As I write this, I can hear thunder rumbling in background accompanied by a few lightening flashes. I love the sound of a storm. For me, there's nothing quite like an amazing thunderstorm that assaults all your senses and makes you realise how insignificant we really are, compared to Mother Nature. It tried to rain today too, but alas, no - just a few drops the size of small plates - that's exaggerating slightly, but they were big. It must be too dry, but it doesn't feel it. The heat is stifling, even the locals are complaining about how hot it is. And the rain just doesn't come. We need it to wash away the dirt and the heat and for us, to clear the drain that runs outside our house. But I know that when it comes, oh the humidity... sweat, sweat and more sweat. However, though storms threaten, it doesn't rain much, which is really quite odd for Malaysia - odd but not unheard of, so don't even think this is about global warming - I hear there's no such thing.
In other Wednesday matters, my darling little student, Feng Ying, said her name for the second time today. It was so soft and quick, I almost missed it, but it was definitely there. She's so cute, this little girl. And we've bonded. In her lovely moments (and she has quite a few 'un-lovely' ones as well), she'll come and sit on my lap facing me, leaning against my chest in a bear hug. When we play the game called "come here" she smiles and looks me right in the eye and jumps into my arms so I can twirl her around as a reward for answering to her name. Nowadays, she sits still for a time, she knows how to use glue (as opposed to smearing it all over her hands) and she's learning to use scissors. She's learned to ask for things by reading the words and symbols for "I want" and can ask for her biscuit and a toy car that she likes to play with. There are so many things she's doing now, that she wasn't doing a year ago. And it's not just me. She goes to 2 other early intervention programs - 1 in Malacca and the other was started by her Aunty, just for her. But it's so great to see her progress, little by little.
Spoke with mum today. Dad's recovering. The doctors removed his kidney, along with a tumour the size of a golf ball. Sounds a bit scary, doesn't it? But he's OK. Mum's being strong. She's good like that. Give her a crisis or something and she's the first one to step up to the plate. She doesn't give herself enough credit. Every day for her is physically painful from the arthritis that she suffers from, yet she still goes on. I remember when we first became aware that she even had arthritis - I felt so helpless, wishing for her that it would go away. But it never did and still hasn't. My mum and I are peas in a pod, so much so, that sometimes I actually feel like I am her. I look at my hands or my legs, and see my mum's hands or legs there, on my body. I know how she's feeling, I can finish her sentences - I just know her. And I know that she's worried about Dad, but she won't show it to him. She'll be thinking about it though, all while she's travelling up and down to see him (one hour each way). I miss her, I wish I was there to help her through this, but I'm not. One of my best recent memories of her was a few years ago when I returned to Melbourne, unbeknownst to her. When I arrived, she was in the street, walking the dog or something and had seen the car pull up. And she ran to greet me - ran people. For her, that's not an easy feat, but she did it. Everything in that moment, told me how much I mean to her and how much she misses me. I'm lucky to have her.
Now to sleep. Tomorrow is another day. I will ring Dad and cheer him up. There's housework and kids to take care of, lunch and dinner to make, students to teach. Life goes on.
G'night.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
To my Dad
Today my Dad goes for his surgery to take out a kidney which has been diagnosed a cancerous. As far as I know, this is all the treatment he will need. No chemo or radiation or anything like that, so really, he's lucky. The doctor's caught it early so we can see this as a blessing - had it not been caught now, who knows what we'd be dealing with in a few years time.
My Dad's a bit nervous, but knows this is the best thing that could happen in the circumstances. As I write this, he would be preparing to go in. So I want him to know that he will be OK, that this is just a little hiccup and that at the end of the year, when we're all together, it will look like nothing at all and we'll be grateful for the time we're getting to spend together.
I love you Dad, be strong and I will call you soon - I don't really care about the cost, so you shouldn't. Be well and dream of your 11 grand-children while the doctors are making you better.
My Dad's a bit nervous, but knows this is the best thing that could happen in the circumstances. As I write this, he would be preparing to go in. So I want him to know that he will be OK, that this is just a little hiccup and that at the end of the year, when we're all together, it will look like nothing at all and we'll be grateful for the time we're getting to spend together.
I love you Dad, be strong and I will call you soon - I don't really care about the cost, so you shouldn't. Be well and dream of your 11 grand-children while the doctors are making you better.
Move on Mummy
Yesterday was good day. It started with our morning walk which was nice. We walked, chatted, daughter ran, I lifted my little weights while walking. It was all good. After it though, daughter and I decided we'd get some fruit for breakfast - mangoes and bananas. However, upon reaching the fruit stall, I realised that I'd lost the 50 ringgit I'd packed into my bum bag. I thought I must have either dropped it when I went to put my keys in my bum bag or I hadn't packed it in the first place. So I was swearing to myself (nothing too serious), with daughter looking on when she said this:
"Mummy, you always tell me that we can't change the past right? So, now, we can't change this. You've lost the 50 ringgit, so you just need to move on, right. Just move on mummy, it's OK."
Me (slightly stunned and amused): "You're right sweetie, let's just go home." At the same time, I was thinking that I should message my friends to see if they'd come across a RM50 note in the car park, but thought of my daughter's words and just let it go. I would just have to be more careful next time.
She's so practical and it's good to know that she listens to the stuff we talk about. No point holding onto the past is there? Noooo - ironic coming from me, someone who's held onto the past with such a tight grip that it's been difficult to let it go, even when I wanted to.
Later that night, when I turned up to teach at my friend's English centre, she asked me if I'd dropped anything that day. Sheepishly I told her that I had in fact, dropped a 50 somewhere during our walk and was now kicking myself because I'd been so careless. As it turned out, they'd found it laying in between the cars and figured that because it wasn't theirs, it must have been mine.
So I got my 50 back and took my lovely friend for supper after our classes, where we talked about all manner of things. It's nice to have friends, isn't it?
"Mummy, you always tell me that we can't change the past right? So, now, we can't change this. You've lost the 50 ringgit, so you just need to move on, right. Just move on mummy, it's OK."
Me (slightly stunned and amused): "You're right sweetie, let's just go home." At the same time, I was thinking that I should message my friends to see if they'd come across a RM50 note in the car park, but thought of my daughter's words and just let it go. I would just have to be more careful next time.
She's so practical and it's good to know that she listens to the stuff we talk about. No point holding onto the past is there? Noooo - ironic coming from me, someone who's held onto the past with such a tight grip that it's been difficult to let it go, even when I wanted to.
Later that night, when I turned up to teach at my friend's English centre, she asked me if I'd dropped anything that day. Sheepishly I told her that I had in fact, dropped a 50 somewhere during our walk and was now kicking myself because I'd been so careless. As it turned out, they'd found it laying in between the cars and figured that because it wasn't theirs, it must have been mine.
So I got my 50 back and took my lovely friend for supper after our classes, where we talked about all manner of things. It's nice to have friends, isn't it?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Let it go...
I'm feeling so much better on this bright and sunny morning which is actually telling me it's going to be a damn hot day today. The sickness is well passed and the house is calm.
Ex and I had a conversation yesterday about how to just let things go. Anger, resentment, awful memories that manage to conjur up all the most negative feelings - how do you let this stuff go. It's an effort and one that we are both making. To be chained to the past because of bad feelings about what happened means never being able to move on from it. We need to make peace with ourselves and each other. He's really trying. Doing the research on what other people do, finding techniques for separating the memory from the emotion and then letting the emotion go. Not easy stuff.
Our minds ask us "why should I have to do this?" and tell us that life is not fair, we shouldn't have to do this, it's the other person's fault. And while that could be true, hanging on to all that just drags us down. So we have to let it go, forgive ourselves and forgive the other. My own mind screams at me sometimes, asking me what's so wrong about having feelings, why can't I be allowed to feel these things. Why do I have to be rational when all I want to is FEEL? Because our feelings can destroy us, that's why. Our 'feelings' cloud our judgment and we make regrettable decisions, they generate toxic chemicals inside that damage us and set us up to be more receptive to disease, heart failure and stroke. Our feelings affect the way we talk and interact with those that love us and we end up treating those people like we hate them. What benefit does hanging on to these feelings give us? There are none. Nothing can be gained from keeping grudges and forever dredging up the past. It only serves to inflate the pain and turn us into victims and ultimately robs us of the control we need to live productive, healthy lives.
So for whatever I thought he did to me I will endeavour to let it go. I've been hanging on to our past, hoping in some way to be proven 'right', going over it and over it again and again, looking for clues to prove that he was responsible for the problems we had. I can twist and spin our past to suit whatever angle I want to take at any given moment. It doesn't help matters. So I just need to...
LET IT GO.
We're both trying to do it. I think it's good that ex is trying too, because sometimes it seems like I'm the only one making an effort - and a huge effort at that. So, good for him. I hope it works for him too, because he's a very hurt person.
The bright sunny morning has changed into a black, stormy evening. I hope it rains. It's been threatening to all afternoon. I predict it will rain around 6m because that's when the kids get out of school.
Ex and I had a conversation yesterday about how to just let things go. Anger, resentment, awful memories that manage to conjur up all the most negative feelings - how do you let this stuff go. It's an effort and one that we are both making. To be chained to the past because of bad feelings about what happened means never being able to move on from it. We need to make peace with ourselves and each other. He's really trying. Doing the research on what other people do, finding techniques for separating the memory from the emotion and then letting the emotion go. Not easy stuff.
Our minds ask us "why should I have to do this?" and tell us that life is not fair, we shouldn't have to do this, it's the other person's fault. And while that could be true, hanging on to all that just drags us down. So we have to let it go, forgive ourselves and forgive the other. My own mind screams at me sometimes, asking me what's so wrong about having feelings, why can't I be allowed to feel these things. Why do I have to be rational when all I want to is FEEL? Because our feelings can destroy us, that's why. Our 'feelings' cloud our judgment and we make regrettable decisions, they generate toxic chemicals inside that damage us and set us up to be more receptive to disease, heart failure and stroke. Our feelings affect the way we talk and interact with those that love us and we end up treating those people like we hate them. What benefit does hanging on to these feelings give us? There are none. Nothing can be gained from keeping grudges and forever dredging up the past. It only serves to inflate the pain and turn us into victims and ultimately robs us of the control we need to live productive, healthy lives.
So for whatever I thought he did to me I will endeavour to let it go. I've been hanging on to our past, hoping in some way to be proven 'right', going over it and over it again and again, looking for clues to prove that he was responsible for the problems we had. I can twist and spin our past to suit whatever angle I want to take at any given moment. It doesn't help matters. So I just need to...
LET IT GO.
We're both trying to do it. I think it's good that ex is trying too, because sometimes it seems like I'm the only one making an effort - and a huge effort at that. So, good for him. I hope it works for him too, because he's a very hurt person.
The bright sunny morning has changed into a black, stormy evening. I hope it rains. It's been threatening to all afternoon. I predict it will rain around 6m because that's when the kids get out of school.
Friday, May 8, 2009
What to write
same shit, different day. It's just so hot here, I can't stand it. I'm in my room most of the time unless I need to do something outside. The poor kids are at school. daughter refused to do sports today because they are playing badminton on the field, in the heat. Are those teachers crazy? Can't they see it's not good to put young kids out in the heat like that. I told her to tell her teacher that her mother does not permit her to take part in sports today.
Ex and I are walking on the usual lot of eggshells. He's trying to keep out of my way and I'm trying to keep out of his. I can't convince him that I don't hate him. He can't convince me that he doesn't hate me. Yesterday though, when he walked into the kitchen, I jumped in fright. It's not a response you can stop and I did it because I was in my own world, cooking away and not expecting anyone to come in. It wasn't about him. Funny he should take it that way when just the other day he was saying that I shouldn't assume that everything was about me. I wish he'd look at himself sometimes.
I've been sick too which doesn't help. My chest, abdominals and shoulders are sore from vomiting violently after contracting some sort of stomach bug. It's funny because way before I was sick, I knew I was going to be sick. It old ex he needed to get dinner and not go out at night. I needed him and I really did. I coulsn't have driven myself to the doctors for the nebuliser treatment I needed after my throat swelled a little after the puking part. They know me well at that doctor's and the doctor is a friend of the family, so when I walked up to the dispensary window and said I.....(breathe)..... need (breathe)... ventolin.... the nurse didn't even hesitate. Of course she would have done this for anyone else too... I'm just glad she did it for me.
By the time I got home, I could hardly stand up so ex had to help me from the car to my room and consequently had to empty the puke bucket everytime I beeped him from my phone. The kids were good too. My son got very concerned, wanting to pat and hug me and insisting I drink lots of water when I got home. I love that boy - he is the light of my life. My daughter showed me compassion and bravery seen in someone much older. When this kind of thing happens and they can see beyond themselves, they show their true light - perhaps it's an indication of who they will be when they are older. I hope so. If it is, they will grow up to be two wonderful human beings.
We're both trying to break the hate cycle. It's really hard. Every tone, look, nuance is taken in the worst way. To him I'm curt and annoying, just being me and to me he is arrogant and dismissive. If we are with other people, we are not that way, but with each other, with all the baggage and horrible stuff that has passed, it is that way . Oh well, just let it go. So hard, but so necessary if we are to see this through with any sort of civility.
Just keep going, let it go and it will pass.
Ex and I are walking on the usual lot of eggshells. He's trying to keep out of my way and I'm trying to keep out of his. I can't convince him that I don't hate him. He can't convince me that he doesn't hate me. Yesterday though, when he walked into the kitchen, I jumped in fright. It's not a response you can stop and I did it because I was in my own world, cooking away and not expecting anyone to come in. It wasn't about him. Funny he should take it that way when just the other day he was saying that I shouldn't assume that everything was about me. I wish he'd look at himself sometimes.
I've been sick too which doesn't help. My chest, abdominals and shoulders are sore from vomiting violently after contracting some sort of stomach bug. It's funny because way before I was sick, I knew I was going to be sick. It old ex he needed to get dinner and not go out at night. I needed him and I really did. I coulsn't have driven myself to the doctors for the nebuliser treatment I needed after my throat swelled a little after the puking part. They know me well at that doctor's and the doctor is a friend of the family, so when I walked up to the dispensary window and said I.....(breathe)..... need (breathe)... ventolin.... the nurse didn't even hesitate. Of course she would have done this for anyone else too... I'm just glad she did it for me.
By the time I got home, I could hardly stand up so ex had to help me from the car to my room and consequently had to empty the puke bucket everytime I beeped him from my phone. The kids were good too. My son got very concerned, wanting to pat and hug me and insisting I drink lots of water when I got home. I love that boy - he is the light of my life. My daughter showed me compassion and bravery seen in someone much older. When this kind of thing happens and they can see beyond themselves, they show their true light - perhaps it's an indication of who they will be when they are older. I hope so. If it is, they will grow up to be two wonderful human beings.
We're both trying to break the hate cycle. It's really hard. Every tone, look, nuance is taken in the worst way. To him I'm curt and annoying, just being me and to me he is arrogant and dismissive. If we are with other people, we are not that way, but with each other, with all the baggage and horrible stuff that has passed, it is that way . Oh well, just let it go. So hard, but so necessary if we are to see this through with any sort of civility.
Just keep going, let it go and it will pass.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The answers are within...
The last time I was feeling really shitty was around mid-April. Since then, I've been making my way back up to 'normal and stable', where I like to be. In a recent post, I said it had been 4 weeks and counting since I'd felt bad - not so I'm afraid. It's only been 16 days. It feels like 4 weeks. However, before that it, would have been mid-march where I was crying, thinking the worst about everything and wanting to leave.
It's gotten better since then, as it always seems to. A few things have changed. I'm trying to be more active - walking 3 times a week in the morning with friends, swimming with the kids on weekends and doing a bit more housework. Ringing my family and friends more often. And of course, not worrying too much about what ex is thinking or doing.
And this week, I'm taking a chance on something. I've written a letter to an old friend, asking him to contact me if he feels inclined. He's still single and according to my mum, who I think has been wanting me to do this for ages, is a lovely guy (and no, he's not gay). I haven't seen him for about 25 years, since I was 14 or so and still oh-so-awkward with boys. It would be nice to catch up with him, see how his life's been. I'm thinking having another friend wouldn't hurt either, if we do getting chatting via email or something.
Got a lovely surprise from my therapist today who seems to think I'm so positive and sorted out that I can already take a break from our sessions. She did a clever thing and without me realising it (until today) tested my convictions by playing devil's advocate. She put up every scenario possible to see how I'd react and of course I reacted strongly, putting up all the reasons I have for staying here and how, even though I want to, I just cannot leave - as I've said in the previous posts. It feels surprisingly good to be validated by a professional.
Her words:
You've come such a long way since your first email/session. You really have.
Everything you said in your most recent reply had strength, determination and validity. Not once did you mention you were doing what you need to do for your ex - you are doing it for you and your children. Like a good loving mother would.
(I hadn't thought about it like this before - I'm doing this for my children - which I knew - and for me - something I didn't know. I'm keeping this commitment I made for me, so that I can look back and know I did everything I knew how so that the kids could enjoy the benefits of having both parents around.)
You have so much to give, haven't you, and your energies are tied up in your devotion to a commitment you feel you should not break. You are indeed stronger than you give yourself credit for at times.
(Devotion to a commitment... hadn't thought about it quite like that either. That's a good way to look at it, kind of like standing up for your convictions, which I didn't ever really think I did. That's gotta be good.)
...you are a very capable individual, a very determined woman and I believe that now I have thrown at you, nearly every possibility of what could or might happen you have processed many possibilities, put them into perspective and thought them through logically. What more can you expect of yourself - especially under strained circumstances. You came up with such positively courageous answers to my questions and comments that there is no doubt that given a crisis, you would manage.
(... determined, logical, courageous - three terms I wouldn't usually use to describe myself, but here they are, in black and white. And... I can't expect much more of myself... good to know - perhaps at times I'm unrealistic of what I can or should be doing. Maybe what I am doing is more than enough...)
talking about back up plans... Dont discard that, always have them in the back of your mind but in doing so, don't let them prevent you from fulfilling the obligation you have decided to stick with. Even that should give you strength - the fact that you can function quite well knowing things are not perfect. As you said, things are also not all that bad.
You will manage a lot better because you have already thought so many things through, already had the devils advocate test your thoughts and you already had the answers - within. They've been brought to the surface with responses which show you are capable of putting them into perspective and dealing with them if required.
Now, this is nice to read/hear about myself. The answers were always there. I HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWERS - I'M RIGHT - I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING. So. good. to. hear. I did know that though, because I've written some of the same stuff in the blog. So, why do I feel better hearing it from her? I've heard it said that we value things more when we pay for them. That could be the reason. Or that because she's a professional, it's got more weight coming from her.
Oh well, I'm not going to over analyse it. But I am pleased. It makes me feel saner and of course my ego is relieved to know finally, that I am doing something right.
Of course, the moods will still happen but it's a small price to pay, knowing that my kids are getting what they need - both parents, which is something deep down, I already knew.
PS. I'm smiling tonight because today, I feel like the smart kid in the class, the one who's passed the test with an A. I'm not bragging but I haven't felt 'smart' for a very long time and damn, it feels good.
It's gotten better since then, as it always seems to. A few things have changed. I'm trying to be more active - walking 3 times a week in the morning with friends, swimming with the kids on weekends and doing a bit more housework. Ringing my family and friends more often. And of course, not worrying too much about what ex is thinking or doing.
And this week, I'm taking a chance on something. I've written a letter to an old friend, asking him to contact me if he feels inclined. He's still single and according to my mum, who I think has been wanting me to do this for ages, is a lovely guy (and no, he's not gay). I haven't seen him for about 25 years, since I was 14 or so and still oh-so-awkward with boys. It would be nice to catch up with him, see how his life's been. I'm thinking having another friend wouldn't hurt either, if we do getting chatting via email or something.
Got a lovely surprise from my therapist today who seems to think I'm so positive and sorted out that I can already take a break from our sessions. She did a clever thing and without me realising it (until today) tested my convictions by playing devil's advocate. She put up every scenario possible to see how I'd react and of course I reacted strongly, putting up all the reasons I have for staying here and how, even though I want to, I just cannot leave - as I've said in the previous posts. It feels surprisingly good to be validated by a professional.
Her words:
You've come such a long way since your first email/session. You really have.
Everything you said in your most recent reply had strength, determination and validity. Not once did you mention you were doing what you need to do for your ex - you are doing it for you and your children. Like a good loving mother would.
(I hadn't thought about it like this before - I'm doing this for my children - which I knew - and for me - something I didn't know. I'm keeping this commitment I made for me, so that I can look back and know I did everything I knew how so that the kids could enjoy the benefits of having both parents around.)
You have so much to give, haven't you, and your energies are tied up in your devotion to a commitment you feel you should not break. You are indeed stronger than you give yourself credit for at times.
(Devotion to a commitment... hadn't thought about it quite like that either. That's a good way to look at it, kind of like standing up for your convictions, which I didn't ever really think I did. That's gotta be good.)
...you are a very capable individual, a very determined woman and I believe that now I have thrown at you, nearly every possibility of what could or might happen you have processed many possibilities, put them into perspective and thought them through logically. What more can you expect of yourself - especially under strained circumstances. You came up with such positively courageous answers to my questions and comments that there is no doubt that given a crisis, you would manage.
(... determined, logical, courageous - three terms I wouldn't usually use to describe myself, but here they are, in black and white. And... I can't expect much more of myself... good to know - perhaps at times I'm unrealistic of what I can or should be doing. Maybe what I am doing is more than enough...)
talking about back up plans... Dont discard that, always have them in the back of your mind but in doing so, don't let them prevent you from fulfilling the obligation you have decided to stick with. Even that should give you strength - the fact that you can function quite well knowing things are not perfect. As you said, things are also not all that bad.
You will manage a lot better because you have already thought so many things through, already had the devils advocate test your thoughts and you already had the answers - within. They've been brought to the surface with responses which show you are capable of putting them into perspective and dealing with them if required.
Now, this is nice to read/hear about myself. The answers were always there. I HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWERS - I'M RIGHT - I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING. So. good. to. hear. I did know that though, because I've written some of the same stuff in the blog. So, why do I feel better hearing it from her? I've heard it said that we value things more when we pay for them. That could be the reason. Or that because she's a professional, it's got more weight coming from her.
Oh well, I'm not going to over analyse it. But I am pleased. It makes me feel saner and of course my ego is relieved to know finally, that I am doing something right.
Of course, the moods will still happen but it's a small price to pay, knowing that my kids are getting what they need - both parents, which is something deep down, I already knew.
PS. I'm smiling tonight because today, I feel like the smart kid in the class, the one who's passed the test with an A. I'm not bragging but I haven't felt 'smart' for a very long time and damn, it feels good.
Friday, May 1, 2009
So, I'm still here...
After 3 messages today enquiring about my whereabouts, I decided I should write today. It's lovely to be missed, I tell you, even if it is in cyberspace.
The week seems to have flown by. On top of all the usual things, mood swings and all, the following were added to my list of things to do:
The therapist:
My writing time has been taken up with writing to her. Not that I mind. It's just that it takes a long time to reply honestly and hence, something has to give. The verdict is not good. She says I should take a break sooner rather than later and that my moods, which are understandable, will not go away if I stay here. I knew that already. When I was in Australia for the long stay, I felt good for the most part. I felt bad about my daughter, but that was the ONLY thing I felt bad about. The rest was all good and I had a wonderful rest. At the end of the year I will do the same thing for 4 weeks instead of 4 months. I am not going home now. I will wait and I will conquer this. There has to be a way, I just haven't found it yet. I do think Eckhart Tolle is on the right track - disassociate from the ego and all that. I will read him again. It's strange, I haven't learned anything from her I didn't already know, with the exception of realising how much my life is guided by the fear I have of what will happen.
That was a major Aha! moment. The therapist asked me if I was afraid of ex. I'm not physically afraid of him, but it occurred to me that I live most of my life here afraid of what will happen in the future. That point, 2.8 years down the track when things will change forever and we will no longer be the family we are now. I'm dreading it, believe it or not. It's scary stuff. Even saying goodbye to ex seems scary. He's been a part of my life for so long, it's hard to imagine it without him. Doesn't that sound crazy? After all you've read about what I think of him here, you must think I'm nuts. But I can't dwell on that.
I must think positive, as many of my good friends tell me. The other thing I learned from her - well, got confirmation for - was that when I left last time for the reasons I did - I was doing the right thing. I know it made my daughter very angry and that later we may fight about it, but I hope she can understand that I needed to be with people who loved me and cared for me. I needed space and time away from a very difficult and emotionally fraught situation. I needed to find out who I was away from this situation and I needed to connect with my family, so that I could come back to her a better and stronger mother. That is what the therapist has told me to do now and she's given those exact reasons as to why I should do it.
But now is not the right time. Money issues aside, we all have commitments. The kids have school and I have my teaching. I can't take the time off because I have committed to these people. And the kids just can't take a month off from school, they'd fall so far behind. It's not like Australia where the curriculum is more open and flexible, these teachers follow textbooks like they're the law and if you miss a day or two or a week, you need to catch up by doing the extra work as homework.
No, it's not possible to come back now. I just need to do better and accept that in this situation, my severe mood swings will be a part of my life. I will take xanax and I will get by and it will pass, like it has every time. It's not my ideal life, but for the moment, it's the only life I have and until I fulfil my part of the agreement, that is not going to change.
In other matters, well, my dad is going to be OK. Yes he is. His doc told him that he has early stage 1 cancer on his kidney. They will remove the kidney and hence the problem. he will be OK. My family delayed telling me because they didn't want to upset me. Years ago, I would have been angry at them for not letting me know right away. Now I am grateful for their thoughtfulness and their strength, saying that I didn't need to come home, that he is going to be OK and that I shouldn't worry. Of course I'm going to worry, but I won't let it melt me down. He needs to know that I'm OK and that I'm coping well - that is how I can help him. So that is what I will do. And when his surgery draws nearer, in two weeks time I think, I will call him to cheer him on and make him laugh with silly stories about my son and the wonderful things my daughter comes out with.
So that's it for now. Weekend is coming. English class tomorrow, then piano for the kids and I must! take them for a haircut and I want to buy the dvd of Australia so I can sit and watch it in the late hours of Sat night and fall asleep in front of the tv, as I'm so fond of doing.
'Night
The week seems to have flown by. On top of all the usual things, mood swings and all, the following were added to my list of things to do:
The therapist:
My writing time has been taken up with writing to her. Not that I mind. It's just that it takes a long time to reply honestly and hence, something has to give. The verdict is not good. She says I should take a break sooner rather than later and that my moods, which are understandable, will not go away if I stay here. I knew that already. When I was in Australia for the long stay, I felt good for the most part. I felt bad about my daughter, but that was the ONLY thing I felt bad about. The rest was all good and I had a wonderful rest. At the end of the year I will do the same thing for 4 weeks instead of 4 months. I am not going home now. I will wait and I will conquer this. There has to be a way, I just haven't found it yet. I do think Eckhart Tolle is on the right track - disassociate from the ego and all that. I will read him again. It's strange, I haven't learned anything from her I didn't already know, with the exception of realising how much my life is guided by the fear I have of what will happen.
That was a major Aha! moment. The therapist asked me if I was afraid of ex. I'm not physically afraid of him, but it occurred to me that I live most of my life here afraid of what will happen in the future. That point, 2.8 years down the track when things will change forever and we will no longer be the family we are now. I'm dreading it, believe it or not. It's scary stuff. Even saying goodbye to ex seems scary. He's been a part of my life for so long, it's hard to imagine it without him. Doesn't that sound crazy? After all you've read about what I think of him here, you must think I'm nuts. But I can't dwell on that.
I must think positive, as many of my good friends tell me. The other thing I learned from her - well, got confirmation for - was that when I left last time for the reasons I did - I was doing the right thing. I know it made my daughter very angry and that later we may fight about it, but I hope she can understand that I needed to be with people who loved me and cared for me. I needed space and time away from a very difficult and emotionally fraught situation. I needed to find out who I was away from this situation and I needed to connect with my family, so that I could come back to her a better and stronger mother. That is what the therapist has told me to do now and she's given those exact reasons as to why I should do it.
But now is not the right time. Money issues aside, we all have commitments. The kids have school and I have my teaching. I can't take the time off because I have committed to these people. And the kids just can't take a month off from school, they'd fall so far behind. It's not like Australia where the curriculum is more open and flexible, these teachers follow textbooks like they're the law and if you miss a day or two or a week, you need to catch up by doing the extra work as homework.
No, it's not possible to come back now. I just need to do better and accept that in this situation, my severe mood swings will be a part of my life. I will take xanax and I will get by and it will pass, like it has every time. It's not my ideal life, but for the moment, it's the only life I have and until I fulfil my part of the agreement, that is not going to change.
In other matters, well, my dad is going to be OK. Yes he is. His doc told him that he has early stage 1 cancer on his kidney. They will remove the kidney and hence the problem. he will be OK. My family delayed telling me because they didn't want to upset me. Years ago, I would have been angry at them for not letting me know right away. Now I am grateful for their thoughtfulness and their strength, saying that I didn't need to come home, that he is going to be OK and that I shouldn't worry. Of course I'm going to worry, but I won't let it melt me down. He needs to know that I'm OK and that I'm coping well - that is how I can help him. So that is what I will do. And when his surgery draws nearer, in two weeks time I think, I will call him to cheer him on and make him laugh with silly stories about my son and the wonderful things my daughter comes out with.
So that's it for now. Weekend is coming. English class tomorrow, then piano for the kids and I must! take them for a haircut and I want to buy the dvd of Australia so I can sit and watch it in the late hours of Sat night and fall asleep in front of the tv, as I'm so fond of doing.
'Night
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