As mentioned in the previous post, I have to watch my words. Here is what I've heard him say in the last week (and my sarcastic thoughts in italics):
You must get the children to help around the house, or they will never learn (no, no they won't and they will end up like me, terrible).
Woah, woah, watch it, careful. It's alright, don't take it personally, I'm just telling you to be careful. When you lift the back door of a loaded car, you have to watch that things don't fall out.
Really, stupid me, I didn't know THAT...
I'm going to see another doctor, I don't think CB is taking me seriously. Either I've got ADD or Post traumatic stress disorder. (yes, being married to me is equivalent of doing a tour in Afghanistan, you poor thing.)
Me: can you hear that rhythmic sound coming from the back of the car?
Him: YES J. There IS something wrong with the car and I WILL get it fixed.
After we got home, he got the car fixed for another problem (spark plugs not sparking) and the rhythmic noise and a strange grinding sound is still there. I'm waiting for the back end of the car to fall off.
Watch your words I say, just watch them. These also go on my list for "reasons I want to go home tomorrow."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sometimes the way you say something...
The good mood has finally been shattered, apparently due to my own insensitive comment. He was probably at breaking point, having let so many things go in the past couple of weeks. The xanax has helped but couldn't stop this one.
I never mean to say whatever it is that gets him so angry. Why would I? I don't want to rock the boat and so try to keep my thoughts (often negative, I must admit) to myself. But I slipped up this time.
He came to me to ask what the afternoon plans were. Though I'm happy to tell him, my voice is always hesitant and I'm not the strong person you see before you here. I told him what I wanted to do and then asked him why he wanted to know, thinking that I could change something to accommodate whatever it was that he wanted to do, if he wanted to do it. I didn't say that though and that was my mistake. Mildly defensive, he stated that, well, he needed to plan his afternoon too and as he was backing out the door, I said, "Well, sometimes it's the way you say things..." and didn't go any further. He'd actually shut the door at this point but came back and said "I was being sarcastic..." and I whispered "oh...'' and became confused but knowing somehow that somewhere I'd said the wrong thing as per usual.
What followed was a complete over- reaction, in my eyes anyway. Slamming his door, he locked himself in his room and played his music really loud. I followed and knocked saying I wanted to explain, but he refused and said he didn't want to talk. I tried again 10 minutes later but again, he refused. I wanted to say what I didn't say above, thinking if he knew that I was asking with him in mind, he would calm down.
Thinking about it later in the car, I realised that my comment about "sometimes the way you say things" is what probably set him off. There's nothing that I can say now that will seem reasonable. I should have remembered that any negative comment on his behaviour will set him off. If I hear him comment to the kids and I don't like it, I can't say it - because after all I do it too and he never says anything. I want to say that sometimes the way he says things makes it seem like only what I do matters and that he always has to give in to me and give me what I want, lest I meltdown because I'm not getting my way. When if fact I would bend over backwards to be flexible and give him what he wants. I never know how to convey this to him when I'm saying something, though I have told him before. It makes me seem like a spoiled brat, one of those high maintenance demanding people who need to get their way, no matter what. I don't think I am like that, but it's obvious that that is the way he perceives me, so maybe...
Uggh, I've got a stomach ache from being hungry and not being able to eat. The stress has left me weary and I'm treading on egg-shells. If I see him, I'm going to be normal, not angry, moody or stressed. But I won't see him, probably not til after dinner. This level of anger normally means he takes a xanax and goes to sleep. That will be best for both of us. I'm going to lie down and be grateful for what I have and hopefully this will pass. Because on Thursday, we have to go to immigration, pretend we are happily married and spend 4 hours in the car together, by ourselves. I think that will be a xanax day for me.
Another thing added to my list of "reasons I should be going home tomorrow."
I never mean to say whatever it is that gets him so angry. Why would I? I don't want to rock the boat and so try to keep my thoughts (often negative, I must admit) to myself. But I slipped up this time.
He came to me to ask what the afternoon plans were. Though I'm happy to tell him, my voice is always hesitant and I'm not the strong person you see before you here. I told him what I wanted to do and then asked him why he wanted to know, thinking that I could change something to accommodate whatever it was that he wanted to do, if he wanted to do it. I didn't say that though and that was my mistake. Mildly defensive, he stated that, well, he needed to plan his afternoon too and as he was backing out the door, I said, "Well, sometimes it's the way you say things..." and didn't go any further. He'd actually shut the door at this point but came back and said "I was being sarcastic..." and I whispered "oh...'' and became confused but knowing somehow that somewhere I'd said the wrong thing as per usual.
What followed was a complete over- reaction, in my eyes anyway. Slamming his door, he locked himself in his room and played his music really loud. I followed and knocked saying I wanted to explain, but he refused and said he didn't want to talk. I tried again 10 minutes later but again, he refused. I wanted to say what I didn't say above, thinking if he knew that I was asking with him in mind, he would calm down.
Thinking about it later in the car, I realised that my comment about "sometimes the way you say things" is what probably set him off. There's nothing that I can say now that will seem reasonable. I should have remembered that any negative comment on his behaviour will set him off. If I hear him comment to the kids and I don't like it, I can't say it - because after all I do it too and he never says anything. I want to say that sometimes the way he says things makes it seem like only what I do matters and that he always has to give in to me and give me what I want, lest I meltdown because I'm not getting my way. When if fact I would bend over backwards to be flexible and give him what he wants. I never know how to convey this to him when I'm saying something, though I have told him before. It makes me seem like a spoiled brat, one of those high maintenance demanding people who need to get their way, no matter what. I don't think I am like that, but it's obvious that that is the way he perceives me, so maybe...
Uggh, I've got a stomach ache from being hungry and not being able to eat. The stress has left me weary and I'm treading on egg-shells. If I see him, I'm going to be normal, not angry, moody or stressed. But I won't see him, probably not til after dinner. This level of anger normally means he takes a xanax and goes to sleep. That will be best for both of us. I'm going to lie down and be grateful for what I have and hopefully this will pass. Because on Thursday, we have to go to immigration, pretend we are happily married and spend 4 hours in the car together, by ourselves. I think that will be a xanax day for me.
Another thing added to my list of "reasons I should be going home tomorrow."
Life goes on..
Not a day goes by that I don't think about being back home. The desire to be back is getting stronger every day. I'm getting sick of this, really, I've had enough. And I'm not even emotional about it. These are rational thoughts. I'm not angry (well I probably am, it's just being held in check), I'm just tired. Tired of living here, tired of battling against the constant barrage of events that I perceive as negative. I use every little thing that bothers me to remind myself of how I'd rather not be here. From the inconsiderate drivers to the filthy drains and the smell (Malaysia literally stinks), to my lack of language and the borderline-abusive discipline system at school.
And of course there's ex. He's not doing anything wrong. In fact, even though he's off the anti-depressants (did I tell you that?), he's been very positive. He cleaned and ironed and fixed things around the house while we were on holidays and for the first time ever, I heard him use the word 'wonderful' to describe the experience of eating watermelon on a hot, humid afternoon. An emotionally private person, or emotionally flat-line, wonderful is not a word he makes frequent use of. As I said, I've never heard him use it. I'm probably being unfair to him - he did shed tears when the children were born and in private, he is an affectionate person. But he's not big on the positive words - there's no gushing, no extreme highs (unless he's on something).
But I digress. I want to be home and away from him. I want to move forward and be able to create my own life because it's what I actually want. The life I've created here has been done out of necessity. It's still a pretty good life and that fact doesn't diminish the importance of the friendships I've formed here. I love my friends and the children I work with and I will miss them dearly when I'm not here. Indeed, I feel more 'elevated' here because of what I do and the fact that I'm the only person doing it. Back home, I blend - I am one of many both in terms of vocation and looks. I'm not bragging, it's fact. I am the only white female who lives here and people recognise me instantly just from that. Here, I'm unique in what I do and it does make me feel good, but it doesn't make me want to stay.
And of course there's ex. He's not doing anything wrong. In fact, even though he's off the anti-depressants (did I tell you that?), he's been very positive. He cleaned and ironed and fixed things around the house while we were on holidays and for the first time ever, I heard him use the word 'wonderful' to describe the experience of eating watermelon on a hot, humid afternoon. An emotionally private person, or emotionally flat-line, wonderful is not a word he makes frequent use of. As I said, I've never heard him use it. I'm probably being unfair to him - he did shed tears when the children were born and in private, he is an affectionate person. But he's not big on the positive words - there's no gushing, no extreme highs (unless he's on something).
But I digress. I want to be home and away from him. I want to move forward and be able to create my own life because it's what I actually want. The life I've created here has been done out of necessity. It's still a pretty good life and that fact doesn't diminish the importance of the friendships I've formed here. I love my friends and the children I work with and I will miss them dearly when I'm not here. Indeed, I feel more 'elevated' here because of what I do and the fact that I'm the only person doing it. Back home, I blend - I am one of many both in terms of vocation and looks. I'm not bragging, it's fact. I am the only white female who lives here and people recognise me instantly just from that. Here, I'm unique in what I do and it does make me feel good, but it doesn't make me want to stay.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
holiday times in KL
It's very clean here, and uncluttered. We're at the designer suite of ex's Aunty. Unlike my own house, everything has a place. ALL the plastic containers have a corresponding lid and none of them are missing. There's every appliance you could ever need to make any number of dishes and the whole place has that 'hotel' feel to it. The tv, enormous as it is, provides a cinematic type experience and has been wonderful for viewing the FIFA world cup - not that I'm watching, but Aunty YC is. In fact, she's really quite into it, which is rather surprising as she's well into her fifties, works in finance and doesn't do any sport beyond the odd yoga class.
Yesterday, ex's cousin took the time to pick us up and bring us out to a different shopping mall than the one we are used to. It was good, the highlight being the LEGO shop and the centre show featuring some Toy Story characters. My son is into LEGO at the moment, thanks to a Christmas present from my mum last year of a Spongebob Squarepants LEGO set. My son loves it and I would buy him more except that it's so expensive here. Really, one box of 200+ pieces is over 200 Ringgit and if there's any branding involved (Toy Story etc) the price immediately doubles. So to build a house or something from Toy Story would cost RM$400+. Ridiculous.
Back in the afternoon, we proceeded to go swimming with the kids' cousins who were using the apartment because their home had no electricity. It was fun, the pool here is really nice and big and the kids love it. Later, we met up with ex's brother, his wife and Aunty YC to go for dinner at an open air restaurant. The food was delcious, as usual. Whenever they take us for dinner the food is always really good. The area that the restaurant was in was a little dingy and there weren't many tourists around but the place was busy (always a good sign of good food). Ex's brother is always an excellent host when we are down, as is his aunty, but we've got to make sure we don't stress them, otherwise it's pleasant for no-one. And by that I mean making sure we clean up after ourselves and don't make too much noise.
The Aunty was different this time though. Last time I felt quite comfortable and we had some good chats, but this time, not so much. There was lots of one way conversations (me talking) and I'm really bad at small talk - I hate it and I'm not good at it, so often I don't end up saying anything which some people can take as being rude. But I did get the feeling this time that she would have preferred us not to be there. She has a lot of stress with her job so it's probably that and nothing more. She didn't invite us back like she did last time though. Hmmm. The kids keep asking me if we're coming back next year. Probably not. I don't want to be someone other people tolerate.
As I'm writing this two days after I started, I am no longer relaxed. We are now at ex's brother's place and he is ex to the power of 10, though without the personal connection. I'm getting a mild flu and am very conscious that I might pass it around. I want to go home. I don't want to trouble anyone any longer as that's what it's beginning to feel like. I feel like we are in the way, which may or may not be true, just my perception of things. Ex is coming today to pick us up, but I can't expect him to just turn around and go home. After a three hour drive he'll need dinner and a good rest as the drive home will be long and dark. So we will be home tonight and in the meantime I need to be polite and not too much trouble.
Cheers
The Aunty was different this time though. Last time I felt quite comfortable and we had some good chats, but this time, not so much. There was lots of one way conversations (me talking) and I'm really bad at small talk - I hate it and I'm not good at it, so often I don't end up saying anything which some people can take as being rude. But I did get the feeling this time that she would have preferred us not to be there. She has a lot of stress with her job so it's probably that and nothing more. She didn't invite us back like she did last time though. Hmmm. The kids keep asking me if we're coming back next year. Probably not. I don't want to be someone other people tolerate.
As I'm writing this two days after I started, I am no longer relaxed. We are now at ex's brother's place and he is ex to the power of 10, though without the personal connection. I'm getting a mild flu and am very conscious that I might pass it around. I want to go home. I don't want to trouble anyone any longer as that's what it's beginning to feel like. I feel like we are in the way, which may or may not be true, just my perception of things. Ex is coming today to pick us up, but I can't expect him to just turn around and go home. After a three hour drive he'll need dinner and a good rest as the drive home will be long and dark. So we will be home tonight and in the meantime I need to be polite and not too much trouble.
Cheers
Friday, June 11, 2010
Not a complete bastard
He's not a complete bastard, even though by now, you probably think he is. He did spend a lot of time on it and I was grateful - for him rewiring the modem that is. If we ever have a technical problem, as you do, ex fixes it. And he never takes the easy way out. We could have just bought another wireless router after the one we had was accidently bumped to the floor, but money is tight so he rewired the aerial. When I wasn't getting a good signal, he did it again but with a longer cable so that the aerial is now hanging closer to my room from the lantern in the hallway - about 5 metres away. It took him quite a while to do that and when I still wasn't getting a good signal, he experimented by moving my speakers away, then moving them back again to see if it improved, getting me to clean the dust off the air vents on the cpu. Then, he moved my table 20 centimetres forward, away from the wall. And woo-hoo, the signal improved by 50% and I can now browse at a decent speed, watch my beloved Adam Lambert in concert on Youtube (currently performing his GLAM NATION tour) and do all manner of things on the internet - banking, ticket hunting etc, etc.
It was my bloody table, blocking the signal as it were. I never would have thought to move the table out and away from my wireless receiver. He did. I wish I had, but I'm completely grateful for his pedantic side because it allows him to be very thorough and a really good problem solver. I hope this spills into other areas of his life right now. He looked stressed today and admitted that yes, he has a lot on his mind at the moment. The last time he said that, his best friend had dumped him.
I think this time though it has to do with his work. He's doing / finishing a site for someone. I just hope that it's new work, not old work that he's already been paid for.
Tomorrow though, he has to take the day off and drive us to KL, where he'll drop us at his aunty's condo and then go and attend to some business and then drive home from there. We'll be staying for about 5 days. It's the same holiday we had last year and it's as much for me as for the kids. The kids are really excited and for me, I'm just happy to be away for a while.
*
Today ex's mum called around with the two nephews from KL to say goodbye. The helper was with them. I like his mum but today she really annoyed me. That poor helper (she's from Cambodia) couldn't do anything right by her. I was sitting there and wondering why my stress levels were going up - I could feel myself getting annoyed and she wasn't even talking to me. But there it was - almost to the letter, she sounded like ex - but 10 times that. Now I know where he gets his "gotta tell people what they should be doing and how they should be doing it" attitude. While she was in this mode, I happened to mention that I'd like to get a new oven because the timer on mine is broken, as is the handle and the fact that it's pretty small and she told me not to be wasteful, that I didn't need to buy a new one because I could just use an outside timer - which I could I guess. It's just the way she says it that I find annoying - like I can't make a decision on my own and need her input - it's insulting - to me anyway. Another person might not take it that way. I'll never forget when I was ironing once and she came in and said "oh, I haven't shown you how to iron pants properly yet, have I" - like anyone else's (mine) way wasn't any good.Sheesh.
OK, I'll stop complaining now. She's a nice lady and she's been good to me, just that today, her attitude hit a raw nerve and I walked out of the room thinking to myself that there was no doubt about where he got his people skills from.
Cheers
It was my bloody table, blocking the signal as it were. I never would have thought to move the table out and away from my wireless receiver. He did. I wish I had, but I'm completely grateful for his pedantic side because it allows him to be very thorough and a really good problem solver. I hope this spills into other areas of his life right now. He looked stressed today and admitted that yes, he has a lot on his mind at the moment. The last time he said that, his best friend had dumped him.
I think this time though it has to do with his work. He's doing / finishing a site for someone. I just hope that it's new work, not old work that he's already been paid for.
Tomorrow though, he has to take the day off and drive us to KL, where he'll drop us at his aunty's condo and then go and attend to some business and then drive home from there. We'll be staying for about 5 days. It's the same holiday we had last year and it's as much for me as for the kids. The kids are really excited and for me, I'm just happy to be away for a while.
*
Today ex's mum called around with the two nephews from KL to say goodbye. The helper was with them. I like his mum but today she really annoyed me. That poor helper (she's from Cambodia) couldn't do anything right by her. I was sitting there and wondering why my stress levels were going up - I could feel myself getting annoyed and she wasn't even talking to me. But there it was - almost to the letter, she sounded like ex - but 10 times that. Now I know where he gets his "gotta tell people what they should be doing and how they should be doing it" attitude. While she was in this mode, I happened to mention that I'd like to get a new oven because the timer on mine is broken, as is the handle and the fact that it's pretty small and she told me not to be wasteful, that I didn't need to buy a new one because I could just use an outside timer - which I could I guess. It's just the way she says it that I find annoying - like I can't make a decision on my own and need her input - it's insulting - to me anyway. Another person might not take it that way. I'll never forget when I was ironing once and she came in and said "oh, I haven't shown you how to iron pants properly yet, have I" - like anyone else's (mine) way wasn't any good.Sheesh.
OK, I'll stop complaining now. She's a nice lady and she's been good to me, just that today, her attitude hit a raw nerve and I walked out of the room thinking to myself that there was no doubt about where he got his people skills from.
Cheers
Monday, June 7, 2010
Up yours computer
I'm writing this from my friends computer. My friend who sits here with me and makes me feel so at home, I eat her cheesesticks while I write (making sure I wipe my hands first of course). I feel more comfortable with her than I do with some of my own family.
My internet connection is stuffed because one very small nephew of ex's ran down our very narrow hallway and knocked the modem off it's very small table. It was an accident and yes, I know they happen, I just wish this one didn't - because life without internet is barely worth living I tell you.
And it always happens when you least need it to - this time I was renewing domain names and again experiencing payment problems because I'm not living in the right country.
So here I sit, blogging, reading, laughing, eating and blogging some more while my friend is relaxing on her husband's computer. I'm havng a lovely time.
Actually, I'm probably suppposed to be here because I needed to get out for a while. The past three days has been a little tiring. Remember that meal I cooked? Well, I've done a similar thing (albeit with assistance from the domestic helper) yesterday and tonight. I've enjoyed doing it because it means I'm making a difference and I will not feel guilty next week when I go stay with the parents of the nephews for a night.
If my computer had been working at home, I would not be here. My computer just does not understand that it needs to work in the same way that ex's does and have a good connection to the modem. Nobody can figure out why this isn't so cos it's not like computers can think.... but I'm sure mine does. Stuff it, I hate my computer.
Time to rest. Enjoy your night good people. I love you.
My internet connection is stuffed because one very small nephew of ex's ran down our very narrow hallway and knocked the modem off it's very small table. It was an accident and yes, I know they happen, I just wish this one didn't - because life without internet is barely worth living I tell you.
And it always happens when you least need it to - this time I was renewing domain names and again experiencing payment problems because I'm not living in the right country.
So here I sit, blogging, reading, laughing, eating and blogging some more while my friend is relaxing on her husband's computer. I'm havng a lovely time.
Actually, I'm probably suppposed to be here because I needed to get out for a while. The past three days has been a little tiring. Remember that meal I cooked? Well, I've done a similar thing (albeit with assistance from the domestic helper) yesterday and tonight. I've enjoyed doing it because it means I'm making a difference and I will not feel guilty next week when I go stay with the parents of the nephews for a night.
If my computer had been working at home, I would not be here. My computer just does not understand that it needs to work in the same way that ex's does and have a good connection to the modem. Nobody can figure out why this isn't so cos it's not like computers can think.... but I'm sure mine does. Stuff it, I hate my computer.
Time to rest. Enjoy your night good people. I love you.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
It was just me
Well. I'm tired. it's been a biggish week. My mum is great, very much back to her normal self. She even took a trip out of town. My sister's lovely dog is sick. I hope he's going to be OK. I almost cried when she told me because i know how much she loves that dog. The kids cousins are down from KL, staying with my mother in law but spending most of their days here.
I took a step back yesterday and again, realised how far I've come. Ex's mother had travelled to KL in order to bring the kids down for the week. It's a long trip. The usually 3 hour train ride took them over 4 hours. Even though she had the family's helper with her (the new domestic assistant from Cambodia), it was still tough going. When she rang me she sounded tired and asked me to buy dinner for them. I know how she hates doing that - she doesn't like restaurant food that much - so I offered to cook and said they should come straight to my place to eat. She accepted, so I set about preparing to have them over.
I did it without hesitation. I cooked for 8 people and they all liked it. I made roasted pork, which was rather nice and my MIL thought I'd gone out and bought it. No I said proudly, I made that from scratch and she 'oohed' over it. We had stir fried cabbage, fish fillets in sauce (which I'd made the day before), stir fried green vegie and steamed eggs. It was easy. I didn't flinch one bit.
When ex woke up from his 2 hourly "nap" in the afternoon, I told him that his mumand nephews and the helper were coming for dinner and that I had prepared everything. I reeled off the dishes (5) and then he commented "How'd you do that? Must be all the piracetam you're taking"
"Nope I replied, "I haven't taken any for a while now. This was just me." And I walked off.
I don't know if he thought it was good. I don't care. I just know that last time she came for dinner was at Christmas about 2 years ago and I almost went to pieces. This time, there wasn't even a moments hesitation and I really surprised myself.
It feels so good to be on the ball.
And I did it again today. And it was good again. And I made lunch (fritatta) and cookies for the kiddies and looked after them AND disciplined one of the nephews having a meltdown ala Super Nanny style - " no you're not going out there like this because we don't scream in this house and if you want to go out there, you have to stop screaming"- and he did. Then he drank his milk like I told him to and then he slept like I knew he would and then he got up and he was feeling better like I predicted. I think the helper was impressed. Even I was impressed with how this technique worked because that kid was screaming the place down and in the middle of it, I had no idea whether I was going to succeed or fail. Good thing for both of us that it worked out.
Now to sleep. It's been big day, with another one coming tomorrow and I gotta squeeze ina teaching session as well.
cheers people.
I took a step back yesterday and again, realised how far I've come. Ex's mother had travelled to KL in order to bring the kids down for the week. It's a long trip. The usually 3 hour train ride took them over 4 hours. Even though she had the family's helper with her (the new domestic assistant from Cambodia), it was still tough going. When she rang me she sounded tired and asked me to buy dinner for them. I know how she hates doing that - she doesn't like restaurant food that much - so I offered to cook and said they should come straight to my place to eat. She accepted, so I set about preparing to have them over.
I did it without hesitation. I cooked for 8 people and they all liked it. I made roasted pork, which was rather nice and my MIL thought I'd gone out and bought it. No I said proudly, I made that from scratch and she 'oohed' over it. We had stir fried cabbage, fish fillets in sauce (which I'd made the day before), stir fried green vegie and steamed eggs. It was easy. I didn't flinch one bit.
When ex woke up from his 2 hourly "nap" in the afternoon, I told him that his mumand nephews and the helper were coming for dinner and that I had prepared everything. I reeled off the dishes (5) and then he commented "How'd you do that? Must be all the piracetam you're taking"
"Nope I replied, "I haven't taken any for a while now. This was just me." And I walked off.
I don't know if he thought it was good. I don't care. I just know that last time she came for dinner was at Christmas about 2 years ago and I almost went to pieces. This time, there wasn't even a moments hesitation and I really surprised myself.
It feels so good to be on the ball.
And I did it again today. And it was good again. And I made lunch (fritatta) and cookies for the kiddies and looked after them AND disciplined one of the nephews having a meltdown ala Super Nanny style - " no you're not going out there like this because we don't scream in this house and if you want to go out there, you have to stop screaming"- and he did. Then he drank his milk like I told him to and then he slept like I knew he would and then he got up and he was feeling better like I predicted. I think the helper was impressed. Even I was impressed with how this technique worked because that kid was screaming the place down and in the middle of it, I had no idea whether I was going to succeed or fail. Good thing for both of us that it worked out.
Now to sleep. It's been big day, with another one coming tomorrow and I gotta squeeze ina teaching session as well.
cheers people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)