Good luck: Yesterday I joined the Emirates Airlines flyer programme and I've booked my tickets home for December - 27th Nov - 28th December.
Bad luck: Their prices have risen 200 sing dollars since last week.
Good luck: I was glad they still had seats available during this peak period time.
Bad luck: I was feeling anxious because the prices had risen and so didn't want to wait any longer to get my tickets.
Good luck: The web site filled in my ticket details using information from the flyer program which is in my maiden name.
Bad luck: My passport is in my married name.
Good luck: I realised my mistake fairly quickly.
Bad luck: Not quick enough - the transaction had already gone through.
Good luck: After I contacted Emirates via email, they said they could change it.
Bad luck: It's going to cost me an extra 100 sing dollars.
Good luck: Lessons learned: Never change your name after you marry, even if you think it will be better because your kids don't look like you. Never book airline tickets in a hurry. If your instinct tells you that this is the best price you're going to get, book them.
And so to today:
Bad luck: 2 out of 4 of my son's permanent molars have big cavities in them.
Good luck: His oral hygiene is good and his diet is OK - he doesn't eat sweets.
Bad luck: I didn't want to take him back to the dentist we used last time because of his impatience and condescending attitude.
Good luck: My mother in law knows a dentist who is a friend of hers.
Bad luck: She works at the government clinic
Good luck: The clinic admit my son and don't seem to realise he's a foreigner.
Bad luck: The clinic seems busy and the waiting area is a bit ordinary.
Good luck: My MiL's friend calls for us personally, so we don't have to wait.
More good luck: Inside the dental surgery the room is sparkling clean and all those in attendance are clothed in hygienic protection gear. This is about a 1000% improvement on the private clinic we attended a few months back, where strangely, the dentist is also a lawyer!!!
Bad Luck: My son has at least 6 (SIX) teeth that have cavities in them, and yet the dentist also tells me that the white marks on his teeth are due to too much flouride!! WTF?
Good luck: She tells me that the work done by the other dentist has fallen out and she will fill it without using the drill.
More good luck: She says that these days they treat children quite differently and don't really need to use the machines and that she can fill some of his milk teeth too.
Great luck: She's an experienced dentist and really sounds like she knows her stuff. I am immensely grateful to her and almost cry. She gets on with the job and is a patient and gentle dentist. My son doesn't flinch a bit and when it comes time for him to rinse, he manages to spit into the small sink (at the other dentist, he was so unco-ordinated he spat most of it on the floor - the nurse was not impressed.
Fantastic luck: After profusely thanking her, she gives us another appointment and we go home - we didn't have to pay because kids in Malaysia get free dental treatment from Government hospitals.
Enough luck. Now to solve the mystery of why my son, with his pretty good diet and good oral hygiene has so much trouble with his teeth, which seem unnaturally 'soft'.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
5 Hours
Today my son and daughter went to school. No big deal there, it was a replacement day for a holiday they'll be having in a few months time. Except that today, my son spent 5 hours sitting on the hall floor watching some school videos. Poor kid - sore backside and sore legs and that floor is filthy. Trouble was when he told me about it, I got annoyed with the school and said so and then daughter started crying about it all, saying that now I'll probably want them to go to school in Australia.
This is a legacy of past behaviour when I'd speak without thinking about who was listening, saying what I thought of the schools here and how Australia has a better system. I feel terribly guilty that I wasn't as aware then and I've planted in her mind that if things aren't perfect at school here, then I'm going to pull them out of school.
Now I've got to repair that damage. I reassured her that no, I wouldn't be pulling them out of school and that I was quite happy with their school now and that this is just one thing that's happened. And anyway, I told them, where else in the world would you be able to learn chinese like you are now. No, this is our life here and now and that's what we have to think about.
When I come back, I'll tell my family that we're not allowed to discuss any plans for the future. It just makes the present too hard for the kids. Too hard and they don't need the stress. And I don't either. One of the main reasons I'm able to stay as stable as I am right now (even though it's a little fragile), is because I live in the present - I don't think too much about the future, beyond some vague plan of coming back in 2 - 3 years time. But I focus on the present, the kids I teach, the meals I cook, the things we do together, because that is really all we have. That's all any of us ever have. The past is gone, can't change that. No-one can predict the future - look at Michael Jackson (RIP) - who knew? - so we need to live in the now.
In other matters, we've just had parent-teacher day. The kids did quite well in their reports. Mostly A's and B's and a couple of C's for both of them. According to his teacher, my son's behaviour is excellent. I'm glad he know's his limits there, but I also know that he knows the approximate length of each teachers cane and which teachers use it and which ones don't and I know that is contributing to his good behaviour. Otherwise, they are happy and settled in school and really, I wouldn't dream of pulling them out.
This is a legacy of past behaviour when I'd speak without thinking about who was listening, saying what I thought of the schools here and how Australia has a better system. I feel terribly guilty that I wasn't as aware then and I've planted in her mind that if things aren't perfect at school here, then I'm going to pull them out of school.
Now I've got to repair that damage. I reassured her that no, I wouldn't be pulling them out of school and that I was quite happy with their school now and that this is just one thing that's happened. And anyway, I told them, where else in the world would you be able to learn chinese like you are now. No, this is our life here and now and that's what we have to think about.
When I come back, I'll tell my family that we're not allowed to discuss any plans for the future. It just makes the present too hard for the kids. Too hard and they don't need the stress. And I don't either. One of the main reasons I'm able to stay as stable as I am right now (even though it's a little fragile), is because I live in the present - I don't think too much about the future, beyond some vague plan of coming back in 2 - 3 years time. But I focus on the present, the kids I teach, the meals I cook, the things we do together, because that is really all we have. That's all any of us ever have. The past is gone, can't change that. No-one can predict the future - look at Michael Jackson (RIP) - who knew? - so we need to live in the now.
In other matters, we've just had parent-teacher day. The kids did quite well in their reports. Mostly A's and B's and a couple of C's for both of them. According to his teacher, my son's behaviour is excellent. I'm glad he know's his limits there, but I also know that he knows the approximate length of each teachers cane and which teachers use it and which ones don't and I know that is contributing to his good behaviour. Otherwise, they are happy and settled in school and really, I wouldn't dream of pulling them out.
Friday, June 26, 2009
renewed visa
Yesterday was a biggish day, the kind that makes me nervous and used to require a tiny dose of xanax to get me through - not this time though. Ex and I had to travel to Johor Baru, sans kids, the capital of our state Johor and two hours drive away, to renew my visa.
I was nervous because there was a chance that things could go wrong, that I'd forget stuff and ex would get angry and stressed. I hate doing that to him. So in light of that, I did everything in my power to make everything go right.
- kids organised to go to mother in laws and get picked up from school by brother in law
- enough money
- documents and paperwork organised
- phonecall to immigration department to check fees, paperwork required and office hours - this required the woman to leave the phone to find out the answers three separate times.
- pen and notebook packed
- phone charged
- kids uniforms ironed and packed to go to mother in laws
- kids homework completed, homework files and school bags packed.
- change of clothes and toiletries packed for after school shower
- breakfast packed to give to mother in law so the kids could eat their regular breakfast. Cereal, milk, bread and peanut butter- she doesn't have any of these things
- water and snack box packed for school.
Ex looked over at the things I'd prepared and said "Gee, you did a great job preparing all that!!"
I had everything done. I got up at 6.30 so we could leave at 7.30. We were ready and we left on time. We were on the road to JB at 7.35. 20 minutes into our journey, I woke from my snooze thinking that I'd just better check my passport, just in case.
And guess what!! ... it wasn't my passport in there, it was my daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Arrrgghh
I couldn't believe it. I was so angry with myself. All that preparation and I stuff up the most important thing. TURN BACK, I said and ex did. I expected anger and frustration from him, terse looks and lots of sighing.
I got calmness, words of don't worry, better that you find out now than when we get there and you can't do anything about it. He was calm and reassuring. I was surprised and then my own anger subsided and though still unhappy with myself (the way most people are when they do something so stupid), managed to 'recover' within 5 or so minutes. When I asked him later how it was that he didn't get stressed he said that it was because I'd made such a huge effort to get everything right and that this was only one thing and he's learned that he has to let it go because getting angry never helps. In our previous life, so many things would go wrong, it was all he could do not to get frustrated and angry. So things HAVE changed, me and him both.
(In hindsight, maybe this was 'meant' to happen, so that both of us could see how the other has changed - I certainly saw a difference in his reaction and though it was my mistake, he could see how I'd thoroughly prepared everything else - so Tolle's 'you need to have this experience' really comes to life in this sense)
The trip back home to exchange passports was quick enough and as ex said 'meant to be' as we both needed the toilet, as you do in the morning. Back on the road again, feeling MUCH better, we made our way to the Immigration department and had the visa completed within the hour. Now this has got to be some sort of record for them. Previous attempts to renew my visa have taken at least 6 hours, with most of that just waiting for them to process the paper work. However, this time, things were different. They've smartened up, they've renovated. The forms you need to collect and fill out are now available in the same room, instead of having to go all the way downstairs. The airconditioning was working. There were seats available to sit on and there weren't nearly as many people waiting as there had been previously. So we lodged the forms, waited maybe 20 minutes, paid the fee, waited another 20 minutes and collected my passport, with visa intact, which was surprising because the chickie on the phone told me it would take two weeks to process. That's something that hasn't changed - the people on the phones rarely give out the correct information.
Soooooo, the day turned out well. After that , we went for a bit of shopping and ex introduced me to one of his "JB friends" - those he goes to see when he goes away for the weekend. I hated it when ex introduced me and used the word wife, though there's nothing I can do about that because according to everyone else, that's who I am. So this guy took us for lunch and I pretended to enjoy it. It was bak kuh teh - literally meat bone tea. I don't mind this dish but the meat was tough and it was bloody hot in the restaurant. Give me a nice light pasta any day.
The best part of the day was shopping at Cold Storage afterwards - export grade topside and minced beef, chopped chicken pieces, pork fillet, kalamata olives, fresh chat potatoes, decent sausages for the kids, swiss mushrooms and nice crisp butter lettuce, real tim tams from Australia (there's another type that are manufactured in Indonesia and they're a chocolate wafer biscuit and no where close to the real thing) - and lindt dark chocolate (which, a day later, is almost finished). When I was looking around the supermarket, I could have picked up so much stuff, but I limited myself to a few goodies and the rest is fresh and healthy.
So I'm reasonably happy. The freezer is full and we have a few luxury things to eat. I was positively drooling while I was shopping - god I miss the food back home. When you're in the supermarket next, look at the shelves people - just look at them and appreciate the variety and freshness of the things there. Then go to the butcher's and linger over the clean, red meat and say to yourself, I am lucky to live in Australia, where we have really good produce and high standards of hygiene. And smile, because you are lucky.
Have a nice day.
I was nervous because there was a chance that things could go wrong, that I'd forget stuff and ex would get angry and stressed. I hate doing that to him. So in light of that, I did everything in my power to make everything go right.
- kids organised to go to mother in laws and get picked up from school by brother in law
- enough money
- documents and paperwork organised
- phonecall to immigration department to check fees, paperwork required and office hours - this required the woman to leave the phone to find out the answers three separate times.
- pen and notebook packed
- phone charged
- kids uniforms ironed and packed to go to mother in laws
- kids homework completed, homework files and school bags packed.
- change of clothes and toiletries packed for after school shower
- breakfast packed to give to mother in law so the kids could eat their regular breakfast. Cereal, milk, bread and peanut butter- she doesn't have any of these things
- water and snack box packed for school.
Ex looked over at the things I'd prepared and said "Gee, you did a great job preparing all that!!"
I had everything done. I got up at 6.30 so we could leave at 7.30. We were ready and we left on time. We were on the road to JB at 7.35. 20 minutes into our journey, I woke from my snooze thinking that I'd just better check my passport, just in case.
And guess what!! ... it wasn't my passport in there, it was my daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Arrrgghh
I couldn't believe it. I was so angry with myself. All that preparation and I stuff up the most important thing. TURN BACK, I said and ex did. I expected anger and frustration from him, terse looks and lots of sighing.
I got calmness, words of don't worry, better that you find out now than when we get there and you can't do anything about it. He was calm and reassuring. I was surprised and then my own anger subsided and though still unhappy with myself (the way most people are when they do something so stupid), managed to 'recover' within 5 or so minutes. When I asked him later how it was that he didn't get stressed he said that it was because I'd made such a huge effort to get everything right and that this was only one thing and he's learned that he has to let it go because getting angry never helps. In our previous life, so many things would go wrong, it was all he could do not to get frustrated and angry. So things HAVE changed, me and him both.
(In hindsight, maybe this was 'meant' to happen, so that both of us could see how the other has changed - I certainly saw a difference in his reaction and though it was my mistake, he could see how I'd thoroughly prepared everything else - so Tolle's 'you need to have this experience' really comes to life in this sense)
The trip back home to exchange passports was quick enough and as ex said 'meant to be' as we both needed the toilet, as you do in the morning. Back on the road again, feeling MUCH better, we made our way to the Immigration department and had the visa completed within the hour. Now this has got to be some sort of record for them. Previous attempts to renew my visa have taken at least 6 hours, with most of that just waiting for them to process the paper work. However, this time, things were different. They've smartened up, they've renovated. The forms you need to collect and fill out are now available in the same room, instead of having to go all the way downstairs. The airconditioning was working. There were seats available to sit on and there weren't nearly as many people waiting as there had been previously. So we lodged the forms, waited maybe 20 minutes, paid the fee, waited another 20 minutes and collected my passport, with visa intact, which was surprising because the chickie on the phone told me it would take two weeks to process. That's something that hasn't changed - the people on the phones rarely give out the correct information.
Soooooo, the day turned out well. After that , we went for a bit of shopping and ex introduced me to one of his "JB friends" - those he goes to see when he goes away for the weekend. I hated it when ex introduced me and used the word wife, though there's nothing I can do about that because according to everyone else, that's who I am. So this guy took us for lunch and I pretended to enjoy it. It was bak kuh teh - literally meat bone tea. I don't mind this dish but the meat was tough and it was bloody hot in the restaurant. Give me a nice light pasta any day.
The best part of the day was shopping at Cold Storage afterwards - export grade topside and minced beef, chopped chicken pieces, pork fillet, kalamata olives, fresh chat potatoes, decent sausages for the kids, swiss mushrooms and nice crisp butter lettuce, real tim tams from Australia (there's another type that are manufactured in Indonesia and they're a chocolate wafer biscuit and no where close to the real thing) - and lindt dark chocolate (which, a day later, is almost finished). When I was looking around the supermarket, I could have picked up so much stuff, but I limited myself to a few goodies and the rest is fresh and healthy.
So I'm reasonably happy. The freezer is full and we have a few luxury things to eat. I was positively drooling while I was shopping - god I miss the food back home. When you're in the supermarket next, look at the shelves people - just look at them and appreciate the variety and freshness of the things there. Then go to the butcher's and linger over the clean, red meat and say to yourself, I am lucky to live in Australia, where we have really good produce and high standards of hygiene. And smile, because you are lucky.
Have a nice day.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Crash!, but I'm OK now.
Well, well, well, here I am, way on the other side of Saturday, the shittiest day for me in a long time. It started off OK, I got through 'the English class', dropped the kids off at piano and when I came home, the world came crashing down around my ears. And I still don't have any idea why. It was the 'spiral' coming to get me. All the bad feelings I've had in the past, the resentments, the anger and frustration all there together in one big bucketload of shit, sitting there in my gut, hit me as a walked in through the door.
I knew what it was. I went to my room and lay down. There was a pain in my head, yet I didn't have a headache. At that point, I probably should have taken xanax, but I didn't. I forced myself to think about other things. Kids, teaching, Adam Lambert, visa -- hah, my mind grabbed on to that. My visa needs renewing and I needed to talk to ex about it - NOW! That would do it, I thought, a distraction and this would go away.
I went, we talked, I thought I was being normal, he agreed to and with everything I said straight away and he left. I lay down on the couch and felt around in my head to see if the spiral was still there. It was. In the distance, I heard a loud "ok" coming from ex's room. I couldn't make sense of it, so let it sit for a few minutes and then went and asked him "did you just shout something?" No he said, he didn't. OK I said and went to my room again to lie down. The tension was palpable. I went to my computer. I needed more distractions. He came in, knocking politely before he did so. "What" I snapped, and then more gently "Sorry, what's up?" I did say something he said, but it was a good few minutes before you came and asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd picked up on my 'bad vibes' and got this awful feeling about him and while he tried to ignore it, he couldn't and so he needed to calm himself down - hence the shouting, but it was a full 5 minutes before I'd asked him about it, that why he'd said, no, I didn't JUST say anything. My mood made him shudder he said and brought back a lot of old, bad memories. I know, I said, it's scaring the hell out of me, I've worked so hard and here it is, sitting in my head like a bucket full of shit and I don't know what to do with it. I was so scared, it was all so horribly familiar. We talked it through, he said it will pass, I agreed, but I've got to go through it first. He says he has feelings like this too, when he's sad and lonely and sometimes angry and he tries to listen to motivational tapes or read to help him through it. I'm not the only one going through this, was his message.
He gets angry at me sometimes when the kids are with me in my room, like I'm trying to hide them away from him. I can't help it that they want to come to me and I often tell them to go spend time with papa, but they don't want to. It's not my fault. I let him speak but then told him this later on because I thought it important that he know that I'm not trying to work against him. I'm actually working very hard at making it easier for him by spending more time in my room and giving him the space to spend time with the kids on his own. I can't help it if he doesn't always take that opportunity and prefers to sleep or watch 'man' tv (history channel, war movies, military shows, golf and news).
Meltdowns, spirals, what ever you want to call them, come as a package, I've come to realise. First there is anger (I hate this place and situation), then there is resentment (you are keeping me here and I hate you for it), then there is frustration and jealousy (why do you get to go on with your life and I don't, I'm stuck here blah, blah) and then there's the longing to reconcile (why can't we just make this work, we're doing so well now, why can't we?) because I do get lonely and I do get sad about this whole shitty business. I lament what could have been... In the course of our words, he mentioned that I'd changed so much - nice little acknowledgment. I thought, so has he - he's not as critical and more tolerant of my mistakes. He lets a lot of things go, which is a big deal for him as far as I'm concerned. It's strange to think, but 'we' are better than we've ever been.
After the horrendous afternoon, which was in fact, just one hour, we ended up taking the kids for lunch together and then coming home. I'd promised the kids a swim in the afternoon and so took them, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. They swam and I sat out and wrote in my notebook, thankful for them being occupied for the next 45 minutes. I don't want to waste my thoughts so I'll write it again here.
"Blogging without a blog"
I'm at the pool with the kids, a coolish breeze blowing and an ultralight aircraft buzzing in the background. I'm sitting on the sidelines today, a rare thing for me, as I prefer to be in the water.
But not today. Today I need space from them (the kids) and their fights, their tantrums and grumpy faces, their pointy elbows which stick into my sides at the most annoying moments. I even need space from the touches and smiles, and silly, little jokes because I cannot enjoy them. I just need space for this mood to clear. And what a mood it turned out to be. That sick angry feeling was back. It's so scary. I tried to put it away - no good. The anguish pulled at me and my head hurt. The worry overwhelmed me...
That's when my kid's friends mother turned up. I know her a bit, so was obliged to chat and make happy. It was a good distraction. I like her and she speaks English well. Her two daughters attend my English class on Saturday mornings - indeed, it was at her request that I started this class in the first place, for which I am now rather grateful, given the benefits it gives me.
I saw the rest of the weekend out in 'recovery mode' - lying low, taking care of myself and the kids. We made Cowboy cookies together and had a nice supper on Sunday night for Father's day. Cookies and milo for 4. It was good.
It's Monday night now. I'm listening to Paul Potts (blogging music) and going to bed to read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I thought I'd tackle this because I've finished the books I bought and couldn't find anything else at the library. The library here is not good, though they try. They have copious copies of the English classics, but modern novels are rare or maybe they're all borrowed (lent?) out. I'm finding Great Expectations a challenging read because of the old style language and spelling and I can't help but think other people here would have more trouble than me. It's been borrowed out twice before, I wonder how the other people got on with it. I was ready to put it down after two pages, but I forced myself to push through and I'm determined to finish the damn thing.
At least it will keep me occupied and perhaps help keep those nasty moods away.
I knew what it was. I went to my room and lay down. There was a pain in my head, yet I didn't have a headache. At that point, I probably should have taken xanax, but I didn't. I forced myself to think about other things. Kids, teaching, Adam Lambert, visa -- hah, my mind grabbed on to that. My visa needs renewing and I needed to talk to ex about it - NOW! That would do it, I thought, a distraction and this would go away.
I went, we talked, I thought I was being normal, he agreed to and with everything I said straight away and he left. I lay down on the couch and felt around in my head to see if the spiral was still there. It was. In the distance, I heard a loud "ok" coming from ex's room. I couldn't make sense of it, so let it sit for a few minutes and then went and asked him "did you just shout something?" No he said, he didn't. OK I said and went to my room again to lie down. The tension was palpable. I went to my computer. I needed more distractions. He came in, knocking politely before he did so. "What" I snapped, and then more gently "Sorry, what's up?" I did say something he said, but it was a good few minutes before you came and asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd picked up on my 'bad vibes' and got this awful feeling about him and while he tried to ignore it, he couldn't and so he needed to calm himself down - hence the shouting, but it was a full 5 minutes before I'd asked him about it, that why he'd said, no, I didn't JUST say anything. My mood made him shudder he said and brought back a lot of old, bad memories. I know, I said, it's scaring the hell out of me, I've worked so hard and here it is, sitting in my head like a bucket full of shit and I don't know what to do with it. I was so scared, it was all so horribly familiar. We talked it through, he said it will pass, I agreed, but I've got to go through it first. He says he has feelings like this too, when he's sad and lonely and sometimes angry and he tries to listen to motivational tapes or read to help him through it. I'm not the only one going through this, was his message.
He gets angry at me sometimes when the kids are with me in my room, like I'm trying to hide them away from him. I can't help it that they want to come to me and I often tell them to go spend time with papa, but they don't want to. It's not my fault. I let him speak but then told him this later on because I thought it important that he know that I'm not trying to work against him. I'm actually working very hard at making it easier for him by spending more time in my room and giving him the space to spend time with the kids on his own. I can't help it if he doesn't always take that opportunity and prefers to sleep or watch 'man' tv (history channel, war movies, military shows, golf and news).
Meltdowns, spirals, what ever you want to call them, come as a package, I've come to realise. First there is anger (I hate this place and situation), then there is resentment (you are keeping me here and I hate you for it), then there is frustration and jealousy (why do you get to go on with your life and I don't, I'm stuck here blah, blah) and then there's the longing to reconcile (why can't we just make this work, we're doing so well now, why can't we?) because I do get lonely and I do get sad about this whole shitty business. I lament what could have been... In the course of our words, he mentioned that I'd changed so much - nice little acknowledgment. I thought, so has he - he's not as critical and more tolerant of my mistakes. He lets a lot of things go, which is a big deal for him as far as I'm concerned. It's strange to think, but 'we' are better than we've ever been.
After the horrendous afternoon, which was in fact, just one hour, we ended up taking the kids for lunch together and then coming home. I'd promised the kids a swim in the afternoon and so took them, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. They swam and I sat out and wrote in my notebook, thankful for them being occupied for the next 45 minutes. I don't want to waste my thoughts so I'll write it again here.
"Blogging without a blog"
I'm at the pool with the kids, a coolish breeze blowing and an ultralight aircraft buzzing in the background. I'm sitting on the sidelines today, a rare thing for me, as I prefer to be in the water.
But not today. Today I need space from them (the kids) and their fights, their tantrums and grumpy faces, their pointy elbows which stick into my sides at the most annoying moments. I even need space from the touches and smiles, and silly, little jokes because I cannot enjoy them. I just need space for this mood to clear. And what a mood it turned out to be. That sick angry feeling was back. It's so scary. I tried to put it away - no good. The anguish pulled at me and my head hurt. The worry overwhelmed me...
That's when my kid's friends mother turned up. I know her a bit, so was obliged to chat and make happy. It was a good distraction. I like her and she speaks English well. Her two daughters attend my English class on Saturday mornings - indeed, it was at her request that I started this class in the first place, for which I am now rather grateful, given the benefits it gives me.
I saw the rest of the weekend out in 'recovery mode' - lying low, taking care of myself and the kids. We made Cowboy cookies together and had a nice supper on Sunday night for Father's day. Cookies and milo for 4. It was good.
It's Monday night now. I'm listening to Paul Potts (blogging music) and going to bed to read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I thought I'd tackle this because I've finished the books I bought and couldn't find anything else at the library. The library here is not good, though they try. They have copious copies of the English classics, but modern novels are rare or maybe they're all borrowed (lent?) out. I'm finding Great Expectations a challenging read because of the old style language and spelling and I can't help but think other people here would have more trouble than me. It's been borrowed out twice before, I wonder how the other people got on with it. I was ready to put it down after two pages, but I forced myself to push through and I'm determined to finish the damn thing.
At least it will keep me occupied and perhaps help keep those nasty moods away.
Friday, June 19, 2009
undercurrent
There's a rather ugly river of thoughts streaming through the deeper recesses of my mind. These are the thoughts that so often got me into trouble in days gone past. Even though I'm doing well, these thoughts still exist if I indulge them. Now I've learned to put them away and focus on more constructive things, they no longer demand the attention they once did. I can function now and not even notice them, whereas they used to dominate most of my waking hours and indeed, some of the sleeping ones - poisoning everything I touched, making me angry and resentful.
There's no doubt that these awful thoughts come to light when ex does something that I think is stupid, thoughtless or even just away from us. My mind screams "it's not fair". Like when he's away, as he is at the moment. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing about them, indulgent as it seems to be.
A friend mentioned to me once that single parenting thing is hard and that two accessible parents are better than one. I think that she's right and I often think about that point when I feel like I want to come home. The things is though, I'm doing 90% of the parenting myself anyhow! I take care of the kids basic needs for food, bathing and medical. I play with them, solve their problems, mediate their arguments, take them out, take them on holidays so they have fun, deal with their homework and ferry them around. I take them out for dinner and even to their grandmother's so that they can visit her. I talk to them, read with them, sit with them, comfort them and make cookies with them, even when I don't feel like it. If I go to my room for some time to myself, I inevitably end up with the both of them hanging out with me while ex is outside watching tv or in his room. They also come to work with me, when ex is out of town. So my point at this stage is, WTF am I doing here??????????????????????????
If I focus on this, the anger boils up and I get angry really quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, the crabbiness from the last two days is probably these thoughts pushing themselves to the surface, clambering to be noticed and acknowledged. You know how it is when something that needs to be acknowledge, gets ignored? It'll manifest itself in other ways so that you just can't ignore it. So here we are.
So, alright then, I know I'm not really happy with this situation and I wish ex would step up to the plate more. He does sometimes and when he does, I make a point of noticing. However, if I were him, in this situation, I'd be a little more involved. But I'm me and I can't control him. And I don't want to speak to him about it either. It's his decision, his choice. As it stands, I'll still keep my commitment to stay and not run off. I'll go back to Australia for a holiday and enjoy the hell out of myself (drinks anyone?) and come back here for another year of schooling. I'll try to do what works and keep myself stable and not jeopardise the good work I've done. I'll teach and do a good job at it. I'll read more, blog more and above all, keep watching Adam Lambert (American Idol, runner up) because that man, gay as he is, makes me forget all the shitty thoughts in my head. Who knew that eye-liner could look so good on a guy? LOL.
it's 2.36am. Time to sleep, except that now I'm hungry. Night all.
There's no doubt that these awful thoughts come to light when ex does something that I think is stupid, thoughtless or even just away from us. My mind screams "it's not fair". Like when he's away, as he is at the moment. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing about them, indulgent as it seems to be.
A friend mentioned to me once that single parenting thing is hard and that two accessible parents are better than one. I think that she's right and I often think about that point when I feel like I want to come home. The things is though, I'm doing 90% of the parenting myself anyhow! I take care of the kids basic needs for food, bathing and medical. I play with them, solve their problems, mediate their arguments, take them out, take them on holidays so they have fun, deal with their homework and ferry them around. I take them out for dinner and even to their grandmother's so that they can visit her. I talk to them, read with them, sit with them, comfort them and make cookies with them, even when I don't feel like it. If I go to my room for some time to myself, I inevitably end up with the both of them hanging out with me while ex is outside watching tv or in his room. They also come to work with me, when ex is out of town. So my point at this stage is, WTF am I doing here??????????????????????????
If I focus on this, the anger boils up and I get angry really quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, the crabbiness from the last two days is probably these thoughts pushing themselves to the surface, clambering to be noticed and acknowledged. You know how it is when something that needs to be acknowledge, gets ignored? It'll manifest itself in other ways so that you just can't ignore it. So here we are.
So, alright then, I know I'm not really happy with this situation and I wish ex would step up to the plate more. He does sometimes and when he does, I make a point of noticing. However, if I were him, in this situation, I'd be a little more involved. But I'm me and I can't control him. And I don't want to speak to him about it either. It's his decision, his choice. As it stands, I'll still keep my commitment to stay and not run off. I'll go back to Australia for a holiday and enjoy the hell out of myself (drinks anyone?) and come back here for another year of schooling. I'll try to do what works and keep myself stable and not jeopardise the good work I've done. I'll teach and do a good job at it. I'll read more, blog more and above all, keep watching Adam Lambert (American Idol, runner up) because that man, gay as he is, makes me forget all the shitty thoughts in my head. Who knew that eye-liner could look so good on a guy? LOL.
it's 2.36am. Time to sleep, except that now I'm hungry. Night all.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
crap
That's what I feel like today, following on a bit from last night. I don't know why. I feel lonely, shitty and to top it off, crabby with the kids. My son is driving me crazy. He's soooo stubborn, wanting to explain every little detail of his misdemeanours - what, when and most importantly WHY! His favourite thing to say is "MUMMY, I have to tell you something, and it's really important and I need to tell you right now". This usually precedes the WHY of something that he did or wants to do that I've already said no to ten times in a row. I never remember talking back to my parents like that.
And it's not like we haven't tried to stop it - "no means no", timeout, "stop talking, now", walking away and ignoring him and probably a dozen other things. But once he's got something in his head that he needs to get out, that's it, it's gotta come out. And being the main parent, who seems to do all the parenting lately, I get the brunt of it.
I know this feeling he has. Desperate, angry, frustrated that the other person doesn't want to hear you. It must be horrible for him. I can see the pain etched all over his face, a dead-set reflection of my own anger and frustration whenever I think I'm not being listened to. The pre-cursor to (for me) dangerous meltdowns. I hope it's not going to be the same for him. Perhaps I've given it to him, though he's never seen me meltdown directly. Maybe he picked it up in my energy along the way. I don't know and I don't know what to do about it. Most times I stay calm, but sometimes I get a bit beside myself.
It gets tiring, having to deal with it everyday. Not a day goes by that my son and I don't clash over something that he's done or said. In fact, I'd say that when he's at home, it's almost every hour. If I leave him be, it's OK, he goes and does what he wants to do, but I can't leave him alone all the time. There's things to be done, homework, showers, dinner, all the normal stuff that we've just got to do. For him to get these things done, I've got to be on him the whole time because he gets distracted. I can't count the number of times I've caught him doing something with his underpants half way up his legs because he's gotten himself distracted while he's supposed to be getting dressed.
When he was younger, a lot of people say, family included, that I was too soft on him and I often wonder if this has contributed to how he is now. I probably was too soft on him, but he didn't have anyone else. His father was too angry with me and in turn, rather distant from the kids, especially our boy and there was no-one else for him to bond with. We weren't near my family and it wasn't like ex's family came running over to play with him, though they didn't hesitate to tell me what I was doing wrong (not in a horrible way, they just said it), so he really didn't have anyone else. Just me. And I was a mess then too, so I probably was soft. It doesn't matter now though, what matters now is that I teach him some self control. And he needs to be heard, even if his thoughts don't always make sense. I've still got some time with my online psychologist, so i may email her about this, because I'm just not sure which way to take him - ignore the bad behaviour, try to control it, try to reason with him (he is only 6 and a half) or just ride it through doing the best I can. I don't have a strategy and I feel like I need one. That's the teacher coming out in me though and I don't know if he needs me to be his teacher or his mum - they're different doncha know.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep him calm, give him time-out when I think he needs it and listen to him when I think it's appropriate. And I'll make him some cowboy cookies - he loves those and they're not too sweet.
And it's not like we haven't tried to stop it - "no means no", timeout, "stop talking, now", walking away and ignoring him and probably a dozen other things. But once he's got something in his head that he needs to get out, that's it, it's gotta come out. And being the main parent, who seems to do all the parenting lately, I get the brunt of it.
I know this feeling he has. Desperate, angry, frustrated that the other person doesn't want to hear you. It must be horrible for him. I can see the pain etched all over his face, a dead-set reflection of my own anger and frustration whenever I think I'm not being listened to. The pre-cursor to (for me) dangerous meltdowns. I hope it's not going to be the same for him. Perhaps I've given it to him, though he's never seen me meltdown directly. Maybe he picked it up in my energy along the way. I don't know and I don't know what to do about it. Most times I stay calm, but sometimes I get a bit beside myself.
It gets tiring, having to deal with it everyday. Not a day goes by that my son and I don't clash over something that he's done or said. In fact, I'd say that when he's at home, it's almost every hour. If I leave him be, it's OK, he goes and does what he wants to do, but I can't leave him alone all the time. There's things to be done, homework, showers, dinner, all the normal stuff that we've just got to do. For him to get these things done, I've got to be on him the whole time because he gets distracted. I can't count the number of times I've caught him doing something with his underpants half way up his legs because he's gotten himself distracted while he's supposed to be getting dressed.
When he was younger, a lot of people say, family included, that I was too soft on him and I often wonder if this has contributed to how he is now. I probably was too soft on him, but he didn't have anyone else. His father was too angry with me and in turn, rather distant from the kids, especially our boy and there was no-one else for him to bond with. We weren't near my family and it wasn't like ex's family came running over to play with him, though they didn't hesitate to tell me what I was doing wrong (not in a horrible way, they just said it), so he really didn't have anyone else. Just me. And I was a mess then too, so I probably was soft. It doesn't matter now though, what matters now is that I teach him some self control. And he needs to be heard, even if his thoughts don't always make sense. I've still got some time with my online psychologist, so i may email her about this, because I'm just not sure which way to take him - ignore the bad behaviour, try to control it, try to reason with him (he is only 6 and a half) or just ride it through doing the best I can. I don't have a strategy and I feel like I need one. That's the teacher coming out in me though and I don't know if he needs me to be his teacher or his mum - they're different doncha know.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep him calm, give him time-out when I think he needs it and listen to him when I think it's appropriate. And I'll make him some cowboy cookies - he loves those and they're not too sweet.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
cooking
Why is it that some people can just come up with a nice dinner, just like that - or they seem to. Tonight I just don't know what to cook for dinner. What I really want to do is just make some pizza for me and the kids - cheese, capsicum, olives, pineapple on wholemeal tortilla with some salad on the side - is that an acceptable dinner? I always feel guilty because ex doesn't like this kind of food. We love it, but it just gives him a stomach ache. And even though I sound big and brave now, I still get torn between what I want to do and wanting his approval. Arrrggghhh.
No matter. I've just told him what I'm cooking and he's Ok with it - he'll have just a bit and if it's not enough, he'll go get something. See, he's not unreasonable. He's OK.
No matter. I've just told him what I'm cooking and he's Ok with it - he'll have just a bit and if it's not enough, he'll go get something. See, he's not unreasonable. He's OK.
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