The day started with a walk by the river with friends - all two of them. By 9am, we were hot and sweaty, even though we'd walked most of the way in the shade. Back at our cars, we had to fight off the temptation to go and have 'roti canai' for breakfast in a kampung (village) 10 minutes away. Too many calories.
Back at home, I had my favourite breakfast - fruit, then wholemeal bread with good quality, sugarless jam and a cup of tea - all while reading the Age online. Nice way to start the day. After that, still in my sweats, I cleaned the floors, kitchen and then did some more reading and writing for the therapist. Daughter was sick, fever and fatigue. Didn't want her going to school in this hot, hot, humid weather. A student of mine came to class with a temperature on Monday and promptly spent the next 2 days in hospital being rehydrated. No thanks, I'll look after my sick kids myself. Son went off to school with no problems and I went to (finally) pay a visit to the autistic centre. Half the kids were off sick, one had been frightened away by a dark cloud (another story) and one of the teachers had gone to KL for a meeting. So not much to do there. Back home to spend time with my daughter and finish of my reply to the therapist. Daughter and I talked, with some of the conversation touching on what may happen if we move back to Australia.
She asks what she always asks - is Papa coming too, cos I'm not going without Papa? I said I don't know and nobody is making any decisions yet. We will have to see. I never know where to go in these conversations. I don't intentionally bring it up, but nevertheless, it eventually comes up in some context or other.
The rest of the afternoon was spent planning the English class for the nighttime. Theme - thieves and burglars. Sequence the words in a sentence, write a story using the vocab you've learned.
Dinner - atlantic salmon steaks, chips and salad. One of our favourite meals and one of the few times we get to eat potatoes! It was nice.
Class at 8.30. Classroom so hot because of the weather. At least 32 degrees in there, along with 16 kids and two teachers, it became so unbearable, we moved them to the reception area.
10.30 back at home, ex makes milo for supper, kids are showered. Always a good thing.
11.30. Supper finished, time for bed and wait, no sorry, time for allergies (daughter) and a blood nose (son). It was a heavy one, probably brought on by the heat. Took half an hour to stop and now he's sleeping in my bed in case it starts again. I found him once in his own bed, asleep with a blood nose. Poor kid and oh, the smell of blood. I'll never forget that smell.
12.20 So to bed for me now. Must get my mobile phone for my alarm as to sleep in tomorrow would mean I'd have to face my English students in my pyjamas. Not good.
So night all. Almost two weeks and counting - counting what you say? Counting moods and spirals. I haven't had one for two weeks. Life is OK.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Up and up (again)
So, we're on the up again. The therapy has officially started. Basically, her advice to me was that for my own mental health, I should try to leave. Now what surprised me was my reaction - I had an anxiety attack. I couldn't believe it. A trained professional tells me what I already know to be the best way and that's how I react? Well, once I'd gotten over that, I told her what I tell myself every time I'm spiraling. I can't leave and and I can't make arbitrary decisions when I'm feeling fragile. Just don't do it. Even though I'm feeling good, I know I'm not out of the woods yet. It's funny though, when I'm feeling good, I never imagine that I'm going to spiral again. Hmmm.
However, the feeling of being validated has been enough to spur me on. She asked to me really see where the damage is coming from and even if what ex says is true, a good partner would have done things differently. I AM not the only one at fault here and I don't need to believe that all of our problems are because of me. OK, then, lets get on with life.
This morning started with a bout of exercise. I tried jogging and soon found myself to be a panting, sweating mess. I'm so unfit, but if I at least walk, I should get some of it back. My fitness I mean. I was a fairly fit teenager and never really had to work at staying fit. But these days, in my 40's, that's becoming a different story. I do still miss my Pilates classes. Pilates is great for your whole body, especially your back. When we were living in Portsea, I attended a boutique gym with Pilates equipment. The instructor was a ripped young man of 26 with a personable nature and he got me to do Pilates moves I never thought I'd be able to do. I do miss him too, as well as the exercise.
So now it's lunch. My son hates rice and wants mushroom soup instead. I think I'll have a bowl of cereal. My weight has gone up a little so something wholegrain and low fat for me. Ex hasn't been well, so i don't know what he's having. He's in a good mood today so I'll try to reinforce by being 'happy'.
Later I've got one student coming for two hours, then pasta and meatballs for dinner and English class tonight. My three students are going well. The most autistic one is coming out of her shell and participating and looking at me a lot more. She's interacting and smiling which is lovely to see. The little boy is now WRITING letters and I've begun teaching him to read and spell. The older one, who attends regular school in grade one (what a surprise she was for her teachers!) has just achieved all A's on her exams. Her mum is so proud of her, as am I.
So things are looking up. I do wonder how long it will last, but for the time being I'm happy to accept where I am and make the most of it. Have a nice day too all of you.
Man, it's hot here. Bring on the thunderstorms.
However, the feeling of being validated has been enough to spur me on. She asked to me really see where the damage is coming from and even if what ex says is true, a good partner would have done things differently. I AM not the only one at fault here and I don't need to believe that all of our problems are because of me. OK, then, lets get on with life.
This morning started with a bout of exercise. I tried jogging and soon found myself to be a panting, sweating mess. I'm so unfit, but if I at least walk, I should get some of it back. My fitness I mean. I was a fairly fit teenager and never really had to work at staying fit. But these days, in my 40's, that's becoming a different story. I do still miss my Pilates classes. Pilates is great for your whole body, especially your back. When we were living in Portsea, I attended a boutique gym with Pilates equipment. The instructor was a ripped young man of 26 with a personable nature and he got me to do Pilates moves I never thought I'd be able to do. I do miss him too, as well as the exercise.
So now it's lunch. My son hates rice and wants mushroom soup instead. I think I'll have a bowl of cereal. My weight has gone up a little so something wholegrain and low fat for me. Ex hasn't been well, so i don't know what he's having. He's in a good mood today so I'll try to reinforce by being 'happy'.
Later I've got one student coming for two hours, then pasta and meatballs for dinner and English class tonight. My three students are going well. The most autistic one is coming out of her shell and participating and looking at me a lot more. She's interacting and smiling which is lovely to see. The little boy is now WRITING letters and I've begun teaching him to read and spell. The older one, who attends regular school in grade one (what a surprise she was for her teachers!) has just achieved all A's on her exams. Her mum is so proud of her, as am I.
So things are looking up. I do wonder how long it will last, but for the time being I'm happy to accept where I am and make the most of it. Have a nice day too all of you.
Man, it's hot here. Bring on the thunderstorms.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
coming to terms
I'm gonna look back one day and know I tried absolutely everything I knew to keep my family together. Ex wouldn't agree, but I'm beyond caring about what he thinks now. I know I tried and now I have to try to move on with my own life. I know I've said that before and been unable to do it. I don't think I'll truly move on until I'm away from him, back home. It's hard to get him out of my system because I DO have good memories of him and to accept that he has moved on is just. too. hard. And I don't want a life here. I want a life back home, with my kids, with my family. I DID NOT sign up for a life here. But then again, maybe I did when I agreed to come here in the first place.
Coming to terms with what has happened in our lives is really difficult. I never would have predicted that my life would turn out this way - that our relationship would end so horribly. I'm sure he didn't either. I often think, why can't we fix it? But we're not machines, we're people with emotions, biases, baggage and lots of other shit. It can't be done.
Ex came back yesterday from Indonesia. That's where he goes. That's where she is (I think). He says he also does business there. He'd told me about that when he called and I, absent-mindedly, asked him why he had to stay another night - and he told me he had a business meeting the next day. After he left, it took me a day to quell the storm of feelings inside. He'd asked me before he left, would I be OK? What was I supposed to say? No, I'm not OK, because I've tried so hard and now you hate me and want to be with someone else! And what kind of a father are you anyway, when you stay in your room all day and then go away for a week. Just leave us alone!
Of course I didn't say all that. I just said yep. No choice there. What was he going to do? Not go? I don't think so. I hate it when he asks me questions when there is no choice. I want to push his buttons next time and say no, I'm not OK. I won't.
I've signed up for some online counselling sessions with a therapist from Geelong. I need it, I need help. I hope she can help me because I can't do it alone anymore. I have to make sure I try to give her both sides, if I can, so that she can understand how to help me better. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.
I've stopped going to the autistic centre for the moment because I just can't face them. They think I'm competent and strong, I guess I don't want to disappoint them. I'm devoid of ideas right now and that's what I'm supposed to do for them, guide their program with my brilliant educated ideas. I'll go see them at the end of the week though, just to check in. I'm still teaching English at night, still having my students during the day. I still go out with my friends occasionally, but most of my life takes place in this house here. I've been spending a lot of time in my room. I just don't want to go out and be a part of Malaysian life, but I'm hoping counselling can help with that one.
I did take the kids for a walk this morning. They'd finished their homework last night so had the morning free, so we went down by the river. Walking along there was nice, it was mid-morning, not too hot, but then suddenly I realised how vulnerable and alone we were, so we finished the walk quickly, with the kids being totally unaware of what I was thinking. I didn't want to panic them and of course, just because I felt vulnerable, doesn't mean we were in any immediate danger. I don't think we were, but I was mindful of the young malay/indonesian men across the river and it occured to me that if they wanted to, they could have caused trouble. They were across the river, but it got me thinking. If we walk tomorrow, it will be nearby here, where I feel safer.
I still cook, clean and get the washing done. I wish I'd do more, but I don't. I'm tired, so I save my energy for when the kids come home. Then I cook for them, help them, care for them and coach their homework. Then I go to bed or go to my room. It's the place I feel safest. Not that I'm in any danger, I'm not, I just feel more comfortable here.
When the kids are asleep, after their stories and nighttime routine is done, I come to my room to read or write or browse or sleep. Sleep comes fairly easily, thank goodness, cos the last thing I need are sleepless nights. Dreams are few and far between.
Well, time to cook. And distract this rampant mind of mine with a little music. I'm quite mainstream when it comes to music. At the moment I listen to David Cook, of American Idol - 7 fame who has since released an album which I bought from iTunes. It's the only season I've followed, but I'm glad I caught that one. I love it.
Anyway, really time to cook...
Coming to terms with what has happened in our lives is really difficult. I never would have predicted that my life would turn out this way - that our relationship would end so horribly. I'm sure he didn't either. I often think, why can't we fix it? But we're not machines, we're people with emotions, biases, baggage and lots of other shit. It can't be done.
Ex came back yesterday from Indonesia. That's where he goes. That's where she is (I think). He says he also does business there. He'd told me about that when he called and I, absent-mindedly, asked him why he had to stay another night - and he told me he had a business meeting the next day. After he left, it took me a day to quell the storm of feelings inside. He'd asked me before he left, would I be OK? What was I supposed to say? No, I'm not OK, because I've tried so hard and now you hate me and want to be with someone else! And what kind of a father are you anyway, when you stay in your room all day and then go away for a week. Just leave us alone!
Of course I didn't say all that. I just said yep. No choice there. What was he going to do? Not go? I don't think so. I hate it when he asks me questions when there is no choice. I want to push his buttons next time and say no, I'm not OK. I won't.
I've signed up for some online counselling sessions with a therapist from Geelong. I need it, I need help. I hope she can help me because I can't do it alone anymore. I have to make sure I try to give her both sides, if I can, so that she can understand how to help me better. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.
I've stopped going to the autistic centre for the moment because I just can't face them. They think I'm competent and strong, I guess I don't want to disappoint them. I'm devoid of ideas right now and that's what I'm supposed to do for them, guide their program with my brilliant educated ideas. I'll go see them at the end of the week though, just to check in. I'm still teaching English at night, still having my students during the day. I still go out with my friends occasionally, but most of my life takes place in this house here. I've been spending a lot of time in my room. I just don't want to go out and be a part of Malaysian life, but I'm hoping counselling can help with that one.
I did take the kids for a walk this morning. They'd finished their homework last night so had the morning free, so we went down by the river. Walking along there was nice, it was mid-morning, not too hot, but then suddenly I realised how vulnerable and alone we were, so we finished the walk quickly, with the kids being totally unaware of what I was thinking. I didn't want to panic them and of course, just because I felt vulnerable, doesn't mean we were in any immediate danger. I don't think we were, but I was mindful of the young malay/indonesian men across the river and it occured to me that if they wanted to, they could have caused trouble. They were across the river, but it got me thinking. If we walk tomorrow, it will be nearby here, where I feel safer.
I still cook, clean and get the washing done. I wish I'd do more, but I don't. I'm tired, so I save my energy for when the kids come home. Then I cook for them, help them, care for them and coach their homework. Then I go to bed or go to my room. It's the place I feel safest. Not that I'm in any danger, I'm not, I just feel more comfortable here.
When the kids are asleep, after their stories and nighttime routine is done, I come to my room to read or write or browse or sleep. Sleep comes fairly easily, thank goodness, cos the last thing I need are sleepless nights. Dreams are few and far between.
Well, time to cook. And distract this rampant mind of mine with a little music. I'm quite mainstream when it comes to music. At the moment I listen to David Cook, of American Idol - 7 fame who has since released an album which I bought from iTunes. It's the only season I've followed, but I'm glad I caught that one. I love it.
Anyway, really time to cook...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
random thoughts
So here I sit, Sunday afternoon, kids at a friends birthday (first time for my son, ever) and ex still out of town, til tomorrow. I want to tell him not to come back, but I won't and he will (come back). The first two days after he left, I was a bit of a mess, to put it mildly. But now I'm OK.
I took the kids to Malacca for shopping this morning and got back in time to drop them at their friends place for the party. There were no dramas while we were out - we shopped, we ate, we shopped a little more, we left and got home safely. Not bad, given malacca is an hour and a half away. The house is clean, I am comfortable and at ease with myself. I don't need company. I feel stable and solid, though I don't know how long it will last.
A friend emailed me yesterday and told me not to put myself down. She said once it's on paper it becomes more real and you start to believe it. I'd told her in a previous email that I wasn't good enough for ex - I was talking about his point of view, but she's right. I shouldn't say those things about myself. She suggested saying instead, we just weren't right for each other or words to that effect. So I'll say that.
I got photos from home yesterday. Pictures of my niece doing her Debutante Ball thing. She looked stunning, as young girls of 16 are apt to do. She is beautiful. My favourite photo was the one of her with her Dad behind her cheering her on, looking very proud. He looks happy, so does she which makes me happy, cos they've travelled a bit of a rocky road in the not too distant past. I wish I'd been there to see her. I hate missing them growing up.
I'm thinking about signing up for online therapy. I can't get through this by myself and though blogging and friends have helped, the roller coaster I'm on is unsustainable. I need help. I don't know what my breaking point is but I don't really want to go there. It would be messy.
I fit into my smaller clothes now. You think it would make me happy, but while I'm pleased that I can wear clothes that have been hanging in the cupbaord for 3 years, I'm not ecstatic. My sister in law complimented me on the weight loss and then asked, with a happily expectant tone, whether ex had noticed and was he pleased. Who gives a fuck? I rolled my eyes and told her quietly and firmly that ex and I are over and I don't really care what he thinks (though I probably do) and that I am my own person and I don't need him to notice me or the things I do - I was feeling strong that day.
My other sister in law, has had a makeover. She's lost weight, had her hair changed and had some plastic surgery done on her eyes to make 'double eyelids' like we western people have. She's said she's always wanted them done and that her brother and sister have them naturally, but she missed out on that gene. I liked her eyes before. It doesn't matter though, she's still nice, though I hardly see her. Our kids don't get on that well so we don't go there and they don't come here.
Come to think of it, nobody comes here really, save for ex's mum and that's only occasionally. I don't mind though, it's too much stress and I know people feel uncomfortable here.
Ex was supposed to be home today but called from where ever to say he's got business to take care of tomorrow. Whatever. He'll be home and we'll both be back walking on eggshells.
So ho-hum, time to get something to eat.
Cheers
I took the kids to Malacca for shopping this morning and got back in time to drop them at their friends place for the party. There were no dramas while we were out - we shopped, we ate, we shopped a little more, we left and got home safely. Not bad, given malacca is an hour and a half away. The house is clean, I am comfortable and at ease with myself. I don't need company. I feel stable and solid, though I don't know how long it will last.
A friend emailed me yesterday and told me not to put myself down. She said once it's on paper it becomes more real and you start to believe it. I'd told her in a previous email that I wasn't good enough for ex - I was talking about his point of view, but she's right. I shouldn't say those things about myself. She suggested saying instead, we just weren't right for each other or words to that effect. So I'll say that.
I got photos from home yesterday. Pictures of my niece doing her Debutante Ball thing. She looked stunning, as young girls of 16 are apt to do. She is beautiful. My favourite photo was the one of her with her Dad behind her cheering her on, looking very proud. He looks happy, so does she which makes me happy, cos they've travelled a bit of a rocky road in the not too distant past. I wish I'd been there to see her. I hate missing them growing up.
I'm thinking about signing up for online therapy. I can't get through this by myself and though blogging and friends have helped, the roller coaster I'm on is unsustainable. I need help. I don't know what my breaking point is but I don't really want to go there. It would be messy.
I fit into my smaller clothes now. You think it would make me happy, but while I'm pleased that I can wear clothes that have been hanging in the cupbaord for 3 years, I'm not ecstatic. My sister in law complimented me on the weight loss and then asked, with a happily expectant tone, whether ex had noticed and was he pleased. Who gives a fuck? I rolled my eyes and told her quietly and firmly that ex and I are over and I don't really care what he thinks (though I probably do) and that I am my own person and I don't need him to notice me or the things I do - I was feeling strong that day.
My other sister in law, has had a makeover. She's lost weight, had her hair changed and had some plastic surgery done on her eyes to make 'double eyelids' like we western people have. She's said she's always wanted them done and that her brother and sister have them naturally, but she missed out on that gene. I liked her eyes before. It doesn't matter though, she's still nice, though I hardly see her. Our kids don't get on that well so we don't go there and they don't come here.
Come to think of it, nobody comes here really, save for ex's mum and that's only occasionally. I don't mind though, it's too much stress and I know people feel uncomfortable here.
Ex was supposed to be home today but called from where ever to say he's got business to take care of tomorrow. Whatever. He'll be home and we'll both be back walking on eggshells.
So ho-hum, time to get something to eat.
Cheers
Friday, April 17, 2009
Just doing... better
This afternoon was a really harrowing one. I'm glad the kids were at school, not that I said or did much. There's no-one here so it was just me. I've gone from the bottom of the spiral to midway and back again to the bottom. Now I'm at midway - doing OK, no anger but conscious that I'm mentally fragile. If ex walked through the door right now I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. Shameful feelings of mistrust and resentment. You can't be decent to someone when you feel that way about them. And I do, no doubt about it. While I think he's got a brilliant mind, he's a good father and a very generous person, I don't trust him and I resent him for 'keeping us here'. Of course, I'm free to leave whenever I like, but with only one child. So I can't.
However, I did pull myself of my arse and get some things done. My anger was taken out on floors which are now vacuumed and mopped, then I distracted myself by preparing for tonights English class. I want to drop this particular class. My friend has asked me to teach these 11 and 12 year olds creative writing, but they're not interested, they find it difficult, and it's a really hard slog for everyone, me included. And I'm wary of letting her down whenever I meltdown. I want to let it go before she has to let me go.
Lastly, I checked out the qantas specials, fly to Melbourne from Singapore from just $579. The problem is that doesn't include a return trip and the taxes haven't been added. I'm looking at booking my tickets for Christmas soon. So far, Singapore Airlines is the winner. Direct flight to Melb and back (from Singapore) for me and 2 kids for AUD2631 or thereabouts. Not a bad price, considering Malaysian Airlines $600 more and the food stinks. QANTAS is next, with AUD2832, but their safety record hasn't been that great lately, so I don't know. My last trip with QANTAS though was fantastic. Lovely peaceful flight and pretty good food and entertainment. My last option is Jetstar who can take me to Melb, via Darwin for just AUD1995. However, we'd spend 16 hours of travelling each way because of the 4 hour stopover in Darwin (at 4.30 am in the morning) and the price doesn't include luggage and meals.
One good thing, to ex's credit. When I talked about going back home for Christmas the other day, he didn't bat an eyelid. He just said yes, OK, and offered to pay for half the kids tickets. I'm very aware that he could have said no, you're not taking two.
However, I did pull myself of my arse and get some things done. My anger was taken out on floors which are now vacuumed and mopped, then I distracted myself by preparing for tonights English class. I want to drop this particular class. My friend has asked me to teach these 11 and 12 year olds creative writing, but they're not interested, they find it difficult, and it's a really hard slog for everyone, me included. And I'm wary of letting her down whenever I meltdown. I want to let it go before she has to let me go.
Lastly, I checked out the qantas specials, fly to Melbourne from Singapore from just $579. The problem is that doesn't include a return trip and the taxes haven't been added. I'm looking at booking my tickets for Christmas soon. So far, Singapore Airlines is the winner. Direct flight to Melb and back (from Singapore) for me and 2 kids for AUD2631 or thereabouts. Not a bad price, considering Malaysian Airlines $600 more and the food stinks. QANTAS is next, with AUD2832, but their safety record hasn't been that great lately, so I don't know. My last trip with QANTAS though was fantastic. Lovely peaceful flight and pretty good food and entertainment. My last option is Jetstar who can take me to Melb, via Darwin for just AUD1995. However, we'd spend 16 hours of travelling each way because of the 4 hour stopover in Darwin (at 4.30 am in the morning) and the price doesn't include luggage and meals.
One good thing, to ex's credit. When I talked about going back home for Christmas the other day, he didn't bat an eyelid. He just said yes, OK, and offered to pay for half the kids tickets. I'm very aware that he could have said no, you're not taking two.
Sinking... and not.
I don't think I can do this. Stay here I mean. I wonder if I can. I wonder where my breaking point is. I know I said I'd be positive, but this is what I do. Make stupid statements and don't follow through with it. It's what I did with ex. I'll change, I said, but I never did. I'm not changed. I'm still the same dysfunctional, broken person I always was.
Everyday I wake up and think OK, I'll make this a positive day. And I never do. Horrible angry thoughts run through my head and resentment at being trapped here runs though every organ. My heart is sinking and I can't bring it up.
I know the trigger. He is away, living another life with someone else (just for a few days, mind) and I am stuck here, holding the fort and doing the washing, his washing, and cooking and getting the kids to do their homework, everyday and every night and wanting them to go to school in Australia because there, the education is better and my kids won't need to be stressed about beatings and 'memory dictation' and getting homework completed.
I could book tickets today for a sunday flight. Pack a bag, charter a taxi and get the hell out of here. But I know I won't. Too weak. Too angry, I can't make major decisions when I'm feeling like this.
I just need to let it pass. As I finish writing this (2 hours later), I'm already feeling differently. The feelings are not so intense, I have no urge to book tickets and leave. I know this will pass and when ex is back again, I hope I will have pulled myself together so that he doesn't know about the harrowing feelings I've been having. There's just no way I could tell him and anyway, he's no longer interested in how I feel. But I can't afford another meltdown. I just can't.
For now, this is my lot. I have to accept it or risk damaging the family in a way that can't be undone. I need to remind myself again and again and again, just why I am doing this. I just wonder about the effects it will have later, when all of this is past. Will I be stronger, will my kids be OK, will ex change his mind about giving the kids a say in where they want to be and who they want to live with, will I ever dare to have another relationship, will I ever trust my own judgement again? All questions with no answers, questions I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I should be living in the now, the present so that I can take care of the kids and be a good mum to them. I can't be thinking of myself when they are here, so innocent, stuck in a situation over which they have no control.
Ex always said that no matter what, I'd always do just what I wanted and I'd take the family down with me. He says that for me, I am the only one that counts and no -one else matters. I hope I can prove him wrong. But even if I'm stable and strong, just the fact that I want to go back and give the kids the kind of life they deserve, is enough for him to say that I'm just thinking of myself.
If that was true, I wouldn't be here, not in a million years.
Everyday I wake up and think OK, I'll make this a positive day. And I never do. Horrible angry thoughts run through my head and resentment at being trapped here runs though every organ. My heart is sinking and I can't bring it up.
I know the trigger. He is away, living another life with someone else (just for a few days, mind) and I am stuck here, holding the fort and doing the washing, his washing, and cooking and getting the kids to do their homework, everyday and every night and wanting them to go to school in Australia because there, the education is better and my kids won't need to be stressed about beatings and 'memory dictation' and getting homework completed.
I could book tickets today for a sunday flight. Pack a bag, charter a taxi and get the hell out of here. But I know I won't. Too weak. Too angry, I can't make major decisions when I'm feeling like this.
I just need to let it pass. As I finish writing this (2 hours later), I'm already feeling differently. The feelings are not so intense, I have no urge to book tickets and leave. I know this will pass and when ex is back again, I hope I will have pulled myself together so that he doesn't know about the harrowing feelings I've been having. There's just no way I could tell him and anyway, he's no longer interested in how I feel. But I can't afford another meltdown. I just can't.
For now, this is my lot. I have to accept it or risk damaging the family in a way that can't be undone. I need to remind myself again and again and again, just why I am doing this. I just wonder about the effects it will have later, when all of this is past. Will I be stronger, will my kids be OK, will ex change his mind about giving the kids a say in where they want to be and who they want to live with, will I ever dare to have another relationship, will I ever trust my own judgement again? All questions with no answers, questions I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I should be living in the now, the present so that I can take care of the kids and be a good mum to them. I can't be thinking of myself when they are here, so innocent, stuck in a situation over which they have no control.
Ex always said that no matter what, I'd always do just what I wanted and I'd take the family down with me. He says that for me, I am the only one that counts and no -one else matters. I hope I can prove him wrong. But even if I'm stable and strong, just the fact that I want to go back and give the kids the kind of life they deserve, is enough for him to say that I'm just thinking of myself.
If that was true, I wouldn't be here, not in a million years.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
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