What a good place to make a list of things to blog about, so I don't forget.
- Childhood memories
- Bad things that happen to good people
- Baggage from the past contaminating the present (done)
- Blame
- The rush of approval (done)
- sights, sounds and smells
- The english class
- Hao Wei (done)
- Self sabotage - the book and the experience
- self help book reviews, cos I've read so many
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Dreams
Dreams can really shake you up. My dreams often involve seeing myself as some sort of incompetent idiot forgetting things, messing things up and generally being unreliable. I feel my anxiety and I feel ex's stress as though it were real and then I wake up full of self doubt and loathing. I'm more likely to have a really bad mood swing after a dream like this. These dreams remind of very bad times.
My dreams are changing though. In as many weeks, I've had two dreams where ex and I are together again. We are comfortable in each others company, we are relaxed and smiling and he is the gentle man I remember from our good times (we did have them) together.
These dreams shake me up more than the other kind. They bring to the fore an alternate reality that I have always fantasised about. A reality where ex and I are connected emotionally and we trust each other. A reality where we actually like each other and are good friends.
But this is not reality. This is pure fantasy. It's a reality that I don't really think is ever possible, given our different perspectives on life and what our past has been.
These dreams are scary because in thinking about this stuff, I grieve for a life that can never be and never was.
In the past, this would send me into a huge mood swing, where I would blame ex for not being the person in the dream and hateful, resentful thoughts would fill my head.
Now though, I can see it for what it is and accept that it's not realistic of me to think this way. Ex is NOT the person in the dream, anymore than I am the person I see in the dream. It's all a fabrication of my ego, meant to pull me away from reality to satisfy my need to be right. If I letr it pull me away, tonight I will not be able to cook, I will yell at the kids and I will have toxins borne from anger flowing through my veins. It will be a shitty day for everyone.
So I have changed my reaction to dreams like these. I know reality from fantasy and these dreams are fantasy. They do not reflect what has happened to us, they do not reflect what we really think or feel. Therefore I do not invest in them. I know better now, so I do better.
My dreams are changing though. In as many weeks, I've had two dreams where ex and I are together again. We are comfortable in each others company, we are relaxed and smiling and he is the gentle man I remember from our good times (we did have them) together.
These dreams shake me up more than the other kind. They bring to the fore an alternate reality that I have always fantasised about. A reality where ex and I are connected emotionally and we trust each other. A reality where we actually like each other and are good friends.
But this is not reality. This is pure fantasy. It's a reality that I don't really think is ever possible, given our different perspectives on life and what our past has been.
These dreams are scary because in thinking about this stuff, I grieve for a life that can never be and never was.
In the past, this would send me into a huge mood swing, where I would blame ex for not being the person in the dream and hateful, resentful thoughts would fill my head.
Now though, I can see it for what it is and accept that it's not realistic of me to think this way. Ex is NOT the person in the dream, anymore than I am the person I see in the dream. It's all a fabrication of my ego, meant to pull me away from reality to satisfy my need to be right. If I letr it pull me away, tonight I will not be able to cook, I will yell at the kids and I will have toxins borne from anger flowing through my veins. It will be a shitty day for everyone.
So I have changed my reaction to dreams like these. I know reality from fantasy and these dreams are fantasy. They do not reflect what has happened to us, they do not reflect what we really think or feel. Therefore I do not invest in them. I know better now, so I do better.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Changing Beliefs
Ex has been surprising me lately. He's been listening to Anthony Robbins talk about why we do what we do and he's hearing new things all the time. He's admitting that he too, is not all he can be. Ex, person who never really believed he had such fundamental flaws, has come to accept that he's holding himself back with some of the things he believes.
We've been in 'survival mode' now since September '07. Don't do much, don't talk much and stick to what's safe. Make it comfortable for the kids as much as possible, but the main thing was, we must all be together, for the sake of the kids. It's been OK and certainly better than the alternative of each taking custody of one child and living in separate countries.
We can stay in survival mode, it's easy and comfortable or we can move on - together as a team (not a couple) or separately. The time has come to move on. He's been talking about how his beliefs have stopped him from being able to move on, how they are limiting his progress. We've been separated for around 2 years now and he still doesn't have a steady job that makes decent money and his motivation to work fluctuates from high to low.
Recently, however, after listening to Robbins talk, he's begun to turn things over in his mind and look at himself a little closer. He's begun to accept that his acquired (from me) beliefs about money (ie having a lot money isn't necessary and doesn't make you happy) and some of his beliefs that were conjured to make sense of a difficult situation (ie this is as good as it gets, we can't do anything to rock the boat or something bad will happen) are holding him back. He said "now i'm holding us back by believing what I've come to believe". I almost jumped with joy, hearing him take responsibility like that - which I know from personal experience is a really hard thing to do.
He also talked about wanting to be happy, something which I think is important - there's no shame in wanting joy from life - you won't always get it, but it's a nice, positive thing to have. Happiness for ex has always meant being shallow and selfish - something he has steered away from and which I've tried to 'push' him into.
He wants to change things, to make them better. After all the work I've done on myself, he's finally coming to the party - at least that's the way I see it. He wants to change what he thinks, what he does and how he does them. I've been waiting for this, to see him take some responsibility for his own happiness and know that he deserves to be happy. Thankyou Mr Robbins, for your wise words that have woken my ex up to the fact that you can be happy, have money and still be a good person. That being happy doesn't always mean you have to be selfish and just do what you want to do. There are other aspects of being happy, such as knowing that you are fundamentally a good person and that you deserve all that life has to offer.
I think he knew some of this before (such as money is not a bad thing), but in our dysfunctional relationship, he lost them and lost his sense of self. I know he did, because I did too, though I'll admit, I didn't ever really have a sense of who I was before now.
Things are looking positive for him and for that I am glad. I have always wanted him to be happy, even to the extent of telling him that he should go and find another woman who will make him happy. I've always wanted him to share in the joy and get the most out of life, even if he did think it was superficial. We need joy and we need to be happy - there's nothing wrong with wanting that and we shouldn't feel guilty because we do. We deserve better than living within the existence of misery.
We deserve better, all of us.
Ps The spell that is used to find lost books also works for spanners and keys!!! Of course, ex might have just found his keys and 2 of our spanners because he was looking in the right place for them (ie the pub) instead of automatically just thinking that I'd put them somewhere - because everything's my fault. But you never know! Maybe my 'positive powers' really DO work!!! Changing indeed!
We've been in 'survival mode' now since September '07. Don't do much, don't talk much and stick to what's safe. Make it comfortable for the kids as much as possible, but the main thing was, we must all be together, for the sake of the kids. It's been OK and certainly better than the alternative of each taking custody of one child and living in separate countries.
We can stay in survival mode, it's easy and comfortable or we can move on - together as a team (not a couple) or separately. The time has come to move on. He's been talking about how his beliefs have stopped him from being able to move on, how they are limiting his progress. We've been separated for around 2 years now and he still doesn't have a steady job that makes decent money and his motivation to work fluctuates from high to low.
Recently, however, after listening to Robbins talk, he's begun to turn things over in his mind and look at himself a little closer. He's begun to accept that his acquired (from me) beliefs about money (ie having a lot money isn't necessary and doesn't make you happy) and some of his beliefs that were conjured to make sense of a difficult situation (ie this is as good as it gets, we can't do anything to rock the boat or something bad will happen) are holding him back. He said "now i'm holding us back by believing what I've come to believe". I almost jumped with joy, hearing him take responsibility like that - which I know from personal experience is a really hard thing to do.
He also talked about wanting to be happy, something which I think is important - there's no shame in wanting joy from life - you won't always get it, but it's a nice, positive thing to have. Happiness for ex has always meant being shallow and selfish - something he has steered away from and which I've tried to 'push' him into.
He wants to change things, to make them better. After all the work I've done on myself, he's finally coming to the party - at least that's the way I see it. He wants to change what he thinks, what he does and how he does them. I've been waiting for this, to see him take some responsibility for his own happiness and know that he deserves to be happy. Thankyou Mr Robbins, for your wise words that have woken my ex up to the fact that you can be happy, have money and still be a good person. That being happy doesn't always mean you have to be selfish and just do what you want to do. There are other aspects of being happy, such as knowing that you are fundamentally a good person and that you deserve all that life has to offer.
I think he knew some of this before (such as money is not a bad thing), but in our dysfunctional relationship, he lost them and lost his sense of self. I know he did, because I did too, though I'll admit, I didn't ever really have a sense of who I was before now.
Things are looking positive for him and for that I am glad. I have always wanted him to be happy, even to the extent of telling him that he should go and find another woman who will make him happy. I've always wanted him to share in the joy and get the most out of life, even if he did think it was superficial. We need joy and we need to be happy - there's nothing wrong with wanting that and we shouldn't feel guilty because we do. We deserve better than living within the existence of misery.
We deserve better, all of us.
Ps The spell that is used to find lost books also works for spanners and keys!!! Of course, ex might have just found his keys and 2 of our spanners because he was looking in the right place for them (ie the pub) instead of automatically just thinking that I'd put them somewhere - because everything's my fault. But you never know! Maybe my 'positive powers' really DO work!!! Changing indeed!
The ups and downs of life
If I've got Borderline Personality Disorder, so have both my kids. Or it could be the other way around, maybe they are behaving normally, like kids do and I have been acting childish all my life. I will of course, be concerned if the former is true and I would prefer the latter to be true.
I say all this at the the end of a tumultuous morning that followed a perfectly fine weekend. I really had no idea that parenting would be such an up and down affair, particularly as the kids get older. I naively thought that things would get smoother, not the other way around.
Yesterday we went to KL to shop for books, clothes and meat, to visit family and to get out of our dirty little hick-town for a day. Ex closed the pub so that we wouldn't have to rush back. 6 hours of travelling there and back, 5 hours of shopping and walking around, having lunch etc and a few hours resting up, playing and eating some more at my brother-in-laws place have left us feeling tired and the kids a little cranky.
Unfinished homework had to be completed this morning, even though most of it got done on Saturday night. Daughter kept on thinking of things she'd forgotten to write up in her homework diary and son just wasn't being co-operative. So even though their tutor was here to help, the stress levels were still high. And my daughter, who's normally a very lovely girl, turns into a stressed-out little monster who cries and shouts and gets really, REALLY frustrated at not being able to finish the homework on time. So instead of actually completing her homework, she has to spend valuable chunks of time calming herself down. I can't begin to imagine how all the other students in her class cope, especially those 'down the line' who are not as capable as she is. She ranks 5th in her class in terms of student grades and what-have-you, so imagine the stress for student number 32? I wish I could talk to that guy's mother to see what she does to help him? Maybe she doesn't, maybe she lets him be and then he gets beatings at school? I hope not, but it's entirely possible. I think the reason I get stressed out is because I know what the consequences are (they get a ruler smack) if they don't get it done and I think I'd feel responsible for it.
Well, it's over now and what will be, will be. Things are quiet now, it's time to gather my thoughts and get ready for the next half of the day. Going to the autistic centre to help out, then back home, cook dinner and then out again to teach a little English to kids who can only understand half of what I say.
Cheers
I say all this at the the end of a tumultuous morning that followed a perfectly fine weekend. I really had no idea that parenting would be such an up and down affair, particularly as the kids get older. I naively thought that things would get smoother, not the other way around.
Yesterday we went to KL to shop for books, clothes and meat, to visit family and to get out of our dirty little hick-town for a day. Ex closed the pub so that we wouldn't have to rush back. 6 hours of travelling there and back, 5 hours of shopping and walking around, having lunch etc and a few hours resting up, playing and eating some more at my brother-in-laws place have left us feeling tired and the kids a little cranky.
Unfinished homework had to be completed this morning, even though most of it got done on Saturday night. Daughter kept on thinking of things she'd forgotten to write up in her homework diary and son just wasn't being co-operative. So even though their tutor was here to help, the stress levels were still high. And my daughter, who's normally a very lovely girl, turns into a stressed-out little monster who cries and shouts and gets really, REALLY frustrated at not being able to finish the homework on time. So instead of actually completing her homework, she has to spend valuable chunks of time calming herself down. I can't begin to imagine how all the other students in her class cope, especially those 'down the line' who are not as capable as she is. She ranks 5th in her class in terms of student grades and what-have-you, so imagine the stress for student number 32? I wish I could talk to that guy's mother to see what she does to help him? Maybe she doesn't, maybe she lets him be and then he gets beatings at school? I hope not, but it's entirely possible. I think the reason I get stressed out is because I know what the consequences are (they get a ruler smack) if they don't get it done and I think I'd feel responsible for it.
Well, it's over now and what will be, will be. Things are quiet now, it's time to gather my thoughts and get ready for the next half of the day. Going to the autistic centre to help out, then back home, cook dinner and then out again to teach a little English to kids who can only understand half of what I say.
Cheers
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Just a thought about...Explaining myself
I explain myself too much. It's a habit produced from years of trying to justify to ex what I do and why I do it. Years of trying to explain how I came to a certain decision, baggage from a very dysfunctional relationship and not knowing when enough is said. Not knowing that everyone DOES NOT want to know every minute detail of someone else's life and not being able to articulate what it is I actually want.
If someone comments that I'm late, I'll go all out to explain why I'm late, what happened and why. It's an effort to just simply say, "Sorry I'm late, I got held up".
It's a relief not to have to explain myself to ex, to tell him what I'm doing and why, the way couples tend to do (or maybe they don't, I wouldn't know). But sitting here, in the cool of my own room after a cursory glance and hello on the way in, is definitely something I enjoy about being separated - that and having my own bed.
If someone comments that I'm late, I'll go all out to explain why I'm late, what happened and why. It's an effort to just simply say, "Sorry I'm late, I got held up".
It's a relief not to have to explain myself to ex, to tell him what I'm doing and why, the way couples tend to do (or maybe they don't, I wouldn't know). But sitting here, in the cool of my own room after a cursory glance and hello on the way in, is definitely something I enjoy about being separated - that and having my own bed.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Very funny
If the world's problems are really getting you into a depressed rut, you just have to read this letter from a Virgin Airlines passenger to Richard Branson. It's hysterical. I'm putting here so that if I need to laugh, I know where to find it.
The world's best airline complaint letter. Go Oliver Beale.
http://www.theage.com.au/travel/travel-news/the-worlds-best-airline-complaint-letter-20090130-7tgo.html
The world's best airline complaint letter. Go Oliver Beale.
http://www.theage.com.au/travel/travel-news/the-worlds-best-airline-complaint-letter-20090130-7tgo.html
Saturday, February 14, 2009
How to find lost books
This week, my normally orgnanised daughter has lost 2, yes 2, school exercise books, both times resulting in a major panic.
After getting thoroughly sick of looking for the first one and at my wits of knowing where to find the damn thng, I told her this "Nevermind, I will cast a spell so that tomorrow you will find your book."
And I did. I said:
Abra cadabra, zippity zoo,
make this book appear to you!
(point at child with magical flourish and smile)
We didn't find the book in the morning. She left school with a note in her pocket apologising to the teacher for losing the book. However, she didn't need the note. When she was in class, she went to put another bunch of books on the shelf at the back of the room and when she got back, the said book was sitting on her table!!! Did a friend put it there? No and we checked to see if it was within another book. She couldn't explain it and my standing as a super-mummy went up astronomically. Don't you love it when your tricks work?
Now, I can put this down to co-incidence, but when she lost her science book yesterday, we did the same thing after failing to yet again, find the book. We said the 'spell' and smiled. Positive thoughts, we said, will bring the book to us. At school, she checked her bag again and yep, there it was. I had checked her bag at least 3 times before she went to school, so, go figure.
My conclusion is that I must be magical, like all mummies who can pull off all kinds of tricks and things with their kids. No wonder kids love their mums. I wonder if anyone else has had this sort of thing happen.
After getting thoroughly sick of looking for the first one and at my wits of knowing where to find the damn thng, I told her this "Nevermind, I will cast a spell so that tomorrow you will find your book."
And I did. I said:
Abra cadabra, zippity zoo,
make this book appear to you!
(point at child with magical flourish and smile)
We didn't find the book in the morning. She left school with a note in her pocket apologising to the teacher for losing the book. However, she didn't need the note. When she was in class, she went to put another bunch of books on the shelf at the back of the room and when she got back, the said book was sitting on her table!!! Did a friend put it there? No and we checked to see if it was within another book. She couldn't explain it and my standing as a super-mummy went up astronomically. Don't you love it when your tricks work?
Now, I can put this down to co-incidence, but when she lost her science book yesterday, we did the same thing after failing to yet again, find the book. We said the 'spell' and smiled. Positive thoughts, we said, will bring the book to us. At school, she checked her bag again and yep, there it was. I had checked her bag at least 3 times before she went to school, so, go figure.
My conclusion is that I must be magical, like all mummies who can pull off all kinds of tricks and things with their kids. No wonder kids love their mums. I wonder if anyone else has had this sort of thing happen.
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