. One or two pieces, sometimes three or four a day and he gets it done. Daughter is also coping quite well with her workload. Both kids passed their exams well, topping their classes in English. Son's improvement has been significant. He's gone from 1A, B's and C's to 6A's and B and a C. It's made him feel good and for that I'm glad.
*
Today ex has taken son for the day, to spend some quality time with him. Ex is trying to teach son to be a bit more flexible, to open his mind a bit more, to challenge him. All noble pursuits, except that he tends to throw our son in the deep end. Like today when he told son that they were going to do a project together that would probably involve glueing his lego blocks together with some hot glue!! That was it for Yiethen, all he could imagine was his lego being destroyed. Ex eventually retracted the plan and told son they'd do it his way. The way he said it though, he sounded like a child talking to another child.
I do wish he'd be more subtle with YieThen though. I think he pushes him the way he does because he thinks I coddle him. And I probably do, but then again, I think all mothers do. But to push him that hard is not always the best idea. It makes Yiethen push harder back and ex already knows from his experience with me that the harder you push, the more the other person will push back. But I can't tell him that. Their relationship has to play out the way it will so that they can both learn from it.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Beautiful girl
I am a proud mum today. Last night we attended a dinner and dance performance organized by the kid's dance school. It was held in a school hall, where tables had been set up around the perimeter and a restaurant called in to cater the dinner. Dancers from the school perform for the guests and my daughter was in the children's Latin dance group.
I hadn't seen her nearly all day as she'd been at the studio for the afternoon rehearsing and then getting her hair and makeup done. When I next saw her, all done up with her makeup and costume, she was stunning. The makeup really brought out her features - she has beautiful eyes - deep brown and almond shaped, but with her eyes 'done', they were positively huge and more beautiful. And she danced well, too, especiallly considering she's only been learning for a few months.
After she'd finished her number, she found our table and joined us for dinner. Of course, she was starving so she ate and then we took some photos. We enjoyed the rest of the night together and then ex took us all for supper at McDonalds to round off a very big day for my girl.
When we're out now, we see quite a few people that we know. Relatives on ex's Mother's side, students I've taught in the past, acquaintances from some place or other. When I see them, I know they see us as a happy family. We look like we've got it all, when in fact, nearly nothing of the picture they see is true. We are not happily married living in a stable happy relationship. I wonder if they can see the true things, both good and bad. The looks that get passed between ex and I, the stress that warns the kids not to play up too much, the tension tht hovers above us like a black cloud. I wonder if ex feels that cloud....I wonder if it's visible to other people. I guess that's the 'bad energy' that ex thinks I live with all the time, which of course I don't, just with him.
Just goes to show, you can never tell what's happening behind closed doors.
I hadn't seen her nearly all day as she'd been at the studio for the afternoon rehearsing and then getting her hair and makeup done. When I next saw her, all done up with her makeup and costume, she was stunning. The makeup really brought out her features - she has beautiful eyes - deep brown and almond shaped, but with her eyes 'done', they were positively huge and more beautiful. And she danced well, too, especiallly considering she's only been learning for a few months.
After she'd finished her number, she found our table and joined us for dinner. Of course, she was starving so she ate and then we took some photos. We enjoyed the rest of the night together and then ex took us all for supper at McDonalds to round off a very big day for my girl.
When we're out now, we see quite a few people that we know. Relatives on ex's Mother's side, students I've taught in the past, acquaintances from some place or other. When I see them, I know they see us as a happy family. We look like we've got it all, when in fact, nearly nothing of the picture they see is true. We are not happily married living in a stable happy relationship. I wonder if they can see the true things, both good and bad. The looks that get passed between ex and I, the stress that warns the kids not to play up too much, the tension tht hovers above us like a black cloud. I wonder if ex feels that cloud....I wonder if it's visible to other people. I guess that's the 'bad energy' that ex thinks I live with all the time, which of course I don't, just with him.
Just goes to show, you can never tell what's happening behind closed doors.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
You don't see
I wish all your work that you are doing would let you see how difficult you really are. You're so hard to be with and you have no idea. You think just because you can let issues go that it doesn't hurt when you treat me like an imbecile?
I lose my bearing once, ONCE, and your huffing and sour face show your disapproval and tells me you think I'm the biggest idiot on earth. It's damn hard to hide the hurt in my face when the kids are asking me what's wrong. I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT MYSELF WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
I made this day happen for us, this day that was supposed to be your responsibility. You'd take them to see elephants you said, then you cancelled that idea and said we'd see a movie instead. But who had to organize it? ME. I organized our day out with the kids. I booked and paid for and got the tickets early. I planned two steps ahead all day so I wouldn't stumble in your path. I let you know every step of the way what would be happening so that you'd know what to expect. I'm not normally like this but for you, I plan and organize down to the last detail. Being like this takes huge effort on my part and you, you ungrateful shit, don't even say thank you.
Can't you see how hard you are?
And then you drive back, humming inane songs and singing "let it be" like you're doing me a HUGE FUCKING FAVOUR.
you're really something, you know that?
I'm ashamed to say it, but sometimes I hate you.
I lose my bearing once, ONCE, and your huffing and sour face show your disapproval and tells me you think I'm the biggest idiot on earth. It's damn hard to hide the hurt in my face when the kids are asking me what's wrong. I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT MYSELF WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
I made this day happen for us, this day that was supposed to be your responsibility. You'd take them to see elephants you said, then you cancelled that idea and said we'd see a movie instead. But who had to organize it? ME. I organized our day out with the kids. I booked and paid for and got the tickets early. I planned two steps ahead all day so I wouldn't stumble in your path. I let you know every step of the way what would be happening so that you'd know what to expect. I'm not normally like this but for you, I plan and organize down to the last detail. Being like this takes huge effort on my part and you, you ungrateful shit, don't even say thank you.
Can't you see how hard you are?
And then you drive back, humming inane songs and singing "let it be" like you're doing me a HUGE FUCKING FAVOUR.
you're really something, you know that?
I'm ashamed to say it, but sometimes I hate you.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Some fun things do happen
After what seemed like eternity, I finally have all my phone issues sorted. I badgered telecom for four days running and can now call overseas from the house line AND hear the phone ringing when someone calls me. My mobile phone also broke down at the same time and mr fixit-ex was intent on fixing it himself. For RM60 I could have had the thing repaired at the shops but he insisted and when he couldn't fix it, he bought me a new one instead, which is kinda good cos now I'm going to have the old repaired at the shop and keep it for a spare phone, something we don't have. While my phone was out, my friend Mrs Ong, lent me her old Motorola. Although small, that thing was a bitch to text on, so it was taking me 10 minutes to type out a damn text, something that would normally take 30 seconds to do on my old phone. So now i'm glad to have modern, working phone. Its amazing what we get used to. Years ago, when texting first appeared, we were just happy to be able to do it. Now it's second nature, we want to do it fast and cheaply.
All this technology in the past few months has meant that ex has spent close to RM2000 on me and my technology needs. He could have spent RM60 instead, so he must be getting some money from somewhere, because that amount of money is equivalent to the rent and grocery expenses for our household. I'm happier now though because I do get a bit ratty and stressed when the technology is not working as it should. It is after all half my life and my connection to home.
Anyway, I forgot to tell you that I had a lovely dinner with my friends a few weeks ago. It was my BFF's husband's birthday and they 'politely' invited me along. The food was great, it being at the same posh-ish restaurant that for Mother's Day, ex had deemed 'for special occasions' only. Sandwiched in between my girlfriend and my dance instructor, I had a rather nice time. At a Chinese dinner table, it's a sign of politeness and caring to serve someone from the centre of the table. So parents will serve (take food) their children, adult kids take for their parents etc. When I am at a dinner like this, usually people will take for me, so I never have to take for myself. At this dinner, my lovely, polite dance instructor was looking after me, engaging me in conversion about the meaning of the Chinese writing on the wall, telling me stories about his childhood, even though his English is quite broken. He didn't have any easy time growing up. His family weren't very well off and he had an uncle that used to beat him and his sisters. Everyone has a story don't they? He told me that he didn't start dancing until his late teens - I can't imagine him being encouraged to take up dancing at all as it's not seen as the sort of thing that can earn you money. And to be gay on top of that, well, that just makes it a whole lot worse.
Anyway, I have another dinner coming up. This one I have to go to as my daughter is part of the dance performance. She's only onstage for a few minutes but it will be worth seeing her dance. She's learning ballroom dancing at the same dance studio as my son who has recently taken up learning the kind of dancing you see in music videos. He LOVES it and she doesn't mind it. He relishes every lesson and Shen he's at home he dances as much as he talks - so that's like, all the time at the dinner table, in the bathroom, walking around the shops. If he's moving nowadays, he's usually in mid dance. When my son loves something, he really, really loves it.
We're on holidays this week, staying at my brother in law's house and minding the children while they're in Bangkok for a few days. My mother in law is here too, having decided to join us at the last minute. The live in helper, a delightful young girl from Cambodia, is here as well. I'm the driver, she is the cook and my mother in law organizes us all - well she tries to but I've finally learned that I can say no to her and she won't be offended or put up too much of a fight. This morning she asked me to leave the two cousins behind because one was sick and she wanted to other one home to keep him company. As I'd already promised him a trip out, I told her I didn't think that would work and was planning on leaving the sick boy behind with the helper anyway. She let it go and it all worked out. The sick one slept anyway, as I knew he would and I took the other three out for a nice afternoon at the shops.
I'm planning a morning out on my own. My mum in law who doesn't like going shopping anyway will stay home and, with the help of the helper, look after the kids. On Wednesday, we're meeting a friend who will take us to yet another shopping mall but this time specifically to check out a shop that makes carbon fibre orthotics for my sons feet. On Thursday ex will come back and take the kids out for a day and then drive us all home. Then it's back to our routine as the school term starts again on Monday.
And on that day, I need to go and do my yearly visa renewal. The fun things just never stop here!!!!
Cheers to all from the 'Pad
All this technology in the past few months has meant that ex has spent close to RM2000 on me and my technology needs. He could have spent RM60 instead, so he must be getting some money from somewhere, because that amount of money is equivalent to the rent and grocery expenses for our household. I'm happier now though because I do get a bit ratty and stressed when the technology is not working as it should. It is after all half my life and my connection to home.
Anyway, I forgot to tell you that I had a lovely dinner with my friends a few weeks ago. It was my BFF's husband's birthday and they 'politely' invited me along. The food was great, it being at the same posh-ish restaurant that for Mother's Day, ex had deemed 'for special occasions' only. Sandwiched in between my girlfriend and my dance instructor, I had a rather nice time. At a Chinese dinner table, it's a sign of politeness and caring to serve someone from the centre of the table. So parents will serve (take food) their children, adult kids take for their parents etc. When I am at a dinner like this, usually people will take for me, so I never have to take for myself. At this dinner, my lovely, polite dance instructor was looking after me, engaging me in conversion about the meaning of the Chinese writing on the wall, telling me stories about his childhood, even though his English is quite broken. He didn't have any easy time growing up. His family weren't very well off and he had an uncle that used to beat him and his sisters. Everyone has a story don't they? He told me that he didn't start dancing until his late teens - I can't imagine him being encouraged to take up dancing at all as it's not seen as the sort of thing that can earn you money. And to be gay on top of that, well, that just makes it a whole lot worse.
Anyway, I have another dinner coming up. This one I have to go to as my daughter is part of the dance performance. She's only onstage for a few minutes but it will be worth seeing her dance. She's learning ballroom dancing at the same dance studio as my son who has recently taken up learning the kind of dancing you see in music videos. He LOVES it and she doesn't mind it. He relishes every lesson and Shen he's at home he dances as much as he talks - so that's like, all the time at the dinner table, in the bathroom, walking around the shops. If he's moving nowadays, he's usually in mid dance. When my son loves something, he really, really loves it.
We're on holidays this week, staying at my brother in law's house and minding the children while they're in Bangkok for a few days. My mother in law is here too, having decided to join us at the last minute. The live in helper, a delightful young girl from Cambodia, is here as well. I'm the driver, she is the cook and my mother in law organizes us all - well she tries to but I've finally learned that I can say no to her and she won't be offended or put up too much of a fight. This morning she asked me to leave the two cousins behind because one was sick and she wanted to other one home to keep him company. As I'd already promised him a trip out, I told her I didn't think that would work and was planning on leaving the sick boy behind with the helper anyway. She let it go and it all worked out. The sick one slept anyway, as I knew he would and I took the other three out for a nice afternoon at the shops.
I'm planning a morning out on my own. My mum in law who doesn't like going shopping anyway will stay home and, with the help of the helper, look after the kids. On Wednesday, we're meeting a friend who will take us to yet another shopping mall but this time specifically to check out a shop that makes carbon fibre orthotics for my sons feet. On Thursday ex will come back and take the kids out for a day and then drive us all home. Then it's back to our routine as the school term starts again on Monday.
And on that day, I need to go and do my yearly visa renewal. The fun things just never stop here!!!!
Cheers to all from the 'Pad
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Expectations
From 2 nights ago...
Another hour long conversation. Expectations, teaching the kids skills so they feel good about themselves, no resentment or anger on his side for what he went through in the past, I talk about living in the now but don't do it, he's enjoying his moments with the kids these days, he tries to take things one step at a time.anger and the question why never help a situation. Water off a ducks back when he says things like, "I'm not saying this to put you down " - I can't remember what he even said about me. I just remember not feeling anything anymore.
Kept wishing I could liven in the now all the time but then I always remember that I'm not where I want to be.
Guilt flooding over me when he talked about how parents use guilt to get their kids to do stuff or to listen. Voice in my head saying "you do that". More guilt when my attention wavered and followed the guilt thread and made me think about the other day when I lost my cool with Jilian because she turned an issue that was about her into an issue about me. It felt so much like being judged and controlled by ex I couldn't help myself. Bad mother. Ex always seems like a better parent than me, even now. I told him last time he was wrong to fake his emotions and pretend to be happy for the kids. Of course, he's not wrong, but I can't do that well. It doesn't work for me, but I'm getting better at it. Bad mother.
Must remember the plan. Act happy, all the time. Don't let him find fault with you.now he say he tries not to be too critical when he comes home. He let's a lot of things go. But when he makes a mistake all he gets angry with himself. What he cares about is that it doesn't happen again. It doesn't bother him if I get angry because he will always be more angry with himself. Makes me think I'm too slack on myself.
He's still doing alot of work on himself. He listens to motivation tapes before he starts his work to get himself going. He spends his spare time reading up on articles about expectations, motivation and being present.
Must remember that I need to match him to be able to cope with this situation. Must also get strong and fitter. Have been letting my self go. Am now 86 kilos. Bad stuff.
The kids love being with him because he is doing more things with them now, really enjoying them, especially his daughter. They are of like minds.
Keep thinking about the promise I made to daughter. I promised her I would never leaver her again. Must keep promise to her or risk hurting her very badly. Cannot do that.
No further talk about the future. Need to discuss renewal of visa, due in 5 weeks time. That means I have to plan now be us it takes two weeks to process so we have to go din three weeks time, at the latest.
Head full of crap. Going to sleep now. Have typed this on the 'Pad, so if there are a lot of errors, that's why. I can barely see what I'm typing and i certainly can't feel anything on this onscreen keyboard.
Another hour long conversation. Expectations, teaching the kids skills so they feel good about themselves, no resentment or anger on his side for what he went through in the past, I talk about living in the now but don't do it, he's enjoying his moments with the kids these days, he tries to take things one step at a time.anger and the question why never help a situation. Water off a ducks back when he says things like, "I'm not saying this to put you down " - I can't remember what he even said about me. I just remember not feeling anything anymore.
Kept wishing I could liven in the now all the time but then I always remember that I'm not where I want to be.
Guilt flooding over me when he talked about how parents use guilt to get their kids to do stuff or to listen. Voice in my head saying "you do that". More guilt when my attention wavered and followed the guilt thread and made me think about the other day when I lost my cool with Jilian because she turned an issue that was about her into an issue about me. It felt so much like being judged and controlled by ex I couldn't help myself. Bad mother. Ex always seems like a better parent than me, even now. I told him last time he was wrong to fake his emotions and pretend to be happy for the kids. Of course, he's not wrong, but I can't do that well. It doesn't work for me, but I'm getting better at it. Bad mother.
Must remember the plan. Act happy, all the time. Don't let him find fault with you.now he say he tries not to be too critical when he comes home. He let's a lot of things go. But when he makes a mistake all he gets angry with himself. What he cares about is that it doesn't happen again. It doesn't bother him if I get angry because he will always be more angry with himself. Makes me think I'm too slack on myself.
He's still doing alot of work on himself. He listens to motivation tapes before he starts his work to get himself going. He spends his spare time reading up on articles about expectations, motivation and being present.
Must remember that I need to match him to be able to cope with this situation. Must also get strong and fitter. Have been letting my self go. Am now 86 kilos. Bad stuff.
The kids love being with him because he is doing more things with them now, really enjoying them, especially his daughter. They are of like minds.
Keep thinking about the promise I made to daughter. I promised her I would never leaver her again. Must keep promise to her or risk hurting her very badly. Cannot do that.
No further talk about the future. Need to discuss renewal of visa, due in 5 weeks time. That means I have to plan now be us it takes two weeks to process so we have to go din three weeks time, at the latest.
Head full of crap. Going to sleep now. Have typed this on the 'Pad, so if there are a lot of errors, that's why. I can barely see what I'm typing and i certainly can't feel anything on this onscreen keyboard.
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