Yesterday was a bit of a mess. Ex has been doing his thing, I've been doing mine and we rarely meet up in the middle, which is a good thing. I only ever ask him about how he's doing in general, because I do care from the point of fact that he is my children's father. It's amicable if not slightly disturbing that we operate in this way.
About 2 weeks ago though, he mentioned that his relative's apartment in Penang is free for some time during the holidays - we've been there before and the results are even - good times 1. disaster 1. I thought is was a nice gesture, him willing to take us all on a holiday and, always the optimist, I was hoping we'd turned a little corner. A day or so later, he mentioned it again, this time with a date and saying that we'd have to complete our holiday before that date. However, I was caught up with a few things and didn't really mention it to him again, but kept thinking that at some stage I'd need to sit down and plan it with him - always a landmind-kind of experience for both of us it seems - you never know if what you're saying is going to set the other person off and then BOOM, everything becomes a train wreck.
Fast forward one and a half weeks later to a few days ago and his mum is with us and the holidays are mentioned again. The holidays start on the 5th of June and neither of us have mentioned Penang again, though I have to the kids a little, asking them if they'd like to visit. It is only at this stage that I realise that on the dates the apartment is free, I have to be around to teach a couple of classes and that it wouldn't be good form to cancel. So I casually mention this - first big mistake and go on with the conversation as though everything was normal, not realising the time bomb I'd just started. He had already been thinking "ok, so you don't want to talk about it, that's fine (not)".
Then last night happened. I'd cooked mediocre fried rice for dinner - and it was - so son decided he needed extra sauce on his - soy sauce, not tomato. The bottle we're using now is not child friendly and so he proceeded to spill it into his dinner, effectively ruining the whole lot. Team that with ex raising his voice about it, then telling me the in's and out's of how children can't handle bottles like this and I shouldn't expect our son to be able to do this, and we have son in tears, a ruined dinner (I'd cooked just enough so there was no more) and the tension level rising exponentially. It wasn't son's fault and I took full responsibility for not asking him to wait while I finished getting something from the kitchen. I said so to ex, using words like "I take full responsibility because... and I don't expect him to be able to handle this bottle but I forgot to tell him to wait for me... etc)" and finished with the words, "now, enough" before giving my son my dinner.
Then I pulled an ex and said I'm going out (calmly though, didn't want to upset the children but did because it's exam week and they want me home) and I did. I went for dinner with my friends K and W and another person who turned up later. I got myself out of the house because I didn't want to be scowling around, thinking about how stupid ex must think I am to expect that my son could pour his own sauce. Arrggghhh, the mind numbing stupidity of it all makes my head spin.
I came back home to ex sitting and watching tv and decided that since he was sitting right there, I'd talk to him about the holidays. I said that I was thinking about taking the kids to KL, however was there anything he'd like to do together instead. It was shortly after this point that I'd realised we were on completely different planets about this issue. I was starting a conversation as if everything was OK and he was coming in from the "you didn't want to talk about it two weeks ago" planet.
RED FLAG.
I knew I was in trouble at this point, knowing I wasn't going to get my point about how we could still work this out and we didn't need to trash the whole two weeks because Penang wasn't viable. At this point I have to say I disappointed myself. After saying that I couldn't cancel my classes, I then offered to do just that, just to show him that my family WAS important to me and that I would go to the ends of the earth to appease him - he'd finished saying that if it were him in my situation he'd work around the family's needs first, but no, when it comes to me, I am locked in to what I want to do and everybody has to work around me.
My mind went full bolt. Raise the sarcasm level... now: NO I NEVER CONSIDER MY FAMILY'S NEEDS. I'M JUST HERE FOR MYSELF AND PEOPLE HAVE TO TIPTOE AROUND ME BECAUSE I'M SO IMPORTANT AND FRAGILE AND DON'T YOU DEAR SUGGEST OTHERWISE BECAUSE THEN I MIGHT THROW A HISSY FIT AND
LEAVE.
I JUST LOVE BEING HERE WITH YOU RAISING OUR FAMILY AND IT'S JUST ME THAT'S IMPORTANT HERE BECAUSE I'M "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE". YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT TO DO.
He didn't accept any of my pathetic, self demeaning offers to make things right with him, but chose, in fact 'to let the matter go and I suggest you do the same'. He followed this by saying he didn't want to (go to Penang) now because of the guilt factor involved. Something about this didn't seem right and I couldn't put my finger on it until this morning, as I was getting milk from fridge for my morning coffee.
Oh, yes, there it is - BY LETTING IT GO, YOU'RE DOING ME A FAVOUR.
Fuck you.
After the 'letting go' comment, he went and showered and I just sat there, contemplating the wreckage, willing myself not to spiral down and wishing I hadn't given him my xanax. He did come back to me after that, with slightly more humanity and say that we really just should let it go, it was for the best. That tonight he needed to get his act together and do some work and "things would probably have ended this way anyway", referring to the fact that we would have eventually decided to go to KL - unbelievable. He said for me to take the kids to KL, he wouldn't mind. I almost don't want to, because of the guilt factor.
It was almost a concession, on his part... almost.
I went to bed after that, meltdown averted but still disturbed. Didn't sleep but tried to let the matter go and was able to get back to normal this morning, even though I'd figured out what was disturbing me.
Crap.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Maybe it's not a good thing and daily minutiae
Yesterday was day 2 on the new medication for ex and I felt sorry for him. I did, I couldn't help it. Taking this kind of medication has it's drawbacks in the side effects it creates and for ex it was muscle twitching and irritation - I didn't experience this at all. He was on edge all day, though controlled it very well. The muscle spasms didn't help and made him sore in the afternoon. He said he'll give it another day, then go back to the doctor's and see what else can be done. Perhaps there's another brand or type that's more suitable.
*
I can't seem to get enough sleep these days. I usually wake up during the night and at some point get back to sleep, but I'm not good in the morning. The 6am wake up feels worse everyday and then I come back home from dropping daughter at school and have to go back to bed. I don't get up again til 10 or so and even then that's an effort. This doesn't feel right to me, as I'm accustomed to getting my day started at about 8.30 or 9. Sleeping til 10 seems like a waste of time.
*
The ironing in piling up like nobody's business. Maybe I need to ask ex to do it. He's rather good in that department. If he was a little less controlling and critical he'd make a very good husband.
*
The kids have exams next week. Daughter is already fretting. She wants to pass and more than that she wants to do well. She's proud to be in the second highest class in her level and wants to stay there for this year, even with all the stress. And the stress is making her behave in ways she might not otherwise. Yesterday, her brother was packing her school books for today (he does it because he can do it without looking at her timetable because he has a good memory for these things) and he was taking his time about it so she yelled at him. Needless to say, she'll be packing her own bag from now on so that she can gain an appreciation of what he was doing for her.
After an episode like this one though, she's all remorse and guilt and comes down on herself really hard, crying and spiraling down because she thinks she's a bad person. I'm trying to teach her that good people make mistakes and we just have to learn from them. We (and particularly her) are not bad people, not by any stretch of the imagination. I really want to stress that to her the last thing she needs is a low self esteem like her mother.
*
Mum seems to be doing well. Now when I talk to her and dad, the sound normal, though mum still sounds a bit down. She has good days and bad days where she's still in pain but nothing like it was before. She's still on medication too, for the infection and the pain, but again, not the cocktail she was taking while I was there.
*
It's time to go and make lunch. Son is having french toast and we are all having won ton mee which is noodles mixed with a brown sauce and served with a little pork, vegie, sour chillies and little won tons served in soup (little dim sim type things). It's a good lunch. Son can't stand noodles so I don't make him eat them. They make him gag.
*
I've been out a fair bit lately, going for supper and coffee and this week we celebrated my friends birthday with American chocolate cake. It was fabulous. So this week, I got to say to ex "I'm staying out late because we're celebrating W's birthday." It was OK, he didn't call me back, but he did go out half an hour after I got home. He's also been going out a lot, during the day and at night, leaving at midnight and coming back in the early hours. I don't dare think about why, but I can't say anything either.
*
I want to come back for the holidays again. Airline prices this year are similar. Emirates now flies from KL to Melbourne but it's much cheaper for me to take the flight from Singapore. I wonder if I should wait for the dollar to stabilise. Hmmm.
Time to go and get back to life. Cheers to all.
*
I can't seem to get enough sleep these days. I usually wake up during the night and at some point get back to sleep, but I'm not good in the morning. The 6am wake up feels worse everyday and then I come back home from dropping daughter at school and have to go back to bed. I don't get up again til 10 or so and even then that's an effort. This doesn't feel right to me, as I'm accustomed to getting my day started at about 8.30 or 9. Sleeping til 10 seems like a waste of time.
*
The ironing in piling up like nobody's business. Maybe I need to ask ex to do it. He's rather good in that department. If he was a little less controlling and critical he'd make a very good husband.
*
The kids have exams next week. Daughter is already fretting. She wants to pass and more than that she wants to do well. She's proud to be in the second highest class in her level and wants to stay there for this year, even with all the stress. And the stress is making her behave in ways she might not otherwise. Yesterday, her brother was packing her school books for today (he does it because he can do it without looking at her timetable because he has a good memory for these things) and he was taking his time about it so she yelled at him. Needless to say, she'll be packing her own bag from now on so that she can gain an appreciation of what he was doing for her.
After an episode like this one though, she's all remorse and guilt and comes down on herself really hard, crying and spiraling down because she thinks she's a bad person. I'm trying to teach her that good people make mistakes and we just have to learn from them. We (and particularly her) are not bad people, not by any stretch of the imagination. I really want to stress that to her the last thing she needs is a low self esteem like her mother.
*
Mum seems to be doing well. Now when I talk to her and dad, the sound normal, though mum still sounds a bit down. She has good days and bad days where she's still in pain but nothing like it was before. She's still on medication too, for the infection and the pain, but again, not the cocktail she was taking while I was there.
*
It's time to go and make lunch. Son is having french toast and we are all having won ton mee which is noodles mixed with a brown sauce and served with a little pork, vegie, sour chillies and little won tons served in soup (little dim sim type things). It's a good lunch. Son can't stand noodles so I don't make him eat them. They make him gag.
*
I've been out a fair bit lately, going for supper and coffee and this week we celebrated my friends birthday with American chocolate cake. It was fabulous. So this week, I got to say to ex "I'm staying out late because we're celebrating W's birthday." It was OK, he didn't call me back, but he did go out half an hour after I got home. He's also been going out a lot, during the day and at night, leaving at midnight and coming back in the early hours. I don't dare think about why, but I can't say anything either.
*
I want to come back for the holidays again. Airline prices this year are similar. Emirates now flies from KL to Melbourne but it's much cheaper for me to take the flight from Singapore. I wonder if I should wait for the dollar to stabilise. Hmmm.
Time to go and get back to life. Cheers to all.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Guess what?
Today I am happy inside, but I feel a bit mean for feeling this way. You see, ex went to see our doctor today, the doctor who knows both sides of our story and has known us for many years. He's a good doctor, an intelligent, generous and compassionate man.
Ex went to get some xanax - I gave him all of mine because I rarely take it and don't like it when I do, but he needed a little more and I reminded him to ask the doctor on his thoughts about ex having acquired ADD. I posted on this a little while ago. After he returned from the doctors, he seemed a little quiet and I asked him what had transpired
Ex said "well, he's given me Sertraline". It took a moment to sink in. Sertraline sounded so familiar and then I realised what the doctor had asked him to try. My jaw dropped and it was all I could do to not smirk at him. I'm so mean. Sertraline is what the doctors here gave me for my depression. And in classic ex form, he said after that - "But I'm not happy about it!" After that he went to his room to research the side effects.
I don't think anyone is happy when they are looking for answers to a problem and get back something completely different (especially people like ex). I could tell he wasn't expecting the doctor to give him an anti-depressant. After months and months of taking things like Piracetam (so called smart drug for concentration), magnesium and calcium (helps negate the side effects of certain substances and is good for overall brain function), 5HTP (a natural mood enhancer) and various other supplements to help fix his brain, he's been prescribed something that I reckon he sees as something only for other people - you know, those of us with 'personality disorders'.
He asked me about side effects and there are a few noticable ones. I told him that on Zoloft (a branded form of sertraline), I would yawn all day, though this decreased when I switched to a generic brand. I also gained weight (10kgs, which I lost the minute I went off it), some people get suicidal, I stopped crying (couldn't actually cry and went without crying for months and months - really unusual for me) but the one that I forgot to tell him about is that it negatively affects your libido - you just don't feel like it and the urge to do the wild thing just disappears! I'm going to drop that one on him tomorrow because it could be significant for him. You also have to be careful about the substances you abuse when you're on this stuff - it doesn't mix well with a lot of things.
So, I don't know how this is going to affect him, whether he'll stay on it or what. But I hope it damn well helps him, because nothing else has. I think at the time of him telling me, I felt a little bit validated (see, it's not me) but that's faded now and I just want it to work. I have to admit though, it didn't really help me much. Two years on this blog and reconnecting with family at home did so much more for me than the two years I spent taking that stuff. But we're all different, so it might work for him.
God knows, he's been depressed for so long, so I do wish him well.
Ex went to get some xanax - I gave him all of mine because I rarely take it and don't like it when I do, but he needed a little more and I reminded him to ask the doctor on his thoughts about ex having acquired ADD. I posted on this a little while ago. After he returned from the doctors, he seemed a little quiet and I asked him what had transpired
Ex said "well, he's given me Sertraline". It took a moment to sink in. Sertraline sounded so familiar and then I realised what the doctor had asked him to try. My jaw dropped and it was all I could do to not smirk at him. I'm so mean. Sertraline is what the doctors here gave me for my depression. And in classic ex form, he said after that - "But I'm not happy about it!" After that he went to his room to research the side effects.
I don't think anyone is happy when they are looking for answers to a problem and get back something completely different (especially people like ex). I could tell he wasn't expecting the doctor to give him an anti-depressant. After months and months of taking things like Piracetam (so called smart drug for concentration), magnesium and calcium (helps negate the side effects of certain substances and is good for overall brain function), 5HTP (a natural mood enhancer) and various other supplements to help fix his brain, he's been prescribed something that I reckon he sees as something only for other people - you know, those of us with 'personality disorders'.
He asked me about side effects and there are a few noticable ones. I told him that on Zoloft (a branded form of sertraline), I would yawn all day, though this decreased when I switched to a generic brand. I also gained weight (10kgs, which I lost the minute I went off it), some people get suicidal, I stopped crying (couldn't actually cry and went without crying for months and months - really unusual for me) but the one that I forgot to tell him about is that it negatively affects your libido - you just don't feel like it and the urge to do the wild thing just disappears! I'm going to drop that one on him tomorrow because it could be significant for him. You also have to be careful about the substances you abuse when you're on this stuff - it doesn't mix well with a lot of things.
So, I don't know how this is going to affect him, whether he'll stay on it or what. But I hope it damn well helps him, because nothing else has. I think at the time of him telling me, I felt a little bit validated (see, it's not me) but that's faded now and I just want it to work. I have to admit though, it didn't really help me much. Two years on this blog and reconnecting with family at home did so much more for me than the two years I spent taking that stuff. But we're all different, so it might work for him.
God knows, he's been depressed for so long, so I do wish him well.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Remaining Questions
Mr S asked some questions, so I thought I'd post the answers. These are questions I frequently ponder and get different answers to, depending on my mood and the general climate within the house. Today, the mood is amicable
1. What are you going to do to change this “door mat” situation without any emotional upheaval?
I know I have to assert myself, but it's difficult because when I do, it's seen as 'rocking the boat', picking a fight, being difficult...so I don't. I just let it ride. I don't feel like I have a choice in this matter. I'll save the 'asserting myself' for when it really matters - when the topic of leaving comes up. I'm going to save all my energies for that one, because I'll need it. Also, if I am calm and accepting (doormat), I can't be seen as making trouble, throwing things back in his face etc. There's less reason for him to think I am unstable - I can't seem to change his overall root perspective so I need to manage my responses to get the best outcome for me in the end.
2. How can you do this before it all occurs again?
I won't do it. Not now, it's not the right time.
3. If something urgent comes up, obviously plans change. What we are all talking about is those irritations to both parties that may / will cause that “dreaded face” to appear. Lord knows we all lived in fear of that face that became so well tuned during those Matriculation years. (joke)
I understand this and I know my face is not pretty when it's angry. You remember those years do you? That was a tough year, for me and those around me. I wish he could accept that at times, when I'm annoyed, that face will make an appearance but it doesn't stay around for long - as opposed to a long time ago.
Just a further thought, what is ex’s equivalent facial expression of that “dreaded face”? I bet there is one and I will also bet that you know it and have not mentioned it to J.
Of course he has a face like this - I think we all do. His is the furrowed brow, tense look that tells me he's stressed just by my being in his vicinity. I've never told him about it because I just accepted that it was part of him and who am I to change people!!!
1. What are you going to do to change this “door mat” situation without any emotional upheaval?
I know I have to assert myself, but it's difficult because when I do, it's seen as 'rocking the boat', picking a fight, being difficult...so I don't. I just let it ride. I don't feel like I have a choice in this matter. I'll save the 'asserting myself' for when it really matters - when the topic of leaving comes up. I'm going to save all my energies for that one, because I'll need it. Also, if I am calm and accepting (doormat), I can't be seen as making trouble, throwing things back in his face etc. There's less reason for him to think I am unstable - I can't seem to change his overall root perspective so I need to manage my responses to get the best outcome for me in the end.
2. How can you do this before it all occurs again?
I won't do it. Not now, it's not the right time.
3. If something urgent comes up, obviously plans change. What we are all talking about is those irritations to both parties that may / will cause that “dreaded face” to appear. Lord knows we all lived in fear of that face that became so well tuned during those Matriculation years. (joke)
I understand this and I know my face is not pretty when it's angry. You remember those years do you? That was a tough year, for me and those around me. I wish he could accept that at times, when I'm annoyed, that face will make an appearance but it doesn't stay around for long - as opposed to a long time ago.
Just a further thought, what is ex’s equivalent facial expression of that “dreaded face”? I bet there is one and I will also bet that you know it and have not mentioned it to J.
Of course he has a face like this - I think we all do. His is the furrowed brow, tense look that tells me he's stressed just by my being in his vicinity. I've never told him about it because I just accepted that it was part of him and who am I to change people!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Two Sides
Well, here we are on the other side of what happened last night. I went to see you today, to talk about it. "Can you explain to me about last night?" I asked. Well, you said, it was just a change of plans and I asked if you could come home. Is there a choice about that? I asked, knowing full well there isn't, or at least I don't feel there is. After some hesitation, you said yes, there is a choice. Because I don't feel like I have a choice, I said. It's like you call me to come home and I have to and I would never do that to you. No there's a choice you assured me. In my mind, I didn't believe him. His next point was that when I came home I gave him 'the face' and that spoiled the fun for him. I shouldn't have been angry. After all, I changed my plans three times (not my fault and he should have let me know that he did have plans in the first placed) and he only changed his once (in the middle of mine...). He hates that face (my face when I'm angry) with a passion. It sends him into a spin, similar to a spiral I guess.
So next time I should accept things for what they are (just a change of plans), graciously and not show him the dreaded 'face'. After all, he does it for me so many times... If I'm out shopping and I change what time I will get home, it's OK. If I go away and visit my mother, it's OK with him. He makes it easy for me - so, so easy, I just don't know why I can't seem to be happy with that.
Hmmmm, sometimes I hate my life.
PS Rational mind agrees with him. Just a change of plans and be nice about it and we can both do taht for each other. Ego mind can't stand it.
So next time I should accept things for what they are (just a change of plans), graciously and not show him the dreaded 'face'. After all, he does it for me so many times... If I'm out shopping and I change what time I will get home, it's OK. If I go away and visit my mother, it's OK with him. He makes it easy for me - so, so easy, I just don't know why I can't seem to be happy with that.
Hmmmm, sometimes I hate my life.
PS Rational mind agrees with him. Just a change of plans and be nice about it and we can both do taht for each other. Ego mind can't stand it.
Wait a minute
Excuse me... but didn't I just call you and ask if you had plans??? I mean, I'm out with friends now and we're having a nice time, and now you're calling me 40 minutes later to ask me when I'll be home? That in itself is a little annoying, but now you're telling me you want me to come back because you've got to go celebrate someone's birthday? How come you didn't remember that 40 minutes ago? And has it dawned on you that I don't have a car tonight - BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO PAY THE FUCKING REGO 3 WEEKS AGO AND I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE TIL IT'S FIXED UP. You forgot didn't you, that I didn't have the car -you admitted as much when I got home, 10 minutes after your first message because suddenly it wasn't fun anymore - knowing you'd be at home just waiting for me to return so you could go do whatever you want. You see it's like this - you want something, you say it, we jump. Get it. You say, we jump. Simple. I want something - I plan, I script what I'm going to say (you make me nervous so I need that), I make sure all of my obligations are met, the house is usually tidy, the kids are dealt with - would want to put too much pressure on you - and then and only then I go. And if I happen to get bad vibes from you, I cancel and miss out. Can you see the work that goes into this?
I couldn't look at you when I got home because although you seemed to think everything was fine, it wasn't. I was seething and afraid to look at you in case I started yelling or something really bad like that. I wanted to pull you up by the collar and ask you whether you really knew what was going on here- whether you could see the hypocrisy in all of this. Do you remember what you said, when I called you and asked whether you had plans? In a very sleepy voice, you said "no go ahead, I'm just about asleep anyway". I smiled because it meant I didn't have to think about your needs and the fact that you sometimes want to go out immediately after me. And yet, 40 minutes later, you're asking me to come home? WTF - that means what the fuck, in case you didn't know. We all don't know some things - I didn't, or had forgotten today that chainsaws are powered by petrol, not electricity. Silly me. Maybe you don't know WTF.
I was seething before - lucky we've got xanax eh? Good stuff that - takes away the want to fucking smack you around the head sometimes. I'm calm now, even as I write this, I can feel the words starting to lose their sting. I am mad at you though. I'm allowed to be mad. You weren't nice to me today and I'm so sick of not even being in control of my own social life. Oh I know,that a bit of an exaggeration, but it feels that way at the moment.
So, I wonder whether you'll let it pass tomorrow, like nothing happened, like I'm nothing. Maybe I should have let you have it before - I mean yelled at you. Maybe, probably not.
Tomorrow I think you should get dinner. Oh and yes, I'm too nice for you. I deserve better.
I couldn't look at you when I got home because although you seemed to think everything was fine, it wasn't. I was seething and afraid to look at you in case I started yelling or something really bad like that. I wanted to pull you up by the collar and ask you whether you really knew what was going on here- whether you could see the hypocrisy in all of this. Do you remember what you said, when I called you and asked whether you had plans? In a very sleepy voice, you said "no go ahead, I'm just about asleep anyway". I smiled because it meant I didn't have to think about your needs and the fact that you sometimes want to go out immediately after me. And yet, 40 minutes later, you're asking me to come home? WTF - that means what the fuck, in case you didn't know. We all don't know some things - I didn't, or had forgotten today that chainsaws are powered by petrol, not electricity. Silly me. Maybe you don't know WTF.
I was seething before - lucky we've got xanax eh? Good stuff that - takes away the want to fucking smack you around the head sometimes. I'm calm now, even as I write this, I can feel the words starting to lose their sting. I am mad at you though. I'm allowed to be mad. You weren't nice to me today and I'm so sick of not even being in control of my own social life. Oh I know,that a bit of an exaggeration, but it feels that way at the moment.
So, I wonder whether you'll let it pass tomorrow, like nothing happened, like I'm nothing. Maybe I should have let you have it before - I mean yelled at you. Maybe, probably not.
Tomorrow I think you should get dinner. Oh and yes, I'm too nice for you. I deserve better.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Levelling Out
My head has finally decided it's time to level out, so there's no more shouting in my brain, which I was finding really quite distracting. It's hard to be pleasant to someone when inside your head your telling him to do god knows what and re-hashing situations and events that happened years ago but this time telling him F-off because I don't want to hear his opinion. I swear, one day we'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and in the middle of it, I'm going to unwittingly tell him to F-off because of something I've been thinking of in my head. Won't that be a pleasant moment - he doesn't like surprises much.
*
I had a dream the other day, the pictures in it are still haunting me a little. I was walking into a stadium or some other huge place, with the bleachers looming over me and the kids. I had the kids on either side of me and we were walking along when I sensed something else huge coming up behind me - like a big tank or something. I knew I had to run or we'd get run over but I took off and forgot the kids. I made a narrow escape into small gap to the side but the kids weren't that lucky. My daughter was injured and my son didn't survive. I woke up sobbing, as you do, and all I could think about was the huge gap in my life where my son was. Reality and relief came back to me a few minutes later when I heard his laughter coming from the lounge room and I've never been so grateful. Of course it's been bothering me ever since about what my sub conscious is trying to tell me.
*
Here's a little snippet for you Mr S. In the time since I was bragging about how much weight I'd lost, I've put on a good 5 kgs. That brings me above 82 and I am NOT happy about it. Of course, I'm not surprised. I've been eating plenty and didn't really care what I ate when I was in Melbourne both times. And I've stopped exercising. Something about it's too hot, too early and I'd rather sleep in. I'm not sleeping well at the moment - I'm conscious and thinking at about 3 or 4 am and then drift in and out of real sleep until 6am when I have to get up. Then when I get back home from dropping daughter at school, it's a choice between going for a walk or having 3 glorious hours of proper sleep. Sleep always wins but I'm going to have to start exercising regular before my body completely jams up because of a lack of it.
*
We went out for lunch as a family the other day. It was the first time since I'd been back. it was OK. Except for the little conversation where ex told me he thinks he has ADD - attention deficit disorder. OMG!!! I wish he'd seek professional help! He keeps looking for answers to why he can't do things like focus on his work and while that is admirable to a certain extent, it's not working - at all. He does things when he absolutely has to, but if he doesn't have to he won't, doesn't want to, can't. In the conversation he mentioned that he can't even force himself to work when things are critical - RED FLAG. Things must be getting critical now or he wouldn't have mentioned it. I reacted as if he were telling me something completely normal - no over-reaction, panic or whatever he expected to happen - it probably helped that we were with the kids in a public place which makes me wonder if he'd meant to tell me there - you know, do it in a public place so that I wouldn't create a scene. Maybe.
Well, if things are critical, it's going to spur me on that have 'that' conversation - the one where I remind where we are in the agreed timeline, that the kids hate school and I shouldn't be the only one who has to know this and by the way, as time goes on, the curriculum at that school is just getting worse - the pressure, the unreasonable standards, not to mention the skills they are not learning - co-operation, research, library skills, art, creativity, the ability to question and discuss a topic and so many more. There are advantages of staying here, certainly, but education is not one of them. And I'm not looking to go home right now, I just want to lay some groundwork.
So, it's back to reality for a while. Time to cook dinner. Fried rice is on the menu tonight. If I'm nice about it, ex might help me cook it up while I lie down and get rid of this hormonal headache that's been dogging me for the last two days.
Cheers to all.
*
I had a dream the other day, the pictures in it are still haunting me a little. I was walking into a stadium or some other huge place, with the bleachers looming over me and the kids. I had the kids on either side of me and we were walking along when I sensed something else huge coming up behind me - like a big tank or something. I knew I had to run or we'd get run over but I took off and forgot the kids. I made a narrow escape into small gap to the side but the kids weren't that lucky. My daughter was injured and my son didn't survive. I woke up sobbing, as you do, and all I could think about was the huge gap in my life where my son was. Reality and relief came back to me a few minutes later when I heard his laughter coming from the lounge room and I've never been so grateful. Of course it's been bothering me ever since about what my sub conscious is trying to tell me.
*
Here's a little snippet for you Mr S. In the time since I was bragging about how much weight I'd lost, I've put on a good 5 kgs. That brings me above 82 and I am NOT happy about it. Of course, I'm not surprised. I've been eating plenty and didn't really care what I ate when I was in Melbourne both times. And I've stopped exercising. Something about it's too hot, too early and I'd rather sleep in. I'm not sleeping well at the moment - I'm conscious and thinking at about 3 or 4 am and then drift in and out of real sleep until 6am when I have to get up. Then when I get back home from dropping daughter at school, it's a choice between going for a walk or having 3 glorious hours of proper sleep. Sleep always wins but I'm going to have to start exercising regular before my body completely jams up because of a lack of it.
*
We went out for lunch as a family the other day. It was the first time since I'd been back. it was OK. Except for the little conversation where ex told me he thinks he has ADD - attention deficit disorder. OMG!!! I wish he'd seek professional help! He keeps looking for answers to why he can't do things like focus on his work and while that is admirable to a certain extent, it's not working - at all. He does things when he absolutely has to, but if he doesn't have to he won't, doesn't want to, can't. In the conversation he mentioned that he can't even force himself to work when things are critical - RED FLAG. Things must be getting critical now or he wouldn't have mentioned it. I reacted as if he were telling me something completely normal - no over-reaction, panic or whatever he expected to happen - it probably helped that we were with the kids in a public place which makes me wonder if he'd meant to tell me there - you know, do it in a public place so that I wouldn't create a scene. Maybe.
Well, if things are critical, it's going to spur me on that have 'that' conversation - the one where I remind where we are in the agreed timeline, that the kids hate school and I shouldn't be the only one who has to know this and by the way, as time goes on, the curriculum at that school is just getting worse - the pressure, the unreasonable standards, not to mention the skills they are not learning - co-operation, research, library skills, art, creativity, the ability to question and discuss a topic and so many more. There are advantages of staying here, certainly, but education is not one of them. And I'm not looking to go home right now, I just want to lay some groundwork.
So, it's back to reality for a while. Time to cook dinner. Fried rice is on the menu tonight. If I'm nice about it, ex might help me cook it up while I lie down and get rid of this hormonal headache that's been dogging me for the last two days.
Cheers to all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)