The past week has been mixed. For 2 or so days J and I weren't talking because we'd had a 'thing' over our son being slow. Our son is physically slow when he's doing things and so it takes him forever to do a task. On top of that, he's really un-coordinated. For instance, he can't toss a ball in the air and catch it again because he ends up throwing it backwards over his head, he doesn't run well (though he skips beautifully), and a bat and ball, forget it. It doesn't matter to me, but I do want him to be able to catch and throw like other kids, so that he feels like he's competent and doesn't get teased.
J keeps telling him how slow he is and my alarm bells are going off because I think it's going to impact his self-esteem - he already has trouble with a number of other things. So I said something like "we know, we know he's slow". I meant to say it under my breath but didn't and J heard it and took it to heart saying that he couldn't even say things in his own house. "No, you can't say those types of things, not when he can hear you" I wanted to scream to him, but didn't of course.
So that set the mood of avoidance and curt words for the next couple of days until the tension got too much and I had to say something. Something like we can't survive like this, our daughter is starting to notice the tension, she's asking me why you're frustrated with me and we can't do this thing we've set out to do if you're going to stay in your room and we're all out here.
Talk, talk talk and he said he'd 'let it go' and then said something about "I knew we shouldn't have gone to Kluang (where we'd gone for old souls day), I knew I'd pay for it in the end. I had no idea what he was talking about and he wouldn't explain it, instead saying forget it, it had nothing to do with Kluang.
Then the penny dropped. We'd had a good day in Kluang and now because something good had happened, something bad HAD to happen. That's the way he sees the events in our lives happening. Everytime we achieve something good, I do something to bring us down. If we're happy, I sabotage it by having a mood swing and we get brought down again. I don't ever link things like this, but he does. It's how he has experienced us I guess. I compartmentalise things, but he links them all together in one big string.
So, in essence, in the past and the present, he's wary of good things happening because HE KNOWS something bad will come after - it's the price he and we, all pay for having good things occur.
What he said: every time something good happens, something bad will follow. Whenever I'm up you pull me down, whether you mean to or not. If I'm happy and strong, you're depressed and weak. You pull us down to your level and we never get to stay happy. Now if we do something together, afterwards you'll let your guard down and do something that will pull us down (insensitive comment, mood swing etc) so we end up where we are now, not wanting to do anything with you because I know I'll have to pay later. The things we do together are getting even less and I feel like I'm living in a small box, which gets smaller everytime something like this happens.
That's his reasoning, right or wrong. I don't care whether it's true or not, I just want to do my best to break this cycle. That way at least he will have some confidence to do things together as a family without thinking that it won't be worth it because there's a price to pay.
I understand, I know what I have to do. I have to and want to, stay positive so that he can come out of the box. I can't put him down or be negative, at all, even if I'm not happy. I just want to make things right. I heard from his mum today that he was very happy when I was all positive and doings things with a happy spirit (remember those posts - ahhh, to be back there). That's my goal. To get back up there and change my negative state of mind once and for all.
Only then will I know what's possible. Positive thinking has only served us well.
Now I know I've been going on about positive thinking, but I need to remind myself, otherwise I'll never change. Bad habits are hard to break and negative thinking is just a bad habit I need to break.
Happy, happy, happy.
Cheers
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Some Easter context
For those not in my family, let me tell you about our Easter, so that you can understand what Mr Scorpio is talking about.
Our family is from Holland, well mum and dad are, and Mr Scorpio is an old friend (and I do mean old as well as long-standing) of mum and dad's and he and his wife come along to our family celebrations each year. They're good company, they bring their own beer and wine and we all have a good laugh.
So being Dutch, we have a tradition of colouring hard-boiled eggs on the Saturday night before Easter Sunday. It's all about the kids really. Mum usually boils 3 dozen eggs and that night we sit down with markers, crayons and pots of food dye and let our creative skills go wild. It's messy, but it's lots of fun.
The next morning, "Easter bunny" hides all the eggs in the yard, along with some chocolate goodies and the young kids go on an Easter egg hunt. This year, I think Mr. Scorpio joined in though. It's fun for the kids and sometimes it's really hard to find them all. I think we had one year when the dog dug one up 3 months later!!
After all the eggs have been found, the competition ensues. Each persons takes a hard boiled egg and holds it in such a way that it sits in the palm of the hand with the thumb, forefinger and middle finger clasped around it, exposing the 'pointy end' of the egg. Next, you hit your egg against another egg to see which one cracks. If yours doesn't, you win. Apparently this year someone played on my behalf and I won. That's great because I haven't won in years. The act of cracking the eggs against one another is called 'tooking' (that's the pronunciation, but not sure if it's the write spelling, I think it's a dutch word). So there you go, that's what Mr Scorpio was on about.
I miss Easter, thanks Mr S.
Our family is from Holland, well mum and dad are, and Mr Scorpio is an old friend (and I do mean old as well as long-standing) of mum and dad's and he and his wife come along to our family celebrations each year. They're good company, they bring their own beer and wine and we all have a good laugh.
So being Dutch, we have a tradition of colouring hard-boiled eggs on the Saturday night before Easter Sunday. It's all about the kids really. Mum usually boils 3 dozen eggs and that night we sit down with markers, crayons and pots of food dye and let our creative skills go wild. It's messy, but it's lots of fun.
The next morning, "Easter bunny" hides all the eggs in the yard, along with some chocolate goodies and the young kids go on an Easter egg hunt. This year, I think Mr. Scorpio joined in though. It's fun for the kids and sometimes it's really hard to find them all. I think we had one year when the dog dug one up 3 months later!!
After all the eggs have been found, the competition ensues. Each persons takes a hard boiled egg and holds it in such a way that it sits in the palm of the hand with the thumb, forefinger and middle finger clasped around it, exposing the 'pointy end' of the egg. Next, you hit your egg against another egg to see which one cracks. If yours doesn't, you win. Apparently this year someone played on my behalf and I won. That's great because I haven't won in years. The act of cracking the eggs against one another is called 'tooking' (that's the pronunciation, but not sure if it's the write spelling, I think it's a dutch word). So there you go, that's what Mr Scorpio was on about.
I miss Easter, thanks Mr S.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Dreams about my Dad.
Last night I had a rather scary dream. Now, I'm not one for scary dreams, I don't ever recall having had a nightmare or anything close to it. But last night I woke up crying, much to my surprise.
In the part of the dream that was most vivid, I was standing apart from myself, looking at myself in the third person. Never done that before. In the dream it was me, with my back to another person, who turned out to be my dad. This person was very angry at me. So angry in fact, that he was hurting me, hitting me and beating me over the head with a baseball bat. I was hurt and knew I had to get away, and that if I didn't, well, I would die. At the time, I felt strong and clear-headed, knowing my only priority should be to get away and that I could think about other things later on. I don't think I managed to get far, but when I did get away from him, all I could think about was how hurt I was that he was so angry at me and that I could have, should have done better by him. And I cried and cried. Sound familiar? It does to me.
Please Dad, don't be angry. I've got enough anger for all of us. It's so toxic and it will hurt you and I don't want you to be hurt. You need to be well until we can be together again. I know you've always supported my decision to be here and do what I think is best, even though you didn't agree. I'm so grateful for that. I know you are sitting there, watching my mess of a life unfold in just the way you predicted (to yourself) all those years ago when you found out that I wanted to be with him. I know you are disappointed that I won't stand up for myself, but it's really not that simple. I can't just up and leave. There are other considerations to be heeded. I'm strong and this situation will not destroy me. It will teach me life lessons. The "beautiful girl" you said you think you are losing is still here, waiting, waiting til the time is right to come home. And when I do, I'll be more of me than I ever thought possible. So please don't worry for me. I'm OK and I will see you at the end of the year.
I know my family are angry at me, it seems that everyone is. But I need to do what I think is best for my children, in my situation. For a very long time, I found it difficult to make my own decisions, often letting myself get swayed by someone else's opinion or I'd just go along with whatever J wanted. Now in this situation, knowing all that I know about myself and my situation and the kind of person J really is (ie not always the 'bastard' I make him out to be), I find that J and I are the only ones who can really make the decision together. And we did. Even though I yearn to be home, I know this is the best thing for my kids at the moment. Nothing is going to have more influence on our kids than we are. And I know right now, both my children need their father and their mother and they need each other. That's the entire basis for my decision to stay here.
And when I think about it like that, I feel good about myself and my decision.
In the part of the dream that was most vivid, I was standing apart from myself, looking at myself in the third person. Never done that before. In the dream it was me, with my back to another person, who turned out to be my dad. This person was very angry at me. So angry in fact, that he was hurting me, hitting me and beating me over the head with a baseball bat. I was hurt and knew I had to get away, and that if I didn't, well, I would die. At the time, I felt strong and clear-headed, knowing my only priority should be to get away and that I could think about other things later on. I don't think I managed to get far, but when I did get away from him, all I could think about was how hurt I was that he was so angry at me and that I could have, should have done better by him. And I cried and cried. Sound familiar? It does to me.
Please Dad, don't be angry. I've got enough anger for all of us. It's so toxic and it will hurt you and I don't want you to be hurt. You need to be well until we can be together again. I know you've always supported my decision to be here and do what I think is best, even though you didn't agree. I'm so grateful for that. I know you are sitting there, watching my mess of a life unfold in just the way you predicted (to yourself) all those years ago when you found out that I wanted to be with him. I know you are disappointed that I won't stand up for myself, but it's really not that simple. I can't just up and leave. There are other considerations to be heeded. I'm strong and this situation will not destroy me. It will teach me life lessons. The "beautiful girl" you said you think you are losing is still here, waiting, waiting til the time is right to come home. And when I do, I'll be more of me than I ever thought possible. So please don't worry for me. I'm OK and I will see you at the end of the year.
I know my family are angry at me, it seems that everyone is. But I need to do what I think is best for my children, in my situation. For a very long time, I found it difficult to make my own decisions, often letting myself get swayed by someone else's opinion or I'd just go along with whatever J wanted. Now in this situation, knowing all that I know about myself and my situation and the kind of person J really is (ie not always the 'bastard' I make him out to be), I find that J and I are the only ones who can really make the decision together. And we did. Even though I yearn to be home, I know this is the best thing for my kids at the moment. Nothing is going to have more influence on our kids than we are. And I know right now, both my children need their father and their mother and they need each other. That's the entire basis for my decision to stay here.
And when I think about it like that, I feel good about myself and my decision.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Just listen to him.
This weekend was Old Souls Day, a day where the Chinese honour their ancestors with a visit to the cemetery to offer prayers, food, burn joss sticks and the like. Though J and his family follow this important ritual, I've never been because he's always said it's not necessary, it's very hot and there's no need for me to go. They converge at the family home and then visit the cemetery together. This year, though, J said he didn't feel like going at all.
On Sunday though, I woke at 7.00 am to a soft knock on my door. It wasn't the kids, they never knock. It was J, telling me he'd decided to go to his family's house after all, then said he'd like to take the kids and asked if I wanted to come. I didn't want to say no, so I said yes, I'll come with you. I wanted him to be able to take the kids to this event. They're old enough now, they can take the heat a little better. They should know their history.
It was a risky decision for J to make. Even though I've settled down and told him of my 'positive plan', he still doesn't know whether something he does or says will 'set me off'. I can appreciate that and so I was serious when I thought to myself "I have to make this a positive day for him and the kids".
So we went and the day passed uneventfully. Then back home, he took another risk and told me this:
"The thing that upset me the most when we were together was that you would push and push and push (his buttons), like you were really trying to get a reaction out of me and then when you got the reaction you wanted, you'd get angry and say "see, see what a bastard you are, see how you treat me..." Is this true? Did I really do that? Probably, it does sound familiar, though I wouldn't be sitting there plotting how many annoying things I'm going to do to get him angry. Nevertheless, I probably still did it. He says I did.
Now, normally I would have gotten all defensive and said things like "but I never meant to do that" or "I didn't realise that that was what I was doing" or even "it's so unfair of you to feel that way, you shouldn't be feeling that way" and again, gotten annoyed and angry, because that's what we over-sensitive, defensive people do. But in the spirit of the new positive, 'let-it-go' state of mind, I just listened to him, trying to understand how he felt in the relationship, letting him say what he needed to say. Even if I never get to say to him what I 'want' to say, I'm just going to let him talk, to get it out because let me tell you, he didn't feel good. And I know better than most how toxic it is to keep that stuff inside of you.
So he said what he said, I didn't counter any of it, choosing instead to remind him of the person he used to be - gentle, kind, determined, driven, smart, confident and stable.
After that, well, nothing really. I didn't make it it into an issue, I'm not going to put forward my point of view or my thoughts. I'm not going to bring up what he said at a later date. I don't need to tell him any of those things. I'm just going to shut-up, listen if he wants to talk and get on with what I need to do.
Any other path of action will surely lead us down a path where we don't want to go.
It makes the blog a bit of a boring read though, doesn't it. Well, I've had enough of the dramas, the crying, the anguish. I just want to be boring, calm and stable for a while. I'll still write, but I'm not going to whinge. Instead, I'll try to keep it simple and just reflect on what's happening around me. I will have moods, spirals and the like, but if I just get on with it, I'll be better off. If I don't buy into the behaviour, maybe the behaviour will go away.
On Sunday though, I woke at 7.00 am to a soft knock on my door. It wasn't the kids, they never knock. It was J, telling me he'd decided to go to his family's house after all, then said he'd like to take the kids and asked if I wanted to come. I didn't want to say no, so I said yes, I'll come with you. I wanted him to be able to take the kids to this event. They're old enough now, they can take the heat a little better. They should know their history.
It was a risky decision for J to make. Even though I've settled down and told him of my 'positive plan', he still doesn't know whether something he does or says will 'set me off'. I can appreciate that and so I was serious when I thought to myself "I have to make this a positive day for him and the kids".
So we went and the day passed uneventfully. Then back home, he took another risk and told me this:
"The thing that upset me the most when we were together was that you would push and push and push (his buttons), like you were really trying to get a reaction out of me and then when you got the reaction you wanted, you'd get angry and say "see, see what a bastard you are, see how you treat me..." Is this true? Did I really do that? Probably, it does sound familiar, though I wouldn't be sitting there plotting how many annoying things I'm going to do to get him angry. Nevertheless, I probably still did it. He says I did.
Now, normally I would have gotten all defensive and said things like "but I never meant to do that" or "I didn't realise that that was what I was doing" or even "it's so unfair of you to feel that way, you shouldn't be feeling that way" and again, gotten annoyed and angry, because that's what we over-sensitive, defensive people do. But in the spirit of the new positive, 'let-it-go' state of mind, I just listened to him, trying to understand how he felt in the relationship, letting him say what he needed to say. Even if I never get to say to him what I 'want' to say, I'm just going to let him talk, to get it out because let me tell you, he didn't feel good. And I know better than most how toxic it is to keep that stuff inside of you.
So he said what he said, I didn't counter any of it, choosing instead to remind him of the person he used to be - gentle, kind, determined, driven, smart, confident and stable.
After that, well, nothing really. I didn't make it it into an issue, I'm not going to put forward my point of view or my thoughts. I'm not going to bring up what he said at a later date. I don't need to tell him any of those things. I'm just going to shut-up, listen if he wants to talk and get on with what I need to do.
Any other path of action will surely lead us down a path where we don't want to go.
It makes the blog a bit of a boring read though, doesn't it. Well, I've had enough of the dramas, the crying, the anguish. I just want to be boring, calm and stable for a while. I'll still write, but I'm not going to whinge. Instead, I'll try to keep it simple and just reflect on what's happening around me. I will have moods, spirals and the like, but if I just get on with it, I'll be better off. If I don't buy into the behaviour, maybe the behaviour will go away.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Done
I'm done. I've had enough of myself. I'm tired (again) of being negative and miserable. My kids, J (ex) and I deserve better than this. It's time to change and be positive. No more whinging about 'the situation', no more blaming, no more shitty thoughts about hurting and hating.
Just focus on what I can do to make our lives more pleasant. We don't need to be sucked into that world. No more. Nobody can survive such a negative world and not come out scarred.
I worked hard to be positive and I've lost some of that. I worked hard for it and I want it back, now.
I want my kids to be happy and believe it or not, I want J (ex) to be happy. I'm calling him J now because he's more than just some dumb label I've assigned him. He's my children's father and he's a good person, a good father. He tried with me. Tried and tried and tried again. And he still tries. Not to say he doesn't have his faults, but I'm going to concentrate on our positive traits. No more whinging.
My life is a saga no more. It is my life and I'm going to be happy in it. J or not, in Malaysia or Australia. I owe it to my children to show them that being happy and positive is indeed up to them.
:)
Just focus on what I can do to make our lives more pleasant. We don't need to be sucked into that world. No more. Nobody can survive such a negative world and not come out scarred.
I worked hard to be positive and I've lost some of that. I worked hard for it and I want it back, now.
I want my kids to be happy and believe it or not, I want J (ex) to be happy. I'm calling him J now because he's more than just some dumb label I've assigned him. He's my children's father and he's a good person, a good father. He tried with me. Tried and tried and tried again. And he still tries. Not to say he doesn't have his faults, but I'm going to concentrate on our positive traits. No more whinging.
My life is a saga no more. It is my life and I'm going to be happy in it. J or not, in Malaysia or Australia. I owe it to my children to show them that being happy and positive is indeed up to them.
:)
Friday, April 3, 2009
running thoughts.
To cope with the avalanche of feelings that have now engulfed me I have decided to take the only sensible measure left - I must exercise. I want to run and shout, stomp. I don't know if I have the right to be angry or not. I'm confused and miserable, but I don't want him to know about it and I don't want to talk to him.
So today, I ran on the treadmill. Oh well, walked really, because I'm very unfit. Exercise and medication are supposed to be the best combination to treat mental-heads like myself and it's the only combination I haven't persisted with. So I will run. Trouble is though, the gym I go to is really crap and the treadmill is small, barely wide enough to accommodate my size 9 feet. so running on it is a bit risky.
Melba wrote about karma today. Perhaps this is my karma - all those awful thoughts about him, all the anger - maybe I deserved this, that it happened to teach me something. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe in life, I'm one of those people who need to learn the hard way. Fuck.
So today, I ran on the treadmill. Oh well, walked really, because I'm very unfit. Exercise and medication are supposed to be the best combination to treat mental-heads like myself and it's the only combination I haven't persisted with. So I will run. Trouble is though, the gym I go to is really crap and the treadmill is small, barely wide enough to accommodate my size 9 feet. so running on it is a bit risky.
Melba wrote about karma today. Perhaps this is my karma - all those awful thoughts about him, all the anger - maybe I deserved this, that it happened to teach me something. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe in life, I'm one of those people who need to learn the hard way. Fuck.
Still here
I'm still here, though I've gone rather numb. Well, I was numb, wondering where all my fucking emotions had gone, for the first four days after ex had revealed that he's read ALL of my very private, not-meant-for-his-eyes journal here. I can't bear to look at him, bear to be in the same room and have to really fight myself to acknowledge him. I must be angry, I just don't feel it yet.
The anger has presented itself in dreams though, as every night since, I've dreamt of the 'big fight' that would have ensued, had I started shouting at him or telling him he was wrong to read my journal. I didn't do either of those things, so I guess it's got to happen somewhere. At the time, I just sat down and panicked, with the words, "this is it, this is the end of it all" going through my mind.
I'm in limbo at the moment, still struggling with all of this, not knowing what to say and not even knowing what to write about it. I've cooked and taken care of the kids, though they are not getting the mummy they deserve. And my students are not getting the teacher they need. i guess I'll get through it though, it's just another thing to let go by.
I'm wary of letting my emotions make my decisions for me. The kids are still stable and happy and enjoying their father's presence. That's what matters, that's why I'm here. I must let this matter lie and look to the future. I can use this to make myself stronger, to learn to cope with tough situations when I'm feeling vulnerable. To learn to put my children first, to cope when the going is tough. To show my children that when things are tough, you just keep on going, no matter what - power your way through this, pull yourself up and know that the hard work will pay off. Eventually.
The anger has presented itself in dreams though, as every night since, I've dreamt of the 'big fight' that would have ensued, had I started shouting at him or telling him he was wrong to read my journal. I didn't do either of those things, so I guess it's got to happen somewhere. At the time, I just sat down and panicked, with the words, "this is it, this is the end of it all" going through my mind.
I'm in limbo at the moment, still struggling with all of this, not knowing what to say and not even knowing what to write about it. I've cooked and taken care of the kids, though they are not getting the mummy they deserve. And my students are not getting the teacher they need. i guess I'll get through it though, it's just another thing to let go by.
I'm wary of letting my emotions make my decisions for me. The kids are still stable and happy and enjoying their father's presence. That's what matters, that's why I'm here. I must let this matter lie and look to the future. I can use this to make myself stronger, to learn to cope with tough situations when I'm feeling vulnerable. To learn to put my children first, to cope when the going is tough. To show my children that when things are tough, you just keep on going, no matter what - power your way through this, pull yourself up and know that the hard work will pay off. Eventually.
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