For some reason yesterday, to prove to ex that I do really know myself, I told him about the qualities that make up me. Interestingly enough, I've never been able to do this before, but I can sure as hell do it now.
I'm worried, desperate, emotional, sensitive to criticism, strong, determined, patient, tired, frustrated, angry, inconsistent, flustered, unfit, overweight ( by 10kgs), stressed, irrational, rational, numb, jealous, confused, envious, affectionate, caring, literal, practical, kind, gentle, sometimes funny. I'm quiet, I'm a loyal friend. I'm in it for the long term, which is why I'm still here trying to fix things. I can also be incredibly stubborn and naive, denying the most awful things about myself and what's happening around me.
Those are things I am. I accept them, as do my wonderful family and friends. I do try my best to improve myself. I read, I write, I comment sometimes if I have something to say.
To some, I'm below normal. To others, I'm intelligent, kind and well balanced (I've got the card to prove it). To me, well, I just don't know. I am.... just me.
Friday, September 12, 2008
I just don't get it
I don't, I just don't. Yet again another week where I thought I was doing really well, only to be told that no, you weren't doing well and it's weeks like this that make me want to go away for a week or a month.
For years, I've struggled to understand what it is he actually wants. He'd tell me things, but I didn't truly understand what he was asking for. If I'd understood, things would have gotten better. Now, when I think I know myself and what I want, I still can't see what it is he wants from me.
Yesterday was a terrible day - meltdown for both of us. So bad, I can barely remember the details of what we talked about. I know I wanted to talk about the way things were progressing - or not. Seems like the last few days have been bad ones - i know by the amount of time he spends with us (me and kids). But it's like when you're riding a bike and someone jams a stick in your wheel and you stop suddenly and go head first over the handle bars and spiral uncontrollably into the air -and you KNOW something bad's going to happen. And it did.
I was feeling strong, sure of myself and instigated the dreaded pastime - the "TALK". I never learn.
We talked for 20 minutes about I don't know what and then he had to leave to take our son to his piano lessons. When he left, I spiralled and I couldn't take xanax because I'd already taken some cold and flu medicine. I couldn't reach the doctor to see if it was safe, I couldn't reach ex to see if he knew, there I was ALONE and spiralling. Wanting to go home, just go home, knowing it's not possible, yet.
Later, when he came back, we talked some more. It calmed me, but completely stressed him out. There were three things we needed to discuss - again. The rash on my son's face, my son's shoes (he has a severely collapsed arch and needs orthotics) and, bloody hell, Malaysian politics. We had to discuss these again because ex needs to discuss things to his satisfaction - or from my perspective, until I apologise and agree with him. Keeping in mind how we are together, my perspective on what happened may or may not be true.
Even though I'd apologised already, I said I was wrong about the rash thing, and sorry about making a comment on a topic that is quite serious. My intention in both these cases was not malicious. I didn't do it to stress him out. He says he knows that, but it still does. I can't comment on anything without him thinking I've got some agenda going. And these things spiral around in his head and stress him out. Hmmmm, sounds like someone I know.
But when we talk, it's hard to stick to the topic and not bring in the past, the baggage. Damn hard. I want so badly to make him feel better, the desperateness is pathetic. Yet I can't seem to stop myself. I pile it all on and want to talk about everything at once and I want him to admit it's not just me - how can it be, there are two people here.
When I live in my reality, I am strong, confident and capable. When I live in his, I'm a timid, self conscious doormat. My voice and manner change. I feel bad about myself. I don't like myself when I am with him. But if I am any other way, he sees it as being defensive.
Wait a minute...there was that one sentence he said..."sometimes it seems like I'm talking to a normal person and it's surprising". I wonder if he'll remember saying it.
Everything I say, everything, he percieves as me wanting to put the responsibility of our breakdown on him. And as much as he does this, I want to tell him NO! that's not it. I don't blame you. I'm so tired, so damn sick and tired of us blaming each other.
Why can't we just agree on the facts. I'm starting to believe that there is no reality, only perception. Different perceptions are our reality, and if they don't match, then you shouldn't be together.
Again the thoughts, why can't I understand him, what am I doing wrong, why can't I fix this. I would love a mediator in the middle to coach us through some meaningful communication. To see and be shown what I can do instead, to make things better. And I just mean to be able to be in the same room together. Not as a couple, just as two people who are the parents of two beautiful children and who need to be able to get along.
I just don't know anymore, I just don't know. I don't think I ever knew, yet I convinced myself I could learn. And I did learn, but I still don't know.
Ex said that I still have issues - low confidence, oversensitivity to criticism, emotional instability, that I'm not 'there' yet. I talk as if I'm normal now and he's the one with problems. Like I've solved those issues. Of course I have issues, I'm human! I'm never going to solve those issues, they are a part of me and you know what, I accept it. I accept those flaws in me. My kids will have to accept those flaws in me. Everybody has their personality foibles, and I'm allowed to have mine (and when ex sees me as confident and strong, he calls it arrogance. I can't win).
I know this entry is confused and ill-written. I don't care. I'm upset and frustrated and this is how I feel. A day like this is a real kick in the face. You think you're doing well and bang! someone tells you a completely different story.
After venting the emotion yesterday (while son was out, as opposed to last time) I'm OK. Ex is worse. He's taking the xanax now, so it must be bad.
Today he said he's in no shape to talk about what happened and to let it cool for 2 days. I believed him and let it go. Took the kids for dinner. They deserve to do the normal things that families do, even if it's just with one parent present. They enjoyed their pizza and now they're playing beautifully together.
Me, I'll just blog, wait and see. This thing will blow over and things will return to our 'not so normal' way of life. On Sunday, we need to go to KL. We have to, otherwise we wouldn't risk such a trip. But our son needs custom made orthotics for his poor feet and we need to step up as parents and get them for him. They will be expensive and ex will need to pay for them.
I'm sure we'll both be on our best xanax behaviour.
For years, I've struggled to understand what it is he actually wants. He'd tell me things, but I didn't truly understand what he was asking for. If I'd understood, things would have gotten better. Now, when I think I know myself and what I want, I still can't see what it is he wants from me.
Yesterday was a terrible day - meltdown for both of us. So bad, I can barely remember the details of what we talked about. I know I wanted to talk about the way things were progressing - or not. Seems like the last few days have been bad ones - i know by the amount of time he spends with us (me and kids). But it's like when you're riding a bike and someone jams a stick in your wheel and you stop suddenly and go head first over the handle bars and spiral uncontrollably into the air -and you KNOW something bad's going to happen. And it did.
I was feeling strong, sure of myself and instigated the dreaded pastime - the "TALK". I never learn.
We talked for 20 minutes about I don't know what and then he had to leave to take our son to his piano lessons. When he left, I spiralled and I couldn't take xanax because I'd already taken some cold and flu medicine. I couldn't reach the doctor to see if it was safe, I couldn't reach ex to see if he knew, there I was ALONE and spiralling. Wanting to go home, just go home, knowing it's not possible, yet.
Later, when he came back, we talked some more. It calmed me, but completely stressed him out. There were three things we needed to discuss - again. The rash on my son's face, my son's shoes (he has a severely collapsed arch and needs orthotics) and, bloody hell, Malaysian politics. We had to discuss these again because ex needs to discuss things to his satisfaction - or from my perspective, until I apologise and agree with him. Keeping in mind how we are together, my perspective on what happened may or may not be true.
Even though I'd apologised already, I said I was wrong about the rash thing, and sorry about making a comment on a topic that is quite serious. My intention in both these cases was not malicious. I didn't do it to stress him out. He says he knows that, but it still does. I can't comment on anything without him thinking I've got some agenda going. And these things spiral around in his head and stress him out. Hmmmm, sounds like someone I know.
But when we talk, it's hard to stick to the topic and not bring in the past, the baggage. Damn hard. I want so badly to make him feel better, the desperateness is pathetic. Yet I can't seem to stop myself. I pile it all on and want to talk about everything at once and I want him to admit it's not just me - how can it be, there are two people here.
When I live in my reality, I am strong, confident and capable. When I live in his, I'm a timid, self conscious doormat. My voice and manner change. I feel bad about myself. I don't like myself when I am with him. But if I am any other way, he sees it as being defensive.
Wait a minute...there was that one sentence he said..."sometimes it seems like I'm talking to a normal person and it's surprising". I wonder if he'll remember saying it.
Everything I say, everything, he percieves as me wanting to put the responsibility of our breakdown on him. And as much as he does this, I want to tell him NO! that's not it. I don't blame you. I'm so tired, so damn sick and tired of us blaming each other.
Why can't we just agree on the facts. I'm starting to believe that there is no reality, only perception. Different perceptions are our reality, and if they don't match, then you shouldn't be together.
Again the thoughts, why can't I understand him, what am I doing wrong, why can't I fix this. I would love a mediator in the middle to coach us through some meaningful communication. To see and be shown what I can do instead, to make things better. And I just mean to be able to be in the same room together. Not as a couple, just as two people who are the parents of two beautiful children and who need to be able to get along.
I just don't know anymore, I just don't know. I don't think I ever knew, yet I convinced myself I could learn. And I did learn, but I still don't know.
Ex said that I still have issues - low confidence, oversensitivity to criticism, emotional instability, that I'm not 'there' yet. I talk as if I'm normal now and he's the one with problems. Like I've solved those issues. Of course I have issues, I'm human! I'm never going to solve those issues, they are a part of me and you know what, I accept it. I accept those flaws in me. My kids will have to accept those flaws in me. Everybody has their personality foibles, and I'm allowed to have mine (and when ex sees me as confident and strong, he calls it arrogance. I can't win).
I know this entry is confused and ill-written. I don't care. I'm upset and frustrated and this is how I feel. A day like this is a real kick in the face. You think you're doing well and bang! someone tells you a completely different story.
After venting the emotion yesterday (while son was out, as opposed to last time) I'm OK. Ex is worse. He's taking the xanax now, so it must be bad.
Today he said he's in no shape to talk about what happened and to let it cool for 2 days. I believed him and let it go. Took the kids for dinner. They deserve to do the normal things that families do, even if it's just with one parent present. They enjoyed their pizza and now they're playing beautifully together.
Me, I'll just blog, wait and see. This thing will blow over and things will return to our 'not so normal' way of life. On Sunday, we need to go to KL. We have to, otherwise we wouldn't risk such a trip. But our son needs custom made orthotics for his poor feet and we need to step up as parents and get them for him. They will be expensive and ex will need to pay for them.
I'm sure we'll both be on our best xanax behaviour.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Post Elephant
I want to be gentle, but it's hard when he treats me like an idiot and makes it seem like I'm the most stressful thing in his life. I have no opinion, yet he thinks it's me who has all the power. I don't understand why he can't see it.
I saw a tv show yesterday where a family who is in tatters, is put in front of the camera and the Rabbi Schmuley solves their crisis and does some counselling. I watched with fascination because the father, arrogant and self-important, reminded me of ex. Telling his wife, timid and with low self esteem, that she wasn't punctual enough, was this and that enough, that she should do this better or that better - OMG - JUST LIKE EX. His love for her was conditional, or at least that's how he made her feel. He didn't praise her, only told her what she was doing wrong, in his eyes anyway. I couldn't believe the similarities. And the Rabbi told this guy - "you make your wife feel worthless, you HAVE contributed to her low self esteem." and I thought 'that's me, THAT is me'.
Now I'm not denying that I'm also responsible for what's happened to our relationship. I didn't have many 'relationship' skills and my personal skills and confidence weren't what they needed to be. BUT, I forgive myself for that because I didn't know any better. I wish it had've been different, that I had been more mature, but I wasn't. I was completely naive and thought that love would be enough! Bullshit. I know better now and I do better.
But that's my perspective and my ex has a completely different view of what's happened in the past and what's happening now. And (note to self, yet again) that's why it can never be. If we don't agree on something as fundamental as what is happening right under our noses, we can never be.
And I'm not going to settle for that. My mother in law holds out hope for us. She says every marriage is like that, having it's good and bad parts, but we should stick together. I told her I'm not willing to settle for being unhappy for the rest of my life and he shouldn't either. This can't be as good as it gets. We deserve to love and be loved for who we are. There has to be more to life than living under a cloud of low self esteem, trying to please others. I'd rather live content and alone, than live like this. No, there has to be more to life and I will keep on until and if, I find it. If I die and I'm never content, then at least I can say "I tried".
My reality will always be different to what others see, just because I am an individual. I may be wrong, but this seems to be the way life is, for now anyway.
I saw a tv show yesterday where a family who is in tatters, is put in front of the camera and the Rabbi Schmuley solves their crisis and does some counselling. I watched with fascination because the father, arrogant and self-important, reminded me of ex. Telling his wife, timid and with low self esteem, that she wasn't punctual enough, was this and that enough, that she should do this better or that better - OMG - JUST LIKE EX. His love for her was conditional, or at least that's how he made her feel. He didn't praise her, only told her what she was doing wrong, in his eyes anyway. I couldn't believe the similarities. And the Rabbi told this guy - "you make your wife feel worthless, you HAVE contributed to her low self esteem." and I thought 'that's me, THAT is me'.
Now I'm not denying that I'm also responsible for what's happened to our relationship. I didn't have many 'relationship' skills and my personal skills and confidence weren't what they needed to be. BUT, I forgive myself for that because I didn't know any better. I wish it had've been different, that I had been more mature, but I wasn't. I was completely naive and thought that love would be enough! Bullshit. I know better now and I do better.
But that's my perspective and my ex has a completely different view of what's happened in the past and what's happening now. And (note to self, yet again) that's why it can never be. If we don't agree on something as fundamental as what is happening right under our noses, we can never be.
And I'm not going to settle for that. My mother in law holds out hope for us. She says every marriage is like that, having it's good and bad parts, but we should stick together. I told her I'm not willing to settle for being unhappy for the rest of my life and he shouldn't either. This can't be as good as it gets. We deserve to love and be loved for who we are. There has to be more to life than living under a cloud of low self esteem, trying to please others. I'd rather live content and alone, than live like this. No, there has to be more to life and I will keep on until and if, I find it. If I die and I'm never content, then at least I can say "I tried".
My reality will always be different to what others see, just because I am an individual. I may be wrong, but this seems to be the way life is, for now anyway.
The Elephant in the room
This elephant is of the financial kind. It's a big, terrifying issue. And I can't believe it. Ex is running out of money, as far as I can see anyway. Yesterday he needed me to transfer more money from Australia to his bank account here - again. From the sale of some software rights in April, he's had access to over AUD 35K. That translates to 98,000 ringgit. 30K of that is invested. That leaves 68,000. According to ex, there's 2 - 3 K left. So in 6 months, he's spent 65,000 ringgit. Divided by 6 that's 11 ringgit per month. Our expenses are between 4 - 4.5 K a month, max. So where did the rest of the money go and is he obligated to tell me. He doesn't think so. He's not answerable to me anymore, it's no business of mine.
Except that I think it is. I have a bad feeling about this, but I don't trust myself to judge it correctly. Like I said, it looks like he's running out of money. Maybe he's not. Maybe he's got some business deal where he's making money and not telling me. Maybe, when he goes away for the few days each month, he's there for work (has anybody got a bridge to sell me? she says, looking around Bloggerland) and he's going to make money. His mum confidentially told me that he's been negotiating some deal in Singapore and I found some Sing. money in the car, so he's obviously been there.
And he's expecting me to spiral, to use it as an excuse to leave. I can see it in his short, abrupt manner, his 'what is it now' look that he gives me when I need to ask him something. It's like around every corner, he's expecting me to come out with 'now that you're running out of money, I want to go home'. He thinks he's walking on eggshells, to stop me from spiraling. But it's actually the other way around - we are walking on eggshells to stop him from stressing out too much. Two very different, valid realities based on past experiences.
But I'm not going to. I'm going to wait. I have my dad's patience. I'm going to stay stable and IF he brings it up, I'm going to say "don't be silly, you've still got your investments and you've just transferred money from overseas." I'm going to show faith in him. I want to be gentle, to not hurt him. It's not the right time to come home, not yet.
I know he's struggling, I can see it. He finds it difficult to talk to me, it's hard for him to remember things. It's all so stressful. I hope he can handle it, I know I can.
Except that I think it is. I have a bad feeling about this, but I don't trust myself to judge it correctly. Like I said, it looks like he's running out of money. Maybe he's not. Maybe he's got some business deal where he's making money and not telling me. Maybe, when he goes away for the few days each month, he's there for work (has anybody got a bridge to sell me? she says, looking around Bloggerland) and he's going to make money. His mum confidentially told me that he's been negotiating some deal in Singapore and I found some Sing. money in the car, so he's obviously been there.
And he's expecting me to spiral, to use it as an excuse to leave. I can see it in his short, abrupt manner, his 'what is it now' look that he gives me when I need to ask him something. It's like around every corner, he's expecting me to come out with 'now that you're running out of money, I want to go home'. He thinks he's walking on eggshells, to stop me from spiraling. But it's actually the other way around - we are walking on eggshells to stop him from stressing out too much. Two very different, valid realities based on past experiences.
But I'm not going to. I'm going to wait. I have my dad's patience. I'm going to stay stable and IF he brings it up, I'm going to say "don't be silly, you've still got your investments and you've just transferred money from overseas." I'm going to show faith in him. I want to be gentle, to not hurt him. It's not the right time to come home, not yet.
I know he's struggling, I can see it. He finds it difficult to talk to me, it's hard for him to remember things. It's all so stressful. I hope he can handle it, I know I can.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
My son
My wonderfully funny, sensitive, extroverted boy. Big, brown eyes that are the perfect mix of Chinese and Caucasian, his face always changing with different expressions, his long, slender fingers moving with flourish as he speaks. He's a performer, imaginative and obsessive at the same time, maddeningly talkative, bright and sparkly, cheeky and an all-over amazing kid.
But he has problems, my boy. He's rigid, obsessive about certain topics, controlling and can have spectacular meltdowns on trivial issues. He wants things done his way and they have to be just so. He tells half truths or no truths, he's a bit sneaky and has trouble articulating his feelings. He has trouble focusing his attention. "Put your pyjamas on", I say night after night, only to come back a half hour later and find him naked on the floor, reading a book or playing with his favorite toy (no, not his penis).
His teachers adore him. He's been there for 3 years and I know they'll miss him when he moves on. They spoke to me at the parent teacher interview the way I speak to the parents of the kids that I adore. Laughing about his little quirks, being sure to emphasize his strengths. I'm so glad I chose that school for him. They've handled him wonderfully, putting him in the thinking chair when he needed time out, helping him with his chinese and malay and his behaviour. He does love that school.
His controlling behaviour bothers me - a lot. When kids play with him, he just doesn't blend in. He wants them to play his way or no way. When we do things with him or he gets something on his mind, he WILL NOT let the issue go, until you agree with him. If he wants to perform for my aunty on the web cam, he will, whether I want him to or not. He manipulates and plays up until you let him or don't notice him any more and then he'll do it anyway. He takes a good hour to eat his dinner (and it drives ex nuts), he breaks things and lies about it. He started behaving this way as he emerged from toddler-hood. So, in the last 3 years really - he's 6 now.
My father saw how challenging he can be when we stayed with them for 4 months in '07. He worked with him, making situations where my son would want his own way, but would have to settle for his Opa's. My dad (Opa to my son) is the most patient man on earth. My son improved, he was happy and relaxed.
Lately it's been like he's done a complete turn-around. But then life is different here. We're not relaxed, though we try to be. His life here is school in the mornings, boredom in the afternoons. He plays computer and watches tv, and it's hard not to let him have those things too much. 2 hours of tv at the most, and an hour of computer. He has some play time with his dad, the park and swimming occasionally if the weather holds and it's not too hot. Friends his own age are few. There are no animals - he's loves my parents dog, Kia and my sis's dogs, Chucky and Tilly, but we can't have pets. So, life's a bit boring for an active 6 year old.
Talking to my sis today set a light bulb off. His controlling behaviour could be due him picking up on the stressful situation in the house. He can't control his environment, so he seeks to control those around him. It's not constant, but it's there - the controlling behaviour. Interestingly, ex says he's like me and my whole family say he's like ex! The only solution, my sis said, was to come home. Take him out of the situation before he's scarred for life. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't considered that he'd be so affected by all of this, that there's a good chance he'll carry it on into his adulthood. And of course, not just him, but his sister too. While this is definitely a concern, I've thought about the trauma that running away would induce. I don't know which is worse.
Of course, after the phone call today, I cried. I cried because I can't extricate myself soon enough to stop this. Because I don't have the balls to stand up to ex and say I need to take the kids home - NOW! I cried because my beautiful, little boy, so innocent, has the need to control those around him because he feels so out of control.
Now I'm aware that this is just one scenario. Maybe he's going through a phase - maybe not. So today I started with talking. We had pizza picnic on my bedroom floor and I told him that everything was going to be OK and that we loved him very much. I didn't pressure him to come out with anything, just said that if he ever had sad feelings, that it was OK and that we can talk about it. We talked some more and ate home made pizza. It was nice and he enjoyed the attention and seemed to relax a little. We've been remiss in talking to him. Sometimes he talks so much, it's all we can do for a bit of quiet. But he needs us to talk to him, to tell him things and to bring up subjects that maybe he's a little shy to ask about or can't quite articulate.
My promise to him from now on is that I won't assume he's not noticing things, just because he doesn't ask all the right questions. I promise him that I'll talk to him everyday, giving him the words he will need to express himself and be gentle when he's feeling so stressed that he needs to meltdown or control those around him. And I will promise him my time and attention whenever he needs it.
I can't take us home right now, but I can be there for him when he needs it.
But he has problems, my boy. He's rigid, obsessive about certain topics, controlling and can have spectacular meltdowns on trivial issues. He wants things done his way and they have to be just so. He tells half truths or no truths, he's a bit sneaky and has trouble articulating his feelings. He has trouble focusing his attention. "Put your pyjamas on", I say night after night, only to come back a half hour later and find him naked on the floor, reading a book or playing with his favorite toy (no, not his penis).
His teachers adore him. He's been there for 3 years and I know they'll miss him when he moves on. They spoke to me at the parent teacher interview the way I speak to the parents of the kids that I adore. Laughing about his little quirks, being sure to emphasize his strengths. I'm so glad I chose that school for him. They've handled him wonderfully, putting him in the thinking chair when he needed time out, helping him with his chinese and malay and his behaviour. He does love that school.
His controlling behaviour bothers me - a lot. When kids play with him, he just doesn't blend in. He wants them to play his way or no way. When we do things with him or he gets something on his mind, he WILL NOT let the issue go, until you agree with him. If he wants to perform for my aunty on the web cam, he will, whether I want him to or not. He manipulates and plays up until you let him or don't notice him any more and then he'll do it anyway. He takes a good hour to eat his dinner (and it drives ex nuts), he breaks things and lies about it. He started behaving this way as he emerged from toddler-hood. So, in the last 3 years really - he's 6 now.
My father saw how challenging he can be when we stayed with them for 4 months in '07. He worked with him, making situations where my son would want his own way, but would have to settle for his Opa's. My dad (Opa to my son) is the most patient man on earth. My son improved, he was happy and relaxed.
Lately it's been like he's done a complete turn-around. But then life is different here. We're not relaxed, though we try to be. His life here is school in the mornings, boredom in the afternoons. He plays computer and watches tv, and it's hard not to let him have those things too much. 2 hours of tv at the most, and an hour of computer. He has some play time with his dad, the park and swimming occasionally if the weather holds and it's not too hot. Friends his own age are few. There are no animals - he's loves my parents dog, Kia and my sis's dogs, Chucky and Tilly, but we can't have pets. So, life's a bit boring for an active 6 year old.
Talking to my sis today set a light bulb off. His controlling behaviour could be due him picking up on the stressful situation in the house. He can't control his environment, so he seeks to control those around him. It's not constant, but it's there - the controlling behaviour. Interestingly, ex says he's like me and my whole family say he's like ex! The only solution, my sis said, was to come home. Take him out of the situation before he's scarred for life. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't considered that he'd be so affected by all of this, that there's a good chance he'll carry it on into his adulthood. And of course, not just him, but his sister too. While this is definitely a concern, I've thought about the trauma that running away would induce. I don't know which is worse.
Of course, after the phone call today, I cried. I cried because I can't extricate myself soon enough to stop this. Because I don't have the balls to stand up to ex and say I need to take the kids home - NOW! I cried because my beautiful, little boy, so innocent, has the need to control those around him because he feels so out of control.
Now I'm aware that this is just one scenario. Maybe he's going through a phase - maybe not. So today I started with talking. We had pizza picnic on my bedroom floor and I told him that everything was going to be OK and that we loved him very much. I didn't pressure him to come out with anything, just said that if he ever had sad feelings, that it was OK and that we can talk about it. We talked some more and ate home made pizza. It was nice and he enjoyed the attention and seemed to relax a little. We've been remiss in talking to him. Sometimes he talks so much, it's all we can do for a bit of quiet. But he needs us to talk to him, to tell him things and to bring up subjects that maybe he's a little shy to ask about or can't quite articulate.
My promise to him from now on is that I won't assume he's not noticing things, just because he doesn't ask all the right questions. I promise him that I'll talk to him everyday, giving him the words he will need to express himself and be gentle when he's feeling so stressed that he needs to meltdown or control those around him. And I will promise him my time and attention whenever he needs it.
I can't take us home right now, but I can be there for him when he needs it.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I think I am making progress
Well, this is a real newsflash. Really. He got angry at me. I let him. I knew he would when I told him to tell me what I'd done wrong so I wouldn't do it again (one of his own lines he uses with me). He let me have it, in his own way. My ex doesn't shout and rarely raises his voice. But this time, he did raise his voice - it was strong and forceful, but not rageful. I took it. I stood there and listened and told him I was sorry. I said I'd made a mistake and would look out for it next time. And while he was doing this, I listened. I thought, what's the real issue here. What's the message he's sending me. And when he'd finished, I apologised again and walked away, head held high. Next morning, I made him breakfast, made small talk and acted though nothing had happened. I was OK. No spiral, raging thoughts, no hate or violence in my head, no victimising myself, thinking poor me, I'm stuck here and he's angry at me. None of that. Just a calm mind and a body that was getting on with things, carrying out the routine.
He on the other hand, was grumpily quiet, speaking only the barest of words, to me anyway. I still didn't spiral, I still didn't think that he shouldn't be angry with me anymore, I just let him be, let him get over it. And he did, the next day. Me, no more toxic anger holding me back, this time anyway. Just doing what needs to be done, being as civil as always.
THIS reaction is very strange, for me. Especially since I didn't think his anger was warranted. I really didn't. The issue was very minor from my perspective, but obviously not from his. But I knew he was angry about it. I saw his face change during the conversation we were having at the time. Later he told me I'd over-stepped his boundary, hadn't communicated properly with him, had overridden what he was trying to do, I'd mixed medications and didn't consider his opinion. It's what you always do he said, you only do what you think is right. Fuming anger.
What WAS this over? My son has had a small rash on the side of his face, more than likely excema. When I didn't seem to be doing anything about it, ex decided to treat it using Vitamin E cream. After 2 - 3 days I saw it wasn't working, and had gotten some mild hydro-cortisone cream to treat instead. I didn't tell him and I had started applying it, with the rash gradually fading. I asked ex if he'd noticed that the rash was fading, because I was using a different cream. He looked at me and said, "Just take him to the doctor". And that was it - anger, silence, and the rest you know.
If I could have done this 15 years ago, my past and present would be vastly different. But I wasn't up to it, didn't see it could be done, was too protective about being right and in the end, the whole things a bloody mess. But I've learned, and what's more, the toxic rage that has swirled inside me for so long, is finally starting to quieten.
He on the other hand, was grumpily quiet, speaking only the barest of words, to me anyway. I still didn't spiral, I still didn't think that he shouldn't be angry with me anymore, I just let him be, let him get over it. And he did, the next day. Me, no more toxic anger holding me back, this time anyway. Just doing what needs to be done, being as civil as always.
THIS reaction is very strange, for me. Especially since I didn't think his anger was warranted. I really didn't. The issue was very minor from my perspective, but obviously not from his. But I knew he was angry about it. I saw his face change during the conversation we were having at the time. Later he told me I'd over-stepped his boundary, hadn't communicated properly with him, had overridden what he was trying to do, I'd mixed medications and didn't consider his opinion. It's what you always do he said, you only do what you think is right. Fuming anger.
What WAS this over? My son has had a small rash on the side of his face, more than likely excema. When I didn't seem to be doing anything about it, ex decided to treat it using Vitamin E cream. After 2 - 3 days I saw it wasn't working, and had gotten some mild hydro-cortisone cream to treat instead. I didn't tell him and I had started applying it, with the rash gradually fading. I asked ex if he'd noticed that the rash was fading, because I was using a different cream. He looked at me and said, "Just take him to the doctor". And that was it - anger, silence, and the rest you know.
If I could have done this 15 years ago, my past and present would be vastly different. But I wasn't up to it, didn't see it could be done, was too protective about being right and in the end, the whole things a bloody mess. But I've learned, and what's more, the toxic rage that has swirled inside me for so long, is finally starting to quieten.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Back to Life
Back to life indeed. Since the last post, things have returned to 'our normal', except that I've been sick with the flu since Saturday. It's now day 4 and I still have it. Ex went all out on Monday and took care of lunch and dinner, but I've taken over since then, resting in between. Right now, at least half my life is spent lying down. My mother-in-law was worried I'd contracted a nasty mosquito-borne virus, so I went to the doctors and I'm fine, it's just the flu.
And my daughter wasn't well last night. She was dizzy and her head and neck hurt. She couldn't close her eyes or lie down because it made her dizzy. She could only sit up, with her eyes looking straight ahead. For a frightening moment, I thought she may have had meningitis, but then she didn't have a fever and there was no rash. She eventually had to lie down and close her eyes because she was so tired, and after that she slept. This morning she's a bit better, but not good enough for school. Tomorrow, if she goes, she'll have hours of catch up homework to do.
I'm agonising over my tax returns for our business in Australia. This year ex sold our last asset - ownership rights to some technical software. That all went smoothly enough, BUT i've just found out that I made a huge mistake on the invoice - I've added gst, thinking it was a software sale, but I shouldn't have, because it was the sale of a business!! How was I to know that! The people who paid the invoice obviously didn't know either and they happily paid the few grand of gst, but now I don't know if I should come clean to ex and the other company, or just leave it be. Ex doesn't know of the mistake yet, and I seriously don't want to tell him, but I know I probably should, reason being, in a few months another invoice needs to be sent out and when I send that one out without gst on it....well there will be questions. I really do hate accounting.
In other realms of my life, I'm trying to get the teachers at the autistic centre into some sort of routine. I want to do this by making a schedule with communication pictures and then showing the teachers how they can use this as a gateway to communication with the students. The schedule will be on the wall, with pictures big enough that they can be seen from across the room. Then I want all the students to gather around the display to look at and choose what they want to do. Eventually, I want to teach them to find the picture for the activity that they like to do and be able to give it to me or one of the teachers. Sounds easy enough, but these kids don't follow rules, they don't sit and pay attention, they don't understand english and most of them have never been to school before. I have my work cut out for me. The Autistic centre committee have approached me to go in and co-ordinate the teachers and they've offered to pay me as well. I refused the offer, mainly because I'd rather see the money spent on the school and I've told them that I'd go in a few times a week anyway to see that the teachers are on track and to help them plan activities. Teaching these kids is not an easy job, but when the kids respond or they achieve something, it's one of the most rewarding ones around.
So that's life at the moment. I'm going to go get well now.
And my daughter wasn't well last night. She was dizzy and her head and neck hurt. She couldn't close her eyes or lie down because it made her dizzy. She could only sit up, with her eyes looking straight ahead. For a frightening moment, I thought she may have had meningitis, but then she didn't have a fever and there was no rash. She eventually had to lie down and close her eyes because she was so tired, and after that she slept. This morning she's a bit better, but not good enough for school. Tomorrow, if she goes, she'll have hours of catch up homework to do.
I'm agonising over my tax returns for our business in Australia. This year ex sold our last asset - ownership rights to some technical software. That all went smoothly enough, BUT i've just found out that I made a huge mistake on the invoice - I've added gst, thinking it was a software sale, but I shouldn't have, because it was the sale of a business!! How was I to know that! The people who paid the invoice obviously didn't know either and they happily paid the few grand of gst, but now I don't know if I should come clean to ex and the other company, or just leave it be. Ex doesn't know of the mistake yet, and I seriously don't want to tell him, but I know I probably should, reason being, in a few months another invoice needs to be sent out and when I send that one out without gst on it....well there will be questions. I really do hate accounting.
In other realms of my life, I'm trying to get the teachers at the autistic centre into some sort of routine. I want to do this by making a schedule with communication pictures and then showing the teachers how they can use this as a gateway to communication with the students. The schedule will be on the wall, with pictures big enough that they can be seen from across the room. Then I want all the students to gather around the display to look at and choose what they want to do. Eventually, I want to teach them to find the picture for the activity that they like to do and be able to give it to me or one of the teachers. Sounds easy enough, but these kids don't follow rules, they don't sit and pay attention, they don't understand english and most of them have never been to school before. I have my work cut out for me. The Autistic centre committee have approached me to go in and co-ordinate the teachers and they've offered to pay me as well. I refused the offer, mainly because I'd rather see the money spent on the school and I've told them that I'd go in a few times a week anyway to see that the teachers are on track and to help them plan activities. Teaching these kids is not an easy job, but when the kids respond or they achieve something, it's one of the most rewarding ones around.
So that's life at the moment. I'm going to go get well now.
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